Forgiveness

[Leighton]

I've posted my story on here before so I won't rehash it again. Quick version; about 3 years ago I got into an abusive relationship. It lasted about a year and a half, and ended when he left me for someone else. It's been almost 2 years since that happened, and we hadn't spoken since. It was the hardest thing I ever went through and I was very angry for a long time. I didn't think we would ever talk again or I'd ever get the answers I needed. A couple of weeks ago, my ex sent me an e-mail asking me to bury the past and talk to him. I deleted it, and he sent another one shortly after. He pleaded for me to talk with him because he had things he needed to say and he wanted to give me the respect and attention I deserved by answering my questions. I decided I probably had nothing to lose, and we met up. I got everything off my chest.. everything I never thought I'd get to say. He listened and agreed and we both just cried for hours. We met up again the next night and talked all night. Cried, laughed, got caught up. He apologized 1000 times and said he could never forgive himself for what he had done. He asked me to forgive him and I said I would try. I told him that despite everything, I wasn't bitter anymore and I always loved him. He looks like he has changed, and is working on himself.

 

I'd like to note that he isn't asking me to get back together. I don't want that either. He just wants forgiveness. My question is.. I obviously don't trust him as much as I'd like to believe how truly sorry he is. But can an abuser really see himself for who he is, and change in 2 years? He said he thought about me every day and the guilt was unbearable but he was afraid to talk to me because of rejection (I understood this, but still thought it was shady). He told me he loved me and wanted me back in his life as a friend, but if I couldn't do that, that he would let me be happy and leave.

 

I've realized that I can't have him in my life, because of the past but I'd like to be able to forgive him. A few nights ago I told him I didn't think I could and he was terribly hurt. Thoughts?

[alli]

Only if you want to. Remember that it's more about you letting go of your anger, than him feeling relief of his guilt. Also remember that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Don't just say the words to make him feel better. If you can't do it, you just can't. Maybe down the road you can though.

[italiannmf24]

I agree with the initial decision that you made. If you want to continue to live your life and now that your questions have been answered, you can carry on.

 

I'd tell him it's for the best because it truly is.

[metrogirl]

If he's feeling guilty then he should be dealing with that through therapy so he doesn't abuse his next girlfriend. I think his reaching out to you is an excuse to start talking to and hanging around you again.

[alli]

I think his reaching out to you is an excuse to start talking to and hanging around you again.

 

I suspected this as well.

[catfeeder]

In my book, a true apology offers something and asks nothing. When someone understands the magnitude of what they've done, they're willing to tell you this and then leave you alone with it. Sticking around to await forgiveness is something else, entirely.

 

I think you're being manipulated.

 

If you ever want to forgive this guy without being used for anything else in the process, you can go off and do that all by yourself.