It gets easier

[myheadvsheart]

So I stumbled accross this website and forum after googling, "I told him not to contact me any more." I've read some stories from Marsh, Browneyedgirl, etc...and feel some syngery and similarity with my own separation process, either from past breakups and how this disconnect is much different.

 

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but just wanted to talk I guess. Three weeks ago I said that I need to let go of this hope about us together and needed to disconnect to put things in perspective to move on. I said this after he said no longer wanted a relationship with me, he wanted to be a friend. It was a conversation he dodged for months. I forced the conversation and said he made it difficult to care about him and I was unhappy. He went in to a lot of drama about his life. None of these things, his problems, make him unique, nor a justification to mistreat me. I've been where he's at and strong people look for help and not once did I ever use my problems as a reason to mistreat anyone I claimed to care about.

 

He was apologetic and hoped that I talk to him again, but I realized we will not work out. I told him that I wanted a family life and wanted that with someone that was willing to nurture relationship with me. It's upsetting when you invest your energy, your worry, your caring and your love only to be taken for granted. I deleted his phone number, deleted his contact information from my messenger. This was so that I did not fall back in to a habit of talking to him. I am not angry with him or disillusioned, I just know that I will not move on if I continue to talk to him.

 

When I powered on my computer, by default my messenger launches. I did this and went to take my dog for a walk and there it was - he popped up. Saying "hi" it's something he always says when things are awkward or tensious. I did not respond and he continued to say that he guessed I did not want to talk to him (he guesses?) so he won't bug me, he missed me, any way, bye.

 

I'm not a yo-yo and this is his m.o. to reel me in and then pull away. I'm not upset at him, because I enabled him to do it. So I thought about it and I realize his missing me is not about me at all. I was careful to say "I miss you too, but I'm not ready to have this conversation unless you're willing to spend time with me for that sentiment to mean something." I'd like to say I came up with that sentence, but I didn't, I'm sure I found it on another advice board. I already knew this is how I felt, but I wanted to stay neutral and remove any emotion from it. I didn't want to say "call me when you decide what you want and you get your life together." I let him know that I don't harbor hard feelings and am ok with his choice. I need him to be okay with mine; I need to move on. If he really believes what he tells me "that I deserve better" and wanted to be a friend, then "wish me well...and hope I find love with someone that loves me back. He did not need to stay in contact with me to do that." I was sad and had hopes for us, but life goes on and I hoped his turns out the way he wants, soon.

 

I had no idea what I was doing was a "no contact rule." I just knew myself well that I won't give anyone else a chance or attract someone that wants the same thigns that I do if I'm distracted by his indecision. I'd allowed that distraction for long enough.

 

He's not contacted me since and my expectation is that he won't - he'll move on to someone else. I feel relieved and sad at the same time. Though I'm not going to suffer someone who doesn't know what he wants. It's tough, because I really cared for him and opened up about those painful insecurities, the mistakes we make growing up. He shared them with me as well. The intimacy is harder to get over.

 

Though the whole friendship thing is not possible - historically when I mention platonic subjects, he's been dismissive or trivialized my life when I'm venting to decompress. Yes he's not a girlfriend, but he'd have to suffer those conversations, if he really wanted to be a friend. I cannot imagine his flirting with me and taking it platonically. I'm not doing it. Empty sentiments about missing me, will not make me settle for his indecision any more.

 

I think it gets easier each day. Slowly I'm removing his photos as well. Not doing it all at once out of anger, just each time I see something, I put it away. Life moves on. See how I feel next week...thanks for letting me bend your virtual ears.

[Hollyj]

When someone says there not good enough for you, BELIEVE THEM!

 

If this guy wants to change then he'll get some counseling and do some self-exploration. It's his choice.

 

I think it's disrespectful of him to break NC, and wonder why you don't stick to your guns? If you want to heal from this, don't respond.

 

Lastly, I found if they were lousy in the relationship, they are lousy as friends.

[myheadvsheart]

Hi Holly, thanks for your perspective.

 

Quite honestly, his problems is not something I am trying to solve - it was background information to explain what led to ending things with him - nothing more. He is in therapy and god bless him, I wish him well. I share this on this board, because I feel successful with this disconnect, whereas relationships in the past were tough, I'd analyze it to death and second guess it. Not this time.

 

And I'm okay with responding to him to give my disconnect finality (i.e. empty sentiments do not change anything) and it gave me an opportunity to put his words back on him - (i.e. I do deserve better - so let me get to that). That was my moment to set boundaries. In this moment - and the last few weeks, I feel relieved and decided. This is a different feeling for me and it leaves me optimistic about my future, without him.

 

It does get it easier with time.

 

thanks again.

[Hollyj]

Good for you! I'm also happy to hear he's trying to help himself!

