How do you get them back if they must resolve Family Issues?

[Nikki11]

It's been just over a month of no contact and 4 months of not seeing him. I know my ex likes me very much, we were engaged but he broke it off because of an illness with his dad and his family needed his support, so he broke it off. His family is not supportive of his getting married right now and I think that's where the problem lies, he is 37.

 

He does not contact me very often, but is always very happy to hear from me, and responds, and keeps saying that we will meet one day, and always thanks me for being friends with him right now, because he said due to his work and family problems, he cannot commit to more than that.

 

I have respected his wishes to remain friends, but getting a bit fed up of initiating contact all the time, so I have decided to give him some space, and see if he can work out his issues and contact me when he is ready.

1 month of NC

 

Do you think I am doing the right thing? I know in my heart he cares for me and misses me, but it hurts that I am not sure what the future brings anymore??

[endy]

Hmmm... Well... Do you honestly trust that this is the real reason that he broke it off? I in no way am suggesting that it's not. A friend should clearly contact you also. You are doing all of the work here. It is not fair to you to wait for him either. I do not like the fact because he is so busy with work and his dad that he cannot love you or get married.

 

I do understand to a point, but that to me is no reason for him to break up with you. Try not to initiate contact anymore and see if he responds to it. Let him contact you. I don't see if you trust this man, why you couldn't stay friends with him. However if it is going to be easier for you in the long run to walk out of his life to get over it, that's what I would do. I don't think this is fair to you.

 

I would not do this to someone that I love, but maybe he is just a different man.

[Nikki11]

Thanks Endy, he is different, I think that's what everyone thinks, it's just not typical, and his family is not entirely supportive, that's part of it. But it's not a good enough reason, he should make up his own mind. They were okay with us being engaged, but when his dad got ill, they seemed very harsh towards me, and he buckled down to the pressure and broke it off. His mom thinks that I should have been more supportive when his dad got ill, it's not really my fault.

[endy]

Why exactly do you think they feel this way? I don't understand, there has to be more to it than that. How was the relationship? How is his parents relationship? I understand being there for your parents and loving them. However, we all are born, live, and die. It is a part of life. We should love our parents, but that should not cause us to not love our partner. I do not understand this world view that he seems to have.

[Nikki11]

Endy, that's the problem. I have no idea why his family are not supportive. It's really his mom who is very dependant on him to help out at home with his dad. Our relationship was fine up until this incident. We have no personal issues, his mom does not like me, and thinks that I am not right for him now, all because of this, I think she is using this as an excuse to get him to break things off completely with me. But from our communication so far, I know he cares, just not sure what he plans to do. But yet lack of contact on his part, makes me wonder, it's been a month. I think at this point, it's best to just let go...

[mhowe]

Here's my question: if this were a girfriend, or a guy friend who was not an ex fiance, would you walk away from the friendship??? Dealing with family illness is a huge emotional and physical drain, especially when one parent is losing their partner.

 

If you believe he cares, then continue to contact him, be positive when you do (you are probably the only positive sound in his life right now) and just continue on with your life. He can't predict the future right now --- he's just responding day to day. If you want, set a time limit in your head/heart as to how long you want to be a supportive friend ---- is his dad's illness fatal??? If so, that's your time frame, with the addition of getting his mom settled after the fact.

 

From what you've said, it's not that he doesn' t love you --- it's that he has too much on his plate to have to wear the bf/fiance hat right now with any level of energy and commitment. Have faith...

[endy]

I do not understand... Why would his mom not like you? Why does she think you are not right for him now? Is he a huge mama's boy or something? I understand taking your parents advice, but I am my own person. I'm going to do what I feel is right always as a man. I will listen to a woman's opinion, but I am not going to listen to it to the point that it influences my decision unless it makes sense to me personally.

 

It probably is best to just let go. I do not get this behavior at all.

