1st Conversation w/ Ex in 7 weeks....Need Advice !

[heartsick]

Hi folks -

 

The quick update. I'm the 31 yr old who was best friends with a guy for 12 years....dated for 1/5 years...looked for rings, openly talked of marriage with friends and family....he found out he'd be losing his job....started distancing...I clung...he withdrew...tried therapy for 4 sessions...(he's been in therapy for 11 years combatting intimacy/commitment issues which I helped him out with a lot as his best friend)....on the day he finally lost his job, he broke up with me (harshly in that he he said that while no one was to blame it really was that he "tried" to make it work but "my behavior/sadness as he was withdrawing proved that the strong, independent woman he knew for 12 years as a friend was "not real" and that that I had major "boundary issues, etc." (which, I admit, in my panic/shock/sadness, I wasn't as strong as I normally am....but I'm a senior exec in a major co. with a history of strong, stable relationships with everyone in my life, etc.). Anyway, he broke it off.....refused any contact with me. I e-mailed him/tried to call him, went to his house 2x during the first 3 weeks....all of which just "scared him more," etc. I know, classic mistakes. That's all the background (which many of you know).

 

Anyway, I started NC 3.5 weeks ago. He went on a (previously planned) vacation w/ a couple that was originally friends with me and just got back. We work out at the same tennis club. He hadn't been around at all for these past 7 weeks. Yesterday, he shows up ! Quite unexpectantly. I turned the corner, and there he was. Given that the last time he saw me, he literally said that he would "put a restraining order against me" if I tried to contact him again (by the way, I NEVER yelled, threatened, abused, etc....all I ever did in front of him was ask "why" (usually, without even many tears)...anyway, given that, I turned around and walked in the other direction. Not, in a huffy way...just in a "hey, i know you don't want me bothering you/talking to you again" (which, again, feels crazy given that i was best friends with this person for 12 years, planned on sharing our life together, and have NEVER ONCE processed the breakup). So, I left the room. I left the club b/c i had to babysit a friend's child....and expected that there was no way he would "hang" in the club later. Three hours later (I had left, picked up the 1 1/2-year old kid, and come back (with the kid, because the parents were going to meet me there later), I was in the club room, and BANG ...there he is again. Unbelievable. My ex is a commitment-phobe (although he says he wants marriage, a family, etc. more than anything)....and the first time he sees me, I'm carrying a 2 year old. So, I walk in....he sees me and his first words (jokingly, with a smile, are "Is he your's?" I joke back, "Yes...it didn't take me long, did it ?" We laughed. He said, "seriously, who is he?" I said "It's Ben" (he's seen this kid plenty of times before when he was just an infant..." I explained that i was waiting for the parents. We made very idle chit-chat. He was interactive with the kid, slapping him "five", playing w/ a tennis ball with him, etc. At one point, he said "He looks identical to how i looked at that age" (I agree with that assessment). After abt. 7-8 minutes, I started talking to other people in the club room, all of whom wanted to know who the little fella' was and play with him, etc. Eventually, "Ben" was getting tired of being around people, so I just took him to a different area of the club, where eventually i met up with the parents and went home with them. I didn't go back in to say good-bye to my ex, etc. and had no more contact with him. Overall, I'd have to imagine that he found me to be "pretty happy/content/taking care of myself." I'm also hoping he couldn't help but notice that i've lost about 15 pounds (not that i was heavy before).

 

So.....how did i do ? And, more importantly....why do I feel like such crap ?????? As proud as i am that there was no "scene," I was able to be nice/open/friendly.....I feel really disappointed. Like, "how could he see me and act so nonchalant...as though he doesn't even miss me ????" I knew it wouldn't come, but I was half-hoping that my phone would ring later that night and he'd say, "You know, enough time has passed, let's get together and really talk about what happened, where we went wrong, and how we can begin to re-build (if nothing else, our friendship?)

 

I feel terrible. I desperately want to to call him....but that's the totally wrong thing to do at this point, isn't it ? Do you think that the fact that he "reappeared" at the club is a good thing....the fact that he didn't hide away from a place that he knew he would likely see me ?

 

I DESPERATELY need some coaching and moral support !

[RayKay]

Well the meeting has put you in a state of thinking about him, hasn't it? I guarantee he will ALSO be thinking of you. Give it time, don't call him right away, if you want, you can call him in a few days/couple weeks, but I think you could also very likely run into him before then again or hear from him himself before then.

 

You did well, kept the conversation positive, light, funny, were seen mingling with other people, were confident - all the right stuff!

 

I do know how confusing it can be though, I have interacted with my ex many times since the break, each time we mutually agree we had a great time (he has even said to a couple mutual friends if it was like this before we never would of broken up! Grrrr...alas, it was his OWN commitment issues that prevented it always being like that, "fortunately" he DOES know this too and instead thinks maybe in the future they can be like this (uh..why not now?) ) and you are often having to struggle with your internal confusion after. But smile, don't let him know that...build those good moments, show you care, but remain the independent, confident women he fell for. I am glad to hear he is in therapy for his issues - it is possible he will never completely overcome them and that is something you need to decide (if you get back together after all) if you can take in your life/relationship.

 

Now, that does not mean you cannot be happy - you might never get a ring, but you could still live together forever (it is your decision if a ring is important) and be happy as long as he feels that you are worth getting over his fears with and that you give him the proper space he needs. Personally, while a ring is nice, I would be perfectly happy with a lifetime relationship without one - my mother and stepfather have been together for 18 years now and have so far decided not to get married, and they are a wonderful, very loving, compatible couple so I believe there is far more to a life partner relationship than marriage - but if my ex and I got back together and he were to ask, I would say yes

[heartsick]

Thanx RayKay for your insightful words and kind counsel. You helped to validate my reaction to him....but today has really been a rough day. All day, I kept thinking of him....and how, when I stood in front of him (esp. holding this little boy) all I could think of was our 12 years together, our incredible bond, and the fact that we used to talk (openly and without hesitation) of what our own children would be like, how we would care for them, who would take what responsibilities, what it would be like when "mommy" or "daddy" came home from work. So, all day long, I thought of these memories....and it just seemed as though he saw me as no different from any other girl in the room. How in the world could he possibly talk of such things (knowing me for 12 years....knowing how seriously i would take his words) for 12 months, then withdraw, and end the relationship abruptly WITH NO CONVERSATION and then show up and act as though nothing had happened. Am I the nutty one here or is this completely irrational behavior. Truly, I desparately need advice !