30 days No Contact - thoughts

[myheadvsheart]

I found this site four days in to telling him I was moving on. I posted my "insights" here saying it gets easier. I was resolved to move on and wasn't second guessing or making his lack of commitment about me or some failure on my part.

 

For the most part I've been focused and dismiss thoughts when I think I miss him. The last few days have been tough, however. I've broken up with men in the past and vice versa, when I don't feel affection any longer, I'm the one to initiate breaking up. It's still painful and worse that they mistreat you to the point of prompting you to end it.

 

I suppose this was no different but he finally communicated that he didn't want an LDR, he wanted to be "a friend." Talked to him that same day and he was apologetic for the mean things he said when he was stressed as I signed off - he just said "good to say hi." Clearly he was ready to go platonic. I was honest, I couldn't and I needed to move on. A week later he caught me on my messenger saying he missed me. I deleted his contact info and did not respond to him. Later I said that unless he was willing to spend time with me for his sentiment to mean something, we weren't talking again. If he believes I deserve better and wants to be a friend, then wish me well and hope I find love with someone that loves me back - he did not have to stay in contact to do that. Hoped his life turns out the way he wants.

 

I was resolved and moving on. I think I did great for the first three weeks. I went to the gym. I saw friends. I got back to my shrink and told her about my decision and she seems to think I dodged a bullet and will be fine - to keep looking, even though it's tough. I work out more. I try to flirt but I'm not putting out signals that I'm interested - I am just trying hard not to show the disappointment on my face. Remind myself that there are better things in store for me and I do deserve better.

 

The last few days have been tough - I find myself in negative cycles, linking every other negative outcome to this ending. I'd love to be "over" this right away and mentally I tell myself this. Sentiments come up and they are hard to dismiss sometimes. I worry I'll run out of time that I'll have a family. Need to make decisions about this. To be honest there is a part of me that thinks - wow, he stopped protesting and worrying about whether he's perceived as a good guy or not - and just respected my wishes and left me alone. He took what I said to heart - if does, believe I deserve better, leave me alone...so he believes I deserve better then. Though I read about some of you having ex's break contact and getting upset with the contact wondering what it means and I try my best to be supportive - you broke up for a reason - unless the ex's contact is meaningful and knows what he/she wants from you - do not acknowledge it. It helps me with my own process to do this. Mentally it helps me disengage my emotions about my situation to look at someone else objectively - so I can do the same for myself. It's tough though, it truly is. I feel jealous for a moment that he's not upping his game and wanting to be better for me, if he believes I deserve it. My ego is soothed to hear that he missed me a month ago, but I don't want him to miss me - I don't want him to miss the woman that was giving him the benefit of the doubt and taking responsibility for his communication failure. I don't want him to miss that about me - he'll never see that version of me again.

 

He once queried that he wasn't good enough for me and we all have that fear deep down at one point or another. I felt the same way - that I wasn't exciting or accomplished enough. That said, I think I make great choices now and as hard as this was for me to admit defeat or tell friends and family - yes, this did not work out either and feel their nods of "poor ____" this is the right decision. I do deserve better, I deserve someone that wanted to make me a priority - not the most important, but considered me and made an effort to see me - not just his activities he books himself for every weekend. I deserve someone that communicates something substantive other than missing me.

 

30 days, hopefully I get to the point when I stop counting and am writing about the next great person - that has the same goals as I and wants a family life with me. I hope that it's sooner than later, but I'm prepared to accept this may not happen for me. Either way - it wasn't worth suffering anyone that is undecided about his life with me.

 

30, 30what?

[hausser]

So let me guess thias right, you initiated the break up, and now he hasnt contacted you are missing him? Kind of reverse NC?

[TheDoctor]

So let me guess thias right, you initiated the break up, and now he hasnt contacted you are missing him? Kind of reverse NC?

 

Im going through this right now, sounds like what you are going through as well OP. It's tough, everyday is a challenge but I promise you just let it play out.

[ChellyV]

i am on nc70 days which my ex just broke by emailing me and i do not plan to respond. it is not in the tone of getting back together but wishing me luck in finding a new love.

 

just stay focused in doing the NC for your own healing and not getting back to them. as days pass, you will realize a lot of things and begin to love yourselves again. we are all here to support you in tough days. healing will happen!

