BAD IDEA..update

[rich46]

Beec, are you saying that EVERY break up is the fault of the person who has been dumped? For not meeting the "needs" of their partner? I don't think that this is a healthy take on things, and can lead to a lot of dumpees blaming themselves for something that in a lot of cases, wasn't actually their fault.

[iceesnowbubble]

I'm proud that you sent the letter to bexcelent..now it's just seeing if ill get the reply. It's not so much that I want the reply, but if it doesn't come I will know that i lost a good friend, because all that I asked for in the letter was friendship, and who knows what he is thinking at this time since we havent talked about the relationship in over a month...

Either way, I feel so much better that I just left the ball in his court, and although i was a strong support of NC at first I realized that it wouldnt work for my situation...so for all of you out there who come on this board and see NC NC NC everywhere... don't think that its the ONLY thing that works... its for the BEST if you wanna get over the ex..but it also depends on that EX and how they work..

 

- BRIANNA

[Beec]

Beec, are you saying that EVERY break up is the fault of the person who has been dumped? For not meeting the "needs" of their partner? I don't think that this is a healthy take on things, and can lead to a lot of dumpees blaming themselves for something that in a lot of cases, wasn't actually their fault.

 

Am I saying that? Pretty much. But that does not mean that the dumpers needs were reasonable. It might not have been possible to meet their needs. If there needs were to fool around, were their needs reasonable? Sometimes, you cannot meet their needs because you don't know then, and they won't tell you.

[iceesnowbubble]

The feeling of regret hit my stomach...but after thinking about it I realize I did what i really wanted by writing that e-mail..and if he takes it the wrong way then too bad, because I am no longer gonna hold-em back..ill keep you updated if I get a reply..but so far its a no-go...

[bexcelant]

If you sent the letter and you feel at peace about it. Rest in the fact that you did the right thing. Now is the time where no contact comes into play because you got everything off your chest. That's good. Remember for everyone there is a plan for your life from a power beyond comprehension. If this person doesn't work out for you, there is someone else around the corner even better!! Anyways, who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

BEX

[bexcelant]

If you sent the letter and you feel at peace about it. Rest in the fact that you did the right thing. Now is the time where no contact comes into play because you got everything off your chest. That's good. Remember for everyone there is a plan for your life from a power beyond comprehension. If this person doesn't work out for you, there is someone else around the corner even better!! Anyways, who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

BEX

[iceesnowbubble]

Hey guys .. i need a little bit more help on this.. I sent the email on tuesday morning.. and I know that he has some problems with his computer sometimes..and I still haven't gotten a response. He is always online..so when is it too early to IM him and ask if he read it... how long should I wait until I get a response until I just ask him flat out if he read it and what he thinks..because at this point if i asked him and it was "too soon" or i was "pressuring him" or "pushing him away" i wouldn't care, I just want to know already if he read the stupid thing... so how long should I wait?

 

BTW, in the e-mail i told him he had a few days to respond, so I know not to be impatient..but still...when does a few days turn into THIS IS TOO LONG...?

[Satch]

Didn't you actually say in the letter that if he did not want anything to do with you, to simply not contact you back? Maybe this is his decision.

 

I think at this stage you are just going to have to wait it out. If you go back to him so soon after saying the above, you will lose your credibility. You need to be patient and wait for him to get back to you.

 

Sorry, but this is how you laid down the proposal. But in saying this, I really do hope that he responds soon for your sake.

 

Please keep us informed.

[RayKay]

Hmmm, this is why I recommended not sending that letter. By putting your emotions out there, the ball is now in his court and you gave him some of your power back. You basically gave him an ultimatum & pressured him, so he might not respond. And as I recall, you said you did not want to be with him anyway now and had no other motives for this letter? If that is so, don't worry about it. If you do want him back, then you need to find a different way to go at it!

 

I don't believe in NC, but I do believe there is a way to go about being in contact/limited contact - no it is not easy to do all the time and you have to be strong enough for it, but it can be done.

 

If you really did not care to hear from him again either way, then you probably did right thing. If you wanted to nurture a friendship or relationship, there are different ways to go at it - by offering your friendship no strings attached/no pressure. If you wanted more, then you just have to kick it into a higher gear, again no pressure, and it means not necessarily getting much in return for a while (but you will be rewarded in end).

