Just a small thing, but I feel so upset

[Silverbirch]

Hey, I know this will likely not make sense to people, and I will look like such a whinger. I got home this afternoon, and found that the ex had forwarded on mail to me. Put it all in a big envelope with his name and hand-printed his work address on the back. There was no note or anything. I know there wouldn't have to be, but I feel so upset and sad because it's like confirmation that he really, really has cut me out of his life.

 

When he had told me he wanted time out to think, he had said to me that whatever decision he made (everything was on his terms only), that I was still his best friend, and his words were "I want you to still figure prominently in my life."

 

Since he said that to me which was less than 3 months ago, I heard virtually nothing from him. He only contacted me to officially end it after he learnt that I had told his sister I realised it was over because he hadn't contacted me. Next night he rang me and said no such thing was true, then in the next sentence, got angry with me, telling me he had something to tell me, did I want to hear it now on the phone or in person. Of course, it was that the relationship was over.

 

I just never ever thought he would behave the way he has. He was so kind and loving to me in the first couple of years, and even though he became grumpy and difficult in the last year, I thought it was because of all the other problems in his life. In fact, on the day he said he wanted time apart, he said to me: "It's not because of you that I'm sad or unhappy, it's all these other things in my life." Then he makes another jump in conversation right after that saying that he wants a break and to think out if we are right for each other.

 

I feel a wreck. It's as though it isn't even just the fact that the relationship has ended, but the way that it has come about and how he has behaved since saying he wanted a break. I don't think I've ever felt so badly hurt in all my life. It's like I lost my best friend, the person I thought I was closest to as well, and even though I get glimpses at seeing what a cold person he has become - towards me anyway - I feel like my whole world has fallen apart in less than 3 months.

 

I'm sorry for carrying on this. I feel so distraught right now. Sometimes, I feel like I'm making progress and then I feel back at square one again. If I didn't have this site, sometimes I think I would be dead by now. Thanks for reading this if you've gotten this far.

[chitown9]

Silver, please consider this statement: if he could treat you like this, he is not the right one for you.

[Silverbirch]

Chitown, maybe I am drawing at straws, but recently, I have developed a thing about "The One". Last time I saw him he said I am not "The One" contrary to what he had previously told me. To me, there is not "The One", but that there could be many possibilities if people are prepared to try, work, compromise, share. I guess in that sense, I doubt my ex will be "The One" for anyone as he is atm, but I used to see such a different peson.

 

Chitown,do you think how he sent the mail is a bit odd or not really? To me, it seems like he is going out of his way to show that he will have as little as possible to do with me and he has cut me out of his life. Would you read it like this too?

[chitown9]

Yes, I would read it the same way. To h_ _ _ with him.

[Silverbirch]

I just keep thinking Why, Why, Why. Why is he being so mean, and how could he change so much.

[lucasky]

Sometimes your actions change towards the dumpee - they become cruel in a way - because the dumpee is not moving on and you don't know what to do. You feel a mix of sadness for the dumpee along with feelings of pity, disgust, and a desire to be forgotten. Its frustrating and sad when ex's can't move on - though I AM sympathetic to the healing process. In all my major relationships I've been the dumpee.

 

I can say this from my experience as the dumper though:

I don't know WHEN this happened, so I can't say that there is a magical time frame when this happens, but eventually the exs that I dumped and whom simply accepted my decision, I eventually started to wonder about. "I wonder what B is up to now. How's she doing? Gosh I miss her. You know, she was really an awesome girl and I maybe should not have let her go." It doesn't mean I call these exs. I've left each of them be on their own, because usually by the time I make these realizations, these exs have moved on. But what I can say is this deep sense of respect and well wishing goes out of these exs.

 

Exs that don't accept break ups, or ones that publicly take a long time to heal eventually start getting the could shoulder from their dumpers.

[TiredOfGames]

Hey Silver, sorry to hear of your setback. You are certainly not a whinger; this unexpected 'contact' (as it were) has naturally shocked your system.

 

It sounds like he was a bit of a coward all along. Then again, this sounds typical of many dumpers. He said he needed time to think, but then never really contacted you after that. His time to think was his easy way out and you didn't deserve to be let down like that. The same goes for the whole 'friends' thing; just his way of trying to appease himself. Him forwarding your mail onto you with nothing included certainly seems to confirm what he should have confirmed a long time ago. Receiving your mail out of the blue like this is like sudden contact-shock, one you couldn't have prepared for. I think your reaction is normal under the circumstances.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you as you seemed to be doing so well. Sending positive thoughts and {{{hugs}}} your way!

