I Can't Stop Loving You - SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

If time cures all wounds, why does my heart still hurt? Time can seem to stand almost still for those with a broken heart. From my personal experience, the nights were the worst. It’s been over six years since my breakup yet I can remember how my heart felt as if it were yesterday. Memories of the first time you met or maybe even the first time you kissed may flood your thoughts yet the present reality proves you are still silently alone.

 

 

Have you ever wondered why you can’t remember what you had for dinner last Tuesday night yet you can remember the details of what your ex was wearing the very first time you laid eyes on them or maybe the way they smiled at you from accross the room? Why is it we tend to remember only the good times rather than the bad times that led up to your break? The truth is we choose what we see in our thoughts regardless if you believe my theory or not. I knew these feeling well years ago because all I wanted to do was choose to remember all the good times we had together rather than focus on the back. Why did I do this? Simple…one word and that word is denial.

 

It is so easy to remember the good times in a relationship because when your heart is broken, we tend to automatically choose to focus on something good out of a bad situation.

 

 

Let’s break this down a bit…

 

 

No matter what amount of time that passes between the beginning of a relationship and the ending…you have the possibility of three circumstances that describe your situation.

 

1. Good
   
2. Bad
   
3. Indifferent
   

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to over simplify the between feelings of each category. I am merely trying to establish an emotional theme. Take for instance the good times.

 

 

Good times are described as anything that isn’t bad or indifferent. Maybe a first date, a fun trip you took together or the first time you were intimate together.

 

The bad is described as feelings that are not happy or indifferent. This can be described as maybe a fight or disagreement, jealousy or possibly the first time you saw them the way they really are rather than what you thought they were.

 

Indifference is neither good nor bad. Have you ever thought of getting out of a relationship yet you didn’t know how or if you should? Think of indifference as “going through the motions” rather than feeling any emotion whatsoever.

 

 

 

Heartache hurts. It is never easy to deal with regardless if it was all of the sudden or you may have seen the red flags but chose to ignore it. So many have asked for advice based on the thought process of “If I do this…will they do, think or feel that for me”? My advice has always been to go with what you know. If someone has left you because they were unhappy in the relationship, then why would you try to win them over by all of the sudden changing the very existence of you in order to be loved by them? Is this practical? Absolutely not! Why would you change who you are at the core in order to be loved?

 

 

Desperation can make you do silly if not foolish things. We have all been there. I can’t tell you how many foolish things I have tried in my past to “win someone back”. Quite frankly, it’s almost comical when I look back. I did these things mostly because I was happiest when I was with someone rather than alone. I didn’t know how to be happy without trying to please someone else. I am a pleaser by nature but I never knew the difference between making me happy or “us” happy. What I mean by making “us” happy is making me happy at the same time as making someone else happy. Sounds a bit odd when you put it in writing but that is the best way I can describe it.

 

When we give up our own happiness to please someone else, we lose who we are. As I have often described, when the very something that makes you happy walks out the door…where did all that happiness go? It went right out the door with the person you relied on that “made you happy.” (or happiest)

 

 

The definition of despair is simply the loss of hope. How harsh is that? Without hope? If you have nothing to lose yet everything to gain (so we think) why not change in order to get an ex back?

 

Here’s the rub…

 

Once you claim to change for someone: “I promise I will change …just don’t leave me.” The countdown begins without you even knowing it. What is counting down? Easy…the time you have until you demonstrate you CAN’T or WON’T change. OUCH! It’s easy to put into words that you will do this in order to get that but words promised are a heck of a lot different that putting and KEEPING them into action. If someone ever promised you they would change but didn’t in the long run…post a reply to this thread. I would like others to learn from your past situations in order to show “just cause”.

 

 

 

 

Let’s take a look at something completely different…. (This might sting a little)

 

 

 

What if you had the ability to look at yourself from your ex’s point of view? The truth is you can. It’s really not that difficult but this can be a real eye opener AFTER the fact.

 

For instance…

 

 

Your ex gives you the dreaded news that they want to leave you due to whatever reason and you are left hollow and broken. You focus inward and begin concocting a plan to “get them back” (don’t laugh…you know who you are). Now here is the rub. Have you ever thought that your ex may have left you already WHILE IN THE RELATIONSHIP? It is a major difference when someone you love has already given up while in the relationship and has become the dreaded “indifferent”. Let’s get real here people. Who wants to even comprehend that the one they love the most has already fallen out of love with you and is merely waiting for the right time to leave or waiting for someone else to come along.

