I think the lid has been closed...

[CrazyMiner]

Hi everyone,

 

As always with my threads, you can find the history of my story by following this link: - it outlines the last time I saw my ex GF when she came to the house to collect all of her belongings and what happened at the end of her turning up (see page 2 of the thread for the post-visit update).

 

I'll be honest, I'm really struggling at the moment. I was with my ex for 8 years, and around 2 and a half months ago she told me that she wanted to separate as she felt that our relationship had developed into more of a brother and sister style one and that she "loved me but was no longer IN love with me", but also as we had met at such a young age (me 15, her 14... we're now 23 and 22 respectively), she wanted to try being "young, free, and single" and to try dating other people as she hadn't had a chance since we met so young. I did all the begging for the first month etc but then left it there as basically she didn't want to hear it after a while. We tried meeting up as friends a few times and it seemed to work for the first 2 or 3 times, but when arranging the next meet-up (they were once per fortnight) she seemed reluctant to choose a day so I decided to send her a NC/LC letter as I could feel that perhaps I was putting more effort into them than she was. The letter was aimed more aimed at stopping the meets as we own a house together and do need contact to deal with that. Well I suppose that IS the back story if you're too much of a lazy bones to read my previous threads!

 

Anyway, after around 1 and a half months of us being separated I found out that she was dating someone. He lives nearly a 2 hour each way drive away and they had been on 1 date so far and they had met on eHarmony which is a dating website. It was upsetting but I wasn't too worried as hey, it was one date and she was doing exactly what she said she intended to do! Since then, I've heard through a mutual friend that they have been on 3 or 4 dates which has involved her once or twice staying over at his due to the drive and that they talk a lot over Skype and email, and that the emails are especially flirty, but more from his side. On top of this, I recently found out that he has invited her to stay at a hotel with him when he goes on a business trip and that she is thinking about it/has agreed, the worst part is that it is in my home town which is over a 3 hour drive each way from the city we now live in... what a kick in the teeth! The relationship with this guy appears to have developed really quickly, especially as they apparently started dating less than a month ago and he is now inviting her to a hotel on the other side of the country - that seems like more than dating to me!

 

Apparently this week she went on another date with someone else, so that does make me think that perhaps what she has going with the other guy above is not that signed, sealed, and delivered if you know what I mean... I was told all this by a mutual friend who lives near her and who she shares a lot with - I've now told him that I don't want these updates as all it is doing is hurting me more and more.

 

On Sunday just gone, she called me to check on some payments that were coming out of our joint account and whether she needed to contribute anything. We talked about that and then she told me that I should know, before anyone else told me, that she was dating. Stupidly, I came back with "I know" and this then turned into a 15 minute conversation on how I knew, who had told me etc. I didn't say who had told me as I felt that would be a mis-trust to her (the person who told me) and also due to the fact that I feel this friend thought we would get back together. I didn't tell her how much I knew, just that she had been on a few dates with someone in Sheffield.

 

That went on a bit, and then when I thought the conversation was ending I said that "if you're ever short of a date, you know where I am". I know that was a stupid thing to say, but since we broke up she has said several times by facebook message, email and over the phone that after the dust had settled and we had become new people rather than the ones we were before (with time lines of between 3 - 12 months thrown about), we could potentially look at a re-run when we had both healed enough. So thinking with my heart rather than my head, I asked her whether this still stood, potentially and with no guarantees, and whether it had ever been meant. She said it had, and that she had hoped that we could "look at something after we had both worked on ourselves", however she now felt that there was too much water under the bridge (as in history I think) and that her feelings hadn't changed since we separated. I asked her if there was any reason for this, and she basically said that to help her operate and basically function since we had separated she had told all her family and friends to not bring up the past 8 years, not to discuss our past holidays, or things that we had done etc, and had basically treated our 8 year relationship as if it had never existed. So, she has just not thought about the past as much as possible. This hurts a lot - what she is basically saying here is that she hasn't dealt with her emotions of our relationship or the hurt of the separation whereas I have been. Surely this isn't healthy and will just come up at some point down the road for her? The other thing that frustrates me is that she said so, so many times about potentially looking at a re-run after we had healed from the separation etc, but as she has apparently not dealt with her own emotions properly it almost feels like she has stopped herself from allowing that to be a possibility or not worked on her feelings enough for it to be a possibility. I know nothing is ever guaranteed, people change their feelings etc. She said that she wasn't discounting anything, but not to wait around for her. I told her I wasn't, that I was moving on and working on myself, and that I was seeing a therapist to work on issues that both she and I commented on during the relationship. She was a bit surprised that I was seeing a therapist to work on things.

 

The other thing that came out of the call was that she wasn't sure that we could ever be friends. If I'm honest, this stung the most. How can someone just switch like that? After an 8 year relationship where we basically grew up together and only 2 and a half months after the separation she is now basically saying she doesn't think that she can even be friendly with me... it was only a year ago that she was talking baby names with my mum! Towards the end of the call I came out with a pathetic thing... I told her to enjoy dating and to have lots of sex - she giggled a bit at that by why the hell did I say it? She had started to get a bit upset on the phone and I hate hearing her like that so I pulled out the Mr Nice Guy card. Why? That hasn't worked for me, what a stupid thing to say!

