Confused about physical attraction and personality...

[mrconfused]

Hey all,

 

I'm in a dilemma..and I shouldn't be. I've been separated for about 6 months, with the divorce being finalised. I'm a very attractive 35 year old that looks and dresses late 20's. I'm not conceited; I've always thought less of myself than others have.

 

I'm a romantic and always wear my heart on my shoulder, am a giver and a 1 girl man. I'm a genuinly nice guy, never have been a user.

 

After the split, i got counseling and it really helped me with my self confidence and ability to be happy alone.

 

 

I've been seeing a lady 1 year my senior for about 2 months now..I met her on the net and we hit it off emotionally BIG time. I was dating to date...not to find true love...yet. When we met, it was magic from an emotional standpoint. She is intelligent, witty, funny, deep, all on a level amazingly equal to my own...like a soul mate...scarry. And...she is pretty, was gorgeous as a younger lady but is showing her age.

 

 

To me she looks a decade older than me and has a figure a bit larger than what I usually look for and find attractive...and it is becoming an issue with me. Am I being totally juvenile or what?? Everything is there, even when we kiss it's magic...but I'm not sure I can be totally attracted to her physically long term.

 

Maybe my problem is there are many incredibly attractive girls in my area that have expressed interest in me. I draw attention of young 20's girls wherever I go...please understand I'm not being conceited. It just makes it hard for me, almost like a curse. I drive a nice car, have a great job and house...and know I can be picky..but is it worth it? What is wrong with me?? I dated about 10 girls before this one i'm monogamous with but still feel like I have more dating I need to get out of my system...but don't want to lose what could be true love.

 

I can take honest advise!!!

 

thanks...

[goddess23]

lol i know you're not trying to be conceited. anyways, about how you feel about this woman. now generally i would just say that it cannot work without the physical attraction, i feel its the physical+emotional that equals the spark and so called "MAGIC!!". but you seem to feel that without the physical attraction to her. i mean, i have a friend that im so like a twin of, and we get along great, but the physical attraction and sparks just dont fly. it seems that right now you're at a stage in your life, hate to say it but mid life crisis, where the attractive part is REALLLLY important to you right now. especially since you're not ready for LOVE, just lust really. i think if you know you just cant see a real future or relationship with her, that you should not tell her anything really just make sure not to send any flirtatious signals, and let her be that friend you really need. however, you mentioned kissing which means you cant just switch now to "friend" mode. you should tell her that you really are not ready for a relationship at this point, and that your really fresh from divorce, and tell her that you would just rather have a friend than a partner. honestly the way it sounds, you know already you cannot really commit to her, unfortunately to YOU shes not attractive. because we know that to a 50 year old male, she might be the hottest thanggg, lol but to you she just doesnt float your boat. its okay, its natural, but it does confuse me the sparks. you really need to decide if that physical is something you can really overlook. honestly you should be with someone you think is absolutely beautiful. but it just seems right now, she just doesnt fit it for you. it does seem wrong, but it really isnt. and if anyone says differently than they're probably being hypocrite because to everyone, to some degree, the physical does matter, its just to different people, attractive is differnt. i think really think about how you feel and try to let her down in the way i mentioned. plz keep me posted, bye.

[Mun]

Hi there,

Maybe what you should be asking yourself is whether a younger woman can give you the same thing emotionally that this lady can. I think it's important to be physically attracted to your partner as well as emotionally and mentally connected. Sometimes when you find true love, looks take a second place, then after awhile you start to see this person in a new light. Suddenly they are the most attractive thing you could find.

 

You'll realize you have matured emotionally when you don't care what other people think about your partner as long as she makes you happy.

[skeeter]

I have to agree with Muneca...... Looks are only skin deep. If you feel you are a STUD and can get any attractive woman you want then go do it and get through this obstacle in your life.

 

Some younger women like older guys for they feel more secure and know that older men have more experience and know how to be caring. But then all hell breaks loose when they no longer need your security and learned from you how to be mature and independent. You now aren't that so gorgeous attractive guy they first met and its time they get back into their own age group or even younger then themselves.

 

Not all but its happening all around us... Same thing applies for men but I don't think it's near as high.

 

You really need to get this physical attraction behind you because like a book you can't tell the story by its front cover.

 

Who needs a trophey in life.... We all get old and we all age and change. Yes some stay pretty damn good looking all their lives but, you'll be fishing for the rest of your life if you continue to have this physical attraction hangup.

 

If you do break off and go towards the physical thing.... take a good look at her mother and father. Are they attractive people and are they well fit. usually helps to determine if the kids have the potentials of gaining as they age.

