My long distance relationship story...not a good ending

[Nescafe]

I just discovered this forum today, and having read some of the posts I have to admit I feel better - I know I'm not the only one who's been through a long distance relationship tried and failed.

Here is my story. Over 4 years ago I met a girl online. At the time I was not seeking a relationship. However, as we talked more and more, we discovered we had a lot in common, to the point where we would actually type the words to thoughts the other person was about to speak.

The friendship grew, and about a year in I found myself deeply falling in love with her. I told her so, and discovered she too was in love.

It became so strong to the point that I decided to travel and meet her. In this case, living in Canada, she lived in the Middle East. I made it happen, and managed to see her twice. We fell even more deeply in love. On the second trip there I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We even had our own honeymoon, a special trip, her and I, to a resort in her country. It was the single happiest moment of my life, to the point where I ended up crying one night in her arms because I had never known so much love for one person.

After returning, I discovered things ever so slightly beginning to change. Whereas before we would meet each day online suddenly it became once or twice a week. It was I making all the phone calls to her, and her rarely ever returning a call. I told her before coming a third time I felt she should visit me. In the last few months, she stopped coming on line altogether, and getting ahold of her on the phone became more and more difficult.

I cannot tell you how angry and hurt I was at her actions. After giving her my heart, spending hundreds of dollars visiting her, offering her a ring and having her tell me yes she wanted to marry me, and hearing her whisper to me that she would never leave me, it happened. I couldn't take being ignored and used and hurt anymore, so I ended it by sending her an e-mail. I finally heard from her, and discovered that the reason why she could not commit to marriage was because of a childhood trauma that prevented her from committing fully to anyone.

I don't deny the event she described did happen. But I still cannot accept that I feel like I was used and played by her all these years for whatever selfish reasons she has. I am still burning with pain inside. I don't want to talk to her. I don't understand how someone could act like this. Why couldn't she have told me about this event in the first place and saved me from all this incredible pain? Is she taking out the pain of what happened to her so many years ago on me? How can someone do this to another person who loves them unconditionally?

I seek help. But I also offer advice to those of you considering advancing your long term relationship. If it is going to work, make sure in your heart you feel the other person is giving as much to the relationship as you are. If it becomes one-sided, it cannot work.

I thought I knew her. After 4+ years, and so much conversation, meeting her and spending so much intimate time with her, I thought I knew everything about her. But there were secrets she never told me, not until it was all over. And there are probably more secrets I don't know about that I will never know.

There are other recent tragedies in my life compounding my feelings. But I still hurt so much inside. Bad things do happen to nice people. I wanted her so bad, so much. I never loved anyone like her, and I am not a person easily smitten - I prefer being single and independent. I put myself on the line for her, only to be shot down and stepped on. I don't blame myself for this relationship breaking down, but I am so very confused.

Does anyone have any thoughts??

[LynLu]

First of all - I'm so sorry that happened to you. What happened to you is my worst fear in my situation. All I can do is hope things don't suddenly change the way they did in your case. I think it's really WRONG for someone in any relationship (especially long distance) to not communicate the fact that their feelings have changed. She could have been honest with you a long time ago thus avoiding the long drawn-out painful experience. There's nothing worse than reaching out and the other person just ignores it, doesn't respond, and doesn't even let you know why. It takes a person of character to be honest and tell you the truth about their fears or changing feelings from the git-go - not just disappear like that. In my opinion, from what you are saying, she doesn't deserve someone like you and she just wasn't "the one" and when the day comes along when the right one comes into your life just be sure you're not so hurt or hardend by the situation that it passes you by. Stay open to love because it will find you in time.

[Quill]

[Quill]

They say there's your side, the other persons side and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

 

Unless this lady makes a habit out of having 4 year relationships with people online, meeting them and getting them to propose, I honestly don't think this was an intentional act and intention is what REALLY matters. I doubt her intention was for both of you to fall for each other and then purposefully hurt you. You say you know her.... in your heart of hearts do you think she played you for the sake of it? A game to get her jollies off?. I don't get that from what you've written. I'd even bet she's had her share of pain and confusion.

 

Truth is, you do not ever fully know another person on this planet (most people don't even know themselves!!)...... everyone has things they keep to themselves and a story, we share what feels right at any given moment with any given person, the rest we may get to hear over time, or we may not. People will always have the capacity to surprise.

 

Personally, I think your lady got spooked.... there could and probably are a multitude of reasons behind it. Her demeanour towards you changed after you proposed... that in itself says a lot. Who knows where her thoughts went once reality came crashing down..... perhaps she realised she did not want to leave her friends, family, life as she knows it. That in itself is a scary, scary prospect. Love is a beautiful thing but reality is a tougher act to follow.

 

Yes, she could have communicated her fears to you instead of avoiding you.... it was cowardly on her part and caused you even more pain than had she outright told you it was over. But, her cowardess speaks volumes.... some people are not confrontational, perhaps she was even avoiding dealing with her OWN truth. I'm sure she loved you and the thought of telling you she'd changed her mind (or whatever was going on for her) would have been a very frightening thought, hence she avoided. Put yourself in her shoes.

