Am I too possessive / clingy?

[Betty79]

My bf and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment. We see each other for a few weeks every couple of months. Things are pretty good. We speak most evenings by skype or msn. By the time I come home from work he has already finished for a few hours. I log onto fb or wherever and he is usually there. We chat briefly for a bit and then he will say can we catch up a bit later I have some stuff to do. I say ok what are you up to and he flips out, like I don't have to tell you everything, I'm just doing some stuff. It really annoys me to be honest. I don't know why he can't just say I'm going to watch some tv or whatever can we speak later. I have a hard time with trust due to a previous relationship and I just don't really like it. Am I being too controlling? Should I just accept that he is doing 'stuff' and not question it. Although there is not exactly a lot to do where he is at at the moment. We have already had a few arguments about it and I hate arguing with him.

[tresqua]

No you are not being too controlling asking him what he's doing when he says he's gotta do stuff. Yes you are being possessive, clingy and needy and you're going to probably lose him if you keep it up because there is very little that is less attractive than exactly what you are doing to this poor guy by giving him the first degree when he wants to do something other than chat with you. Next time he says he's gotta log off and go do stuff, say (with a smile that he will hear), "Ok, talk to you soon, bye", and then log off.

[TomboyMS]

His reaction says maybe you are being clingy. Why is it necessary for you to know exactly what he's doing? It isn't like he's gonna admit he's planning to be with another girl or something just because you asked.

[laura40]

If you're asking him what he's doing in a chit chat way then that's okay. It sounds like you are anyway.

 

You could explain to him that you're just trying to make conversation.

 

I know how hard long-distance relationships can be. I was in one for 2 years and it's difficult to read your other half's feelings over MSN/skype.

 

PM me if you want to talk about anything.

[Betty79]

I guess one of the main issues is there is this girl on his fb that I really don't like. She writes on his wall a lot and they talk on chat and email quite a bit. They met when he went on a boys holiday just as we started dating. He said nothing ever happened with her and she was interested in one of his mates on holidays and I do believe that I just dont like the flirty way she talks to him and the fact they have these private conversations all the time. When he says he has stuff to do I just get it in my head that he is talking to her again as he stays on fb sometimes after he says he has stuff to do?

[tresqua]

When he says he has stuff to do I just get it in my head that he is talking to her again as he stays on fb sometimes after he says he has stuff to do?

 

Then the stuff he has to do is FB and this girl is there and it's not looking too good for you. Meanwhile you asking him what he's got to do will not yield factual answers, all it will do is drive him away from you and into her arms. He might be headed that way anyway but why facilitate it?

[GrowingIn]

Yes you are coming off possessive to him. And yes he is giving you a good reason to be suspicious. This will get worse.

 

My ex wife was possessive and we were in a LDR initially. But it was amazing that when she was most possessive and questioned me about talking to other women....was typically exactly on the nights that I would have gone out to a bar with another girl. But she was crazy, possessive one and I was doing it because she was so possessive. Ugh!

 

My ex called me controlling because I asked why someone that has no known friends, no tv, but has internet(which I had previously caught talking with an ex before) can only respond with I was vacuuming and washing dishes when she spends 3-4 days a week, alone, each afternoon in basically an empty apartment. Interestingly enough, the place was rarely vacuumed. I was the crazy one because I didn't buy her story and went to the door unexpected when she stood me up for two hours while she was "vacuuming" again, only to catch her in the act of sending pictures back and forth to one of her friends.

 

My friend's gf is possessive, clingy and needy because she is now following him around during his guy time, because he's changed his behavior ever since he started cheating on her about a month ago and she noticed. She needs serious help.

 

Beginning to see a pattern here?

 

Since you already have admitted you have a serious time trusting from your previous relationship, that means you never worked out those issues. Hence, you most likely attracted someone that will do the same thing to you again. Time to bail. There's a difference between being possessive and not willing to be stupid or naive and get played for a fool.

 

The cure? Find you someone that WILLINGLY shares their life with you more and more as you progress in the relationship(not less and less) without you ever having to really ask.

[Betty79]

Hi thanks for your replies. Thing is I don't really know he is talking to this girl. I know he has quite a few times in the past but when I got a little upset about it he explained everything to me, how they met etc and even offered to show me their conversations there and then which I declined lol. He said that she just sees him as some older guy (she is 10 years younger) and asks him for dating advice about guys she likes from uni. I don't know really. I thi k I believe that and I know he hasn't actually seen her in almost a year but regardless I don't like the thought of them chatting. Is that wrong of me? I have friends who are men but I don't chat to them on fb all the time?

[tresqua]

I don't like the thought of them chatting. Is that wrong of me? I have friends who are men but I don't chat to them on fb all the time?

 

You can tell him you don't approve of the chatting between him and other online women and ask him to stop but you'll risk driving him away. The other way to go is figure out some way to deal with your insecurities and just let it go.

[Betty79]

I couldn't tell him to stop chatting to other women as he would freak out and say he has women who are friends and he won't stop talking to them which is fair enough. I don't care about the others its just this one I don't like. Believe me I wish there was some way I could work out my insecurities!

[FathomFear]

It's hard to answer your question without having more context. For example, if you find yourself always asking him what he's doing then yeah, I could see how that would be frustrating. Because once you get to that point it becomes obvious that you aren't asking because you're genuinely curious--you're asking because you don't trust him and want him to validate that he's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing.

[Betty79]

Its not like I ask him all the time but the first time a few days ago when he said he was doing 'stuff' and wouldn't elaborate further I did go on about it a bit just because I did want him to validate that he wasn't up to no good but he wouldn't. Now when we talk about speaking he says he can either do early or late and there is no mention of what he does in between. I don't know it just gets me down now. I feel like something is wrong.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree that you should work on your insecurities. LDR's are hard in the best of circumstances. If you have insecurities about him talking to another woman, I think you see the writing on the wall.

 

The best thing you can do is back off. Why is it always him that needs to stop the call to do "stuff?" Do you ever tell him you have to go? Try that. Start thinking that way. That's a good first step in losing your dependency on him.