[DreamSeller]

When things first ended for me 4 months ago, I knew that things would get better one day, but I just didn't know how long I would feel that pain because it felt unbearable. I've since then decided to the NC (only been 2 weeks) because it is the only way for me to heal and I've been feeling a lot better. I was trying to stay friends with him in hope that we'd get back together. But the truth is, he is not worthy of my friendship. And like you, I do feel that I deserve better. I,too,am feel relieved and sad at the same time, but I don't wake up in the morning feeling this pain in my heart or not be able to sleep at all. I still haven't deleted any of the pictures, but I don't look at them anymore. I don't re-read his words and analyze them like they're supposed to mean something special. I've accepted that it's over. I'm just glad that I don't feel that pain anymore.

[myheadvsheart]

Dreamseller: There's a relief when you accept he's no longer a stakeholder. Your choices about what comes next are open. I'm moving his photos on my computer to some obsequious drive that I cannot find - it would be difficult to navigate to, etc. Some of them I delete, but for now, moving them away from my sight is all that is needed. I think that is the part that is more difficult for me is accepting that I failed, granted there are 2 people. Yet I invested some time in this and it did not work out, that is harder for me. My ego is still brooding and then I'm enjoying that he missed me. How big of a jerk am I if I am enjoying this? I really don't enjoy it at all, I want this to be a Non sequitur so quickly...that I am conscientiously focusing on not harboring resentment - because will not attract a person that is available and ready to give the things that I want in a relationship. I cannot brood or enjoy that he's missing out etc - it just did not work out - it happens, I wish him well, because I want to be well. He cannot be a friend, because it will distract me from moving forward and that's the only reason. I'm trying very hard to reframe my emotions about breaking up - it's sad, but life moves on. I know I'm going to be just fine.

[ChellyV]

wow, your thread is so composed and assertive. you are a role model!

actually, my story is VERY MUCH LIKE YOURS it felt like it was my story. yes, we will all be alright. sometimes there are bumps here and there (when you just cry cause you miss him, it is natural) but as long as you remained focused to move on, i believe you will. and i do too at this time of my life (46 days NC). go girl!

[myheadvsheart]

Thanks C! I am coaching myself through this one day at a time and every time I want to question this - I just remind myself - what is my outcome here? And I redirect my energy on that desired outcome. I want someone emotionally healthy, responsible, capable of sharing and ready to commit. Which means I have to be those things - and I cannot be those things - if I'm distracted by someone from the past that doesn't know what he wants. Sometimes I worry that he'll break confidences, but in the bigger picture - my future is not dependent on any of those things. I'm not going to masturbate (emotionally) in the past.

[myheadvsheart]

I was feeling great about my progression moving forward. Then this afternoon, some bitterness crept in, the disappointment. I remembered what I said to him last ... unless he was ready to put action behind his sentiments about missing me, I wasn't talking to him any more. I felt great saying that and I felt confident moving on, because he's not ready or not capable or both. Yet this afternoon, my ego is bruised because wow...he's not protesting any more. It's what I asked him not to do. So yes, he's respecting my boundaries, and for a moment-just a moment, I started to regret that he's not protesting any more.

 

No I did not contact him. I had to snap myself out of it though. *sigh*

[myheadvsheart]

Reading about yet another celebrity-makeshift-politician fathering a baby outside of his marriage to someone else is not helping my mindset at this moment - how some have something so precious and dump on it and hurt people they claim to care about.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hey myheadvsheart, I'm there with you, going through the same thing, telling me the same and an ex who claims to love me but with no action! And the empty words are killing me!

[myheadvsheart]

Still feel decided, but I am sad, I am not depressed. I can function and I am focused. I am making plans to hang out with girlfriends. In my moments of reflection I see that I've grown so much emotionally in therapy that I am in a different place in my life. I remember the last time that I was really happy was when I was with him, kissing him, his arms around me. I just accept that it means I want a relationship and a support system. I am sad, disappointed. I thought I met someone that I'd make a life with and that included decisions about a family, he was passionate, he was kind, he was responsible, but he over-commits in life. He shifted when he said "don't expect anything from me." He claimed it was a comms failure, but it soon became clear he would not make time for me. He had problems to sort out and I was willing to be supportive. I was not going to "fix" him, but I miss the intimacy - not just sex, but the level of sharing, not in a dependence way - but the level of vulnerability it took to confide in one another. I am realizing I have to start again. It's not that I'm bitter, just feel it's a shame. I wanted him, cared for him, but I want someone that wants me too. .... "I want you to want me." I wish him well, I hope he can say the same for me.

[myheadvsheart]

Yesterday I ran 7 miles and went out with friends last night. I was tired. Periodically I thought of him, not because I missed him per se, rather I was tired and supporting local bands from 7-11 wore me out. I have a long day today and I travel again this week. I feel healthier every day and I am thankful that I had the time in therapy last year to give me the view that I have now. It made my decision to move on and end contact with him easier last month. I am glad that when I am upset, I don't feed it and reframe this as a disappointment and must move on. I understand he has problems that need be addressed in therapy for him to move on. He only started 4 months ago. He has a long way to go.