 

I do hate all this. I'm getting out, joined a few socialising groups as we had a lot of mutual friends who seem to have sided with her more than me... I'm meeting with a personal trainer today to discuss working on myself etc. But all I can come back to is how much I miss her. After she collected her stuff from the house I was feeling much better than I thought I would. I helped her pack her stuff and we spent about 2 - 3 hours doing it, chatting away and just enjoying the time. When she was leaving she hugged me several times and even started to cry a bit on my shoulder and I gave her a peck on the cheek. I think I read into that more than I should have, it was the first time that I had seen her lower her barriers and be emotional since we had separated. Then when I said about dating etc on the phone I suppose I was expecting a different response than what I got. The few friends I have left and my mum commented on how well I was moving on. But this isn't true at all, after hearing that from her on the phone I almost feel like I am back to stage 1, dreaming of her a bit again and her being the first thing I think of in the morning. I've even started to shed a few tears as I write this last bit

 

Sorry for the rant guys. She just meant and indeed means so much to me. Hearing that she is going off to hotels etc hurts, but the potential now for her to NOT want to try dating again or even be friends is the worst. I have 8 years of memories with her, my childhood and hers and then moving into adulthood together, every memory I have involves her and every conversation I have with others now is always things like "yea, we did that with our house" where I'm talking with 'we' and 'our' all the time, and then I remember the next second that 'we' and 'our' no longer apply.

 

Does anyone else have experience of this sort of situation, potentially where an ex partner is not dealing with her emotions and this is stopping a reconcilliation?

[Edmund Exley]

She isnt dealing with her emotions and thats why she is not coming back is a common denial phase heard often here. Ive yet to see it be true.

 

Her dating a few guys says nothing for her her being confused. Its a sign that she has been truthful with you in that she doesnt want to be committed, she wants to date and experience meeting new people.

[Edmund Exley]

Also, you would be best served not trying to obtain info from friends. It wont help you move on, and its seldom accurate in that its usually spun to save your feelings.

[CrazyMiner]

She isnt dealing with her emotions and thats why she is not coming back is a common denial phase heard often here. Ive yet to see it be true.

 

Her dating a few guys says nothing for her her being confused. Its a sign that she has been truthful with you in that she doesnt want to be committed, she wants to date and experience meeting new people.

 

Hi Edmund - thanks for reading my lengthy rant! I'm not sure it is so much of a denial phase for me, it's simply what she told me over the phone, pretty much word for word as it is above "she basically said that to help her operate and basically function since we had separated she had told all her family and friends to not bring up the past 8 years, not to discuss our past holidays, or things that we had done etc, and had basically treated our 8 year relationship as if it had never existed. So, she has just not thought about the past as much as possible".

 

But I do get your point. Perhaps it is also a bit of denial from my side, but I can only go by what she said. She seemed open and honest when we were discussing all this, and were probably on the phone for about 45 minutes in total.

 

As for not obtaining info from friends, it was only one person doing it and as above I've asked them to stop. It wasn't helping and was just hurting me. However, the friend who told me is pretty close to her and he doesn't mince his words so what he told me, seeing as he offered the information rather than me asking for it, is likely to be pretty accurate in this case.

[Edmund Exley]

Her telling her friends ans family not to bring up the relationship is sorta a form of No Contact. She doesnt want to be constantly reminded of the past, shes moving forward.

 

I know her words are making you feel she maybe holding on to one little bit, but generally when people start dating multiple people they are pretty comfortable being single.

[LCA1986]

Hey CrazyMiner,

 

It sounds like she is really trying to move forward on her own way. My take on her saying that she is not sure if you two could ever be friends mean that she still has some sort of feelings for you, but she is definitely trying to deal with them. 8 years is a long time to be with someone.

 

I am glad you have stopped getting information from your mutual friend, it won't do you any good.

 

Good luck!

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks for the replies both!

 

Edmund - I think that is exactly what she was after, no-one bringing things up so she could ensure that she was able to move on. Her mum actually told me that she was in two minds about coming back but was unsure whether it was the right choice for herself, at least right now. I get on very well with her mum, I pretty much grew up with her and she always referred to me as her son-in-law in a tongue in cheek way. In terms of her dating, she said right from the start that she wanted to do this so it comes as no surprise, if just a bit upsetting obviously.

 

LCA1986 - I know she still has some feelings for me, and I think the reason she has acted a bit cold but then cried and hugged me multiple times when we were packing up the last of her stuff is because she is trying to deal with them. She has obviously made up her mind, but I suppose everyone still has those emotions and thinks "what if/have I done the right thing" etc, even if they know that they have done the right thing, at least for them.

 

Does anyone else have any other takes or views on the above? Sorry it's so long, but it does help to just get it all out!

[iBroken]

"she basically said that to help her operate and basically function since we had separated she had told all her family and friends to not bring up the past 8 years, not to discuss our past holidays, or things that we had done etc, and had basically treated our 8 year relationship as if it had never existed. So, she has just not thought about the past as much as possible".

 

She is doing exactly what you are doing with your "mutual friend". Dont talk about it or her.

 

Everyone deals with things in their own way. She wont forget the history, she is just asking that it not be discussed.....