Feeling so stressed out

[sonicfan287]

Hi everyone,

 

I don't mean for this to turn into a "whiny" sort of "pay attention to me" post or anything but I just needed a place to vent to people who haven't heard it a million times or aren't as well acquainted with the situation. I'm sure I'm not the only one having money troubles so a lot of you are just going to say to "suck it up" and I agree, for the most part. I just feel like I have an enormous amount of pressure from all angles though and my lack of money always seems to bite me in the ass. I also have a history for anxiety attacks and all of this is compiling... I usually didnt believe that talking to someone can help these kind of problems, since the problems still remain regardless of whether or not you talk to someone, but ever since Ive been making more friends and met my girlfriend, i do see the value in it and crave more than ever someone I could talk to, as crazy as that sounds.

 

Basically, I've had some bad semesters in college, made a lot of silly mistakes, due to either things i thought were more important (relationships, working more hours, etc) and made mistake after mistake, bringing my GPA down to a paltry 2.15 and dissapointing my entire family who thought Id graduate on time. They knew nothing about this until it hit the fan, because I'm someone who holds everything in until the last minute. I'm the least squeaky wheel you'd meet, despite my current outburst. I go to work day in and day out and get abused by management, asked to do everyone else's work, I'm the textbook example of a pushover when it comes to my job at Staples but I take it. I never complain, I dont cause a problem, but it does wear on me after a while and i never get recognition, never get a piddly little raise after 5 years. I don't mean to be so greedy but I just want something, but I don't want to upset anyone either.

 

This lack of money has also made me feel inadequate in my relationship, as I cant take her on any exciting dates. She says she doesnt mind sitting in her room, watching movies or taking a walk, but I feel like she'd like to do more. Shes the kind of person that likes variety and getting out and doing things as do I, and to the outside, it appears I dont want to do anything but thats not true. I do want to go on some kind of vacation or something but I cant afford it.

 

Anyway, to make matters worse, my girlfriends been having several problems in her life, I wont get into them out of respect for her but shes also having health problems, namely her vision, a side effect of a pill she's on for epilepsy. Shes very upset about it and I dont blame her, her vision has been severely damaged and shes doing everything she can to restore it but in the meantime Ive been trying to be as helpful and supportive as possible but its not really working. Much like me, she suffers from clinical depression. Most of the time I could find some way to cheer her up but this is too much for even me to cheer her up on and both of us are extremely stressed.

 

As for my money woes, it's been literally one thing after another. I got a 500 dollar income tax refund check in February and literally the day after, I went to turn on my laptop... nothing. Come to find out, the mother board was fried, it would cost 400 to fix, so I just got a new laptop and am on a payment plan. Currently though, that entire 500 is gone from computer payments, car payments and other expenses and it lasted all of 3 weeks.

 

Now I'm almost on my feet again, Ive picked up a second job, while going to school full time, barely able to afford gas to get there and back, and still have time for my girlfriend to try to help her through everything shes been going through. But I feel guilty for even worrying about this stuff to the extent that I do because my parents are going through problems in their marriage. My dad was unemployed for 2 years and just recently got a job and it caused a lot of turmoil in my family. They would fight almost every night and even though he has a job now, there's still fighting so I don't want to bother them when theyre trying to balance paying a mortgage with the other problems in their lives.

 

Anyway, the last straw was last night. I finally had to bother someone. Why? Because on my way home from my girlfriends house, my tire blew a flat... completely busted and on the highway too. I was scared senseless, had to pull over to the side of the road and anxiously called her and had her pick me up (actually her mom, since her vision is still blurry) and had the car towed. I'm now borrowing my mom's car, so Im inconveniencing someone else, have no money to pay for this tire repair, so thats another inconvenience on my parents and I have a ton of school work to keep up on in the meantime.

 

I'm sorry for heaving all of this at everyone , but I just need someone to talk to. I don't even eat most days because I cant afford to. I have to choose between food or gas and usually choose gas but today Im buying myself a freakin mcdonalds cheeseburger to get me through the day because I just cant take it. Saving money doesnt do anything when tires, laptops and other things keep cropping up.

 

Anyway, I love all the support that Ive gotten on this board during various other trials of life and have tried my best to support those others in pain as well. Thank you for reading this and have a great day.

[fire2therain]

You never have to apologize for the way you feel. I'm very sorry you are struggling right now and I can definitely relate. I was a pushover at my job until I finally just sucked it up and mustered up the courage and asked for a raise. Second, do you think you might want to go to therapy? Regain some confidence to be able to stand up for yourself when necessary? I realize you might not be able to afford it but many places charge on a sliding scale so it shouldn't be much. You deserve to have some attention for your problems and you need to talk to your family about your suffering. You owe it to them to let them know what's going on-they might not be able to help, but at least they'll know. My dad was unemployed for 5 years, and I know what it's like not having money all the time. Eventually you have to stop feeling bad and do what you have to do to get by. I hope this helped some. Keep your head up and STAY STRONG!

 

P.S.

I see you've been having some problems in school (your lowering GPA). But use your problems as a propeller to be able to do better in school. Trust me, a little motivation can go a LONG way!

[chitown9]

Have you considered taking a break from school or at least lessen your load? If you are performing poorly at school, then you really are not learning what you could be if circumsances were different. I lessened my load by reducing the #of units I was taking. True, it takes longer to achieved your end, but you will still get there.

[sonicfan287]

I definitely agree with what both posters are saying. Reducing my work load and seeking therapy are both very good ideas. I think I started doing more than I could without learning the basics, so now I push myself harder and harder but the thing is, I never really had a foundation if that makes sense.Im trying to do too much at once,but the problem is, I feel like Im on a deadline, and that I shouldve learned how to be a productive student years ago, as well as a better employee. Im past the age where people hold your hand through things and yet it seems like I can't do well on my own either. Ive tried therapy sporadically on and off but it never helped. They mostly tried to combat my emotions with logic. If I could logically reason away my emotions I most definitely would but even when I know Im overreacting it usually doesnt help. Thats why for the most part I actually prefer to talk to my friends, or people on enotalone rather than professionals.

 

Thanks again for your support. Im feeling a bit better than I did when I wrote this post. At least the people around me are doing better, Im strongly impacted by how my close friends and loved ones are doing so seeing them happy raises my mood a little bit.