athena3 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Hi all, I'm posting to ask for everyone's opinions as to whether my ex is leaving me hints that he wants a future. We were together for 2 years, broken up once for 2 weeks, and another for a month. I know it already sounds unhealthy, but we stayed together because we both had a lot of love for each other. We had a lot of fun and amazing times together travelling, living together, and doing all the other coupley things, but we also had really bad fights. The relationship was rocky, partly because of the intermittent long distance, the high stress of his PhD and my Masters, and our personal issues (my insecurities, our communication skills). This last breakup happened about a month ago, and it was mostly because of a fight I started, but that he escalated. Although, tension was building up for months before. A week after we broke up, he was headiing to Japan for 5 months, and things are always stressful in the weeks leading up to him leaving. Anyway, this breakup was different than our last two break ups for several reasons...1)I broke up with him this time (in the past he broke up with me...this time i was fed up with him disrespecting me in arguments), 2)I am maintaining no contact with him, whereas in the past we continued talking (about our relationship) after the breakup. 3) It seems like we both finally realized that our on-off cycle has to come to an end. However, there are a few things that lead me to believe things are not 'forever' over for us. For one thing, he's always said, since the beginning, that I'm the girl he wants to be with in the future, but right now, his number one priority is his PhD. A week after our breakup, we had a conversation, and he maintained that I'm the one for him in the long run. However, he also told me that 'we can't keep doing this dance'...and told me 'to let go and move on'...but also said 'he still has a lot of love for me despite all the pain' and 'for the future, we need to learn to direct our love and passion better'. A few days after that conversation he flew to Japan, and the following day he emailed me telling me he arrived safely in Japan, and that I was truly a great girl. That email was sent 2.5 weeks ago, and since then we have no had any contact. Since the breakup a month ago, I've been getting emails from his family (mainly his brother and sister) regarding family events and pictures of travels...and I know for certain (based on their emails) that they have no idea that we are broken up still. I know my ex may not have told them because well, he's in Japan now, and may not want to deal with it, but a part of me also thinks he didn't tell them to keep the door open. The first time we broke up, he told his family right away...the second time we broke up, he never told his family. The second time, he also said that he always comes back to me because he feels so much for me. I don't really know what to think of it this time. I know right now, who we are, and our situations, just makes it impossible for us to be together, but a part of me does believe that if the circumstances were better, and if I worked on my personal issues, that we could have a really satisfying relationship. I guess I'm just trying to gather opinions on whether his behaviour is normal breakup behaviour...or if he's setting things up so that there could be a chance for us in the future....thanks! Link to comment
endy Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I don't think any of that really matters at this point. You are broken up, and you made that choice. I think what you really need to do is work on why you argued and your anger. Try reading reconciliation and anger by thich nhat hahn. Obviously both of you are intelligent. Give them both a read. Was this breakup not final for you? I don't think you need to direct your love and passion better at all. I think what you both need to do is learn how to take good care of your anger so you don't lash out at each other. A lot of people have this issue, I was one of them. It's not that hard to change. Please give those books a read. I think you and he both know that the breakup may not be final. I would make it final for the time being and just work on the above. Link to comment
athena3 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 You've got a great point, we both have anger issues, I tend to be passive aggressive, while my ex was directly aggressive. It's good to know that these behaviours can be modified relatively easily. I think the break up was final in the sense that who we are now, in these circumstances just doesn't work. I don't know if who we are in the future will be right for each other either...sigh! Link to comment
endy Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 You've got a great point, we both have anger issues, I tend to be passive aggressive, while my ex was directly aggressive. It's good to know that these behaviours can be modified relatively easily. I think the break up was final in the sense that who we are now, in these circumstances just doesn't work. I don't know if who we are in the future will be right for each other either...sigh! Don't worry about that right now. Look at it as final. That's probably the best thing to do. Read the books and work on yourself. I can promise you if you practice the things those books teach, you'll be a way better person down the line. He's a buddhist, but buddhism to me isn't really a religion, you can be a buddhist christian... It's just a way of living. Link to comment