 

 

If someone’s heart is already made up and you are not in it, no matter what you do, say or promise is NOT going to bring them back. I know this because I have been the goober that has tried to win back a prize that doesn’t want me. What happened was that I fell further into despair due to my desperation to get them back after they had already given up on me. Those out there who have broken up with an ex only to have them try to win you back can tell you it’s embarrassing to see someone acting desperate to get YOU back. Now reverse that tactic and look at yourself through your ex’s eyes and tell me what you see? With that said, I know there are those out there that want to ask…well how do you know the difference whether they need a break because they love you or not? My answer is exactly what I said before…”go with what you know…never with what you assume.” If someone tells you it’s over…believe it’s over. The more you hang on the more you can be dragged behind and further get hurt. Why play games with an ex or allow them to play you like a fool because you are desperate to have them back in your life? Don’t ever rely on words, rely on actions. Why? It’s easy if you think about it…

 

If I said I loved you then punched you in the face…are you going to believe my actions or my words?

 

 

On this forum alone, how many countless threads are created that have the phrase “but my situation is different” somewhere within its content. Typically this phrase is used because you do not want your circumstance to be the same as others. You are choosing not to look at your relationship (what it was) because you are refusing to believe it could possibly be over. Your mindset is this:

 

Reality: Three thousand people tell you to move on because they have been in the similar situation and offer you free advice based off the mistakes they have made.

 

A few people tell you to hang on and don’t give up on your last relationship after your ex walked out on you.

 

 

Results: You choose to not give up on your ex. In your head you are thinking “If I give up I must not believe in us (as a couple) and that would show that I did not love them.”

 

 

Majority doesn’t always rule but results (reality) always wins over “what if”.

 

 

 

Take back what was once yours. You have always belonged to you. You mattered from the day you were born. You have had more time alone that you ever did with your ex. Ex’s are not bad people. We all want certain things and sometimes we must end chapters of out life ourselves or sometimes they end without us wanting them to end. Take care of you and learn to overcome your feelings of rejection. Learn that you can get through heartache if you really choose to feel better. You can do this if you really want to. All you have to do is take the necessary steps to put YOU first.

 

 

Hope is a great thing…but never, ever stop loving you.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[dolorosa]

What if you are a very happy person, and have everything that makes you happy ( besides material stuff), I am divorced and learned so much after my divorce, my ex boyfriend was not a rebound, I date other people after my divorce. Along the way I learned so much, what I want and what i dont, so I thought I found the right person to make things work and just live a normal life, and all of the sudden my ex says sorry but "you say I love too many times" or you did not want to walk to me to that fountain on that certain day, come on... the truth is, it takes comminment and two people with both feet in the relationship to make it work. I think some people are just afraid to get in and try. I love myself, I am not going to die or starve for my ex but I love him and wanted to make the relationship work. I do not longer hope he comes back because I have been the dumper before enough times to know that very few times you ever want to talk to your ex again, you are relieve they are gone if love was not there.

 

Sorry if I am being bitter....

[SuperDave71]

Along the way I learned so much, what I want and what i don't

 

This is the EXACT difference in being happy and not being happy. You said it best. If you know what you want and certainly what you DON'T want...then you are an exception to the rule which a great thing.

 

This is why I didn't want anyone to assume that my opinions were so black and white but merely a grey area. You didn't sound bitter whatsoever. You are one of the lucky ones who has learned from your past and that the word love means "all" not just someone else.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

 

Thanks for your reply

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[dolorosa]

Don't get me wrong I have begged for my ex to come back or I did, but what hurt me the most is the lack of an ending, I know I don't need it to keep going but it would have been nice. Now, I can see that he wanted what was best for him as we all do.

[Dlar]

That bit hit me deep... But it's correct.

 

I'm sat here hoping she will get in touch, hoping I'll get a text saying "I miss you". But then I think about when I dumped my ex. Although I did care about her, was really upset when I saw her heart broken, I just did not want to talk to her, and the reason for this is because I knew should would plead for me to take her back, she did this once and I gave in, gave her another chance and it still wasn't working, so why should you go back to them if you want to leave in the first place?

