For those that have felt "stuck" in LTRs

[charlridge]

Hi All,

 

I'm currently at an important crossroads in my life and are looking for common experiences that others may have had.

 

First, some background on me. Early 40s, never been married, been in three serious relationships. The first, in high school, lasted three years. The second, after college, lasted 8 years. My current, started immediately after the 8 year relationship, has lasted 10 years. I have a good job, though have a general feeling of dissatisfaction with my life. I will get to that further in a minute.

 

My current relationship is a very strong emotional connection. We have lived together for 6 years and are pretty much best friends. MY GF is also in early 40s. Neither of us feel strongly about having children, so that is not a factor. On paper, we have a good relationship. We rarely argue, we like eachother's company, and are affectionate to one another. Our sex life has faltered a bit, but that's primarily because of me...I'm emotionally frustrated these days.

 

Here's the problem, I'm stuck. Since the early days of our relationship, I never felt head over heels in love. We were more friends with benefits, then the relationship grew from there. There was never a point where I felt I was with the woman I would marry. She has pushed for more over the years, but lately seems content to "ride it out". The relationship is enjoyable and a strong source of emotional security (and I love her) but I am simply not passionate about it (the way I WANT to be).

 

Unfortunately, my indecisiveness about the relationship has had a ripple effect on other aspects of my life. I find it difficult to make other decisions in my life. I avoid making any decisions that "tie me down". I have long dreamed of relocating to the west coast (where I visit regularly), but haven't had the guts to do it. Part of my indecisiveness is tied to that unfulfilled dream. Yet, as I get older, I wonder if that dream is just a pipe dream (in that moving there will not make me the happier person that I envision it could).

 

So this brings me to the crossroads. I have been given an opportunity by my employer to relocate to the west coast. I have had two similar opportunities in the past 6 years, both of which I turned down (regretfully). I really want to go this time, but understandably, my GF won't leave her job and family to move accross the country with no commitment (and I'm not ready to propose). At the same time, I'm absolutely terrified of losing her. My "gut" tells me I should pursue my dream once and for all, but my heart doesn't want to lose my relationship. ](*,)

 

I feel like I need to get this dream out of my system before I can "let go" and start living life as opposed to watching it past by. I WANT to be married and settled down, but I know I need to be happy and at peace with myself before I can commit to someone else. Yet, even knowing that, I love my current GF and feel like I may be potentially throwing away a once in a lifetime relationship.

 

Anyone else been faced with a similar dilemma? Would love to hear experiences and opinions.

[alli]

You seem pretty conflicted. I can really relate to a lot of your feelings, but I don't feel exactly the same as you so I can't say what I would do is what you should do.

 

There's two sides to everything, but basically my take is:

 

-You've been together 10 years and you're still not ready to get married

-You don't feel that you are "in love"

-You feel a general dissatisfaction with your life

 

Yet you also say you want to settle down and get married. But when? How can you want both to get married & not to get married at once? Why 10 years and never make a move? I'm not saying you should, I'm just wondering why you haven't.

 

Honestly, I'd probably seriously consider the move. Look into what your job would be, what your paycheck would look like & what kind of home you could afford with it. You may be talking about California which tends to have a high cost of living. Also what the traffic is like & how long it will take you to get to work every day in it. Being in a traffic jam every day will really put you in a bad mood. Also, how close you would be to the things you enjoy- the beach, parks, shopping, etc... whatever it is that you like.

 

If you can't marry her & she can't move for you, maybe you are just afraid of the change, of going alone, than you are of losing her. You said yourself you don't feel you are in love.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

So sorry you're in such a big dilemma. I've not been in a similar situation, but I've regretted passing up opportunities in the past. You clearly love your girlfriend but sound resentful that you've twice turned down the oppourtunity to to move to a place you've dreamed will make you happier.

 

Perhaps taking up the opportunity this time might be a blessing in disguise in terms of helping you and your GF figure out what you both want out of your relationship. It would be a shame to throw away ten years of a good relationship. You shouldn't break up with her when you take up the offer, but go and see how the place turns out for you. You may end up missing her so badly and perhaps realising you couldn't possibly live without her. That may be the jolt you need to make a commitment to her, seeing as you already love her anyway.

 

You've gone from long term relationships into long term, and perhaps never really had time off for yourself, to discover yourself and enjoy your own company. This could be that opportunity for you. Seeing as you both don't particularly want children, there's no rush to make that commitment on the basis of clocks ticking.

 

Another thing, always go with your gut. Always. Almost everything I've regretted in my life, I went against my gut feeling. Good luck.

[Avin]

Charlridge, I am in a very similar position to you...

 

Katastrophy's advice is spot on. You cannot let go of this dream because you will always ask your self what may have been. You are scared to let go of this GF but they say, if it is true love and meant to be, let it go and it will return. In practicality, go to the west-coast, spend a few months and see how you feel - absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you both find that you can handle being apart then yes, you have grown apart over 10 years and should seek to find new love. However, what you can't do is not stay friends. If the romance is over - the underlying friendship should be nurtured. You'll never forget this person and they will never forget you.

 

Avin

 

p.s i have a v. similar issue - don't know what to do...ill create a thread soon.

[charlridge]

Thanks all for the comments so far. Following my gut is great advice. Much more difficult in practice though. With that being said, I am leaning toward accepting the position, and taking a few months to see how that impacts my perspective of the relationship. I spoke with my GF, and although it hurts for us both, she is agreeable to try this. Like me, she just wants a resolution either way, so a few months of a controlled separation seems like the logical next step for us.

 

I realize that my longing to relocate won't go away, and need to get that out of my system before regret continues to poison my ability to love and be happy.