getting intimate with others post break-up

[lozzy1980]

i have posted on here since the day i was dumped 3 months ago. in a nutshell - together 6 yrs, engaged 6 months then he turned round said basically since the moment he proposed he knew it wasnt right and he doesnt even love me. nice.

 

it has been 3 months since we split up. basically in the last 2 months i have ended up getting intimate with 2 guys i know (on separate occasions, not together lol) fancied both guys and thought i wanted to get intimate with them, but then...on both occasions i start crying whilst i was kissing them, pretty badly. all my emotions just eat me up... it suddenly hits me they are not my ex and that it seems real that i am no longer with my ex. also doesnt help that i was drunk on both occasions! both guys were cool about it, talked a little about what was eating me up and then carried on as we normally do as just friends. feel so bad for leading them on but it was not my intention to burst into tears, especially second time around i thought i could handle it but i cant.

 

i just want to know will i always be an emotional mess when it comes to the crunch with getting intimate with a guy?? how do i move on?I cant cry on every guy i get intimate with it is not fair on them plus it is extremely embarrassing and upsetting for me. i thought it was the right time this weekend but obviously it wasnt. when will i know i am of sound mind and can get intimate with another guy? another few months?or never?? do i need therapy?

[Capricorn3]

together 6 yrs, engaged 6 months

 

it has been 3 months since we split up. basically in the last 2 months i have ended up getting intimate with 2 guys i know but then...on both occasions i start crying

 

i just want to know will i always be an emotional mess when it comes to the crunch with getting intimate with a guy?? how do i move on?

To be honest, I'm not surprised you're an emotional mess seeing that it's only 3 months since you split up (and then getting intimate with 2 guys) after being together for 6 YEARS. Six years is a long time and it would take a lot longer than 3 short months to get over a long term relationship (imo). You've hardly given yourself time to grieve and get over the break up , which is usually necessary before another relationship starts. You have barely gone through the normal emotions before you launched into intamacy with two other guys, so no, I don't think it's surprising at all that you start crying and become an "emotional mess" as you describe.

 

I can only strongly suggest you give yourself more time and don't sleep with guys (yet) until you have properly dealt with getting over the break up etc.

[stevef20]

Hi you,

 

I have to agree within Capricorn, it will be easy at some point, its just to early doors at the moment x

[sparkle81]

Hey this is normal, you must become comfortable with being by yourself first. I have just come out of a long term relationship of 6 years and I know I will not be intimate with anyone else until I have my ex outa my system and I am happy with myself. Don't be hard on yourself, give it time trust me after 6 years trying to be intimate with another person you are not so comfortable with is hard. I suggest you go on dates and lap up the attention but don't get intimate unless it's with someone you feel you will not compare to with your ex....and it will happen! Before I met my current ex of 6 years I was with someone for 4 years...he was the love of my life then we broke up...6 months later I met my current ex and I really got with him because he was a younger sexy 21 year old at the time and I was 24...anyway we had a casual rshp for a while then he started paying me attention etc and we got intimate...he became my comfort blanket and after a few years I forgot about my first ex...problem is 6 years later I wish I didn't jump into things so quickly because now he has left me as I am thirty and he is 27...I wanted to settle down he doesn't and we argue all the time, yesterday after weeks of trying to fix it he said he doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel used and so hurt but when I look back on it when we got together he was just a young boy and it was a bit of fun...did I stay with him for the wrong reasons because it was comfortable, don't get me wrong I love him and he does love me but not enough to make it work! Sometimes it's better to take your timeXXXXX

[LoveConned]

well its only been 3 months. I think you will have to have an emotional attachment to someone to get intimate agin. I know I will.

ok Im going to be honest here and I am slightly ashamed....