 

Parting ways with me is incidental to what he's dealing with, but I don't give him a pass for his shoddy communications to me. There are moments that I miss his arms around me, or his face when were intimate, but I can dismiss those moments as readily when they surface. I reframe it - that it just means that I miss the connection and it's recently with him, so that's why I am thinking about him. I wish that he wanted me, but I think he is right, he believed he wasn't good enough for me and I did deserve better. I think it's a woman's ego - that absurd expectation we have - that we want them to think, why am I not worth fighting for or upping your efforts? Saying "you deserve better" is another way of saying, he is not willing to do better, even if I am worthy of it. That helps me move on every day.

[nekoxchaos]

Hey myheadvsheart, I admire your strength and believe boundaries are really important. Before I really knew nothing of it and just let things happen which resulted in me giving myself too easily. It took me a while to finally get to the point of NC and to finally put my foot down, I was the one that would cave in all the time and make phone calls and cry and be upset to my ex but so far its been like 4 months and its been tough but its been making me stronger. I remember the last time , he wanted to have a talk with me .... it just ended up with him being semi flirty and not addressing our issues , I felt so sad inside because I do miss his presence and him being so close to me but I knew we weren't able to express any of our feelings and issues to make it work as a "friendship" eventually we parted ways and my last hug ... he even had the audacity to say SEE YA LATER when I know in my head THIS IS THE END.

 

I haven't tried to contact him , he send me some text about some stuff but I would ignore it or take my time. I would still have dreams about him and I would wake up feeling like crap but I will not call ! so yeah his still in my mind so I have to make do for now. Besides I felt like being patronized, he was giving me all these job offers and at the same time telling me I shouldn't rely on him so thats exactly what I did .... went through months sending out emails to jobs instead of taking up his offers , It took me a while to finally get a freelance at least but at least I wasn't just taking it from him and expecting things to be good and easy just because that's what he wants he wants me to be at a distance but at the same time be treated like this helpless little thing . I say screw that.

[myheadvsheart]

Hi Nekox. Congrats on procuring employment yourself. Sometimes I think the whole, "I have a job offer for you" stuff, is another way of maintaining contact or somehow reaffirms their ego, that you still need him, and may even "owe him" if he made a contact for you. Or relieves his guilt conscience when they can help you out. Even if none of those things are true and he just wants to help you to put out good karma; there is nothing better for your self-esteem than knowing you can take care of yourself - you can make a living and you can make your own way in life. It helps your self-confidence and that just makes you more attractive to the right person.

 

I am having moments of weakness, longing for contact from him, but I do a good job to keep it at bay - it is still difficult. I feel strong every day, but now I am going through that "finally he gets it - he's leaving me alone and not playing tug of war with my emotions" only to wonder "why is he not talking to me, to respect my wishes or because he moved long before I did" type of passive aggressive navel-gazing analysis. ](*,) I miss him, but then, I don't - he has so many issues to work out. I want him to be happy and healthy. Sometimes I wish that was with me, but I don't want to be the one to "fix" him. I feel like I have so much to offer the right person and I deserve love. We all do. Hang in there.

[nekoxchaos]

yeah I hear you, this weekend has been depressing but not as bad that I start calling him. One of the reasons why I didn't take the job offer was that I knew the cycle would carry on..... meaning I wont be able to rely on myself and we'll carry on hanging out and possibly fooling around etc etc. Though there are days when I feel well , there are days when I worry that his having all this fun and I never cross his mind and the urge to call him gets pretty strong.

 

I had alot of issues myself and understand that I must have made it hard for him too, the only way we can fix our issues is for ourselves even if it is a slow process im sure its twice as rewarding in the end =) besides I try to make the best with this situation and realize my weakness and strengths, Im still in no way ready to go out dating and what not because Im in a place where I can be comfortable in my own skin.

[myheadvsheart]

So the last two days...I've struggled...today is especially hard and I'm frustrated that I am chosing to focus on the negatives where I feel threatened and jealous about something in the past that he didn't see as special as I did. A lot of is the process that I am understanding that someone was undermining us - even though he's not interested in her at all, I'm realizing she had a hand in sabotaging and distracting him to the point that I could not tolerate it any more. Had he known she was the source, he'd shrug it off, she's not exactly a "secret" admirer. His problems were real and he hid behind them, the ego boost "she" provided him, upset me so much and I shut him down, because figuring out who that was took his attention and not mine. Do I care if he knows it's her? No, I don't. It doesn't change what he said to me, his not knowing who she was enough for him to reconsider me and that's enough in the big picture to know I wasn't the one. If/when he finds out that it's her, I'm sure he'll think it malicious or lose all interest. It's not enough for me to reconsider, but it relieves me somewhat that I know the truth - maybe poetic justice? Either way - today was a huge setback for me, in that I felt like a downer all day today and in some instances tried to suppress tears.

[myheadvsheart]

1:00 am and cannot sleep. Guess I'll work out.

[rkw]

I'm so sorry today's been bad. It's like a mean trick, just as you've had a few not-as-bad days in a row, something suddenly pops up and sets you back. Just ride out this storm, and it will begin to get better again. I've been so impressed with your resolve so far, and I know in a few days you'll be back on track