And all of a sudden... he's gone...

[Voila]

Hello everyone, it is my first time on a forum... and my first time creating a thread. I hope not to make this too long... I just need some honest friendly input, to help me get past this hard moment.

I recently went through a divorce (over 8 months ago)... I came out of a very abusive relationship. As I was spending a lot of time at home, being lonely and bored, I signed up to a gaming site... I soon met someone from another country, we started just by playing against each other, but I realized where he was from... I happen to be learning his language at the moment, and so I commented that I liked his country. We hit it from there... He was always very sweet, a gentleman. He soon admitted that he liked talking to me.

 

We would send each other a short message once a day, but within a few weeks it escaladed, and finally we asked each other's real names. I gave him my e-mail address (as a way for him to add me to his contacts on the gaming site), but that same day, he sent me an e-mail just making small talk. He was so sweet. I saved his e-mail, and we started e-mailing each other with more personal questions... like where he and I lived, and such. I asked him if he had a relationship, and he said he was divorced, and no children, and was 33 yrs old. I am very mentally attracted to men in their 30's, and as I am divorced with no children myself, I told him that about me. He was so charming and funny, and we started to hobbies, etc....

 

He was soon going to be moving to a different city, and would be without internet for sometime, so we decided to connect through messenger with our iphones, (chatting back and forth instead of sending each other looong e-mails from his PC). We realized we had some similar taste in movies as well, and we even watched movies 'together'. We chatted for hours, and when he didn't have to work the next day, 5, 6 or so hours just weren't enough. He would stay up late talking to me, going through the whole night without caring of sleeping. I asked him many times if this was okay, and that I didn't want to cause him any trouble. I asked him to tell me if this was too much for him, and he would always say that it wasn't. He would stay up without me asking him. All the time I would just sign on, and he'd be there, waiting for me! I would ask him what he was doing and he'd say that he just wanted to chat.

 

We were always good friends. We started talking about family and our plans for the near future... his and mine. Soon enough he asked me if I could visit, but I could not, so I asked him if he could visit me. He didn't hesitate and within seconds he said he'd love to!! We constantly spoke about the moment we'd hold each other and see each other's smiles... look in each other's eyes... I didn't want to show I was eager for him, so I didn't ask for a personal address or a phone number. I figured I could wait a few more months. After all, he seemed to be into me as much as I was into him. Calling me some of the most wonderful things I had ever heard in my life. Telling me how he'd treat me (as opposed to my ex husband), and I telling him how I would treat him (as opposed to his ex wife)... and he would tell me that he would do everything possible to make me so happy.

 

Sooner than I thought, we told each other we had feelings for each other (Although I think that is understated). He told me that he had told his parents about me, he was encouraged to make the trip soon to come and meet me in the States. I told two of my sisters about him and my best friend. I was delighted. He is smart, well educated, financially very stable, generous, poetic, charming, funny, caring, honest (or so I thought), and so much more. He told me constantly that he needed me, and I told him the same thing.

 

We NEVER spoke about sex or anything along those lines. He was ALWAYS very respectful and talked to me with so much respect. I cannot say that I fell in-love with him, but I was heading in that direction FAST. He told me that his parents and I were the most important people in his life, and that everything else revolved around that, that I had already changed his life, and that I was the woman he had always dreamed of having by his side. 2 1/2 weeks ago I spoke with him like I always did... We said good night... The next day when I woke up I checked my messages (as I always did, and always had one from him) but I didn't have any. I waited all that Saturday and Sunday. This had never happened. Since we started talking not a single day had passed since we didn't send each other at least one short tiny message. It is now 2 and 1/2 weeks and I still have not heard from him. I have sent him 2 e-mails, just telling him to please let me know if he is okay, and if he would rather not talk anymore. That I didn't want an explanation, that I just needed to know from him that he didn't want to talk... I still have not heard.

I was honest with him and I felt he was genuinly honest with me... I have been very depressed lately, and at times I get angry thinking I was so naive. But when I go through our messages I think honestly that he would be incapable of doing such a mean thing on purpose. I would like some input and advice... I just want to know if everyone thinks I should give up, or if I should keep waiting to hear from him. I don't want to downgrade myself, and I certainly don't want to bother him, but for how long should I wait? I don't want to let that go after my experience with my ex-husband. I feel so sad without him... he was becoming such a big part of my life. Please let me know what you think... I appreciate any positive advise.