[twitchyfingers]

Ugh, I know that sick-to-your-stomach feeling of getting that impersonal mail bundle. I had an ex do that to me ages ago -- months after a messy breakup, no contact, I get a package containing a book of mine that had gotten mingled with his stuff when we parted ways. No note, just the book. I was gutted. It just felt so horrible and COLD. I remember my hands were shaking.

 

In terms of what your ex said about "The One," it could be that he is revising history to make himself feel better. Obviously, you two had something strong together. It's not all in your head.

 

It is so hard when the other person decides to just be unilateral and go off on their own to "think" and leave you in silence while you wait for their decision. Where's the discussion, the sorting through process between two people? Ugh, I've had that done to me and it was maddening. At least let's hash it out and argue...anything is better than that icy silence!

 

You are in a rough patch right now, but press onward. Three months is still a fresh wound, and there are going to be unexpected setbacks like the mail drop, but you are making progress. You're extending yourself by going out with the paddock guy (even if it is now just-friends), by joining the hiking group...all good stuff.

 

Sorry you had that jolt from the ex, but it's a temporary setback. Hang in there.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks everyone.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Lucasky, I haven't chased after him although I was upset and shocked at the time he asked for a so-called break. I've done my whingeing here on ENA, and only with my closest family and friends.

 

I suspect that one of the reasons he claimed he wanted to be friends was that at that time, he wanted to have me as a fall back, but obviously not as someone he geuinely loves and respects. I'm pretty sure he's out there trying to sow his middle aged wild oats before he has lost all of his hair which may not be that far away in time. Yes, I definitely will be getting on with it, and if I ever am with someone else, it will be a far better person. Maybe part of it is my ego too, because he was by no means a good looking guy although he did get more attractive while he was with me - ie he never wore a decent cologne until I bought hit for him, and he had no dress sense. He still doesn't have a great dress sense, but definitely better than it was. I'd say I definitely boosted his confidence. When my friends saw him for the first time, one of them, a young woman who I worked with, said, she was amazed that a woman as pretty as me would be attracted to someone with so little going for him physically, and also said to me that it made her feel icky to think of me physically being so petite and being with a large overweight man like him when she and her boyfriend thought I could have any man I might be interested in.

[TiredOfGames]

I suspect that one of the reasons he claimed he wanted to be friends was that at that time, he wanted to have me as a fall back, but obviously not as someone he geuinely loves and respects.

 

This is an interesting point and I hadn't thought about a dumper's needs for friendship in this way. But what you say is so true. I've sometimes thought that wanting to remain friends was meant as an alleviation of guilt, at least to some degree. I guess it could certainly be a combination of the two also.

 

Your ex sounds like he didn't appreciate just how fortunate and lucky he was to have you by his side! Well it's his loss and you deserve so much more. Only good things come to those who wait, and in time, and when you are ready, a good thing will come your way for sure.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks TOG. Well, I'm definitely in no hurry. Who would ever know his real motives for anything, except that more than likely it would be for some self-serving purpose.

[Bcom]

Keep your chin up silver! I know pain you felt! It's really not that small of a thing! I got my shirts back from a girl in the mail once and there was no note! My heart hurt a lot! But you know what? Thta just confirms why those people are ex's!!!!! Cause they are inconsiderate and not the kind of people to even miss! This way of thinking won't come till later but when it does it's like a blesssing! Take care silver!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Bcom and everyone. Even though I can see now what a cold and selfish person he is, it still hurts. I still haven't detached from him though I AM trying. I keep reminding myself of a previous relationship I had a couple of years ago, That partner developed bipolar. He was never the same. I stayed with him 2 years after the bipolar was diagnosed. Even though he had a supposed mental illness, the behaviour which came with it was really bad and he became a womaniser of the worst kind. I DID get over that, and at the risk of sounding cold myself, he means absolutely NOTHING to me. I told the last woman I caught him red-handed with that she could have him because I just didn't want him anymore - well that was actually a lie - but with NC and moving on with my life - after a while, I truly did NOT want him. And of course, you know what happened . . . he came back trying to get me back and telling anyone who would listen it was the biggest mistake of his life. He's with some other woman now, and my sentiments are "better her than me". I'm so glad he isn't in my life anymore - and he never will be - through my choice completely.