 

Truth hurts, but it's something we have to live with.

[SuperDave71]

I understand dolorosa. We all want some kind of closure but a lot of times, it just never happens. No matter how much we think it will help, a break is a break. Even if there is closure, the pain and the hole it creates in our hearts is still there. Who's to say the real reason behind a break is really disclosed? Some people chose to safe face by claiming they just need sometime apart but in reality..they had someone waiting in the wings the whole time.

 

 

Please don't get me wrong...

 

 

There are so many people who are honest with their feelings only to get their hearts ripped out by someone who wasn't.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Dlar]

I understand dolorosa. We all want some kind of closure but a lot of times, it just never happens. No matter how much we think it will help, a break is a break. Even if there is closure, the pain and the hole it creates in our hearts is still there. Who's to say the real reason behind a break is really disclosed? Some people chose to safe face by claiming they just need sometime apart but in reality..they had someone waiting in the wings the whole time.

 

 

Please don't get me wrong...

 

 

There are so many people who are honest with their feelings only to get their hearts ripped out by someone who wasn't.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

This is true as well!!

 

I think my ex is now with someone else, or someone else was the reason for our split... Infact she's not even said we've split she's just ignoring me, even though I said if I don't hear from her I'll assume it's over.

 

But when I finally split with my other ex (the 2nd split) it was because I liked someone else, as well as I felt the relationship was going no where (Reason i tried to split the 1st time). I never told her there was someone else because I knew it would hurt her even more, and now I'm having it done back to me and it hurts.

[JonasWaingaro]

I understand dolorosa. We all want some kind of closure but a lot of times, it just never happens. No matter how much we think it will help, a break is a break. Even if there is closure, the pain and the hole it creates in our hearts is still there. Who's to say the real reason behind a break is really disclosed? Some people chose to safe face by claiming they just need sometime apart but in reality..they had someone waiting in the wings the whole time. But I agree, a lot of times there is no closure. We just move on and do the best we can in life. We heal, and hope to love again.

 

 

Please don't get me wrong...

 

 

There are so many people who are honest with their feelings only to get their hearts ripped out by someone who wasn't.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

That's what really hurts and gives no real sense of closure - just a sense of betrayal. Lying about the reason, especially when it's the 'someone else'. Yes being honest would hurt just as much, but at least you know. Finding out later that it was all a fraud is hurt x1000. Sure they feel better since they don't look like tools, but at what cost? A lot of damage from people taking the cowards way out. I do agree we don't always get closure. We move on and live our lives, hoping we find love again.

 

Anyhoo, nice post SuperDave. Hope you are doing good these days! (Did you ever update how things went with you? Don't think I ever read one )

[SuperDave71]

People have asked me why it hurts more when someone leaves you for someone else rather than just leaving in general. My reply is always the same...you are being replaced (at least it feels that way). Who wants to feel as though they were not good enough to be loved?

 

 

What so many don't understand is that feeling change, people change and situations change. Just because someone leaves DOESN'T mean you were not good enough...it's because someone's feelings changed or something changed in order for your ex partner to want/need to leave.

 

 

Regardless the reason, it is NEVER easy.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[guest281]

super dave - why is my ex gf who left me now leaving comments such as its sad when people dont want to be part of my life - you used to love me once upon a time. and trying to get a friend to find out my business and asking about dates i have went on. do you think she is realising grass isnt greener etc or is just jealous..

 

she left me for someone else about 2 1/2 months ago. we were together a year. she said if i meet someone it wil kill her, and she has loved before but not like me and hers love. and i do believe this is the case. i dunno why she felt the need to leave me, but i believe it wasnt easy for her, and that somehow was talked into it. 2 weeks before we broke up we booked a holiday?!

[SuperDave71]

she said if i meet someone it wil kill her

 

Did you happen to mention to her that leaving you was no picnic...let alone for someone else? If she is already single again...either one or two things has happened:

 

1. He dumper her

2. She dumped him

 

 

She doesn't know what she wants but I can tell by your post that she doesn't like being alone. Do your self a favor and don't worry about what she is thinking or wondering. If she wants you bad enough, she will admit she made a mistake and not be dishonest about the way she feels about you.

 

Do assume anything. Go with what you know. Don't become a safety net just to get back together in order for her to dump you all over again.

