My "Friend" is Dating My Ex and Doesn't Know I KNOW. What Do I Do Now??

[cardinalsings]

So, I wrote a post not long ago that explains what I've been going through:

 

 

It talks about how I discovered my ex and my "friend" are going out and she is his new girlfriend. I recently saw a facebook photo of them attending an event and my ex was tagged in it. In the photo, she is in front of him and he is picking her up. After a few hours of the photo being up, my ex untagged himself. He NEVER untags himself from photos so I believe the reason for his actions had to do with hiding it from me. I wonder if he wanted to untag it or if my "friend" (his gf) asked him to untag himself so I wouldn't see. I've also seen some other photos from the event with them dancing in the background from a mutual friend's facebook page.

 

I went to my work's softball game the other day and finally saw my "friend" for the first time since the last time we spoke in December when she came to work an event for the company and we discussed the break up. At the game, things seemed awkward at first until she finally started speaking to me and being nice to me. I tried to feel it out to see what I should say and do. I decided to pretend not to know anything and see if she would try to deceive me, act like she is my friend and not tell me she is with my ex of four years. Well....she did in fact pretend to be my friend. We chatted about everything but boys on the train home together. She listened intently to me and she gave advice on work and other topics and I did the same with her. She acted like my friend which makes me so sick as to how she did a good job of acting comfortable around me...maybe she even IS be comfortable around me despite what she is doing behind my back. Even as she was leaving, she said we'd talk before the next game....which is something friends say to each other....as if we may "hang out."

 

I left the whole experience of the day with her feeling confused, upset, emotional, pissed and worried. Worried of what she thinks of me now and if she is judging me in a new light because her boyfriend dated me for four years and it only ended five months ago....worried of what my ex told her about me, worried if she finds me insecure, nervous, not very pretty, not very smart, etc....And I left it wondering what's wrong with her that she didn't confess anything to me, is continuing to act like my friend and is being so nice to me....because does she really believe that we will remain on good terms once I "know"? Does she really not feel terrible that she is going out with my ex and doing this to me when I obviously consider her a friend? I'm even more disgusted with human beings now and with her for actually putting on this act and not TALKING to me about it. She is so deceitful in such a nice, warm manner that it's hard to see through and terrifies me how she can be so good at being deceitful. And if she genuinely thinks I won't mind too much I think that is nuts to assume! It's not like I dated him for a few months. FOUR YEARS.

 

So, I don't know what my next move should be. I was actually hoping that if I was nice to her, seemed like I didn't know anything at all, continued acting like I consider us good friends, and told her that I miss her and miss us talking and hanging out that maybe she would feel really guilty about what she is doing. But I don't know if she does or will...........Especially since she has the nerve and guts to come to the softball games knowing I am playing....it's like she is fearless of me and what she is doing.

 

Do I continue this charade for one more softball game and then after next week lay it on thick for her and say that someone told me they are dating?....since I don't want to appear like a facebook stalker and like I have been caring too much in case it gets back to my ex and then boosts his ego. Do I try to ask her to hang out and see a movie we were talking about just to further make her feel worse for when I finally confront her since she is hiding from me and being so friendly?

 

And finally, once I do have the talk with her....what in the world do I say? I need a lot of advice and ideas so please anything you can tell me about what you think could be going through her head, why you think she isn't confessing and is acting like my friend, whether you think she may feel guilty, whether I should continue to act like we are still good friends to make her feel worse that I know nothing, and what you think I should say once I confront her? I need a LOT OF ADVICE. Thank you SO MUCH!

[PaintWithLight]

Why do you feel that you need to confront her about this? This is no doubt an awkward situation for both of you. You make an interesting comment "she pretended to still be my friend" as if she is responsible for breaking up your relationship? Is she truly a "friend" or just someone you work with from time to time? Has she even been a guest in your home? Have you vacationed with her? I am just trying to get you to look at this as level-headed as possible. I know you are hurt and outraged but making her connection with you into something more than it is will not help you. You even admit that they make a good match.