 

Anyway, now that you done it, as I said the ball is in his court. You'll have to wait it out. I hope it turns out for the best, but as I said, he probably feels pressured or not trusting your motives right now. He just might need to take some time (more time than you want!).

[JustPlainSad]

ice I dont think you were ready to send that letter. You wrote earlier that you didnt care one way or another. If that was the case you shouldn't care if he responds or not. By your reaction you seem to actually care a lot. As stated above if you sent the letter and made an ultimatium and you back out you'll look bad. I say wait it out. You made the decision and now you have to chill until you see a response or not. If you do not get one then I guess you have the answer you were looking for.....

[iceesnowbubble]

Yea, on the outside I realize that, but on the inside i just keep telling myself that maybe he never got it..becuase in the past he has had many problems with his e-mail account...of course it is wishful thinking... and I do care but not about getting back together, I just miss my best friend..no one got me the way that he did...

[dreamguy]

iceesnowbubble,

 

So he didn't get it because he had problems with his email... so what ?

Why does that bother you ? It's still to your own advantage.

Even if he didn't get the letter and he wants to call... then he will. I don't think it makes any difference.

Chill out as others have already advised you to do and don't get in touch with him for the time being since, in case he did receive it, you will be in a very bad position for calling immediately after giving him an ultimatum.

[bexcelant]

These guys are right Ice. I sent the letter to my girl because honestly, I have my answer if she never writes back. She will have thrown away a great friendship because frankly I don't have time for someone who treats me like crap. I'm not gonna put forth all the effort when she does nothing. That is ridiculous!! So I"m leaving it at that. I put everything into that letter and if she ever does come back..you know what? She's gonna have to prove to me that she is a changed woman. I won't take her back just like that.

 

BEX

[iceesnowbubble]

Alright.. so I ended up talking to the ex on the phone.. I'll leave out all the details but basically he decided that he wants to stay friends but just talk only online. Me being stubborn I told him that i think this is unfair, and that i deserve better than that...but I guess some contact is better then none. Either way, do you think that I should give into his wishes (knowing that I want to talk to him) and just stay in contact online until maybe one day we can talk on the phone again (he said it will be in "a long time") or.. should I just cut off contact because its not really fair for us to try and keep up the best friend status only over online connection..what do you all think?

[dreamguy]

"but I guess some contact is better then none. Either way, do you think that I should give into his wishes (knowing that I want to talk to him) and just stay in contact online until maybe one day we can talk on the phone again (he said it will be in "a long time") or.. should I just cut off contact because its not really fair for us to try and keep up the best friend status only over online connection..what do you all think?"

 

I don't agree. Some contact is not always better than none. Sometimes NO contact is all it takes to shake things and make your ex come out of their confusion. Not to forget that no contact helps you heal a lot faster.

If you want my opinion: cut off all contact for the time being, don't even talk to him online. You'll be doing yourself a big favor.

[rich46]

"but I guess some contact is better then none. Either way, do you think that I should give into his wishes (knowing that I want to talk to him) and just stay in contact online until maybe one day we can talk on the phone again (he said it will be in "a long time") or.. should I just cut off contact because its not really fair for us to try and keep up the best friend status only over online connection..what do you all think?"

 

I don't agree. Some contact is not always better than none. Sometimes NO contact is all it takes to shake things and make your ex come out of their confusion. Not to forget that no contact helps you heal a lot faster.

If you want my opinion: cut off all contact for the time being, don't even talk to him online. You'll be doing yourself a big favor.

I completely agree with dreamguy. Why should he be the one dictating terms of this friendship? "Best friends" do not just stay in touch online, they call eachother up whenever they are lonely, need picking up, need advice, need a shoulder to cry on...etc. He is keeping you hanging by the tiniest of threads so that he knows you are there for him should he need you. However, can you say that he is there for you when you need him? No because you aren't aloud to call him for a really "long time." Get tough and cut all contact. It really annoys me when people play games like this. Honestly iceesnowbubble, wash your hands with him and cut ALL contact, as like dreamguy said, some contact isn't always better than none.