[hausser]

Man I do not understand why these people get in touch if it isnt to get back together, surely that must be going on, at even some subconscious level?

[myheadvsheart]

So let me guess thias right, you initiated the break up, and now he hasnt contacted you are missing him? Kind of reverse NC?

 

No, that is not right - he said "I don't want a LDR and he wanted to be a friend." He initiated it. Do I feel like he pulled back his affections before I prodded him about what he wanted from me? Yes.

[myheadvsheart]

Man I do not understand why these people get in touch if it isnt to get back together, surely that must be going on, at even some subconscious level?

 

Maybe, but I'm not going to torture myself wondering "what does this mean?" Just because he contacts me because he's bored or lonely doesn't mean he's ready to be in a relationship and make it work out. Sounds like in Chelly's case - he was just wishing her well in the future. Sometimes men contact us because they want their last words to you, to be positive or civil. Sometimes they don't want you to think they are the "bad guy."

 

In my situation - the last we talked about what he wanted, he said he wanted my friendship. So him contacting me to say he misses me, assumes he misses having someone to confide in. His communication is completely platonic. In the past he'd call me if he thought anything was wrong. So I know this is different. But just to assure myself that I am not questioning it to death "what does this mean - he contacts me but isn't doing anything to move toward me to reconcile drama" - I made it clear to him. I said I missed him too, but we're not talking about this unless he's willing to spend time with me for that to mean something. If he wanted to reconcile, that was his opening to make it clear he did want to spend time with me and work things out. He's not contacted me since.

 

So when someone breaks NC just to test the waters and yet they are still uncertain about you - it's a selfish move and it's not fair to those of us trying to move on to reconsider them, only to find out - no they still don't know but just wanted to say hi. It disrespects boundaries and says that their loneliness is more important that their uncertainty about you. You cannot wait on someone that is uncertain about you and then is arrogant enough to contact you, knowing he still isn't certain, but thinks it okay to stay in the picture until he works it out.

 

Until they say they want to make up - you cannot guess what someone feels subconsciously. Wanting to hook-up again isn't the same thing as wanted to make your relationship right. Wanting contact because you're lonely isn't my responsibility any more - when you make it clear you don't have time for me or want a relationship with me. Wanting to confide in me, but shutting me down when I do the same is not a friendship.

 

I could care less if he contacts me again. And no I did not initiate this breakup - he kept denying what was happening until he came out and finally told me he should have been more clear, that he didn't want an LDR and wanted to be a friend. Mistreating me - is what I mean by his making me put the issue on the table. I did not prompt him to break up with me. I just made it clear I wasn't going to be a casual friend, until the real woman he wants comes along.

 

So be careful when an ex contacts you. They are looking for a crutch for their lonliness, boredom, or in your case, hausser, want their property back, etc. unless they say they want to work things out and reconcile, the break in contact isn't anything to jump up about.

[myheadvsheart]

Thanks ChellyV... you too.

[dramallama]

30 days is nothing. Try 300 days before you are fully over an ex.

[myheadvsheart]

30 days is nothing. Try 300 days before you are fully over an ex.

Yeah I'm fully expecting not to have to count that many days...so I don't want to try for 300 before I feel "over" it. In my mind he is not worth that much energy - even if I'm having a tough time right now. Though I get what you're saying - it is a process. I'm doing the best I can

[myheadvsheart]

Im going through this right now, sounds like what you are going through as well OP. It's tough, everyday is a challenge but I promise you just let it play out.

 

Hausser misinterpreted my statements, but it's an endearing idiosyncrasy.

[dramallama]

I don't think you should put a time limit on NC. Especially not something so short as 30 days. You will just spend that time counting down the days, that is, if you are already broken up with someone.

[myheadvsheart]

I don't think you should put a time limit on NC. Especially not something so short as 30 days. You will just spend that time counting down the days, that is, if you are already broken up with someone.

 

Okay - I'm not putting a time limit on it - I'm not expecting to be over it in 30 days. Just writing where I'm a month later. That said, I've felt his alienation of affection slowly for a few months prior to breaking up. So I hope it's not going to take me 300 days to be over this. Making myself available to someone that wants relationship wants family is what my next focus is. As far as NC goes - I'll continue doing it.

[dramallama]

It takes different time for everyone. It comes in stages, so you will be a different person in one month, compared to the next month and so on.