 

You are broken up with him. He is free to date who he wants and if you want to clear the air, how about you taking the high road yourself. Tell her that - it looks like you are dating "Joe" and I hope things work out for the two of you. Of course, you realize this means that we may not be able to be as close as before. I just wanted to talk with you and put everything out in the open. There, done! Instead of being a facebook stalker, you are instead one classy and upfront woman.

 

If you know something then talk with her about it instead of laying traps for her to see if she "confesses to you". You are doing way too many mind games about what she is thinking and what he has told her. I know that it stings to see him with someone new but he obviously pursued her. Maybe they are trying their best to be respectful and keep their relationship quiet until more time has passed. Look at it another way, she is not rubbing your face in it and perhaps is trying to be as kind to you as possible. They did not attend your softball game and make out the whole time you were at bat, correct?

 

Life is too short, let him go. The 4 years that you keep referencing is dead and gone. You have an exciting and wonderful future ahead, please move towards that. Good luck.

[PaintWithLight]

Also, you need to block him and her from Facebook. 5 months or 15 months later, you are going to remain stuck in pain if you do not begin No Contact and start rebuilding your life and healing. First step is the admission that you are obsessed and have been stalking him on Facebook. This is not healthy. Let it go. Quit trying to monitor and control his life post-breakup. You two are independent people now and looking back, that 4 year relationship was not quite healthy was it?

 

Please, you are your own worst enemy here. Practice grace and forgiveness and it will come back to you.

[charity]

i agree with this. you say she is manipulative and you can't believe she is so deceitful but you are doing the same. you are not being honest. you are being sneaky, checking up on them, not confronting the situation. its been 5 months. he has left enough time before moving on with her for this not to be considered 'disrespectful'.

i know you are hurt. but you are feeding this anger and pain and completely focused on NOT getting over him.

[catfeeder]

[…] So, I don't know what my next move should be. I was actually hoping that if I was nice to her, seemed like I didn't know anything at all, continued acting like I consider us good friends, and told her that I miss her and miss us talking and hanging out that maybe she would feel really guilty about what she is doing. […]

 

In other words, should you pull off the kind of deception you're assigning to her in order to get close enough to manipulate her?

 

This is a coworker who remains kind at face value. That's all that's required of a coworker. You don't see her much, and when you do, it's in your best interests to be civil, go about your business--and mind your own business.

 

If you attempt anything beyond that, you'll hang yourself. Mixing your private life into work activities is as risky and as unwise as it gets--unless you want your workplace to become a living hell.

 

Hold your head high, and walk forward.

[LostOne01]

Hello, ma'am. I've read your thread and I must say I feel sorry for what you're going through.

 

 

 

If she was direct with you about her screwing your ex it would still offend you. That is why your best bet is to cut her off and start healing. I also highly suggest never mixing your personal life with your professional life. It complicates things. If you see her at work, avoid her at all costs and if you must, dismiss her when she corners you.

 

 

 

Just keep venting and try to heal from this by taking small steps everyday.

 

Both of them knew it was wrong but like all others who are selfish, they didn't care. Real friends don't date their friend's exes. She was never a real friend to you.

 

 

 

Your next move would be to isolate yourself from her, from the whole situation, if you have any plans on healing. If you see her, be civil and keep it moving.

 

 

 

You'll only be hurting yourself more by trying to play mind games with her, considering she's trying to b*lls*t around the bush like you're dumb. Just cut her off completely and find real friends and a better partner to be with. Because confronting her will only stall your recovery.

[cardinalsings]

I don't know....I think I have a right to say SOMETHING. I confided personal details about my relationship with my ex, I considered her a friend and she treats me like we are. She betrayed me and that trust. I don't find that me pretending not to know is THAT deceitful and the same as her pretending she isn't going out with my ex of four years. And four years is a long time and shouldn't be glossed over because it's been five months since the break up....first off, they started dating I believe in February making it only three months. And if not, five months is hardly enough time to already be in a Relationship with someone who was my "friend" and for HIM, it seems like lunacy because of how cautious and how he likes to flirt and date many girls at once before he picks one. It seems rash and desperate on his part AND hers.

