how well does the silent treatment work?

[im_the_undead]

when someone has hurt you and you have nothing more to say than what you already have, does the silent treatment usually make a person realize their mistake?

 

for me, i got an appology through a text... but that's tacky, in my opinion.

hopefully i get a call or something more genuine.

[KittyBoo]

What is your relationship to the person that hurt you? Without knowing much about the nature of what was done/said, it's hard to say how you should proceed.

[im_the_undead]

long time friend, potential boyfriend.

i suppose you can say he said some hurtful things (not TERRIBLE or cruel, just hurtful... i assume he doesn't know what he wants afterall)

i simply told him to let me be and move on... he literally let me walk away

so i didn't contact him the entire day.

 

later while i was asleep i got a couple text messages from him full of regret and apologies and other mushy stuff.

i replied and he never replied back so i left it alone.

it's been some days, idk what i'm doing.. i'm either giving him space or seeing if he has the courage to seek for me

 

but then he may be doing the same, which to me would be dumb. usually the person in the wrong looks to see if the other is okay.

[dramallama]

What exactly did he do to hurt you? Do you have a crush on him or something?

[90_hour_sleep]

i think if the 'silent treatment' is used as a tool of manipulation...it will never achieve the desired result. when it is used to create space...and promote growth of the relationship...then perhaps there is potential.

 

at its worst...the silent treatment can be considered passive aggressive. so i think it depends on the context. what do you hope to achieve by being silent?

[im_the_undead]

i would hope that he approach me this time.. since he sent me text messages exhibiting regret about the things he said and about letting me go.

[dramallama]

i would hope that he approach me this time.. since he sent me text messages exhibiting regret about the things he said and about letting me go.

Yes, but what happened???

 

I'm guessing that you have feelings for him and he doesn't feel the same way, is that right?

[im_the_undead]

he has feelings for me. he's just more complicated than a girl.

we cuddle, hang out all the time, kiss, hold hands, the whole nine yards.

then when i ask him about "us", he gets all weird and says he doesn't want to fall in love again....

funny, he's told me not to go back to my ex... that he'll show me what real love is.. and he's even told me he loves me more than once (after a few drinks though lol)

but hell, i was DRUNK and i managed not to say those things.

 

in the end, he asked me to be his gf but i said NO because i had been pushing it for a while and realized he was too wishy washy.

 

his family literally talks to me every day about what a good guy he is and that he loves me and not to hurt him. i'm so confused, he's the one playing with my head.

 

so after all these things he said, i walked my happy butt home.

he literally let me walk home.. i looked back half way and he was no longer there.

so i was determined to let it go..

 

then i get these touchy texts full of mushieness.

and THEN, he ignores me again.

 

idk WTH is going on or what to even ask/say if i ever did approach him (even though i feel he should be the one making the effort)

 

that's why i'm giving him the silent treatment, because he's confused me.

i know what i want, i'm not afraid to put myself out there and try to love again...

it's him that keeps going back and forth...

i eventually ended up adoring the kid, so i'd go back if only i knew what he really felt but he feels complicated things lol

[dramallama]

You chose to walk home though... you shouldn't count on someone else to stop you from doing something.

 

Well, do you want to be with him or not? If not, then stop all contact so that you can both move on and so that he doesn't get the wrong idea. If you do want to be with him, then have an honest and open discussion. But staying friends is just keeping you both stuck and in this drama.

[im_the_undead]

i walked home because i didn't want to start bawling.

usually, people at least watch you on your way to make sure you're safe.

but that's beside the point....

 

i'm not sure what i should say to him since he is ignoring me (which i find strange).... wth do i say?

i want to be like "i miss you" but people tell me doing that would be just like saying...

"oh hey, yeah it's cool all those things you said. i like you a lot so i'll always be here for you to say and do as you please."

everyone keeps telling me that if i reach out to him i'd be a pushover and he'd keep playing mind games with me, but that ignoring him and giving him space will bring him around in time. Idk what to believe -.-"

 

my mom says F him lol

if only it were that easy.

[dramallama]

But he's not your boyfriend. I think the reason why you felt hurt was that you expected him to go with you or stop you from walking home. But you shouldn't test people like that. Why were you upset if you were the one that rejected him? Just wondering...

 

You definitely shouldn't text him that you miss him. He is playing games with you by ignoring you. You can either tell him that you want to discuss whether you two want to be in a relationship, or you can move on. Personally, and from experience, if someone is unsure about being with you and their actions are not supporting when they SAY that they care about you/want to be with you, it usually means that they don't want to be with you. Ignoring you is not making sure that there is no doubt on your end that he knows that YOU know that he wants to be with you.

 

It is hard to move on from someone, but do you really want to be stuck in this limbo in another year?

[im_the_undead]

he isn't my boyfriend, you're right.. but i felt there was something intimate and deep in our weird relationship. but what ever.

i broke the ice, omg i'm such a pushover -.-"

 

so far i've told him that i walked away (i didn't "storm off" in a tantrum. i simply walked out of the door) because i didn't know what else to say.. and that i get scared, just like he does.

 

he's replied saying he knows and that he misses me and he was "giving us time, i suppose."

 

-.-"

 

 

shoot, now i'm stumped again.

why the hell was he giving US time? lol i can't wrap my mind around that one.

 

i was giving HIM time to decide for himself....

i don't want him to beg for me if it's not what he really wants.. when it's ultimately all i want

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree. He isn't your boyfriend - he didn't have to walk you home or stand there. You are doing things passive aggressively - you expect him to walk after you by storming off, you expect an apology after giving him the silent treatment - COMMUNICATE with him.

