Rebounds: The Dichotomy of the Sexes

[endy]

Most people I know, including my friends, do rebound in some way. These people aren't bad, in fact, they're very nice and intelligent, but it is the RARE person who can stand to be alone after a breakup. Of course, the dumpee usually has no choice than to be alone. The dumper, I feel, has more to prove to themselves -- they rebound or get into another relationship because affirms their decision, and prevents them from second-guessing themselves.

 

Now, to the gender discussion: I actually think, loosely, that men make more rash decisions without thinking them through. Most of my girlfriends think long and hard about breaking up with someone (we are talking months) before they do it.

 

 

There's still a reason that rebounds rarely work out and it is by no means healthy IMO. Just because you're nice and intelligent does not mean that you are healthy mentally. The truth is everyone has issues, I have issues, I don't rebound. IF you use a rebound to get over the person then you have issues. You have no right IMO to drag someone else and all of your baggage that you haven't gotten over into another relationship. I'm sorry but breakups happen to everyone, you need to get over it and move on. Don't drag all your crap onto someone else to get over someone. With that said I think you are probably right about the dumper actually proving to themselves why they made a decision. It logically justifies it to some people.

 

I also tend to agree in most cases with your last paragraph, but again some men do think things through first. For the majority of the population IMO what you said is probably correct.

[Awe]

Well my opinion on it is this. When your ex leaves you for another guy, they won't immediately be comparing you and the new guy. I believe that the infatuation, and happiness at the start of a relationship takes up too much mental energy. At some point however the "shine" wears off, the infatuation is significantly less, and the comparisons begin.

 

For instance, say after 4 or 5 months, the relationship with the new guy turns out be quite similar to the relationship with you(in terms of day to day routine, no relationship is exactly the same, but fundamentally the purpose of them is). Except this new guy doesn't tell her she's beautiful, doesn't regularly surprise her, doesn't cater to her needs sexually, isn't affectionate, and doesnt do the sweet little things that you do like cooking for her, rubbing her feet, cuddling, massaging, so on and so forth, the list goes on.

 

Now the new guy may have a few cute things that he does, but in a lot of cases he will pale in comparison to you. Sometimes the new guy would have you beat in every category, but i highly highly doubt it, and the instance of this are few and far between. Chances are if she felt like she had to leave, but took the first thing that she could get, you will ultimately win out in the long run. There is so much possibility if you just chill out and let things happen.

 

Now unfortunately I'm talking about relationships that were generally "pretty damn good". Now i know your gonna say "if it was so good why'd she leave?" My answer is, because thats the way it is, reason is out the window. The term "You don't know what you have until its gone" is one of the most true cliches in existence.

 

I like to use this analogy, even though it may not apply to relationships, it applies to a thought process, say you drive a Porsche and you crash your car. it needs to be repaired, but in the mean time you need a rental. The rental company gives you a Dodge avenger. At first you think "well its nice to be able to drive something." but then after a while you cant wait until your car is fixed, because the dodge just isnt the car for you, at all. It's solid, it gets you everywhere you need to go, but it just doesnt compare to your Porsche, your Porsche has everything. it has all the extras that you expect from a car, and no Dodge could ever compare to it. Once you get your Porsche back you appreciate so much more than you did before.

[WeightOffChest]

I was the dumper and my ex rebounded. She's a girl and acted on emotion, but by no means is she irrational. I can accept that she rebounded, because I slept with someone else too.

 

I agree in a sense to what Awe was saying, but obviously it's painted in very general gender-role specifics.

 

People who want more opinions on this should read the reverse-psychology and rebound thread. There are some posts by Zorba that really hit the nail on the head for rebounds.

[WeightOffChest]

I'll just quote the post that sums this up

[faithful14]

I think this goes against the logic of what another man on ena said here about breakups:

 

"men are more likely to come back because they don't think through on their decisions due to their impulsivity, while it's rare for women to come back since they have a great support system and more likely to talk things out with their friends and make a final decision."

[TheBlackDahlia]

I think this goes against the logic of what another man on ena said here about breakups:

 

"men are more likely to come back because they don't think through on their decisions due to their impulsivity, while it's rare for women to come back since they have a great support system and more likely to talk things out with their friends and make a final decision."

