Fell hard and fast... again

[chewy21]

This may end up being quite long, as I tend to elaborate.

 

I've recently been involved with my first love again after about seven years. To start with, I'll give the background:

 

We met my first semester as a theatre student in college. I was instantly attracted to her, and, from what I could tell, her to me as well. We became fast friends and started spending more and more time with one another, especially since we ended up having to do a scene together for our end-of-semester project. This was a romantic comedy scene that involved a kiss. We started calling each other to set up rehearsals, but once we had each other's number, we started just calling to talk. All this time, she had a boyfriend. I thought that since she was spending so much time with me, she might be looking to end her relationship with him, so I did a lot to endear myself to her. We even got so close one night that we ended up having phone sex (during which her father walked in, lol). We got very close. Then, after the semester, I stopped hearing from her. Apparently her boyfriend had found us out and gave her an ultimatum in the form of a proposal. She accepted, and they moved off to California because he was in the Marines and would be stationed there.

 

Over the next seven years, she was forbidden to talk to me, and out of respect for her decision (him over me), I didn't try to contact her either. I went on to have several relationships start and end, but I never forgot her or how I felt about her. I may have pushed it aside, but it was something that always felt unresolved to me.

 

She added me as a friend on Facebook in November of last year, but we barely spoke. I saw that she was still married, and had two small children to boot. Since I had a rule that I wouldn't date women who had children because I didn't want to "play daddy", I wrote it off as a lost cause once again.

 

She ended up contacting me again about three weeks ago, on a Wednesday. It turns out that she and her husband were recently separated. I would later learn that this was because the idiot cheated on her. She caught him five times and forgave him the previous 4. Anyway, we did some catching up, shared a bit of what we'd been up to the past seven years, and we exchanged phone numbers. After talking a bit more, I suggested that she should come and visit some time (I didn't have a vehicle at the time). Surprisingly, she accepted, dropped the kids off at her parents' house, and drove about 45 minutes to visit for a few hours. It was awkward at first, because I quickly learned that those old feelings were still there, and I didn't want to come on too strong too fast. Also, I became very self-conscious about my life situation (living with my brother and a friend of ours in a two bedroom apartment, no vehicle, fast food job, etc.) and I feared she might not accept me, or think I was childish. Despite the awkwardness, we had a good time over dinner, and we made plans to go bowling the following Saturday night.

 

Friday night came, and she had bad news: Her parents weren't going to be able to keep the kids all weekend as they planned. So, after a night out with some of her friends while I was at work, she came to my apartment to spend the night so that we could spend most of the next day together before she went to pick up the kids. To my surprise, we ended up having sex. The reason this surprised me is because this girl, while very flirty, is by no means promiscuous. I was the third man she'd ever been with (her husband, and one of his friends the week after their split for revenge, which she insists felt terrible).

 

The next morning, we got up early and went out for breakfast. She explained to me that she never wanted a relationship again because "that part of me is dead". As I probed more deeply, she revealed that she felt "tainted", and didn't see what she had to offer anyone anyway.

 

Then, the brick wall: She invited me to come home with her to pick up the kids and go to the zoo. Not wanting to leave her company, I accepted, and offered a pre-emptive apology on the way because I've always been terrible and awkward with small children.

 

We got to her mother's house to pick up the kids. She went inside to make sure it was okay for me to come in, and I hung back in the garage for a few minutes. Out comes this chipper four year old girl, who I immediately recognize as Krystal's daughter. We bond over squashing dead june bugs and her beating me in a footrace (she was on her big wheel). Krystal comes out with the 6-month old baby boy, and is astounded. "She never takes that quickly to anyone" she tells me, to which I reply "Neither do I!" Needless to say, the brick wall had been demolished. I loved hanging out with her kids, and the more I did, the more she told me that I was a natural with them. She's also a great mother, not one of those nagging types who's always drained and just barks orders, but she's fun with her kids while still taking great care of them on her own. I found this strength and compassion greatly increased my attraction to her.

