She always wants to be alone

[Oasiswater]

My GF and I have been dating for four years. We just crossed our 4-year anniversary last week. We lived together for two years, and have been long-distance for the last two.

 

When the relationship started, we were together always. We were inseparable. We were always on the phone, always in touch, best friends really. We shared any and everything with each other, as we were friends for 11 months before beginning our relationship. Things were amazing for two years, until she decided that she didn't like living in my country, and moved back home. She dumped me shortly after, and then told me she made a mistake two months later. Things have been awry since then.

 

In the last two months, specifically, I've literally been asking her to spend time with me. I've had to say, "Please do you think we'll be able to speak this week?" She voluntarily picks up a lot of work, working 13 hour shifts sometimes. As she says, "money is REALLY important to me."

 

We haven't had a conversation in the last week. It's all been short text messages back and forth, going as few as 4 on Saturday. Last night I caught her on AIM and I tried initiating conversation with her, but everything was being answered so shortly. I wasn't getting anything out of her, and I was literally trying to pry conversation out of her by asking about work, job, and social life. It's been terribly upsetting for me. The realization that I'm forcing my best-friend/girlfriend to talk to me has driven me to tears. I woke up this morning hoping to start a new day with her, messaging her happily only to hear, "I'm really exhausted. I just want to be alone."

 

I've been begging for her attention for the last few weeks. She's finally not working, and available, and I was thinkign we could chat a little while I was at work ... but she says she wants to be alone. As you can imagine, this is pretty heartbreaking. When I said that I feel like I'm being neglected, she tells me that I need to understand that I can't always spend time with her. That she's really exhausted from work and wants to spend time alone. And that when she has time off of work, she's going to socialize because I'm not there, and she needs to make memories with her friends. But she's making all of these memories with her friends that she's known for two weeks, and absolutely none with me, who she's known for 5 years.

 

It really breaks my heart to think that this might be coming to an end. She loves the attention she gets from me, because I mail her letters, I write her sweet things all day even when I get no reply. I'll stay up for her at night just to catch her updating her facebook before she sleeps. None of which she'll do for me, but she enjoys it all. Like she's told me, "you make me feel so good." But I feel like I"m being unfair to myself in being in this relationship. I feel like an on-demand boyfriend. We planned this dream life together, and now... I really question, do I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, who won't even give me the time of day?

 

Is there any fixing this? What am I doing wrong?

[tresqua]

What you're doing wrong is the typical needy clingy begging thing that dumpees do, which pretty much eliminates any chance for a save because it's a real turn off to the partner who already has one foot out the door. She already dumped you and moved away, it was over for all practical reasons when she did that. All you can do at this point is back off and find other things to focus on. Sometimes when the dumper sees the dumpee losing interest they come around but usually it's for the wrong reasons and it doesn't work out anyway. No matter what you do, just quit it with the "I feel neglected" needy crap, that's the worst thing you can do, and it's just really lame.

[Oasiswater]

What you're doing wrong is the typical needy clingy begging thing that dumpees do, which pretty much eliminates any chance for a save because it's a real turn off to the partner who already has one foot out the door. She already dumped you and moved away, it was over for all practical reasons when she did that. All you can do at this point is back off and find other things to focus on. Sometimes when the dumper sees the dumpee losing interest they come around but usually it's for the wrong reasons and it doesn't work out anyway. No matter what you do, just quit it with the "I feel neglected" needy crap, that's the worst thing you can do, and it's just really lame.

 

It's not that I don't appreciate your response, because I do. But I don't think you understood the situation. There's no, "I feel neglected crap," and we're no longer playing the "dumper/dumpee" game. It's been over a year since the breakup. She's already come around, and we've re-solidified our relationship. This has been happening for the last few weeks. Yes, 11 months AFTER the reconciliation. Just because you read the words "Broke up," doesn't mean Im talking about a breakup. This is completely separate from the first break-up. I'm thinking about ending it this time because of my so called feeling "neglected crap." She's not treating me right, and I recognize it.

[Beth12]

Sounds like she's moved on from you. I had a relationship like that, where my guy was working all of the time and never had time for me no matter what I did. He lived over an hour away and I'd be willing to drive up and just have dinner with him and he'd say no, he didn't have the time. I decided to try and find someone who DID have the time for me. Because it is not unreasonable to meet up for dinner once a week!