[somethngwrng]

Going from messaging each other each and every single day to not receiving a message for 2 1/2 weeks is not a positive sign. You should not emotionally invest in this. I have had a similar relationship to the one you were talking about, a few years back. Staying up very late and chatting to each other on Skype/Webcam. She always seemed completely in love with me. The way she cut it off with me in the end, sounds exactly as you have written here. The girl had found a partner in real life and our plans were destroyed. I felt as if I had been cheated on, after we had an emotionally (and "physically") monogamous relationship for the entire year we were "together".

 

We very rarely talked after that (I still talk to her every now and then, and it depresses me). She faded over the years although we made attempts to reignite the spark and visit each other. None of it ever lasted more than a couple of weeks before she disappeared again. I suspect she was being more of a realist about the relationship than I was... it would have been extremely difficult for either of us to give up our lives and move just for the other.

[Voila]

Thank you for your input somethngwrng. I wanted to ask you though, the girl that you had this similar issue with... she did come back to tell you what had happened though? See, I would understand if he had somehow acted distant. But he never did. I never thought he'd just disappear. I never acted clingy... most of the time I replied to his messages, not vice versa. As far as what you say, about being realistic about one or the other eventually moving... well, he was the one that always said distance wasn't an issue for him... he was well off financially to travel whenever I wanted, practically. And moving? I would have done it... lol... how pathetic am I... well, I only say that because I was thinking he was genuine.

But you could be totally right... It may not be worth waiting any amount of time for him. But tell me... she did eventually come back to tell you what had happened?

[dramallama]

Voila... something similar happened to me too. I fell in love with someone from a mutual interest forum. We would chat almost every day (most initiated by me) and occasionally voice chat. After a few months I fell for him... hard. He offered to video chat so that I could see him play a musical instrument, and that just sealed the deal for me. I'm quite specific in what I'm attracted to physically, and so after that it was all over because he was so good-looking to me. We would talk about almost everything. We were both intelligent people so could talk for hours. Plus he was having a hard time with mental/personal issues so I would play counsellor. After almost a year of chatting, in a voice chat one time I admitted that I had a crush on him. But he basically didn't feel the same way, so we/I settled for being friends. A few months later it was killing me because I wanted to be committed to him and vice versa.

 

So I basically gave him an ultimatum to either be with me or I would have to leave. And let me tell you, the pain was excruciating. I didn't want to let him go, but I knew that I needed to because I was going insane staying friends, wondering why his ex girlfriend got the chance to be with him in person, but I hadn't even been given a chance (and it does still bother me somewhat). I know how intense online relationships can be, and unless you've been in one, you probably wouldn't understand just how much pain they can cause when they come crashing down. I suppose in my case it wasn't so much because it was online, but because I had to go NC from someone that I loved as a person, and was also in love with, and knowing that he was online every day made things difficult because the decision was put on me and I convinced myself that I could just bear the pain, as long as it meant still being in contact with him.

 

I talked him into asking me to be his girlfriend (not a good sign). He never sent me messages of his own, and was very cold. Until one day, four months later, after a pretty usuall chat session, I hadn't heard from him for almost a week. So I caved in and sent him a message letting him know that I missed him. No response. Then I asked whether he would like to voice chat at a specific time. No response. Then I sent another message pleading with him to let me know what was happening. No response. I thought that perhaps he had gotten into some personal issues at home (he lived in the US), but I knew that there were several ways to contact me, plus I had seen him online on the forum and he didn't bother sending me a message there. This was all happening as I was working two jobs so that *I* could fly over to visit him, by the way.

 

So deep down I knew that he didn't have the guts to tell me that it was over. After all I'd done for him, and how much I cared for him, and he supposedly cared for me, he still didn't have the decency to send a "goodbye and goodluck" letter, to at least keep me from worrying. So after one month I sent him a message ending things and wishing HIM luck, because despite what he did to me I still cared for him, and wanted to be the bigger person, even if he lacked the maturity to end it in a nice way. Then I deleted him from facebook, which caused a mixture of sadness and relief because it was all over and I was out of limbo.