 

This all caught me by surprise. All I was originally looking for when we first started talking was friendship, and maybe some cathartic closure from seven years ago. Now, not only do I have feelings for this gorgeous woman, but the one thing that I thought would prevent a relationship from happening has actually made me even more nuts about her!

 

Yes, she had said before that she felt broken and wasn't looking for anything, but as we began to grow closer again, I revealed my feelings for her, and told her that even though I know she isn't ready, I'm willing to wait until she is, because she is that amazing. She warned me that she may never be ready (which is to be expected from someone a month removed from an eight-year relationship), and kept repeating that she didn't want to hurt me. I told her that if my feelings for her made her uncomfortable, then I would ignore them as best I could, but she assured me that wasn't her concern. Her only concern was hurting me. And so, with her permission, I decided to wait for her, and in the meantime, we could still be friends. Having gone through a serious breakup myself only two years ago, I could relate to a lot of what she was going through, and offered my help and advice when and where I could.

 

We started talking all the time. She would text me when she woke up in the morning, and I would do the same. She would call me from work, and while I couldn't return the favor at my job, I always called her when I got off. We talked every night until she went to bed. It was wonderful, and I could sense that she may be starting to come around. I spent Easter with her at her family's gathering (since my family rarely celebrates the occasion with anything but the typical trip to church), stayed at her place several nights over the next few weeks, and generally spent time with her in the way a significant other would. We kept growing closer, holding hands, a kiss or two to say goodbye, cuddling on the couch watching movies, etc. We never got around to having sex again, but that was partially due to her emotional swings and association of the act with her ex-husband, which I completely understood. Simply knowing I had a shot to be with her was enough for me, and the other intimacies we shared more than made up for it. However, we agreed to only be intimate away from the children, since she didn't want them getting confused and still wanted their father to be part of their lives.

 

As this was generally the mood over the past few weeks, I'll jump ahead to last night. I finally bought the car I'd been looking for, and which she actually helped me find by locating the ad, so I made my first trip in it to visit her. We spent the early part of the evening cooking dinner for us and the kids, and after they went to bed, we watched Spartacus on Netflix (she called it "girl porn") while we were curled up on the couch. I noticed that even though she said she was tired from being up late with her son, she was more touchy than normal, meaning she cuddled closer with me and would find ways to stroke my arm or wrap my hand around her waist, and her mine. I was enjoying it, and I figured she was in the mood. However, out of respect for her decision to stay single, I decided to let her make all the moves. After three hour-long episodes, she rolled over and kissed me. We made out on her couch for probably 15 minutes before she looked at the time and realized she needed to go to bed. I told her I'd stay if she wanted, to which she was indifferent. So given the fact that if I stayed I would be in agony all night, considering how turned on I was, or we'd end up having sex, I opted to go ahead and drive home to let her catch up on some needed rest.

 

Tonight, I called her after I got off work. We chatted for a while, and she suddenly said:

 

"Can I ask you a serious question?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"Does it mess with your head when we kiss, like when we made out last night?"

 

"No, why would it?"

 

"Well, because you know I'm not looking for anything serious. I just saw the look of total bliss on your face last night, and it made me feel like I might be leading you on or something."

 

"No, sweetie, you've been completely honest with me about what you're looking for. I've just decided to wait for you. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy being intimate with you in the mean time, though."

 

"Okay. I just really care about you, babe, and I don't want to hurt you."

 

"I understand, and as long as I might have a chance with you one day, you're not leading me on."

 

This got me to thinking. What if there's something about me that's keeping her from moving forward? What if her decision to stay single isn't the only hurdle I'm looking at here? I mean, she's told me what a wonderful guy I am, how whoever I end up with is gonna be very lucky, how she thought no guys could understand what she's feeling until she met me... Still, I thought it might be a good time to make sure I'm not drawing dead here. I asked:

 

"Hey sweetie, you mind if I ask you a serious question back?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Okay, well, I know you're not looking for a relationship right now, but if you ever got to a point where you were, is there anything about me that would keep you from maybe dating me or having a relationship with me?"

