Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 but, I'm not going to. I just felt as if I needed to say it. I'd been living it for weeks now and I couldn't keep it in any longer. Ex, I remember when I first knew I loved you. I was worried that when you went back to college, two sates away, that you'd find someone else to replace me. After all, we'd only spent the summer together. I sent you a text message expressing how I didn't want to be someone's summer fling, that I really cared about you and I couldn't imagine losing you when I finally felt like I could settle in. Your response: “Babe, I would never do that. I know this probably isn't the best way to tell you this but, I'm in love with you.”. All I could do was cry. I felt like my entire world finally fit. Only one thing wasn't right, I didn't have the courage to say it back. I had given so much to a relationship in my past, only to get nothing in return, I was simply afraid to let you know just how I felt. That night though, when I saw you, you laughed about something on TV and I blurted out that I loved you. I don't know where it came from but something about seeing you so happy made me realize I couldn't not tell you. For the next year and a half, you were my world. There was one problem though, I was still afraid. You'd send me flowers on anniversaries and I'd just say thank you and wish you a happy one. I had learned to NEVER give too much because men don't like it. I wanted to bad so kiss you in public, send you cards for no reason, and buy you dinner on a Sunday night. I thought though, that if I tried too hard, you'd leave me just like my first love did. I needed him the most when he left me and although I know now he wasn't right for me and that I never loved him like I love you, he left a mark that's just now starting to heal. I've discovered that not every man is like Ben Johnson and sometimes, saying what you feel is really what needs to be done. You told me you felt like you gave 90% effort and I gave 10%. My heart broke because all I ever wanted was to keep you. I wanted the future we planned together, the wedding we were preparing, and the babies we'd imagined. It's been 2 months now and we're both sorry things didn't turn out the way we hoped. It's hard knowing we broke up still loving each other. It's hard knowing I wanted to be everything you felt was missing , that I wanted those things too, and yet it took me this long to finally stop being afraid. I never meant to take advantage of you and I think you know that. I think that's why it's so hard for us to talk. It's impossible to want something so bad yet be totally afraid of getting hurt again. I hope one day that you'll allow me to show you just how great I truly think you are. I hope you'll let me take care of you, love you, and buy you those silly cards any day of the week. Today, I am finally not afraid. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 what was the reason for the break up? Link to comment
Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Pretty much what I said. We'd been together for two years and he felt as if he was making all the effort. Instead of enjoying our time together, it became an obligation. I never really offered to make plans and such because I wanted him to be happy. I didn't pay for dinner much because I couldn't often afford it but, that eventually became an obligation for him as well. We loved each other, I just was afraid of trying too hard. The back story to that is long and involved but, long story short, I learned to never give too much because they'll take it and run. It was nice to have someone willing to make the plans, pay for things, and give effort. Eventually, I wanted to try harder, to show him I cared but, I was worried things would end the way it had for me in previous relationships the second I started investing myself. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 i know how you feel about sending the letter, there is two outcomes it can setyou back, which im sure you dont want,or it can make you feel at ease since you finally said what you want Link to comment
Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 I'm not going to send it. I just wanted to say it. He knows how I feel, he knows I'd like to try. I just finally feel like I'm ready to invest everything I have, which hasn't happened since I got burned during my first serious relationship. I'm in an awkward position because I want so show I'm willing to make an effort while trying to not be pushy. He's expressed a desire for space, which is why NC was implemented officially, although we didn't really talk with the exception of his apology and my explanation. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 how long before you where with this guy was the break up? Link to comment
Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 You mean how long was I broken up from my first serious relationship? Uh, around a year and a half or so maybe. I'm definitely not hung up on him. He could die in a street riot and I wouldn't care, that's how horrible he was to me. He wasn't the issue, it was the things he did. Link to comment
Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 No, he's not. Not that I'm aware of. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 if he knows how you feel. then telling him twice i dont think would do the trick. Link to comment
Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 if he knows how you feel. then telling him twice i dont think would do the trick. I already said I wouldn't be sending it. I have no intentions of saying anything like that to him. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm not one to lower my self worth to groveling. Unfortunately that doesn't change my desire to make it better. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 i know i was pretty much just agreen with you Link to comment
Slimpee Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 The hardest thing is letting go of your ex knowing that it's the right thing to do...it's very scary! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and I bet it will lead you in the right direction... Link to comment
Kailynn Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 The hardest thing is letting go of your ex knowing that it's the right thing to do...it's very scary! Definitely. We both agreed that while we had a desire for our future together and we loved each other, at this point we'd slowly learn to resent our relationship if things didn't change. As hard as it's been to let him go I know that for us to have any chance at the future we both wanted, it needed to happen. He had the strength to do what I had been wanting to do for some time. Fact is, I love him more than anything, him as well, but the current dynamics would have ruined any future we wanted. It's for the best and I'm content with that. Personal growth is needed for any successful couple and we'd been lost in each other for some time. I take comfort in the fact that we ended things on good terms with love in our hearts. Link to comment
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