KatAstrophy1607308539 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Your situation sounds so much like mine - multiple break-ups, passive aggressive [him, not me], PhD pressures [him], still loved each other very much. Difference being we'd only been together six months and he broke up with me. I know it's final this time because this break up has lasted longer and we've had no contact since the break up five weeks ago. Every situation is different though, so it may not be final for you. Let him cool off in Japan, you keep a low profile and see what happens. Chin up and don't think the worst. Link to comment
athena3 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 DN, I still want to be with him, we fit together in so many ways, and the ways in which we didn't, I was willing to work on...it's how I feel right now but it could change. But there's no way things could work now with the long distance anyway. All my friends tell me to move on, and maybe somewhere down the road, we may reunite, but don't count on it. I'm totally willing to work on my issues, I'm not sure he is though, since he's focussed on his PhD...so I know the odds may be against us, and it's a scary thought, to contemplate being over forever. That being said, I want to respond to his family 'just in case' there is a chance....I'm having a hard time figuring out what the 'right' thing is to do. Endy, thanks for the advice, I do like Buddhist teachings, I really like reading Dalai Lamas' teachings about compassion and kindness. I find it touches me on a spiritual level. There's still that fear though, that by the time I have improved as a person, the ship will have already sailed on our relationship...but I guess that this fear may subside over time. KatAstrophy, glad to have someone who empathizes and thanks for your encouragement! My ex works for an international collaboration, and recently won a prestigious national scholarship, so you can imagine the kind of stress that he faces. I know what you mean, this time, it's *different*...a far more final feeling than other times before. I almost hate that it's different this time, but I know that this is how it should be. I read a lot about how if they're too busy for you, then they obviously don't love you enough...but what is your viewpoint? Given that you see he loved you very much, but that his PhD was the priority in his life? Link to comment
KatAstrophy1607308539 Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Well, he was never too busy for me but his PhD was a pressure especially as we started dating toward the deadline for submission. We didn't do much together as a result, but we lived together so I did see him every day. He often told me he couldn't wait to submit so he would spend more quality time with me, but now he's submitted and he's not here. I didn't get to know him without it. There were other issues in the relationship so can't blame it's demise on the PhD, in fact that was never an issue for me! It seems you have higher chance of reconciliation than I have - besides, I don't think I'd take him back. Take it easy, give him time, stay in touch with his family although you may want to tell them you've split up - much as it may be comforting that he hasn't told them [my ex's mother knew he was going to dump me before he told me!!] That will let him know you've taken the split seriously enough to make it public, and that could be the jolt he needs. In the meantime, while he's away, take this time to improve yourself both emotionally and physically. When he returns, let him find a new you who's probably even moved on! If you've not moved on, then he'll hopefully see what he's missing. Link to comment
athena3 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 We started dating at the start of his PhD, so I've seen a really stark difference between who he is now and who he was before. He was so much more patient and attentive before, but after he snapped at anything that added to the stress in his life. Yeah...hehe we lived together too, and also didn't do very much together besides work. I think one of our big issues was his PhD, because it led to lack of quality time together, long distance about half a year of every year (spread out through the year!), and I really don't think he had much leftover to give after being spent on his work. The sad thing is he's got another 2-3 years of his PhD, and I get a feeling things won't work for us during his PhD unless I drastically change... Oh it's kind of complicated, a week after we broke up I told one of his friends we broke up, revealed some details and then basically said goodbye (I thought she knew because she's one of his closer friends)...my ex logged into my fb and saw that msg and got REALLY angry at me (I understand why...airing dirty laundry)...and then basically told me to not tell anyone, because he's still hurting and not ready to tell. I guess that's the way he works now that I think of it, he's a pretty private guy. I'll take your advice though, on improving physically/emotionally...I still am scared...him being in a diff. country for 5 months might make it a lot easier for him to forget about me Link to comment
KatAstrophy1607308539 Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 He won't forget you. Not after two years living together. If he does forget you after five months, then he wasn't worth it. Chin up, baby Link to comment
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