 

She was silent for a second, and then:

 

"Well, if I'm being perfectly honest, the whole religion thing would be an issue. If I ever do have a serious relationship again, I want my man to be the spiritual head of our family. I was hoping that Johnathan (her ex) would come around, but he never did."

 

Then I was silent.

 

"Ah, okay. Well, that certainly gives me something to think about."

 

I was pretty quiet for the rest of our conversation, because I couldn't help but try and process this. What did this mean for our friendship? I had fallen hard for this girl already, which would be weird if we didn't already have a year's worth of history and past feelings for each other. It would be easiest to just cut ties, but I care about her and her kids too much now to just drop them like that. She's come to depend on me to be there for her under the pretense that I'm just a friend, while the main reason I was staying is because I feel something more for her. Yes, I'm still her friend beneath that, and honored to be, but this may be too hard for me to handle right now. As hard as it would be for me to lose the girl I'm head-over-heels for, it would be even harder on her, I think, to lose such a good friend and confidant in her situation as a newly single mom trying to hold down a job and provide for two children while still finding time to sort through a pending divorce. Her life is no picnic, and I know that the shoulder I've given her lately has helped. I care too much to just yank that away from her. I'm conflicted about what to do from here.

 

I wrote her an email after I got off the phone, detailing why I got so quiet and voicing my concerns through text. I'm a much more gifted writer than speaker, and she knows this, so the medium isn't out of the ordinary for us. Here's the email:

 

-------------

 

Hey Babe,

 

Sorry I was so quiet earlier. After you told me that even if you did get to the point of wanting a relationship, my lack of religion would be another brick wall, I couldn't help but think about it. Honestly, I'm glad you told me. The whole reason I've been waiting for you since we had our last talk about it is because I know that you'll eventually get over what you're going through right now. I don't mean to be dismissive at all, though, so please don't think that. I understand where you're coming from.

 

But now that I know that you wanting to stay single isn't the only thing stopping us from being together, I don't know where to go from here. I assumed the reason we were so intimate, with the kissing, the sex, the cuddling, the hand holding and all, was because you had feelings for me too, but you were afraid of getting hurt (or hurting me) and were sticking to your original plan. Maybe some of that is true, maybe it isn't, but if there's more standing in our way than your recent split with Johnathan, then all of that is misleading to me. As much as I regret saying it, we probably shouldn't do any of that anymore if there's no chance of a relationship. And yes, it really, really sucks saying that. I enjoy doing all of those things with you, but the reason I enjoy them is because I've always felt the feelings were mutual. Again, maybe they are, but it doesn't matter if I'm never gonna get a fair chance.

 

That's all I was looking for with you, babe: a chance. I've always had very strong feelings for you. And that's what's bothering me right now. I've never been able to be around you without having those feelings. You and I have chemistry I've never had with anyone. I've been happy, don't get me wrong, but I've never really "clicked" with anyone the way you and I do. You know what I mean, anyway, because it's not just me, it's both of us.

 

But right now, I'm struggling, wondering if I can just bottle all of this up (which is very out-of-character for me) and just be friends. I hope so, but I can't make any promises. It hurts to know there's yet another obstacle in the way, because there's always been one thing or another keeping me from having a shot with you. It hurts this time because I know it's something I can't change.

 

I wanna make one thing clear though: even though this hurts, it's not your fault at all. You've never been anything but honest with me, and I appreciate that more than words can express. You were upfront with me about everything, and you've never refused to answer a question when I've built up the nerve to ask. I don't regret spending time with you, nor do I regret anything we did together. In my opinion, it was time well spent. That's another reason this sucks, because you're pretty much the most awesome thing in my life right now, and while I could keep going like everything's okay, I'd have to be dishonest with you in order to do it. I said not too long ago that there's nothing I wouldn't do for you and the kids. Well, being dishonest with you and changing big pieces of who I am are two things I can't do.