 

It's easy to get wrapped up in online relationships, and the downside is that if you are unlucky enough to meet a spineless person online, due to the nature of the internet, once they don't want to be with you, they can disappear without a trace. My advice would be to stop emailing him, but if you would like to end it like I did (which will stop you from being in limbo) you can feel free to do that. I don't regret doing so because I left with dignity, unlike my ex. Uninstall all chat programs so that you aren't tempted to log online and wait for him. And delete him from facebook then change your settings to super private. If he does come online and wants to talk to you, he WILL do so. Then if you feel that he has a good explanation for going AWOL, then you re-add him back.

 

But I don't think you'll hear from him again. My ex bailed on me just as I was about to purchase tickets for an event that we both wanted to attend in the US, so his silence was a way of saying that he didn't want to go ahead with the plans that we'd organised anymore. Cold feet, I guess. Just thank your lucky stars that you didn't book the tickets or send him money or lose anymore time on someone that can disappear without letting you know (because 2.5 weeks is a long time on the Internet, and I bet he's been online within that time). Grieve this relationship like you would any other relationship. I was in love with my ex for 1.5 years so it's taken a while to get over.

 

You can click on my profile and read my started threads to read what I was going through at the time.

[dramallama]

Oh, and I dumped his ass just over a year ago and I have not heard a peep from him since. He could be in a mental institution, dead or online every day and I wouldn't know. But I hope that he looks back and realises just how much of a catch I was and how he let me get away.

[Shnoodle]

I had a scenario similar a long time ago, I demanded answers... when really I already had my answer: if something bad happened to him, I'd hear about it from his family eventually; in reality, he was just being a coward. I now regret pushing for an explanation in that incident, it was just wasting more of my time. Learn from my fail.

 

Either way, it's best to look at this relationship as over. If he's hiding from you like a weany, don't bother! If something horrible happened to him, it's not like he could reply.

[Oneironaut]

Honestly, it's hard to say what really happened with him. It's odd, even online, for someone to go from sounding that devoted to just vanishing without a trace. Usually there are indications that they just aren't as into you as you are into them, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

 

At this point, as others have said, I guess you really have no choice other than to let the relationship go, as difficult as that may be.

 

But please don't let this sour you on meeting someone online. The Internet has opened up possibilities for finding true love that were never accessible before. I'm not one to ever disparage anyone's method of finding romance, and frankly, this sort of thing can easily happen in person, as well...and does every single day, all over the world.

 

Good luck to you.

[Voila]

dramallama: I am sorry that you were in a relationship for such a long time... thankfully mine only lasted a few months. I still feel wretched, but I do pride myself in saying that I haven't sent him e-mail after e-mail or message after message. I cannot even imagine what you went through. What you felt. You are right... online relationships are very intense... every feeling is multiplied by a thousand... lol... or so it feels like. For now, I honestly don't have the courage to send him an e-mailing and cut it off like you did... I'm not brave enough yet. lol But I will not send him another e-mail either... so help me God. I posted on this forum to get some advice and I will follow through, and accept the advice I am given!

 

I will read follow your threads to read your story. Thank you dramallama for your input.

[somethngwrng]

Yes, if I recall correctly she disappeared for about 2-3 weeks and came back to explain. She was very cold and personally I think she was disrespectful in telling me intimate details of how she was falling in love with someone... even intimate details of them having sex. It completely broke my heart but I still wasn't ready to let her go.

 

I can't remember how much later it was, but she began to call and SMS some period of time later, telling me she'd made a mistake and her new guy could never treat her like I could. In a way, we briefly made up and said all our original plans would continue. I didn't think it would hurt the relationship so much since we had never actually met in real life and meeting would be a fresh start. A week or so later she had a positive pregnancy test. Again, she disappeared. I know this was not a lie she made up to give me closure, because I saw her pregnant belly on webcam months later.