 

 

Be cautious.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[guest281]

no i didnt - i asked her why leave me then - she couldnt answer the question

 

yeah she actually cant be alone, although she was single for a year and a half before i met her. but she is very needy and i think shes now going through the pain of breaking up with me. i dont know if she will admit a mistake. as far as i am aware she is still with her new partner, so why does it even matter what i am up too? its none of her business but seems she really wants to know. i seen her a few weeks ago on a night out. i just looked at her and she kept watching me all night then text me a few days later asking why i didnt speak. i didnt reply. only for the fact was the answer would be - i have nothing to talk to you about. does she really believe i can talk to her when she thinks shes done nothing wrong... i dont want to come accross cheeky to her.

 

i just wish i knew what she was playing at!

[SuperDave71]

Guest,

 

Quit looking for signs (false hope). You are just as much as fault at playing games as she is. If it didn't matter...you wouldn't care about what her intent is/was.

 

 

If it was that easy to leave you...do you think you want to make it easy for her to possibly come right back in? Do you think that less of yourself to accept the scraps of "good enough" rather than "the best of the best"?

 

Do what you can to not worry about what she thinks and start worrying about what it is YOU think.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[guest281]

the thing is i want her back - i know thats wrong to say, but she means a lot to me. sometimes you have to let them go and if they come back they are yours.

 

but with me doing the nc it could mean i dont care anymore or something? but i guess if she ever did want me back she knows how to say it?

[lamarthe]

closure...yes I guess tat is perhaps what we all hope for so we can somehow start over...but it's much more complicated than that and a badly broken heart probably never quite recovers, that pain we felt can't really be forgotten. despite the fact I've moved on, i so clearly remember that pain. and I so clearly can then feel anger.

what is closure from your experiences - what was it that made you feel "i have got closure now"? can we really recover unless we are able to define to ourselves "I finally feel closure". I find it very confusing. sometimes it feels as if you are there, other times it feels as if you are nowhere near it. and this even years after. to me indeed confusing. I know I am not in love anymore but sthg still annoys me.

[SuperDave71]

She left you my friend. She found it easy. She walked right out of your life and now possibly wants back in. Let me ask you this..WHY do you want her back?

 

NC is not a plot in order to get an ex back..it's to get you back. Why do you care? Do your feelings not matter? Do you remember how it felt when she left? Did it hurt? Do you want to go through that again?

 

Let me put it to you another way:

 

If you had a flat tire and you left your car on the side of the road...then 2 months later you go back to the car....is the tire fixed?

 

NO...because nothing was done to fix it.

 

 

Please don't get me wrong but by her sending you a text saying "Why didn't you talk to me" AFTER she dumped you...is a pretty selfish thing to say.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[90_hour_sleep]

Let me put it to you another way:

 

If you had a flat tire and you left your car on the side of the road...then 2 months later you go back to the car....is the tire fixed? NO...because nothing was done to fix it.

 

 

great analogy.

[6yeardumped]

One questions: isnt there a moment where NC can actually become harmful to the purpose of a future relationship with the ex?

[SuperDave71]

6year,

 

If someone loves you enough and wants you back so badly...not even N.C. would prevent them from trying 100%.

 

At that point, it would be up to you to determine if you both deserve another chance. the secret is not getting back together...it's STAYING together.

 

Just my two cents....

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Dlar]

Ok Dave,

 

Answer me a question.

 

I've known this lass for a long time, we grew apart and started seeing other people. We both became single and through the powers of FB and MSN we started talking again. Got on really well as though we had never stopped talking. A good few months of talking we both admitted we had fallen for each other, but nothing really materialised we just stayed friends, texting etc.

I admit I started been a little funny with her, and she found someone else. It hurt me when i found out she was then in a relationship with this guy. I text her asking why she never told me, and she said it's because I didnt seem interested so she didnt see why she needed to tell me.

I told her my true feelings for her, and a few days later this other lad ended it with her because she was been really odd with him, she told me it's because she wanted me, and always did want me but saw no other option to move on, until I told her how I felt.

