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Constantly having to restart the NC process


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Hi all,


Most of you will know my background, but as a quick snap shot - 8 year relationship, lived together for 5, separated 4 months ago, recently found out that my ex GF was on a dating website within a week of her telling me she wanted to separate... and as far as I know she has been dating a guy exclusively for 2 months or so.


Now, previously it was me who was constantly looking for ways to get back with her, always looking for silly reasons to contact her etc. But to cut a long story short 3 weeks ago yesterday I told her that I couldn't be friends with her whilst she was dating someone that wasn't me. She cried a bit as we went to end the call etc. We had tried meeting up as friends previously and it just wasn't working. As far as I know she is still with this new guy and it just seemed wrong, as much as I didn't want it to feel that way.


So I've been getting on with things, going to the gym with a personal trainer, socialising a few times a week, getting busy again with work and have managed to line myself up for a promotion in the near future. I've also started to look into the dating scene and recently went on a date and have some others lined up.


However, since I last spoke to her 3 weeks ago and was progressing with NC pretty well and felt semi-comfortable with it (although I have felt bad about telling her that I couldn't be friends with her whilst she dated others... it seems a bit petty now and also like I've cut my right arm off, but probably for the best), she has been initiating contact in strange little ways. For example, we share a Spotify music account (for those who don't know Spotify, it is a online music sharing service that allows you to put songs into lists so that you can listen to them on your computer, phone etc). About 10 days ago songs started to appear on my list (she has one and I have one which have our names as the titles), and they were all romantic / break up related songs.


She has added 15 songs, all with titles like "I Miss You", "Be Mine", "Dancing on my own", "I'm sleeping with a broken heart", "Please forgive me"... you get the picture. Now, of course putting songs on a list means nothing, but it is just frustrating. I'm not reading anything into them, as for all I know she could have broken up with this new guy and have put the songs in the wrong list (never happened before but still...). Also, she has started sending me the odd email, the latest was last night and it was about something low-key like the TV license for the house that we own together and I live in. But no, she didn't send 1 email about it, she sent three in the space of an hour, all with long paragraphs, making the odd little joke here and there, and referencing something I had given her as a moving in present when she moved to a new place with her work colleagues in a nearby town, saying that she would probably send them back as although she had wanted them (some electric salt and pepper shakers) they were part of a deal where she got to keep my sat nav and I got to keep the shakers.


I just sent back a two line reply, thanking her for sorting out the TV license, and telling her to keep the shakers as I had already brought a new set. I know all this means nothing, but it is quite frustrating that she has started to behave like this. In a way it feels that my last 3 weeks of NC, which I found really hard to go into, now have to be restarted all because I sent a two line reply to her numerous emails. I still have a lot of feelings for her, and still have the odd dream involving her, but had accepted that she was going down the path she wanted. Although when I saw the emails from her of course my heart skipped the odd beat, but after reading them I wasn't anywhere near as upset/needy as I thought I would be.


I know the best thing is to do nothing and see if anything develops from silly internet based communication as a) anyone can do that, and b) it is very easy to misunderstand the meanings behind why people do things on the internet, and c) the few things she has done recently may have just been rough moments for her. Who knows. The problem is, she is very head strong and isn't the sort of person to change her mind once its been made, almost to save face more than anything. So I was thinking perhaps she is doing the songs etc so that I initiate some sort of contact, but this has back fired in my face previously with her and I have sort of promised myself that she would have to start off the contact, although perhaps this is her way of doing it?


Sorry about what has turned into a bit of a rant, it was meant to be a "what do I do now" thread but I think I've answered my own question... wait to see if anything else happens.

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I'm going to assume that she dumped you as your the one seeking advice.


Basically, because she dumped you, she has no right to contact you. Also why would you feel guilty about not being friends with her when she's dumped you for another guy? When someone dumps you they should expect to never see you ever again.


I hate this term, but she's feeding you bread crumbs. That means shes giving you hope and your reading wayyyy too much into it. I don't doubt that she likes to keep you on a string and probably also likes your company, but unless she's willing to make the step to want reconciliation than you should stop replying to her (and the music thing... you are reading wayyy too much into that).


You need to tell her you need your space to move on and she as the dumper should respect that.


Of course thats not what you want to hear, you want to hear that she wants you back and that all of this means that in a weeks time she'll confess that she made a BIG mistake. But thats not likely going to be the case and as much as it hurts you you really need to stop communicating with her, because it sounds like your making the right steps to get on with your life.


Only when she is ready to disconnect from her new 'bf' spend some time alone to heal, look at her life objectively and in 6 months to a year come back and say she wants to reconcile will you be in a position to take her back. Until then she needs to respect your right to not speak to her and you need to stay out of her life.

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Like mtom12 said, she's feeding you bread crumbs. Doing things or saying just enough to keep you in the loop but nothing overtly to change the situation. My ex did the same thing. You can't interpret anything she says or does as a hint that she wants to reconcile. If she does want to reconcile, she has to be frank and direct about it. No games. In the meantime, it may be best to go NC for awhile. Work on healing yourself. Easier said than done. Believe me, I know. It is hard but stay strong. You'll get through this and feel better about yourself.

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