 

Also if you meet a physically attractive woman ask her if she cares about herself enough to want to stay physically fit for you for the rest of her life as long as you maintain your physique for her. Let her know you care about that. If she thinks anything wrong of you for feeling this way then she is not meant for you period.

 

It's called ACCEPTANCE! We all have our expectations about our other half and if we can't be open and honest from the beginning then you will have problems in the future.

[bzborow1]

I'm going to disagree a bit with the previous posters. If you feel she's a really cool gal but it just isn't there physically perhaps that's a sign to move on. In my view, if you don't feel "attraction" when you are around this girl then you are doing yourself (and her) a diservice.

 

Another thing that struck me about your wanting to move on was this....

 

but still feel like I have more dating I need to get out of my system...but don't want to lose what could be true love.

 

So in my view, if you feel the attraction stay...if you don't...then there's nothing you can do to change that so you should probably move on.

[skeeter]

bzborow.........what did u disagree with from all of the rest of the posters here? It seems to me you agreed to everything said here....

[Mun]

This thread really hit home for me because I was on the other side. Someone told me that he thought I was everything he wanted in a mate but he still had some dating to get out of his system.

 

I hope you don't regret the choice you make Mrconfused.

[goddess23]

he disagrees with the fact that some of you mentioned that the physical attraction will later come. i put up a long post, and still agree with every word. but as i said the confusion that hit me is sparks without the physical, but ya just keep reading my post lol cuz i really believe in what i posted. but you need to know yourself and figure out how you really feel.

[mrconfused]

The comments really help. Now, more to the story. We have actually been completely intimate. It has been the most amazing intimacy of my life by the way. It happened before my first post, but I didn't want to fill it in with lots of details.

 

So, we had already taken the relationship to the next level. I NEVER have used a girl for love, ever. When we were intimate, it was like I learned what 'making love' was all about. Before it had always been about lust...almost to a point where it is engrained into me. Society today caters to a man's lust making it something on the forefrunt of our(my) minds..

 

The ex..She was gorgeous, and sweet, but was essentially dumb. She had no depth to her, so I eventually lost my respect for her lack of self growth. She grew less attractive to me and I to her..that tells me something about love..

 

I spent this weekend with this girl, and told her I was concerned with some issues about her, but never brought up looks. She handled it all with incredible maturity. She really is beautiful, and is becoming more so every day to me..but when I go to work it gets difficult. She lives in another city, so I only see her a few times a month. The rest of the time I can sit, think and take it slow...perfect I thought, given my situation. When I think about letting her go I get sick inside, like i'd be losing the best woman I've ever found.

 

 

I really think I've found true love..but seem to want to sabatoge it, because I fear being vulnerable..and being hurt ever again. And,my humanly lust gets the best of me...why the hell!!! The irony is being with her has taught me lots about myself, and increased my self confidence by the truckload. If I chose to continue, i'd never cheat on her.

 

I know it's very soon for me, but damn..can Love just hit you like this when you least expect it?? I don't want her to be a stepping stone or a rebound..that thought makes me sick..If, Like Skeeter said I get a gorgeous girl and get it out of my system..I will lose this girl and hurt someone else..not what I want to do. No one deserves to be hurt.

 

Other issues abound in the domestic arena. She has kids and lacks the ability to move to my town if the future works for us. Meaning..we would need to meet in the middle, requiring a move and long commute for me. I know, lots of big thoughts and what if's but they are all valid in my eye.

 

Boy, this is great therapy and is much cheaper than my therapist!!!

 

I look forward to hearing more from you guys/girls...My appreciation is ten-fold

[Mun]

I hope you know how lucky you are.

 

It's the most amazing thing when you find all ( or as many) of the qualities you want in one person. Don't think too much about the future now, so you don't scare yourself out of this, instead enjoy being together and loving each other.

 

Try to weigh your fear of giving yourself over completely against the thought of being completely alone or in a shallow relationship. You will see the first one outweighs the other.

 

Best of luck

[mrconfused]

I am so totally realizing I am happy...

 

You are right, Muneca. I've spent too much time in the thought process planning out future scenarios that I forgot to just live in and enjoy today. I'm a Virgo, and so Is she; a perfect life conquering pair. I'm touched by your post, and it's making me look at my situation in a whole new light. How lucky am I?? I've gone nearly 1/2 my life, and never have I found someone that makes me feel totally and unconditionally loved, in exactly the way I love back and recognize love. That's big, BIG. I'm going to quit anylizing the timing of it all and revel in the bliss, of Love.

[Mun]

I hope this means I get some good Karma

[mrconfused]

Just thought I'd add some more info I found out..

 

We had a astrological compatibility workup started by a family member about 6 weeks ago..It just came back. We are so completely compatible on every level it's rare. Wow...kinda gives my feelings of Love some validation...