 

Without boring you with details, I never really gave up on her. Years have passed and contact between us has diminished. In the beginning of the end, we would have short periods of showing each other that we still loved each other, maybe for a week or two every couple of months. In 2010 that was maybe once every 6 months. Each time she will act extremely loving, I will remind her that I still want to meet her and that I now have the means. She will talk to me for a couple of weeks, webcam and SMS, then suddenly disappear one day with no warning.

 

I have finally given up on ever being able to "get through" to her, and accept that she has no intention of ever making anything between us work. I saw her on Skype about a month ago (after maybe 6 months of silence), and her opening line was to link me "Iris - Goo Goo Dolls" on YouTube (which was our song). I did not respond. She changed her status to "Don't play if you can't win" and logged out.

 

One thing I don't need in my life.

 

For what it's worth, she's the reason I signed up to this site.

[vivia12]

Amazing,somethingwrong and Drama Llama's story hits so close to home

I dont want to rehash the story of mine since I retold it a gazillion times,however I do understand exactly how it is to feel hooked on someone you have never met.

Just like somethingwrong,mine just strings me along,cut contact for 6 months and 4 months the year before for no reason just to cal the shots. Plus he has a gf,which not only makes rubs salt on the wound knowing she's the reason he's acting this way. Funny thing is he said our friendship means alot to him. He sure has a funny way of showing it.

 

I havent heard from him going on two weeks,after we set a date and time for us to chat,(he lives in another country) and no call,no nothing. This has been going on for 4 years!! So imagine you getting caught up with that Viola,him stringing you along. Sad to say he showed you his true nature.

So now I myself am seriously contemplating to finally heed everyone's advice just cut him off,why prolong and prolong the same old BS,where I wait online or by the phone hoping to hear from him meanwhile he doesnt give me a second thought.

 

I have to say,reading all your stories,really makes me realize we ALL go thru this and Viola,mark my words go NC,dont contact him.

do it for yourself,you may hear from him once time has passed and he thinks you have forgotten him,why? BC you've gone NC!

[Voila]

somethngwrng: I am sorry to hear that she dragged you out for so long. That must have been very difficult. At least you have now shown enough strength by cutting the strings she was pulling on, and you are doing much better (I read your started threads)

 

Vivia12: I am sorry to hear about your story also. I wish these people we tend to fall for were brave enough to just face us with the truth/reality. No... I can't even imagine him stringing me along for years... not even months. After this dissapearance from him, now 3 weeks, there could never be a rational explanation from him, especially since I know that he works in an office with computer access, and by now, he should have internet access at home as well. The only thing that makes me wonder, is the fact that he never signed back on to the gaming website... and I have never seen him signed on to his e-mail either. I guess he could just be blocking that view. Even if he showed up now, and I would love for him to do so... I think it would just be wonderful for me so that I could have some closure, to know that he is okay. I just hate not knowing if he is okay. We never even had a single argument. It has been EXTREMELY hard, but I have not sent him any more e-mails or messages. And you are right, I shouldn't. The only way I have been able to cope is by not looking at all his previous e-mails and messages... because when I do read them, I literaly fall for him all over again. I want to delete them, but I can't bring myself to do so. Time will give me what I need though... and maybe eventually I'll be able to delete all of our conversations.

Thanks guys... I appreciate you all.

[dramallama]

Voila - what helped me a lot was unistalling Skype, which has all of our previous chats on there - hours and hours of chats. I know that if I logged back into my account right now to read the chat logs, it would just bring up so many emotions - confusion, sadness, loss. So I don't even have it installed on my computer that way it's that much harder for me to log in so I don't even go there. I have never deleted any photos of him, but I did move them to an external hard drive. Perhaps eventually I will delete them when he is no longer relevant to me. Maybe you could move your emails to your computer too, then burn them to a CD, then put that CD in the back of a closet somewhere.

 

In this day and age it becomes incredibly hard for someone NOT to stay in touch. If he truly wanted to contact you, I'm sure that you can think of a few ways for him to do so. It's easier to think of an excuse "he must be hurt or in the hospital". But chances are, he isn't. What most likely happened is that he has realised that he can't commit to visiting you, or that he doesn't want to continue a relationship for whatever reason, whether there is someone else involved or not. Read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You". It will change your dating life.