 

I'm really sorry you feel that way about my lack of belief, but I understand why you do. Still, if you wanna talk more about it, I'm always willing. If there's something you don't understand or you just have questions, just ask me. Like I said, I don't try to push my beliefs on other people, and I'd never dare to think I could change yours. I wouldn't want to. But if the time comes that you'd like to give it a shot with me, I think it might be something we could work around. You may feel differently, but I'd still want to try if you were willing.

 

Still, I know that right now you're not looking for anything like that, so having that conversation just to keep my hope alive probably isn't even something you'd wanna do, considering that you've been pretty aggressively pushing me away. I've noticed, but I've just chalked it up to your disinterest in relationships in general. Saying things like I'll make someone else happy someday, that I shouldn't be wasting my time with you, etcetera etcetera... I didn't want to hear you say those things, because I was interested in you and you alone. Still am, if I'm perfectly honest. That's the way I've always been- one girl at a time.

 

I want you to know that I wasn't just saying all those nice things about you to try and weasel my way into your heart. I meant them. You're an amazing woman, Krystal. Johnathan was lucky to have you in his life for as long as he did, and I envy the man you eventually end up with. You're smarter, funnier, and more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. You have two wonderful children who have taught me that I'm not half bad with kids, and they're the luckiest kids in the world to have you as their mother. It's incredible that you're able to do all the things that you do, and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you for that. With all this considered, can you blame me for falling for you? I can't see how any man could help it. You should be treated like a queen every day of your life, and without batting an eye, I can promise you that I would have. In a less complicated world, under more ideal circumstances, I would have tried every day to make you the happiest woman in the world.

 

Please forgive me for writing this instead of saying it. You know me, I would have flubbed it.

 

I guess all that's left to do is to see where things go from here. Hopefully I'll talk to you soon.

 

Yours,

Chewy

 

------------

 

 

We texted for a while after she read the email earlier tonight. She was confused, and didn't know if I was saying I didn't want to hang out or talk anymore, and I told her that I wasn't sure about anything at this point, and that realizing I didn't have a chance of being with her was a pretty big blow for me. I told her that I still wanted to try, though, because I'm still her friend, even if I feel very strongly about her in a different way. She reverted back to her original rebuttals, like "I'm tainted, that part of me is dead, I don't deserve you..." and it confused me for a minute, because these are obstacles that can be overcome. She does deserve me. She deserves anyone she wants, because she's an amazing, beautiful woman. If only I could make her see that...

 

But then I remembered that while I might be past these rebuttals, because I know they're born of the pain of a breakup, she still is not. This is still how she feels, and she can't see past that. That's why she isn't going back to the religion thing, because that's not the immediate concern.

 

So to end the conversation for tonight, I told her that she wasn't losing me as a friend. I didn't lie, because no matter what happens, I'll still care about her and want her to be happy. The only thing I'm concerned about is how talking to her and being around her is going to make me feel, knowing that all of these strong emotions I have will eventually lead nowhere, and may only serve to make things awkward between us, when they were flowing so smoothly before.

 

I suppose I'm really just looking for advice. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that what seems to be the perfect woman for me is out of my reach, and that there will always be an obstacle preventing anything romantic from happening between us again. However, like I said, I still care about her on a personal level, and I don't want my feelings to prevent me from being there for her after she's come to depend on me so much.

 

Would it be wrong of me to retreat and lick my wounds? Or would continuing to be there for her be the right thing to do, even if it's torture for me? All this is pre-emptive, by the way, because I haven't even spoken to her since she went to bed earlier.

 

All comments are welcome. Thanks for reading this freakin novel!