[Nikki11]

You are so right Mhowe and Endy, thank you, but I am sure I would have reacted the same regardless of the fact of him being a bf/ fiancee, I do care about him alot. He may be a bit of a Mama's boy, but he does have a lot on his plate right now, so I think I do need to give him a break as well, rather than just always initiating contact with him. His dad has parkinsons disease. I will have faith in myself to be strong, no matter what, and do what's right for me. At this point however, I do feel that I should leave some communication up to him.

[endy]

This is a time for emotional and physical drain, when you are losing a PARTNER. The issue here is he chose not to stay with his partner. A partner is there for you. You help your partner when he/she needs help. You love that partner through their pain and suffering. You are always there for that partner. Why did he choose to break THEIR partnership? This is what I do not understand. What is wrong with a woman standing by her man through times of suffering?

 

Why on earth would he feel that breaking up with her for whatever reason would help deal with this? I do not understand this. I am there for my partner. I see if she is suffering and my response is... Darling, I see that you are suffering. How can I help? Not get away from me because I am suffering from work and can't deal with you while I am dealing with my mom and dad.

 

This is not love to me. This is someone who does not know what love is to me. What happened was he caused her and himself to suffer more by breaking this partnership to put someone/something else ahead of it. I do not understand this action. I have no problem with taking time to deal with your family and their suffering. This is important, the issue I have is he caused more suffering for her, and for himself by breaking this relationship which seems to have been going fairly well from what I see. I would by no means do this whatsoever to someone I love, let alone I'm engaged to.

 

Nikki are there and underlying issues here? How is his past? How was the relationship in general? Were you both happy the whole time? Any hardships at all. I just don't understand him leaving because his dad is sick. I can understand that it takes time from a relationship, but why on earth would he say he needs to end it because of it? Did he move far away or anything like that?

 

I'm searching for underlying issues because this just doesn't make sense to me. Does he have fear of commitment? Did he propose to you out of the blue or did you need to coax him into it?

[mhowe]

My take on this is that he is under stress and cannot in good faith commit or continue to commit to a fiance. Not saying it is right, just is --- sometimes life throws you a curve. Don't know how long Nikki and ex together, but family commitments can often take precedence over a personal relationship. He is not stringing Nikki along, nor asking for her to wait --- he responds happily when she contacts him.

 

I think your last thought is good --- have faith, be the strong woman you can be --- be there for him when you want to contact him---- and continue on with your life. Only you know the strength of what you had, and no one on any forum is going to be able to give you the answers --- Just advice.

[Nikki11]

Endy, Mhowe, you are both right. We were both together for just over a year, perhaps the engagement was a surprise to me, and perhaps in his mind he was not ready, not sure.

I also feel that he should not have broken things off, but he had his reasons and I must accept it. Perhaps he does have fears of not committing in general, but committing right now. He is always happy to hear from me, but sometimes I feel that I need to hear from him as well.

 

Our relationship was a smooth one, not really anything though, like everyone else, and we were both contented. I was looking forward, and still hope to have a future with this guy. I do believe that I should not desert him but will keep my distance now and give him some time to himself. I feel that if he wants to meet me one day,as he was suggesting, he will reach out, if not, I am moving on in any case, but will always be there for him, if he needs me.

[endy]

Nikki,

 

 

I think that's the right thing to do at this point. His behavior just confused me is all. Maybe I just don't understand because I would want my significant other to be there for me at a time of need like that. It's just part of a partnership to me as I explained. Just don't go jumping into anything real quick with someone else. You'll be fine, and I think in time he'll come back. I think you know exactly what to do and are going to do the right thing. I'm glad we could help.

[Nikki11]

Endy and Mhowe, thanks a million, your advice was wonderful, will keep you posted and hope all goes well with you.

Thank you kindly.

[endy]

Endy and Mhowe, thanks a million, your advice was wonderful, will keep you posted and hope all goes well with you.

Thank you kindly.

 

It is my and I'm sure Mhow's pleasure to help someone. You're very welcome

 

I hope it goes well and you are seeing more clearly now.