[dramallama]

he isn't my boyfriend, you're right.. but i felt there was something intimate and deep in our weird relationship. but what ever.

i broke the ice, omg i'm such a pushover -.-"

 

so far i've told him that i walked away because i didn't know what else to say.. and that i get scared, just like he does.

 

he's replied saying he knows and that he misses me and he was "giving us time, i suppose."

 

-.-"

 

 

shoot, now i'm stumped again.

why the hell was he giving US time? lol i can't wrap my mind around that one.

He wants space from you, so give it to him. I would say that deep down he knows that he doesn't want to be with you, but he can't bring himself to say it and hurt you. When two people want to be together, they aren't "scared". There is nothing scared about being with someone that you adore. What might be scary is the fact that he isn't attracted to you but he doesn't want to lose a friendship. If you are honest with yourself you have the expectation for him to be more than a friend, which is why you were so hurt when he let you walk home.

 

I've been in your situation before. Put yourself out of this misery and tell him that he is welcome to pursue you if he ever wants to be in a relationship, but that it's best if you two are not friends. This is NOT to passive-aggressively "test" him to see if he comes running after you. But so that you can move on from someone that is lukewarm about you. It will free you of this limbo. Put yourself in control.

[im_the_undead]

idk if you're right, but one thing i have learned is that life goes on... so i guess there's nothing to lose.

[dramallama]

idk if you're right, but one thing i have learned is that life goes on... so i guess there's nothing to lose.

I think it would be best to make a plan NOW of what you are going to do if he does contact you. Will you settle for being friends? Will you tell him that you want to move on? If you just accept what comes then you'll be in this limbo at the same time next year.

[im_the_undead]

he said he was giving us time.

i asked him if he needs space.

whatever he says...... if it doesn't sound like he is certain of things once again or if he simply says "yes give me time"

i'll tell him what you told me to say...

 

"you're welcome to pursue me if you ever want to be in a relationship, but it's best if we are not friends"

 

 

 

 

last time i told him we couldn't be friends, he freaked out...

 

but i'm just going to stick to my guns this time around.

damn, it hurts...... such an empty feeling in my gut.. you know, when your heart drops? fml

[dodgedabullet]

when someone has hurt you and you have nothing more to say than what you already have, does the silent treatment usually make a person realize their mistake?

 

for me, i got an appology through a text... but that's tacky, in my opinion.

hopefully i get a call or something more genuine.

 

For someone who is mentally healthy, the silent treatment is a good way to lose that person. A healthy person doesn't want to deal with games such as the silent treatment. Personally, I think it is one of the most cruel things that one can do to another.

 

If you want to lose someone...then yeah, give them the silent treatment.

[dramallama]

He freaks out because he wants you in his life, but just not enough to want to be WITH you. He wants control over you, perhaps he doesn't even realise it's about control, but it is.

 

You will feel a mixture of relief (because you are taking yourself out of this limbo) and sadness (because you will miss him and it's a transition period) but in the end you will feel better for not settling for someone that needs endless time to think about whether you are right for them. Let him do all the thinking in the world and if you have feelings of more than a friend, don't accept anything less. When you feel ready, delete him from facebook and change your settings so people that are not your friends can only see ONE picture and your first and last name.

 

This isn't to get him back but to put up boundaries from someone that doesn't want to we with you. If he does want to be in a relationship, then he will let you know. If he isn't clear, assume that he wants to be friends only. It's win-win because if he doesn't want to be with you, you will be on your way to healing so that you are free to be with someone that doesn't need to be convinced to be with you because they will jump at the chance.

[im_the_undead]

does that make me mentally unstable? the fact that i've been given the silent treatment, and i ultimately go to the source and seek amends?

if so then wow. haha

[mcholmes2011]

The silent treatment has nothing to do with the person being ignored. The silent treatment works for the person who's being silent. It gives you breathing room, a chance to regenerate, to think about what's good FOR YOU. It's mostly to take a fresh look at that relationship, and whether it's healthy for you to continue. It means you're incompatible with this person, you don't see life and love the same way, you're tired of talking and seeing no results. It really means (sigh) it's time to move on, no matter how much it hurts. Those that are clueless about your feelings generally stay clueless, because you don't have the same values and beliefs. It's no one's fault, but thank God there's a whole ocean of fish and a few of them who believe in the same things you believe in. Keep searching.....

[dramallama]

For someone who is mentally healthy, the silent treatment is a good way to lose that person. A healthy person doesn't want to deal with games such as the silent treatment. Personally, I think it is one of the most cruel things that one can do to another.

 

If you want to lose someone...then yeah, give them the silent treatment.

I would like to make a differentiation between the silent treatment and No Conact.

 

The silent treatment is a way to CONTROL the other person and manipulate them into giving you what you want.

 

No Contact is a way to move on and LET GO of someone that has had a hold over you. With NC you are going silent for YOURSELF only.

[im_the_undead]

ok i ended it... or am in the process.

 

so far i have....

 

you're welcome to persue me in if u ever want to be in a relationship, but it's best we are not friends. you led me on and it hurts. my willingness to be caring and love is too genuine and sincere to have thrown back in my face

[dramallama]

If you haven't sent it yet, do you mind if I alter it a bit?

 

"You are welcome to pursue me if you ever do want to be in a relationship. My door will be open for a little while, but unless you would like to commit, then it's better if we are not in touch so that I can move on. So please respect my need for space if being in a relationship with me is not your intention. I thank you for the good times as friends and I wish you the best for the future."

[dramallama]

It's just the last line screams to him that you are hurt and that you still care what he thinks. From here on out it is polite but firm with no emotions involved. Delete him from facebook after you've sent it. Trust me, I wish someone had given me this advice when I was in love with my friend. Long story short, I convinced and begged him to commit to me, and then he did a disappearing act a few months later.