Today is tough

[Luigi68]

I'm finding it tough today. Took youngest daughter to football this morning then dropped her back at her mums. Feel lost without gf, she text a bit this morning, polite chat etc then they stopped. I know she is shopping with her new chap (my ex best mate) and doing the things that we used to do. She was adamant that we would stay real close as was I and that no-one would jeopardise our relationship as best mates (I know what most will think on this but we are still soo close we know we can pull it off). I went off shopping myself elsewhere, asking shop assistants to help me choose shirt and tie wtc - how sad, it sould be with her!! Feeling it!!

[annieperson]

Aww Luigi, I so know where you are coming from. Our situations sound very similiar. It's tough to see the person that you love, someone who you thought you had this special connection with, connect with someone else. It's like this secret club you too shared is not so secret after all. My ex and I always said that no matter what we were best friends (together for 17 years) and even soul mates and nothing could break our bond. We even still hang out sometimes. but he has managed to start living his life carefree while I am still in pieces.

 

Please know that we are here for you and can be an excellent support system if you feel like you have to talk or even just vent if you are angry or frustrated. I am told it will get easier and so let's go down that road together shall we?

[Luigi68]

Hi Annieperson, nice to know I am not alone in this. It is still raw for me and I desperately want her in my life even if it can only be as best mate/soul mate because thats how we feel we are. It has only been 2 weeks and she seeing my former best mate which makes it all the worse. Where I would just pop round I feel I can't although she says that I will be fine in time. We chat/txt and somehow I always manage to suggest a coffee but she always has him with her. I feel like I have been replaced. We met last week for a coffee and spent a wonderful hour in each others company chatting about everything, so relaxed. She even hugged me spontaneaously when I told her I was going to start footballing again and she seemed so pleased. Today it all hit me right between the eyes and I just want to cry. I have been quite strong at times lately and managed to reduce texts etc. I keep getting flashes of what they are doing together, even the most innocent of things hurts, it would be good to help each other through as I am sure you finding it tough too

[annieperson]

The mind can be a dangerous thing sometimes can't it? Sometimes I will text him just to chat on weekend at night and he says he can't talk cuz he is out. Out doing what? With who?? Why is he out having fun while I am busy feeling depressed in my apt?? Why isn't he in pieces?? It can just all get out of control can't it?

I am sorry to hear about her getting together with your best friend. How long were you two together? What caused the breakup?

[Luigi68]

Our relationship as friends started 6 years ago although we were both married. It developed into an affair regrettably after a couple of years and long story short there was plenty of life events involved that eventually took their toll on our respective marriages and subsequent relationship. We both still admit we best friends and soul mates and want to be in each others lives forever. I had reached a point where i knew she was the one for me but she lost that feeling, maybe because she is at a low with her health and 'mate' started sniffing around. I maybe not described that too well.

 

My mind goes into overdrive, i didn't sleep much last week but when i did one night i woke and the only way to describe it was that the blood between brain and skull was boiling and washing about like a rough sea - thankfully not recurred!!

 

I ought to write a book as we have come through so much together which is why it all feels such a waste

[annieperson]

Wow sounds like a novel! lol

I read some of your older posts and it sounds like you were more invested into this relationship than she was. It also sounds like she has some serious committment issues.

Regardless of how it ended, it still hurts I know. Hurt is hurt and when the heart is broken it can feel like simply breathing is a chore but I have faith that we will get through this. One of the biggest things I have learned my short time being on this forum is that although our stories may be different our pain is the same. And so is our healing. We WILL all be ok. We may make mistakes along the way and heck, maybe even go backwards sometimes but every day gets better. Find out who YOU are. Find out what YOU want out of your life, your relationships and find out what you can do better for next time. Laying around sinking in our own pity and sorrow is soooo easy and comfortable but we look weak and we project weakness. We need to learn confidence and hold our heads high so if and when we do see our exes we are not "faking" a smile, we are truly smiling. They will see we are happy and confident and then we will have the power. Whether or not we use that power to win them back or finally forgive them and move on, that is our own journeys to travel. Be strong, think positive and project the person you want to be. Big Hugs!

