Why do I only attract men who have a history of dysfunctional relationships?

[sweet rhythms]

I've been seeing a therapist and have come to realize that I only attract emotionally damaged men with a history of dysfunctional and emotionally abusive relationships. Many of these men have been cheated on repeatedly.

 

I am a sincere, compassionate, trustworthy woman. I have never cheated on any of my partners and I am always open with my feelings. I also trust too easily and too quickly. I'm not perfect, obviously. I have dealt with my own emotional issues such as depression and anxiety.

 

I'm 24 and have thus far had four meaningful relationships, but have had casual flings, as well. I will use the past two men I've dated as examples.

 

Guy #1: Early 30's, I fell for him because he was a very talented writer, and he was charming and sweet to boot. He told me in the very beginning that he was physically abused by his mother as a child. This should have been a red flag for future behavior, but he had gone through therapy and I believed he had made peace with it. He was cheated on by an emotionally abusive woman who was manipulative and cold. She played games with him and got him hooked on drugs, an addiction he eventually overcame. The relationship ended when I found out he had an extremely obscure fetish (likely linked to his childhood experiences) and he later dumped me, claiming he didn't see a future for us, then went on to pursue the fetish and a relationship similar to one he had been in before.

 

Guy #2 (most recent): Early 30's, history of being cheated on. We were in an undefined relationship for close to a year because he claimed he couldn't commit to being my boyfriend due to his emotional issues. He admitted he was in a few very dysfunctional relationships and that at the time he thought he was in love, but only realized later that it was unhealthy and wasn't "real" love. He had told me I was the anomaly who broke through his defenses. In the end, another woman came along, one who happened to be very extremely selfish and cunning, and had a reputation for her manipulative behavior. He was seduced and although we haven't talked in weeks (I basically cut him out after I found out he made out with her behind my back), I can only assume he is pursuing her.

 

I realize I can't judge every man by the man who came before him, but this is clearly a pattern. I am trying to understand why they are drawn to me, only to leave me for a situation or person that reflects the same kind of dysfunction they have experienced in the past. I'm grappling with how to approach dating now, given I'm an extremely open person and I don't like to make snap judgments. I definitely don't have the desire to "fix" these men, rather I accept them for who they are. When I found out about Guy #1's fetish, I told him I would try and accommodate it as best I could. Perhaps I am subconsciously seeking these men out, but I can't fathom why.

[geekgirl4]

They're not choosing you, you're choosing them (or choosing to stay with them) so to be honest, you're the common denominator. I think it would be helpful to pick up on red flags and take them seriously when they occur. It's good to accept your partner for who they are but that doesn't mean you should accept red flags and let them steamroll over you until you're left with a terrible breakup. Be active and be conscious.

[sidehop]

It could be coincidence but if it's a pattern it could very well be you may be seeking or at least accepting these men with such behavior. What about the other two you didn't mention; were they like the two men you described?

[TakingtheBlame]

They're not choosing you, you're choosing them (or choosing to stay with them) so to be honest, you're the common denominator. I think it would be helpful to pick up on red flags and take them seriously when they occur. It's good to accept your partner for who they are but that doesn't mean you should accept red flags and let them steamroll over you until you're left with a terrible breakup. Be active and be conscious.

 

This.

 

And I just want to add that men like this likely approach everyone (or at least a significant portion of the female population) but women with healthy self esteem don't stick around and let these guys waste their time. It sounds like you are so compassionate that you are willing to overlook red flags and bend to accommodate these broken guys, which takes away time from you which could be better spent working on your own self worth or seeking more healthy men. Also, I wonder if the fact that you are willing to stick around these people and bend to their will is a symptom of low self confidence, and this may be radiating from you in the way you carry yourself and interact with men, and may be repelling guys who are more confident and emotionally stable and seeking a similarly wired girl.

[sweet rhythms]

This.

 

And I just want to add that men like this likely approach everyone (or at least a significant portion of the female population) but women with healthy self esteem don't stick around and let these guys waste their time. It sounds like you are so compassionate that you are willing to overlook red flags and bend to accommodate these broken guys, which takes away time from you which could be better spent working on your own self worth or seeking more healthy men. Also, I wonder if the fact that you are willing to stick around these people and bend to their will is a symptom of low self confidence, and this may be radiating from you in the way you carry yourself and interact with men, and may be repelling guys who are more confident and emotionally stable and seeking a similarly wired girl.

 

Wow, I never thought about it that way. I am not as confident as I could be, I admit. I have battled depression and cutting, but have gotten past all of that with the help of my therapy and my own desire to be healthy.

 

I don't believe I project an image of low self esteem, although I think I used to in the past, when I was dealing with my emotional issues. I think I was so willing to overlook the problems these men had because of the connection I felt with them. The most recent guy and I got along so well, we were finishing each other's sentences and were so comfortable spending time together. I suppose I need to look inwards and figure out why I go for these guys so I can learn to seek healthier, more satisfying relationships. Thanks for your input!

[geekgirl4]

I think I was so willing to overlook the problems these men had because of the connection I felt with them. The most recent guy and I got along so well, we were finishing each other's sentences and were so comfortable spending time together.

 

This is something to be careful about. Just because you two connect well and are comfortable doesn't always overcome red flags the guy has. Everybody has at least one great thing to offer, but that one thing isn't enough to make a relationship healthy and last. My theory is that you have the potential to be happy with many many people, but its whether that happiness will last is the real question. Sure, those connections held the relationship for a while in the beginning, but it always fell apart for you, right? Guy#2 told you he can't commit but you held on to that relationship anyway, all the while holding this red flag that he openly admitted, leaving you with inevitable heartbreak. Have confidence in yourself. You're worth more than staying with a guy who makes you unhappy just because he has a few good points. At that point, its like you're willing to settle with anybody. You deserve to be with someone wonderful, not with someone who's just enough.