 

When you're in a relationship you should be able to make time for the person you say that you love, especially if you don't see this person all that often to begin with.

[Andre12]

She may say / said she loves all that contact but that is waaay to much and unhealthy. Send her a text in a couple of days saying that you understand she needs some alone time if she is feeling stressed and that you will wait to hear back from her.

 

If she then texts you back soon after, dont text back just give it a couple of days and then start to focus on other aspects of your life and play it cool for a while. Have fun and be playful with any contact you have.

 

Go out so that when she asks what your up to - you can talk about where you have been etc.

 

Checking her fb page for updates is tbh very clingy and unhealthy.

 

Hope it works out.

[Oasiswater]

I don't actually check her FB, we're not friends on FB. I just wait up at night until she gets home, so I can catch her on AIM WHILE she's updating her facebook, because that's all she gets on her computer for.

[Andre12]

Still too much pal. Your always there waiting and its not healthy.

[Oasiswater]

Yeah, I know. I definitely feel like I'm watching my life pass me by while waiting for this girl, who's getting on with hers... and from the looks of it, doesn't plan on making me part of her future.

[Andre12]

Any girl is going to be more attracted to a guy who has his own life and interests, maybe less contact and not being there all the time will spark some interest on her part as to what you are up to and where you are. You have to maintain a little mystery and do other stuff, meet new people, take up a new sport or activity group.

 

You got to feel good about you and an individual for others to find you attractive.

[Oneironaut]

It really breaks my heart to think that this might be coming to an end. She loves the attention she gets from me, because I mail her letters, I write her sweet things all day even when I get no reply. I'll stay up for her at night just to catch her updating her facebook before she sleeps. None of which she'll do for me, but she enjoys it all. Like she's told me, "you make me feel so good." But I feel like I"m being unfair to myself in being in this relationship. I feel like an on-demand boyfriend. We planned this dream life together, and now... I really question, do I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, who won't even give me the time of day?

 

I have a couple of questions regarding the bolded parts.

 

The first would be, when was the last time she told you that you make her feel good? Recently, or a while back? Did she outright say that she likes all the sweet notes and messages? And does she EVER write back?

 

The second would be whether or not she used to do the same for you, but doesn't anymore.

 

I ask because I used to be the same way with my boyfriend, and he started acting the same way she's acting: Not replying, telling me he wanted to be left alone, and so forth. He broke up with me not too long after that, part of the reason being that I was clingy and smothering him with attention.

[Oasiswater]

The first would be, when was the last time she told you that you make her feel good? Recently, or a while back? Did she outright say that she likes all the sweet notes and messages? And does she EVER write back?

The second would be whether or not she used to do the same for you, but doesn't anymore.

 

Truly sorry for your loss, Oneironaut. As for your questions, the last time was.. About a week ago, when I told her, "Thank you so much for not letting our love succumb to its own weakness. You've shown me just how beautiful it can be. I love you so much." She writes back sometimes, but it's usually just "I love you." and that's it. She's never been very good with her words, but she used to at least try. One thing that's definitely come to a stop, was she always used to send me pictures of herself, or her lunch, or things around her, like work/her bedroom, new outfit, etc. That's all come to a screeching halt. The last time I received a picture from her was April 6th.

[banal]

OP correct me if I'm wrong: you don't see each other, because she lives in another country. You want to talk to her a few times during the week - an actual conversation, and not purposeless texts - and she cannot make time for it.

[Oasiswater]

OP correct me if I'm wrong: you don't see each other, because she lives in another country. You want to talk to her a few times during the week - an actual conversation, and not purposeless texts - and she cannot make time for it.

 

This is correct

[banal]

I really can't agree with anyone else in the thread suggesting that you're "smothering" her then. It is not unreasonable or needy or clingy or unhealthy to ask for your girlfriend to communicate with you, now and again, over the course of a week. What is unhealthy, though, is staying in this relationship, imo, because I suspect that she's already moved on from you and is out looking for someone else while you sit home waiting for her to say good night. If there's no possible way for you two to be together physically, and that this separation has to continue indefinitely, then I'd say it's time to move on.

[Oneironaut]

Truly sorry for your loss, Oneironaut. As for your questions, the last time was.. About a week ago, when I told her, "Thank you so much for not letting our love succumb to its own weakness. You've shown me just how beautiful it can be. I love you so much." She writes back sometimes, but it's usually just "I love you." and that's it. She's never been very good with her words, but she used to at least try. One thing that's definitely come to a stop, was she always used to send me pictures of herself, or her lunch, or things around her, like work/her bedroom, new outfit, etc. That's all come to a screeching halt. The last time I received a picture from her was April 6th.