(ok a bit of back story: 12 days ago out of the blue, my bf who i loved so much and he loved me so much dumped me over the phone while i was in another country visiting my family. this was the day after he told me he loved me and missed me and was never going to lose me! he said he had to try again with his ex wife, so he moved out 3 days before i was due to return home)

anyway i went out and got drunk and then the next day after not having slept much, i had a few beers with a girlfriend. my whole trip, a childhood guy friend knew I was in town and was keen to meet up but i avoided it up until then as i didnt want to get into a flirtatious situation as i was so dedicated to my bf.

anyway he kept texting and calling and i decide to then meet up with him the day after i was dumped. I have known this guy since we were 5! and yes i slept with him that night.

big mistake. I felt nothing. I was numb. he said all the right things, he did all the right things but all i cud think about was my boyfriend. I just have no interest in sex unless it is with him so whats the point?

I think the next time i have sex with somebody, it will be along time because I want to feel an emotional connection. I dont want to settle for less now.

[sparkle81]

Hey Lozzy you gave me some good advice before...thank youxxxxxxxx

[lozzy1980]

ok i will give it a LOT more time i think. maybe 12 months or more. in meantime will just hang out and have fun with my friends at weekends, i enjoy doing that usually anyway. i thought i was comfortable, esp the first guy because we have been mates for so many yrs and did have a fling 9 yrs ago. oh well i am obviously just not ready...men are off limits now for the foreseeable future.

[lozzy1980]

Hey Lozzy you gave me some good advice before...thank youxxxxxxxx

 

oh no problem you are welcome. i find it helps to share with others that are going through similar pain. i hope in 12 months time i can give better positive advice and say things will get much better! xxx

[Tryptophan]

This happened to me when I kissed another guy and mind you, it's been 4 months. I'm sure he has absolutely no problem kissing her though.

 

It sucks.

[Live-N-Learn]

I did it as well before I was ready. Sometime we do this to avoid really going through the entire healing process. Better to allow yourself to go through it and not short circuit the process by getting involved with anyone before you are healed. If not, you will have to go through it all over again after the next relationship ends. Use this time to grow from the experience and better know what you want and need in the next relationship.

[lozzy1980]

I did it as well before I was ready. Sometime we do this to avoid really going through the entire healing process. Better to allow yourself to go through it and not short circuit the process by getting involved with anyone before you are healed. If not, you will have to go through it all over again after the next relationship ends. Use this time to grow from the experience and better know what you want and need in the next relationship.

 

 

yes it is like i am avoiding my emotions at the moment. i always like to be around people - love my friends, like male attention so i guess there is some food for thought here. i need to get through this by myself.

 

but i am certainly not looking for a relationship at all. in fact never again. and please dont say in time you will be ready. i personally will never do it again now. been hurt badly twice now, and no i did not jump from one to the other - there was a 2 yr gap between these long term relationships. a close friend of mine is the same now, she split up with her bf 4 yrs ago and has not had a relationship since and said she never will again, so i do believe some of us get hurt to the point we don't bother anymore with relationships. so the advice i am seeking is not about starting a deep meaningful loving relationship with someone.

 

i guess i'd like a friend with benefits basically but i guess they get can messy and now in my state at the moment i cant handle anything. a FWB did work out well for me for 6 months once, and i was not bothered when it stopped. its not that i dont have an emotional attachment to them just that we both agreed and knew the score from the beginning. so maybe i was hoping to find another similar situation to that. have some fun and attention without stresses that come with relationships? but then as i found with these guys i cant even have any fun i just end up falling to pieces. this has never happened to me before

 

so basically at the moment i am not ready for any form of intimacy at all with men. i now get it. yes maybe 3 months i was expecting too much to soon. i just hope i take this advice on board now and stick to it. i am like a jekyl and hyde in the week i am really sensible-i have carried on working hard not had even a day off sick at all, i have been applying for other jobs as my current one ends soon and i am still continuing and doing well in my uni course, in fact top the class most the time. so in some parts of my life i am being sensible. but it comes to the weekend i get lonely if i dont go out with friends. but then going out with my friends tends to lead to heavy drinking and then these situations with men! i dont want to stop going out but i will have to keep my wits about me getting into situations with men will have to avoid them. oh and stop drinking so much which i think is definitely gonna happen now after how ill i felt on sunday!