So anyway, we become close again, really close. Agreed to meet up and stuff. Time comes to meet, and I get no text all day (The night before, she went out with her mates and was texting me ALL night, even though I told her not to, an to have a good time). She texts me at about 5pm saying her Nan is ill and can't come out... Fair enough. I reply and get no reply... Wake uo next day, no reply. So I text her saying Im shocked i had no text at all... She says "Sorry, i was upset didnt talk to anyone".

Then every night she stops txting back, from about 5pm till 10pm with no explination. Always say' shes been to see her nan in hospital and can't have her phone on. I cant complain here, if her nans ill that comes first but surely a text to say "Just going to see my nan now ill speak later" isnt hard either?

 

Anyway, since then things seemed all weird, she works most Saturday nights, but I always get a text when she gets home from work. One night I didn't get a text from 7pm and I woke up next morning and still no text. I text her, no reply.I ring her, no answer. 7pm comes and I get a call from her, saying sorry I have just been busy at work. I say no problelm thats fine, but I was worried, a text when u get to bed is not hard just to say night?! Same happens the next weekend, so I then think things are od here.

 

This next week things are odd, we don't talk much at all. I text her Monday morning, get a reply at 10pm. Next coule of days are also odd, not much talking at all. Friday, I don't text her and she doesn't text me till 10pm asking why I'd not text her. I say cos she hasnt text me first for the past few days, she says sorry, and that's it, hear nothing else.

 

Text her Saturday, no reply alll day. Wake up and find out she is now friends with this other guy she started seeing as mentioned at the start of this post (They had fallen out, de-friended on facebook etc when they split) and she had put a status on facebook (Still not text me back). He comments "Whats up now? x" to me, that makes me feel they've been talking and she' been telling him she's not been happy or summin, especially the "now" bit.

 

I question it and get an angry response "I dont have time for this, ill text u later im ta work". I get no reply all night. At this point im fearing the worst, so i send her a few messages saying how i feel about her and want to resolve it and to get no reply at all was heart breaking. Wake up monday, go to work and finally get a text, but it's just an angry text, again saying she aint got time, had other thngs on her mind. I stop texting back. We last talked on Tuesday night, again her been all angry, I'm asking whats going off with us two, her reply again "dont have time for this, i have other issues" but she won't tll me what.

 

I tell her to text me then whe nshe wants, if i get no text i assume it' over but would rather her be mature about it and speak to me.

 

From that night, ive not heard owt. She's updated her status a lot on facebook but im still left in the lurch, no idea what to do?!

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry for such a long post, needed to vent my frustration, and if I don't do it here, I'll end up messaging her and I dont want to do that!

[SuperDave71]

Dlar,

 

Let me guess this straight...you have a texting, internet relationship yet she won't meet in person because she keeps giving you excuses?

 

 

Am I correct in the assumption?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Dlar]

Kind of, Yes.

 

She always used to ask me to go somewhere with her and I was the one syaing no. Then I lost her and realised how much I liked her. As I say, we was friends and close a few years ago too.

 

Not she was the one giving me excuses. Busy at work, busy see'ing her nan and also busy with her daughter as she has a child.

[guest281]

yeah dave i totally understand where you are coming from on this.. why do i want her back? because i love her so much still (even after what i have been put through) and feel there is so much more to give. but your right, she found it easy to walk out on me. which means shes over it and wants bigger and better things. my feelings do matter, and yes i remember it very well when she left. i couldnt eat, sleep, focus, i was a wreck! i do not want to go through that again, and its a possibility i will if it was to ever happen again. i do see the sense in forgetting about it.

 

i just wish my heart would hurry up and catch up with my head.

 

yes her text message saying that is really selfish. actually anything she has text me is all for her benefit either to put her mind at ease or an ego boost. and to say she has tried to be my friend?! its like shes putting all the blame onto me!

 

ahhhh plenty more fish in the sea, i will move onwards and upwards, just sometimes its hard to control the false hope signs

[SuperDave71]

Too busy to see you?

 

How long does it take to send a text? How many people do NOT carry cell phones? Let's be honest here...As hard as this is to say, I really think she is not THAT into you. To say I miss you yet never want or make excuses why she can't see you is obvious.

 

A text message requires little or no effort.

 

 

Any input on this?

 

 

**Remember**

 

"Actions Speak Louder Than Words"

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Guest,

 

I know it's hard my friend but to be fool once is a mistake...to be a fool twice is...well foolish.

 

 

Keep your chin up!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71