Jealous over dancing

[squarepeg]

Hi and help!

 

I need some advice about a situation that I'm feeling a bit uneasy about. Me and my boyfriend have a long distant relationship that we have been in for almost a year and a half. I love him with all my heart, but sometimes it gets very hard being so distant from him.

 

Recently he went to a wedding where he lives, and I couldnt join him because of work. The next day he tells me he got drunk out of his mind and slow danced with some young pretty girl a couple times that night...that he has known all of his life. I got very jealous and he flipped out on me and told me off for it.

 

What I would like to know is am I out of line for being jealous that he danced with someone at the wedding. He told me before he went he never dances, and yet asked her to dance more then once. Is it ok to feel jealousy?? I want to know what the right way to respond to this is, and am I just being silly like he says.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[Celadon]

Squarepeg, it bothers me that your bf is not taking responsiblility for his actions. I do not think you are unreasonable in feeling as you do. But I also think he could be forgiven for it IF he owns up to how bad he behaved.

 

When you've both cooled down, you'll probably need to have another chat with him. Explain that you're not casing on him, that you love him, but that behavior hurt you. Tell him you just want him to accept and acknowledge that you have legitimate point of view. If you feel it's appropriate, you can apologize for being harsh with him (if you were).

Hopefully, you'll both understand each other a little better after you talk.

 

P.S. Maybe he should lay off the drinking.

[sweetpea4670]

This is something that woud bother me tremendously as well. I can understand where you would be very jealous about something like this. Especially since you're in an LDR. Saying this, I also have to say that if this was a completely innocent dance (as he says, assuming you trust him), then you can't be too tough on him.

I can think it would be okay for you to express to him that it hurts you and makes you feel uneasy thinking of him dancing with another girl, and you don't like him drinking quite so much (if that's a problem) but I don't think it would be fair to berate him much more than that if all he did was danceinnocently. If he cares about how his actions effect your feelings, he'll try to stay away from situations such as these.

Think about it this way: he made the decision to dance with her. You can tell him that it bothers you, but if he felt that it was an okay thing to do, and he knows in his heart that he was being faithful, then you have to trust him and there's not much else you can do.

I can definitely understand how you feel though. My boyfriend went to a wedding recently, drank, and met and partied with a lot of people his age (girls too). He did the same thing on an educational summer program in Chicago. I was extremely jealous, but I had to learn to trust him when he says that he did not do anything that he wouldn't do if I were there. I know how much it hurts, but a relationship really does require this trust, and without it, we drive ourselves insane thinking "what if..." all the time. Trust that your partner made a conscious decision in choosing to dance with her if he tells you that it was completely innocent.

My boyfriend will leave for college soon and I'm already worried about the upcoming LDR! (for about a year anyway). Anyway, I hope you can learn to let this go for the bigger issue here is maintaining your relationship. I'm an extremely jealous person and what I've learned is that until he gives you a reason to mistrust him, you have to have faith. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself insane Good luck

[Luciana]

Women who are jealous like we are make men very afraid. They are scared they won't be able to do anything.

They call us "b***s"

They call us crazy.

They take their time to commit if they ever do.

 

It's very hard to change. Maybe it's something in our brains.

But, these feelings diminish from feeling confortable with a guy. Of course if a man is flaky and doens't tell you many things, you will always be suspicious. If he lies and cheats once, you will always be suspicious.

 

SO for us, the nice guy type is the best. We do better with nice, calm guys. Avoid the bad boy type (you are in for a lot of pain!). Avoid the mysterious ones, the players, the racers and travelling salesmen, the pilots, the jet setters, the very rich and the womanizer ones and the very very handsome ones. We will always suffer with them.

 

Instead, look for the goofy ones, the brainy ones, the intellectual ones, the soft and romantic ones, the more feminine ones, the nerd type, the religious one, the quiet shy one. These men are dedicated, don't lie, are honest and make you feel secure.

 

Talking from experience. I am 43, have been married many years, dated a lot too. I have had both types. The first type gave me a lot of grief. The second type made me feel very secure and focus on othe things in life (more productive things, instead of obsessing with one man).

 

If you are jealous, think about that. That may apply to men too. The sexy types always wants male attention; the serious ones don't.

[Celadon]

Nice post, Luciana! I appreciate your point that sometimes we need to accept our nature and find a man who will fit with us.

[sphtn]

This is a tough one... he really didn't show any remorse about the situation... plus he says he was really drunk... is that his excuse??

 

Sure we all do things were not suppose to... and alcohol can really impare judgement!! (I know this for a fact!!!)

 

Being upset is natural... how you handle it... is going to be the key!!

 

Why did he tell you this?? Was he being straight and honest with you?? Was he worried someone was going to tell you about it?? Was he "bragging" about it?? Was he trying to show you that he can still get "pretty" girls??

 

Oh the joys of life...

 

How long have you been dating?? Does this feel like someone you could marry?? Is this your lifemate?? Soulmate?? ... or not?? If not... move on... be nice about it...

 

Let us know how it goes!!!

I am sure we will all be thinking good thoughts for you!!!

 

Shawn

[squarepeg]

Thanks for all your replys, I'll think about what all of you have suggested.

 

I have been with this guy for almost a year and a half. Its been rocky in parts and I honestly have no idea at this point where we will end up.

 

He told me this girl he feels for like he feels for his sister, she was someone he knew as a child and saw her bored so asked her to dance, and everyone else was dancing.

 

I have since brought it up as nicely as I can, and he responded that he felt so strongly about me being jealous because he really wished i had been there, so was bothered that I would be so upset that he danced with 'some one he had no interest in whatsoever'. I feel in my heart that he is being honest (what man tells there gf/significant other that he has danced with someone if he feels guilty about it..its not like I drille dhim for the info or anything it was volunteered very openly..) but what bothers me is that he equated me being jealous with me not trusting him at all.

 

I just dont get men sometimes (no offense to the men out there). Why would a guy not understand a girl can get jealous over stuff like this, and yet trust him at the same time?

 

Its very baffling.

[nomore]

Squarepeg,

 

I think you really need to calm down and stop this ridiculous and daffy attitude. He only danced with some girl, he did not make out, felt her, or had sex with her, did he? No, so there is no reason for you to go haywire on him for such trivial behavior. He was even honest enough to tell you about it; doesn't this mean anything to you.

 

As of you thinking your relationship is going nowhere with him, that's up to you to decide, none of us is there to see how things are heating up.

[LonelyGirl]

I just have one thing to say...Why do people come out and say things to their significant others like that? IF it didn't really mean anything he should have kept it to himself! He probably should have kept it to a one dance minimum especially if he's "taken". OR there are some more serious issues here.