Different mindset now making things harder

[SadAndy]

Firstly thanks for all of your previous replies, I know it seems like I keep asking the same question but I do note and think about each and every comment left so thank you so much.

 

A brief history if needed, with gf for 14 years and one amazing little girl together. She cheated for 5 years with an ex mate and then dumped me for a work colleague. He lasted about 4 months before getting dumped (there's a justice!) Because he wasn't me. Anyway, I'm back with her and she is in a very bad place, wracked with guilt about it all, genuinely wracked with guilt. He lays the guilt trip on her and is ultra clingy, texting 20 odd times a day despite working in the same place as her.

He keeps on at her to meet up 'for an hour or so for a coffee' and I have a real problem with this. Part of me is angry at his selfishness and part of me is angry at her for not making tough decisions and sorting this out rather than sticking her head in the sand thinking it'll all go away.

My mindset is totally different now and I am no longer willing to tollerate being second best even though she assures me she simply wants to keep everyone happy and not cause anymore pain.

Am I being unreasonable in objecting to them meeting up? The problem is that I reach the end of everyday absolutelt shattered mentally and know that this must stop.

How do I play this as if I give her an ultimatom she wil choose me but if she wants to stay in contact with him, and she does as she says she owes him that much, she will probablly regardless and then resent me for it.

Tough one, I do love her and do believe that she has learnt her lesson but a large part of me is so angry at everything she has done and iit still feels that it is all on her terms.

[threestars]

The first time me and my ex brokeup, it was for 4 months. During that time she started seeing someone, she ended up contacting me and wanting to get back together...which we ended up doing. I wasn't really aware of how involved she was with this person until after the fact, she put off telling him they were done for almost a week. I asked her daily if she had done it yet, until finally putting my foot down and saying if you don't tell him I will. At that point she was just responding to his text messages asking why she wasn't wanting to hangout etc. I really saw no reason as to why she should keep contact with him, I think she felt bad and wasn't sure how to handle it, which sounds similar to your current GF. I would imagine that since she works with this person she wants to make sure things don't get ugly with the fling as that will just complicate her working situation even more so. Best of luck, it's like a dagger to the heart when the person you love and supposedly loves you too is out shacking up with someone, and then tries to pretend it was meaningless etc.

[SadAndy]

That is exactly the problem I'm having though. What is the difference between wanting to keep everything sweet and being cowardly? It also feels like she is willing to make me unhappy instead of him. The question is how much is enough? Is the problem with me or her though.

[pl3asehelp]

She doesn't own him anything. Your feelings should be her priority and she should cut all ties. Give her the ultimatum. Nif she resents you for it, well she's just wrong and not fit to be in a monogamous relationship. Don't doubt yourself here, you are 100% in the right here. She needs to clean up her mess,'not avoid it because it's difficult or makes her uncomfortable. She should be bending over backwards to repair the damage she has done to your relationship. You should be the priority and this guy should disappear. If it causes her problems at work, then she needs to find a new job.

[threestars]

yea agreed, i was basically trying to say that by explaining my experience. If you don't put your foot down you might be dealing with a whole new can of worms in regards to her. The work situation really complicates things, but she dug her own grave in that regard, whats with people getting involved with people at work? I know it's difficult to meet new people etc and co-workers likely have common interests, but still, unless things go perfectly the ending willl likely be horrific.

[apple89]

can i ask you something.. how come you guys have a little girl and been dating for 14 years yet again your not married??. i don't know your situation, but doesn't that ring a bell?.. if you guys are for one another meant to be and really love each other, wouldn't you guys be married by now? and obviously she wouldn't cheat on you.. i don't know, i feel like if someone cheats on me having a kid and being with me for so long.. it means the relationship is broken and it just got to that end.. i know its hard and i don't want to sound * * * * * y, but i would just end it there period, NC except to talk about your daughter, and seriously "i love you but i love myself more" would apply, if she cheated now what guarantees she wont do it again..

 

returning to a broken relationship is worse then being hard broken.

[SadAndy]

The irony of the fact that we're not married is that we both agreed early on that a piece of paper doesn't change anything. In hindsight, if I had my time again I would have got married but this affairs nonsense all seemed a million miles away and something that would never happen.

The thing that started the rot was my ex mate who played on my g/f insecurities. I accept though that after that, she was as guilty as anyone but she has learnt her lesson and then some.

It just comes down to the carnage that she has caused and what she does to make it right again I guess.

[TheJerseyKid]

At first I thought you meant her EX.... not your former friend. Wow that guy's a d-ck for getting involved with a relationship of that history and length with a child involved. Personally I'd never take someone back after that, but if you can, all the more power to you. But yes, she must cut all ties 100%, she owes him nothing if she has decided to be with you.