 

You say you don't understand how someone can act like this... I say FEAR, NOT malicious intention. But, you know her, not I, check it out with your heart.

 

You got hurt... but that is the nature of the love beast when it's face to face let alone long distance. You rolled the dice and took a chance... that's all. It didn't work out as you'd dreamed. Grieve the dream but don't shut down and harden your heart. Stay open. Have faith in yourself and others. It's just a test. By loving without heed to the consequences you have passed the only test that counts. The point is not weather the love you gave was returned for a second or a lifetime, it's that YOU loved with all you had. Hold your head up high!. You're alive and living!.

 

 

[Nescafe]

Quill, I have to say that you have some profound insights in relationships that you articulate well. I found myself reading your response several times, and forced me to think. Thank you.

 

You wrote:

 

>Truth is, you do not ever fully know another person on this planet (most people don't even know themselves!!)...... everyone has things they keep to themselves and a story, we share what feels right at any given moment with any given person, the rest we may get to hear over time, or we may not. People will always have the capacity to surprise.

 

"I thought I knew this person when in fact I didn't really know her at all" is how I worded it to one of my friends. I agree with what you're saying, however the troubling part to me is that she seems to have deliberately withheld the childhood abuse story until the time was right to used it as an excuse to break it off, which means planning involved in this. So while I won't go so far as to say her purposes were malicious, I still maintain they were cruel, and very cowardly. For that I still cannot forgive her.

In time I can understand the "cold feet" thoughts, and being spooked about not wanting to get married and move from her family and friends, even though we had agreed to split our time between there and here. But why not say so upfront, especially when I can recall distinctly her criticizing a friend of hers for not being upfront about something. But, that's all in the past now, and to me it's starting to seem petty.

Right now I have a lot of anger towards her, and I cannot forgive her. I honestly don't know if she is in pain or not, because at least some of this seemed planned. In some ways I do feel sorry for her, because she is a heavy smoker and despite my and her own family's warnings she will not quit.

Right now I want her to know my pain and hurt, and the thought of her lying to me so she can be with someone else who will not treat her so well is eating me up. But I take comfort in your final paragraph for I know that in the end you are right. In the end things always happen for reasons - we are not privy to that plan until it happens to us. I know this is over, and in my heart of hearts I KNOW I did all I could to make this happen. I have nothing at all to be ashamed of. Someone else will come along, and that person will be treated to the riches of my heart as it opens fully again, even though it may be hardened right now. And they will open their heart to me, and I will find that one thing in my life I seek more than anything - serenity, peace, contentment and soul satisfaction with a mate.

Thank you my friend, for your wise thoughts.

[Nescafe]

The duplicate post phantom says hi 8)

[LynLu]

Don't shoot the messenger??? Are you talking to me? What do you mean? Elaborate please...

[Quill]

No darlin', nothing to do with you... I posted my response twice by accident, edited one but left my "signature" behind

[Nescafe]

Hey LynLu, I just wanted to say thank you for the kind words you shared with me. It's been a few days now since I had a chance to share my experience, and I kind of felt a desire to respond.

 

>First of all - I'm so sorry that happened to you. What happened to you is my worst fear in my situation. All I can do is hope things don't suddenly change the way they did in your case.

 

I think there's a couple things you should really watch out for, clues that something wrong is going on with the other person. I can tell you now that I overlooked these things before because I was under raptured in the false delusion that I had the power to make things right and change the world. Well, no matter how well intentioned someone it just plain don't work unless both sides are eating the same size piece of cake. God knows I wouldn't want this to happen to you, or anyone.

The first thing I noticed was how the communication seemed to drop off - gradually but noticeable. Whereas in the beginning SHE would go out of her way to try and reach me by the time I returned from seeing her a second time it was ME doing all the phone calls and begging her to respect my feelings and reply. Well, it just didn't happen. I'm assuming the two of you communicate regularly. If you do, and you notice this happening, it's time for a heart to heart chat. Don't let it go for long, lest you end up being used.

The second thing is how resistant she became to visiting me. In the beginning we had agreed to both meet, and after two trips there I was beginning to wonder when she would be meeting me. I even confronted her about it, and she agreed. But of course, never acted upon it. Intention is the greatest thing in the world but unless you act on it you don't really truly mean it. If I had realized earlier what she was saying was not what she was doing I would have confronted her about it. Then again, she also suddenly managed to make it very difficult to talk to her one on one, so by the end I couldn't reach her at all.

Anyways, I'm getting long winded, which is usual for me I feel passionately about this subject, and because of the distances involved in my case (Egypt-Canada) and the length of time involved (4+ years) and the fact that this was an engagement situation I so dearly want to help others who may be in despair in their own long distance situation.

I hope things work out for you. I haven't soured on long distance relationships, but I have certainly been given an education on how to approach things and what to watch out for. If I can be of help to anyone involved in this kind of situation my e-mail is always open.

[inoduct]

There is a lot of wisdom to what she says.

[Kenilai03]

where in the same position Nescafe me too suffering from heartaches ..