 

Aww, thank you, but he did end up asking me back, 6.5 months later...but it was a real lesson in being too clingy, and I make sure I don't do it anymore.

 

Well, I definitely think you need to just have a frank discussion with her, and find out what is going on. I would ask her bluntly if she wants to be in the relationship anymore. If she says yes, then you might tell her that her actions speak a lot louder than words, and tell her some of the things you've said here, especially about the pictures coming to a screeching halt.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want, I don't always remember to check threads.

[Ms Darcy]

If she then texts you back soon after, dont text back just give it a couple of days and then start to focus on other aspects of your life and play it cool for a while. Have fun and be playful with any contact you have.

.

 

I think you might need to consider that your relationship ended when she dumped you. If I were you, I would severely cut down on contact. Not because you are needy, but because this is not really a relationship anymore and you should wean yourself away.

[Oasiswater]

I think you might need to consider that your relationship ended when she dumped you. If I were you, I would severely cut down on contact. Not because you are needy, but because this is not really a relationship anymore and you should wean yourself away.

 

I took this advice and I stopped initiating communication for a day or two, and she came running back to me, smothering me with attention. Suddenly she had so much time on her hands to dedicate to our relationship. I gave into it and went back to my old ways, and as predicted, so has she. It's really upsetting to have her tell me that she has no time to text me on a morning because she's rushing to work, yet she has time to write on her facebook about how happy she is to have her friends in her life, and that everyone else has abandoned her, but her friends are always there for her, and she loves them so much.

 

Put in a list of priorities, I think she places herself first, her friends second, her family after, and me last. I think I've been right all along, assuming that she doesn't want a relationship right now, but wants me around so that she can secure her future. So that she knows someone loves her, and will settle down with her when she's ready. I don't deserve to be chasing after someone, or living someone else's life. I think I need to get her out of my life, and start focusing on my own future and my own life.

 

Anyone have any input?

[banal]

I feel for you, really I do, because I suspect that I'm in the same place with my current girlfriend. Bottom of the priority list but not so far down that she feels it worth breaking up with me over. After all I'm still above buttered-toast and sleeping in on the weekends - er, wait, no, definitely not above sleeping in.

[Oasiswater]

I feel for you, really I do, because I suspect that I'm in the same place with my current girlfriend. Bottom of the priority list but not so far down that she feels it worth breaking up with me over. After all I'm still above buttered-toast and sleeping in on the weekends - er, wait, no, definitely not above sleeping in.

 

Takes a good man to see the light in something so grim. How are you handling it?

 

Tonight, I've just about had enough. I just wrote her an email telling her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't okay with standing in her shadows watching her live her life while I waited for her. It's been 6 months since she promised me we'd go through the Visa process and have me move to be with her. I've filled out all of the forms (including hers,) sent them to her and absolutely nothing's happened so far. I've been practically dormant, waiting for this woman to let me know it's okay to be alive and start making a life with her.

 

I don't deserve it, and I won't do it. I understand being in that position, and having an attentive, loving girlfriend who was too busy to get the Visa process started right now... but I have one who doesn't give two * * * * s about me, rather sleep at a friends house and party than talk to me, AND hasn't done anything regarding us being together. Trifecta, anyone?

[banal]

I'm dealing with it as it comes. If it gets worse, or doesn't get any better, I'll probably just end it, because we've already talked about this problem and she has admitted that she needs to do more for me and for our relationship. We'll see.

 

Stay strong with your decision. You know what will happen if she begs you to "come back" and you do - it'll all go right back to the way it's been. You definitely deserve someone who WANTS to see you. We all do. Well, most of us, anyway!

[Oasiswater]

Well good luck to you man. I'm posting from work because I feel awful. I can't stop thinking about it. I know I need to let go but I feel like some part of me is gone.

 

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this. I feel like I'm going to vomit. This is awful.

[MarmiteCrumpet]

Well good luck to you man. I'm posting from work because I feel awful. I can't stop thinking about it. I know I need to let go but I feel like some part of me is gone.

 

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this. I feel like I'm going to vomit. This is awful.

 

Keep strong Oasis. Thinking of you.