 

I absolutely have the right to say something to her. I have been thinking about letting her know that she has really hurt me by doing this and I consider it a betrayal because I thought we were friends, that she is unclassy and tasteless and clearly settled on him because she has been too desperate for too long, that it seems rash on his part, that she is deceitful for being friendly with me meanwhile doing this behind my back, and then wish her luck with THAT. I am at my job much more than she is and people at work don't look kindly upon my ex so hopefully, they won't look kindly upon her for going out with him and doing that to me. She knew what she was doing and getting into and there is no reason to be merciful and forgiving of a deceitful and crazy person who would go out with my ex knowing how that might hurt me and cause a messy, embarassing situation for both of us.

[cardinalsings]

You know, I think I should even write on her facebook wall that it was fun hanging out and I'll see her soon in case she failed to mention to my ex that she chatted up with me like we were friends. Maybe they'll both feel like deceitful sneaky *******s because of it. Because they should. And it seems they are trying to hide it so someone is somewhat ashamed or even both are feeling a bit guilty about their actions and what it will mean once I "know." Might pack more of a punch if I keep being friendly like I don't know- even publicly friendly on facebook.

[PaintWithLight]

Wow. Two words. Calm down. Please calm down and see if you do this, you are the one that will end up looking like the bitter, scorned EX. It hurts when you are dumped and left by your partner. But now is the time for you to work on yourself. Starting a campaign to turn people against her at work is unwise and will only boomerang on you.

 

It is okay to come here and rant and get things off of your chest. But going over and over the time frame involved will not change the math. He doesn't want to be with you any longer. He has moved on. You do not make the rules for his life. The only thing you can control is your own future and the good decisions you make while you heal. Going off on a rampage on the new girlfriend will not give you any peace of mind. You will heal much faster if you just let this go. Please, you are in pain but this is a very bad idea, especially in the workplace.

[cardinalsings]

This is not about him having a girlfriend or not wanting to be with me. It's about her and her being my friend and me confiding in her and him KNOWING that I consider her a friend and knowing it would hurt me to go after her. But they both did it anyway like selfish jerks.

[PaintWithLight]

Yes they are selfish. Yes this is traumatic, painful and unfair. You have mentioned in your other threads that he was your first love and you knew his dark side but never dreamed he would betray you in this way. So, yes, it is all about him and his having a new girlfriend.

 

Feel the anger and then let it go. You have been struggling with these horrible feelings since you first stalked him and discovered this on Facebook. Bringing your mental struggle into real life by confronting her or activating the workplace gossip mill is not going to take away the sting. It will only provide more drama and an equal reaction against you.

 

Please do not do this. The fantasy of the moment of retaliation is a lie. What brings peace is you finding your own path and your own future.

[cardinalsings]

Ok, then how do you suggest I handle if she tells me they are dating?

 

And also, I feel that if she doesn't, I should at least ask, right? At least so I am more justified for when I defriend her on facebook..................I should have something prepared to say for when she says she is in fact dating him. But then who knows if she would make up what I said when she speaks to my ex. Because what if I take the high road and say go ahead, he sucks so it doesn't bother me....and she tells him I went off on her or seemed upset? I hope she would say that I told her it doesn't bother me so that maybe he will wonder why and perhaps think I have changed and am a more classy, strong person. Maybe that way I won't be able to boost his ego and may leave him also wondering about me? Especially for not making a huge deal out of it as he probably thought I might.

[PaintWithLight]

I would suggest avoiding her at work and give the whole thing more time to play out. Heck, they could break up in the next few weeks. Distance yourself from his love life and her love life. You are consumed with your exciting new life instead. Believe me if you stay away from them, the situation will not easily present itself for some kind of in your face revelation.

 

However it plays out, you are forewarned and have dealt with the surprise and shock already. You want to be neutral and calm. You do not want to play the part of the jealous EX.

 

If she tells you: "Okay, well I hope that works out for you...."

If someone at work tell you: "Oh really? Well, I honestly don't keep track of him much anymore...."