[dreamguy]

"Best friends" do not just stay in touch online, they call eachother up whenever they are lonely, need picking up, need advice, need a shoulder to cry on...etc. He is keeping you hanging by the tiniest of threads so that he knows you are there for him should he need you. However, can you say that he is there for you when you need him?

Right on ! I did it. I cut all contact with my ex and it feels great.

Now I'm being chased by a girl I really like. I can tell you this would have never happened if I was still attached to my ex.

[bexcelant]

Beec thanks for all your help. I like Ice also wavered when I got no response. Looking at this string, I realize that I did the right thing and was strong...but when ya get no response that just ticks you off more and you want some answer. In fact, my letter demanded it. Are we friends? More than friends? Aquaintences? Maybe we should just move on with our lives? How could anyone not answer that? I really wanted to put the closure on it but I realize now that I won't get it from her.

 

Beec, your advice and basically slap in the face really jolted me back to reality. I"m not gonna keep pushing for some type of answer. It's on her. So to my ex-friend...good luck with your life and your marriage.

 

BEX

 

PS I also have some really insensitive friends who don't think twice about calling me up and saying, " Hey did you hear that..blah blah blah " Aghhhh. Someone please slap them.

[iceesnowbubble]

Thanks for the advice guys.. all I have to say is that my ex is confusing the hell out of me. The reason I cant bring myself to just cut the *tiny* thread that he is hanging on to me by is because I deserve this treatment from him. I don't deserve him as a friend because of what I did during the relationship, and the fact that he even gives me the slightest chance of being his friend is good enough for me. You are probably thinking, " No one deserves to be treated like that," or "what did you do that was so horrible?"... but i know that I am very lucky to still be in contact with my ex as friends... but on to the confusing part...

He told me that he never wanted to talk to me again, and that we could no longer be friends, then two days later he is online Iming me saying how nice it is to talk to me again. He disappears offline for another few days and I call him telling him I want to talk... and he immediatley gets out of bed ( he was tired from a long day of work and class) JUST to talk to me... he said " I was planning on staying in bed til tomorrow, but I got your message and got up to talk to you." Now why is he putting in so much effort and changing around his plans for someone that he never wanted to talk to ... and is just a friend? He wouldnt do this normally just to TALK to someone.. so i was happy and yet confused at teh same time.. this not being the first time that he stopped what he was doing just to talk to me online. I forgot to mention that he isnt allowed to talk to me on the phone due to his parents wishes, in which he wont go against them... so i dont know what to think... it seems as if he is stringing me along... but he can ONLY talk to me online, and he seems to go out of his way just to do so.. claiming that "he promised me he would be in the effort to be friends" .. so should i look at this as a good sign maybe its a little bit more important for him to keep me as a friend because he misses me, or he is going out of his way because... because.. i dont know?! any thoughts?

[bexcelant]

You gotta be careful with this one. I think he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He's toying around with your emotions but keeping you at arms length. He might still have feelings but wants to keep you away for some reason. You need to reverse that trend. Make him really want to see you. and in my opinion, you are in a halfway type relationship. Half in, half out....cut him off and cut him off now. Block your IM. Block his Email and then don't call him. If you have to, erase all his numbers and realize, that if he wants to see you, he has your number. .... He wants you bad enough, he'll call you. Think about it. Would you want someone to treat one of your friends that way? What would you advise a friend in your situation? Beec straighted me out. I had to go through some anger first and afterwards...I know that everything is in the hands of a higher power.

 

BEXCELANT

 

Serenity Prayer

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living on day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace; taking as He did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I maybe reasonably happy in this life and supremly happy with Him forever in the next.

[iceesnowbubble]

thanks for your advice... i had him blocked for a while..but he isnt online nemore anyways because of his new job and school...but i know i want to talk to him and i am emotionally stable enough to do so, so im not gonna take for granted his offer to be friends. I will leave him alone, but if i see him online i will definitely say hello back to him if he initiates conversation. As i said before, i know nc isnt for me... and i want to be friends with him, gradually.. by being patient and letting things go on one step at a time without getting overly crazy and stuff like that..i liked the prayer by the way.. i believe if something is meant to happen it will... higher power knows better then we do.