Marriage counseling

[Cilantro]

My husband and I have been married just one month but just a few weeks before the wedding, I found out he'd been carrying on inappropriate relationships through text and email with 2 different exes. We got married despite the many red flags around it all and now we're seeking marriage counseling in order to fix our marriage. I am curious about marriage counseling and hope anyone whose been in it can answer some questions for me.

 

What can we expect from marriage counseling? What sorts of questions will be asked? How do the sessions normally go? How often should we have the sessions? Is it unrealistic to expect to see a noticeable difference within the first couple of sessions? How will we know if our marriage is or isn't worth saving? When do we stop getting marriage counseling if things start going better for us?

 

Please help.

[annie24]

I think that those are all really great questions for the therapist. The therapist should be there to help you facilitate communication with your husband, maybe give you some exercises to do and to act as a neutral sounding board. if you and your husband don't feel comfortable with this therapist (if they have some unusual style), feel free to find a new therapist. good luck!!!

[Mauxly]

I've been.following your story and my heart goes out to you. I really hope that this works out for you.

 

In my experience the better relationship counselors tend to encourage separate individual counseling with separate counselors on top of, and in conjunction with relationship counseling. The thought being that you have two broken people who need to get to the root cause of their own issues before they can tackle the relationship issues.

 

He's got some deep issues that made him do what he did. These are unrelated to the relationship and no amount of fixing the relationship will fix him as a person. That's a journey that he'll have to take with his own therapist. If he doesn't get straight, No amount of relationship counseling will help, he'll re-offend.

 

Same with you. You have some issues that made you decide to go through with this even though that giant red flag landed right on your head. You need to get that sorted out if you are ever to trust your judgement again. And if you can't trust your own judgement you leave yourself vulnerable.

 

Then you have to work on the relationship dynamics, and that's a whole other animal.

 

You guys have your work cut out for you that's for sure. But if you can pull through this you'll probable be a strong couple with a lot of insight on how the other one ticks.

 

There's a pretty good relationship book out there called 'The Language of Love' that a lot if therapist use. It's great and I highly recommend it. But it kind of runs on the assumption that the individuals involved are fairly healthy to start with and just have communication issue. Tou guys have some deep digging to do on top of that.

[Mauxly]

PS...expect to become very frustrated and fearful the deeper you dig and the more real the pain feels as a result. Many people quit and give up on counseling and the relationship when it starts to get real.

 

But stick it out, the uncomfortable feelings are a sign of progress.

 

If counseling just makes you feel all fluffy and good, I don't trust it.

[Cilantro]

Thank you, Mauxly. I thought htat feeling fluffy and good in the first session would mean hopefulness, but I'm glad that it won't. I sort of want to do the digging to see why we ended up the way we did.

[Mauxly]

Thank you, Mauxly. I thought htat feeling fluffy and good in the first session would mean hopefulness, but I'm glad that it won't. I sort of want to do the diggiqng to see why we ended up the way we did.

 

I forgot to mention, you should consider your first few sessions with your therapist kind of like a job interview for them. Find out how much experience they have, what their goals are for you and what their techniques are. Not all therapists are built the same, and given the lax certification standards in some states, there are a lot of hacks. Some of them know that keeping it fluffy and superficial will keep you coming back ($$).

 

I went through a few therapists until I found one that works. And to find her I did a lot of research. She's one of the premier experts in cognitive behavioral therapy. Well educated, loads of experience, and well respected in the field. My friends have seen such a change that they want to go to her too, but she's booked solid. For a reason.

 

A bad therapist can turn you off to therapy in general. But don't give up. Having a good head shrinker is worth your weight in gold.

 

Oh yeah, and fluffy on the first few sessions isn't the kiss of death. They will take some time to get to know you before they start really digging.