 

You will find your own words when the time comes. Do not lash out or say "he sucks". Just get this moment passed as quickly as possible. Chances are they will not be together forever and really, it is not your concern. You are busy with your own life. Good luck!

[LostOne01]

Don't worry about what they're saying or thinking about you. Let them do whatever they want because they're selfish. Why do you need them to tell you they are fooling around with each other? You'll only be putting yourself in a more painful position. You must focus on moving on and ignoring them, otherwise you'll be stuck and it won't be no one's fault but yours. She's not a true friend to you for doing this, we know that and we know it hurts. But you gotta stop having so many thoughts about what if they say this or do that.

[twitchyfingers]

I think you've decided you're entitled to certain considerations that you simply aren't. Your ex has been broken up with you for over 5 months, correct? He is free to date whomever he pleases, and it's not really your say who he chooses.

 

You are "awfulizing" the situation because you think you've marked your territory with this guy by having spoken about him with a co-worker. She obviously is only a casual work acquaintance whom you chose to confide in. I think the lesson here is to keep your personal life out of the workplace, so you don't feel your confidences are betrayed later on.

 

Your best move at this point is to accept that your ex has moved on, and with someone you may have to deal with once in a while, and just conduct yourself with dignity. Your co-worker doesn't owe you an explanation, nor does your ex. Sure, you can always just ask her, but you don't have the right to be all enraged if you hear that they are an item.

[catfeeder]

[...] Your co-worker doesn't owe you an explanation, nor does your ex. Sure, you can always just ask her, but you don't have the right to be all enraged if you hear that they are an item.

 

Great post. Raises the question, why even ask? The coworker isn't deceiving you by -not- rubbing your nose in this, so why set yourself up for that?

 

As you've said earlier, you have a 'right' to do anything you want. That doesn't make it smart, and it doesn't mean you've got anything to gain by it. You've got everything to gain by leaving this alone. If you want to be perceived as a class act, then continue your tacit agreement to skip the subject. If anyone raises it with you, be gracious and wish them the best of luck.

 

We all wish the best for you, and you're wise for playing this out here before behaving in ways you'll only regret later.

 

You can do this.

[LostOne01]

But if that person is supposed to be your best friend, messing around with their exes is pretty disrespectful. Seeing the one person who did that everyday causes a lot of triggers and pain. Sure she cannot control them, but that does not mean she has no right to be pissed about it. She has feelings and she was betrayed. She has a right to those feelings. I'm sure you'd be pretty angry if you found out someone who's supposed to be your friend is off boning your ex.

 

And OP just be glad you know now what type of person she really is instead of finding out later on.

[twitchyfingers]

The co-worker in question is NOT a best friend by any means. The OP doesn't even see her on a regular basis. Please re-read the thread more carefully.

[LostOne01]

The co-worker in question is NOT a best friend by any means. The OP doesn't even see her on a regular basis. Please re-read the thread more carefully.

 

But she said she was a friend to her.

[C_Unknown2005]

Like what many have said on her already, block them out of your life. I mean facebook, email, delete their numbers, focus on you. Its going to be hard man but find the strength, find good people to talk to, hang out with. Im still healing and let me tell you I have my days. But as long as you stay out of their lives and focus on yours you will be making so much progress.

 

C

[twitchyfingers]

In the OP's own words, from another thread on this topic:

 

a girl who I consider a friend although we don't exactly hang out unless we see each other at our job on rare rare occasions...

 

So, not a best friend, but a co-worker she is friendly with, and had spoken to about her boyfriend.

 

I can see how cardinal is upset by the turn of events; it SUCKS when an ex moves on when we haven't. Some of us here are just trying to put things in context so she can keep things in perspective, and roll with the punches without beating herself up.

[LostOne01]

In the OP's own words, from another thread on this topic:

 

 

 

So, not a best friend, but a co-worker she is friendly with, and had spoken to about her boyfriend.

 

But was still a friend nonetheless.

 

I can see how cardinal is upset by the turn of events; it SUCKS when an ex moves on when we haven't. Some of us here are just trying to put things in context so she can keep things in perspective, and roll with the punches without beating herself up.

 

Agreed.