[Luigi68]

Hi, I often said I ought to write it all down and maybe one day I will. It could be a bestseller as has everything. I came on here today as am struggling a little. I have got to the stage where I don't often text her but she will maybe text me on her way to work, I ring and we have a chat and it is nice. The other day she rang to ask had I not got her text (which I hadnt) and we chatted. I felt ok as she instigated the call - I don't want NC as we have so much together outside of a relationship. At times it feels like she needs me to be around but then at other times we chat a few texts then she goes quiet. I supect that it is when he is around and wonder whether he is working on her subconscious - he has already said to her that he would be disappointed if I did something that broke the two of them up!!!! I am not going to play ganmes like that, if she wanted me nback then she has to make all the moves and I suspect the chance of that are very very slim as she has launched into this relationship full throttle it seems fo rfear of being left on the shel.f What a cheek after what he has done - he is an intelligent person and ex is vulnerable at times - I think he is playing his cards to try and edge me away even from friendship with her - I feel so sad about it all at times but overall feel I am moving in the right direction. I have been asked out on a couple of dates but don't feel ready even to spend time with someone else as it still raw - would feel like I misleading someone. My work is incredibly pressured too at the moment so I am getting it from all angles. Just felt like writing really x

[boyblue]

Luigi

 

Fair play to you mate I don't know how you can do it? If I was in that situation I would have to say you know nice knowing you but I cannot just be friends with you, if you ever want to talk about reconciliation then give me a shout but respect that I need space and a lot of time to get over this, I wish you both good luck and then go. It is going to hurt you more in the long run hanging about watching them together do you not think?

 

BB

[Luigi68]

I know that is how it appears. We have been through so much together and have so much in common that it hard to let go. I have read the reverse psychology piece and agree with it but we were so confident that we could maintain friendship that i need to keep some closeness. i desperately want to be strong, show her it doesnt bother me and get back the confidence that i had when she first set eyes on me! If there is ever a slim chance then that is what i need to do - doing it is proving harder than sayting it though at the minute!

[boyblue]

But it is that closeness and friendship that you are allowing to happen that is keeping her with the other guy. Honestly, she knows you will be waiting for her for ever and a day but you need to make sure that that is not the case. Stop talking to her about the RL with her guy and well consider dropping off the face of the Earth. Are you afraid she will forget about you? Women never forget but when you are there metaphorically holding her hand through her new RL she will think you approve and she will be only to glad of the shoulder to cry on - or the friend who loves hearing about how well she and "him" are doing! She'll never forget about you - as a friend!

 

What do you want from her, FZ of RL? If it FZ then keep doing what you are doing but if it is RL then you need to remove yourself from her life because it is going to cut you up more and more as the days go on. Don't take 2nd best. If you tell her you want to move on she will be pissed (because you've burst her bubble) but will secretly admire your stance and after a few months when her RL is going down the pan and you are not around as a shoulder to cry on she will start to think of you again.

 

Women need support and justification for their actions and it doesn't matter who gets in the way or who she has waiting about for her as long as she gets the choice to try out other guys - IF you let them that is.

 

BB

[Luigi68]

I know you are right, I just dont feel strong enough at present to pull away totally. I don't initiate texts and dont always reply immediately to hers, but i do reply. We have a few things planned historically and at present I intend to go through with them as mates, and just let her see how confident and self assured I am, ie. back to my best. No pressure and if other women about i'll chat to them as i am only with my 'friend'. the next few days are a good opportunity as I have something on tomorrow and friday and then saturday sunday i busy, the same mon tue so will give a natural break. test the water so to speak. I am getting through in my own mind by telling myself it is 'her loss' and whilst would never say that to her I firmly believe it in this case, although as you say she may not be truly feeling that at the minute!