 

Quite frankly, I think the gender differences are overstated. Breakups are a very emotional time for guys or girls. Every case is individual in that they have different dynamics to it. While some may be similar on the surface, they are not deep down. We generalize too much.

[faithful14]

I do agree, every situation/person is different.

[endy]

Quite frankly, I think the gender differences are overstated. Breakups are a very emotional time for guys or girls. Every case is individual in that they have different dynamics to it. While some may be similar on the surface, they are not deep down. We generalize too much.

 

I agree to this also, and guides like this on this site really bother me a bit. I don't want a guide to get someone back. I don't want to psychologically manipulate someone back. I understand that a certain amount of attraction has to be there and there's ways to go about improving it. I just believe in really growing and becoming a better person for YOU. Your relationships willl ultimately benefit from it no matter if it's with an ex or someone else. IF you really help yourself out the right person will come around, and the right things will come into place eventually.

[Tired Tiger]

...and guides like this on this site really bother me a bit.

 

That's why it's always good to have a generous grain of salt handy. Seems nine times out of ten, those who write how-to's (and the loudest self-proclaimed 'experts') have never actually gotten back together. That's not to say that there aren't good intentions - or that there isn't something useful here and there (even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while), but caveat emptor.

 

As for this thread - demographics, circumstances, and personalities factor into everything far more than the false dichotomy of broad generalizations.

[Awe]

Hom many guys on this site have begged and pleaded for their ex's to come back and it worked?

 

How many guys want to date a girl who psychologically is exactly the same as their closest male friend?

[ladyninja30]

love is not logical

 

this is true..you can't help who you fall for but it may not always be for the right reasons either.

[Tired Tiger]

Hom many guys on this site have begged and pleaded for their ex's to come back and it worked?

 

How many guys want to date a girl who psychologically is exactly the same as their closest male friend?

 

And?

 

Switch the genders in these question, and you'll get identical answers - and the same logical fallacy.

[90_hour_sleep]

And?

 

Switch the genders in these question, and you'll get identical answers - and the same logical fallacy.

 

are fallacies logical?

[Tired Tiger]

are fallacies logical?

 

They are when the herring is red.

[90_hour_sleep]

They are when the herring is red.

 

from one's own point of view you mean?

[Awe]

The fact is that the sexes ARE different, and its an even broader generalization to think that what works for a guy works exactly the same for a girl. We have different chromosomes, we are NOT the same. Mentally our brains operate differently and have different agendas. We have different brain structures, you can get new skills and try to "grow" your brain, but you can't change its basic function. Sure we all have emotions and logic, but we utilize them differently, and with different parts of the brain.

 

Guys are far less emotionally savvy then girls. So trying to enter their realm, and solve it like its math equation, will get you nowhere. There are some exceptions I'm sure, but this is not the rule. Guys are generally taller then girls, but some girls are 6'5", these are the exceptions, not the rule. "No contact" will work differently on each sex, and play to each sexes brain differently. It works, but it works for both in different ways, and for different reasons.

 

Demographics, personalities, circumstances is another term for Incompatibility. If a girl really truly felt in her heart that she was supposed to be with you, then she would walk through fire to make sure you stayed together.

[90_hour_sleep]

Demographics, personalities, circumstances is another term for Incompatibility. If a girl really truly felt in her heart that she was supposed to be with you, then she would walk through fire to make sure you stayed together.

 

i wouldn't walk through fire to stay with a woman. i might do it to save somone's life...but i'm not arrogant enough to believe that acting in the interest of staying with a woman would be considered saving her life. and really...i'd find it disturbing to witness a woman doing this for me...in a literal sense, and more importantly, in a figurative sense. it has zero appeal.

 

but then...i'm a guy. and maybe i'm just illustrating your point perfectly here.

[sada88]

If you are going to use the argument of "Mentally our brains operate differently and have different agendas. We have different brain structures...", that would be quite wrong. The human DNA is 99% the same for everyone but it is the 1% that is different and what makes everyone unique (and yes, I can prove this from any genetics textbook). Btw, I know a lot of females that are more logical than most men.

My ex used to complain all the time that I'm far too logical and not emotional enough but I'm like Endy. I show my love through my actions. Gone are the days where women are only seen as "emotional" creatures and do everything on a whim and men are seen as logical. Please stop the misogyny. Where is the evidence where you got your research? From "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars"? Because the author did not do any statistical research at all.