[WockaWocka]

I read the whole thing. And I think you need to recognize that the "I'm tainted / that part of me is dead / I don't deserve you" and even the "I need my man to be religious" is basically a passive way of saying that she sees you as a rebound friend with benefits, not as a L-T prospect. She let you decide to wait for her because she enjoys your companionship during this difficult period in her life and because she wasn't quite sure how to tell you she'd never be ready for a relationship with you.

 

You said that you don't want this realization that there will never be a relationship to prevent you from being there for her. I think you need to take a step back here. Rather than trying to be the knight in shining armor to a princess who is only interested in being friends with benefits, I think you need to take a self-preservationist posture. What's best for you? Who will you have as a rebound when she decides she isn't too 'tainted' to be with some other guy she meets?

 

If you're being honest with yourself you will probably realize that you are incapable of being 'just friends' with her or just there for the breakup, because you're in love with her. And it hurts when those feelings aren't reciprocated. Not trying to be mean, just trying to help prevent a terrible fallout when this thing ends.

 

Take some time for yourself to grieve over the fact that this can only ever be a short-term thing. I'd say some wound-licking is in order. It hurts when someone we love can't or doesn't love us back. That's why there are so many of us here on ENA.

 

Also, by withdrawing for now you don't preclude the possibility of ever being together. Instead you can put the onus on her to decide. Once you remove the joy of your companionship she may rethink whether or not she's romantically interested in you. If she is then she knows where to find you. But in the meantime, give her some space to figure out what she really wants.

[chewy21]

Thanks for the reply, Wocka.

 

Honestly, the reason I haven't posted since the original post is because I've been with her or at work pretty much ever since. The next morning, after a pretty restless night, we were texting back and forth, and I asked myself a question: Why do I need the possibility of a relationship in order to be happy with her? Wasn't I happy before, just being with her?

 

I explored this a little, and came to the realization that I'm allowing something uncertain in the future control my happiness now. Not only that, but by expecting a relationship with her, I'm holding her hostage for my happiness. I decided that I could handle knowing that this wasn't going to end the way I would prefer. In the mean time, however, we both make each other happy, and I'm going to live in the present rather than the future.

 

I was wary about this, because I'm prone to rationalize to get what I want, even if it ends up being something that hurts me later. But, after really thinking it through, I had no change of heart. I care about her, yes. I might even love her. I loved her seven years ago, when she was dating her future husband, so that's a definite possibility. But, to me, part of caring for someone that much is wanting them to be happy, no matter what. I hope she finds what she's looking for, even if it's not with me.

 

The past couple of days, while a bit awkward at time since she's still worried about hurting me, have been great. It's nice to be around her without being constantly stressed about when she might be ready for a relationship, and whether or not my actions betray my true feelings. I also feel better because I'm being honest. She knows exactly how I feel about her now that all my cards are on the table.

 

I'm not dismissing any and all notions that we might end up together, because there's still a chance it could happen. Her feelings about what she wants will probably change several times as she deals with the emotions of her divorce. The difference here is that I'm not actively hoping that I end up being the guy for her. I don't need to be that guy the way I did a few days ago. If it happens, that's great. If it doesn't, that's fine as well. For now, I just want to be there for her as her friend, and enjoy her company as something a little more than a friend.

 

I still appreciate any opinions you guys may have, whether it's about the original post or the choice I ended up making, outlined in this post.

 

Thanks again, Wocka, I really do appreciate and value your insight. If for any reason I decide this isn't what I want, I'll definitely take your sound advice to heart.

[confuseddotcom]

IMO the path you have chosen has nothing but heartache for you. How do I know? Been there, done it. Never again!

[chewy21]

Eventually, you may be right, confused. However, I don't believe the joy and happiness in the mean time should be ignored. As I said, regardless of what eventually happens, I'm not going to let the future dictate my decisions or control my happiness. If it's heartache later, then it's something that will heal, just like everything else.

 

I'm not gonna stop drinking wine just because it eventually leads to headaches, and I'm not going to stop being happy with this woman just because it will eventually hurt. Thanks for the advice, though.