After 4 Months of No/Very Low Contact - Hitting a Rough Spot

[ForwardOn]

I thought things were supposed to get easier. For a while they were, and I've made considerable progress. Bought a copy of Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Recover and dealt with a lot of my own abandonment issues that came forward in the relationship. Also: He's Scared, She's Scared, in order to understand the dynamics of avoidant/anxious attachment styles. Along the way I have exercised more and lost 10lbs and am gaining muscle. I have updated my wardrobe, reconnected with friends, even went on a couple of dates. Things felt good. I realized that, with her avoidant style, she wasn't always the best to me during and after the relationship. I began counting all the good things I still have, from friends to talent in what I do to a decent career, along with an honest capability for love, and I realize that I have a lot to offer whoever chooses to be with me.

 

Then this past weekend, she crept into my head again. Worst was a dream I had about her, in which we held each other. And now feelings I thought I had dissipated came rushing back. Today, it was hard to not think about making contact. The last time we made contact, a few months ago, was when I gave her an indifferent but polite two-sentence reply to her asking for advice via chat. Now I feel like she must think that I hate her. I don't have a clue about her life and what she thinks, as I've not been on her FB page or asked mutual friends. I know I'm not supposed to care with NC, but I guess I still do, especially after these feelings came back. Do I want her back? Not necessarily. Not if she doesn't want to make progress in her emotional health. Not if she can't really appreciate all that I can offer. I have no reason to think she'll move in this direction, but there's a part of me that has that wishful desire, even after these months of positive work, in my view.

 

So, in my head, I think I'm doing the right things, but this weekend and now, those right things feel wrong. Like I said, I didn't think I'd snap back into this place. A friend told me that if the hopeful side of me to wanted to have a chance with her again, I need to ride this out. I can't count on it, but the wisdom is that I just need to keep on going and not reach out to her. I thought I was making progress, but temptation lurks.

 

It seems like a few of recent posts have been about the hardship of this, many from people dumped in the springtime frenzy. Are we, as people who've been dumped, reaching a certain time, 3-4 months after the break-up, that a second wave of emotions rips through? What's happening on the dumper's side, you think?

 

Maybe I just needed to vent, but I'd be interested to hear from anyone who's had similar experiences or are in a similar situation. Did you maintain your conviction with NC? How? Did you eventually make contact? What was the outcome? Are you happy with your decision, either way?

[Lavender25]

The path to healing is not linear. I don't think you should reach out to her and it's best that you ride it out.

 

My ex dumped me at the beginning of May and it's been pretty much NC ever since. I thought I was getting better and then Saturday night I was reading a book and got to a portion where the main character discovered her mate cheating on her. I wasn't cheated on, but the betrayal of trust was something that I completely understood and it really set me back. I felt the pain of loss all over again.

 

Push through this. It will make you stronger.

[DoubleRainbow]

I don't think it is a good idea to contact her again...it will take you back to square one. Breaking up is never easy, it takes months sometimes years to recover from the loss...depends how much attached you were emotionally. A friend of mine split up from her boyfriend in 1993, when she was 22. She misses him even today!!They had cultural issues, the breakup was mtual as their families would not agree on their marriage, extreme degree of emotional attachment. The day of their breakup, they decided complete NC..as they thought that all they talked about before was THEIR LIFE TOGETHER..and now they cant talk about it.

NC will help u to heal yourself and move forward. Its normal to want the person back in your life, but generally even if it happens, it is shortlived. You are already taking all necessary steps to do good to yourself. Just throw the temptation of contacting her.

Good Luck!

[ForumGuy]

Feelings of love don't turn off when someone goes NC. NC is just easier when compared to the heartache that would come from keeping in contact with someone you love and not having those feelings returned, or remaining in a toxic or abusive relationship. You are in a setback from your dreams and it will probably sting for a few days. You can continue NC and this heartache will be minimized, even though it may not seem like it at this moment. Your other choice is to contact the ex and risk being rejected, which might set you back much further.