Silverbirch and Fellow-Travellers Journey

[Silverbirch]

Hello! Today, to help me start my journal coherently, I am posting something somebody else wrote which is a favourite of mine and gets me thinking every time I read it. Sometimes it seems to me that I make the same mistakes over and over before I seem to learn anything. Please feel free to post a reply. Anyway, here it is:

 

 

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk, by Portia Nelson

 

or

 

Life in Five Short Chapters

 

 

Chapter 1.

 

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…

I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

 

 

Chapter 2.

 

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I cant believe I am in this same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

 

Chapter 3.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in… its a habit.

But, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

 

Chapter 4.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

 

Chapter 5.

 

I walk down another street.

[Silverbirch]

I'm a mature-aged female, trying to work at adjusting to my recent changed situation. Around 15th March,,I'd say I got dumped by my partner of 4 years. I feel stunned and have grieved badly. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man and that I had met my soulmate, loved him very deeply and thought he loved me.

 

I'm not saying that the relationship was perfect. There had been a lot of stress put on the relationship due to the very bitter relationship he has with his ex-wife and the effect this has had on their two children, aged 17 and 19. About a year ago, he became completely estranged from his 17 year old daughter, and he was heartbroken about this and things she has said and done. I think that my ex and the mother of his children have both used their children to get at each other even though neither of them would admit it even to themselves. He recently found out about something extremely hateful that his ex-wife and daughter said about him, and I saw and felt a change in him. There were other things going on in his life too. He had to abandon his pHd after spending several years on this thesis, has lots of money and health problems. The thing is - I loved him and accepted all of that.

 

Anyway, 5 weeks ago, I knew he was very unhappy and asked him if he would speak to me about it. That's when he dropped the bombshell. He told me firstly that it wasn't that he was unhappy with me, it was those things in his life. Then in the next sentence, he said we should have time apart, then he didn't know if I was right for him and that he really didn't know if he wanted to spend his life with me so he wanted "to think things out objectively about any future of the relationship with time apart." He also gave me a long list of my defects. Says there is more, but this will do for now. He wanted me to go to dinner with him for his birthday as that had been pre-planned. (He has just turned 50). Said his other friends all let him down. I went, but couldn't bring myself to go to the family birthday party. He has had brief contact with me since then, and each time, I've come away feeling very badly.

 

I have found his behaviour quite outrageous. I struggle to believe this is all happening. I had brief contact with his sister just prior to the family birthday. I told her very briefly that he had wanted time apart. Her response was that he hadn't told her, and that was a very personal matter between him and me. Said she has to be very careful around him due to him calling her "the family organiser" in a manner not meant as a compliment., that she knows he has been depressed about his children.

 

I still have texts from a couple of weeks prior to this from him telling me he loved and adored me.

 

The worst part of this is that around 5 years ago, something very similar to this happened with another man I had been with for 10 years. In each case, it has happened just before the man turned 50. In the earlier case, it turned out there were other women. My self-esteem took a real battering from that. I just thought this man I had most recently been with was different and that what we had was real and meaningful.

 

I'm going to go home and stay with my mum for a week in the next month.

[Silverbirch]

Around 10 days after being dumped, I ran into an old female friend in the street. She told me that another good friend of ours - the 3 of us have known each other 20 years - was dying from lymphoma. I got myself to the hospital the next day and was able to spend time with her, and even gave her foot massages with some lavender oil which she said really helped her a lot. Every visitor who came, the first thing she would say was "I love you", and she would say it again when each of us left. She passed away a bit more than a week ago, and the funeral was on Thursday. She was way too good and young to die. Compared to her death, my bust-up with this man who I believe now just used me, is really not worth the pain and wasting of my time on earth. I saw quite a few women there who I used to be good friends with and they were all amazing to each other. My friend who passed away, organised for something really lovely to be read at her funeral. I've read it over and over, and will post it here. It's very relevant to relationships.

 

With my friends illness and death, I realised something about myself which is not nice. I have been a shabby friend to my female friends. Each of the 2 times a man came into my life, without intending to, bit by bit, I saw less of them. Without me intending to do so, the man's life became more important than mine. In the last relationship, I used to meet up with these women every week, and on that night, he asked me to look after his children while he worked, saying he would be home in time for me to go and meet up with my friends at a spiritual/philosophy study group. Well, of course, he always came home late, and my study group went by the by. Funny that, he thought I was the perfect woman for me while his children were growing up and he needed someone to care for them and take them to doctors while he worked and also wrote his thesis. I could say more, but I would only appear bitter like him and his ex-wife, and I don't know that it would help me to feel better. More importantly, my friends have all been glad to see me again, and accepting and forgiving of my absence.

 

I hope I can be a better person from this. I aim now to be a better friend, daughter, sister, mother. Never, ever again, will a relationship with a man - if I EVER decide to have one again - get in the way of my other relationships.

 

Even though I have had crying still - mostly when I am in my car - I think I'm getting better. I think I'm coming out of the fog of denial, and actually wanting to be moving on with my life. These last couple of weeks, even though I've tried my best, my home and my car have gotten very messy and unorganised. At least I've fed, and spent some time with my mini zoo of pets.

 

I've done a small thing also which I'm enjoying and I'm feeling good from it. I'm re-decorating my bedroom! I haven't spent LOTS of money, but I'm decorating it all in my very own taste. I've also bought a feather down doona and the loveliest cover and pillow cases, some lamps and bits and pieces. I've been meaning to do some decorating for sometime, but been too busy.

 

I've decided that I'm going to make my home really cosy, and maybe entertain close friends at home more.

 

I've also contacted another group of women friends and we are hoping to organise a lunch or dinner to catch up. One of the women went overseas for a while, another had a child, and another besides me also had a big bust-up, but now with somebody else. Might sound silly, but when I used to meet with them, they reminded me of "Sex in the City" - sharing of laughter, naughtiness, tears, highs and lows. It will be so good to catch up. I am now going to be positive.

[Silverbirch]

I’ve felt sad about something that some people wouldn’t understand. My ex has a lovely old dog. She is a border collie who was the family dog, and she now lives with him. As with the children, he and his ex-wife even used the dog to get back at each other. Anyway, this dog just LOVED me, and I miss her a lot. She has arthritis, and sadly due to my ex not taking her for walks, spends most of her days indoors.

 

A little over a year ago, I moved out of the ex's home as he was having major issues with his daughter. I thought that if I moved, their relationship might improve. However, the opposite happened. Things came to a head between them in less than 3 months, and he told her she would have to go and live with her mother exclusively (she hasn't spoken to him since).

 

Anyway, I found a place to live on a property outside of the city and brought my horses and other furry companions with me. Sometimes I would bring my ex's border collie out here with me to stay. When she is here with me, she is like a much younger dog. She would be probably the most intelligent dog I have ever known. When I say to her: "Come on, we have work to do", I am sure she understands. She gives an excited bark, and then follows, keeping me company while I complete some task in the paddock.

 

I am missing her very much, and as I am not working this weekend, am thinking I would like to have her here with me for a day and night. My ex did suggest it last time I saw him so I think he would be likely willing for me to take her. I could likely swing it with very little contact with him, and know that I would like to do this for me, the dog, and my own dog who loves her to bits - certainly not to see my ex. Even if I do see him, now that the fog is well and truly lifting, I believe common sense will prevail, and I'll likely see him in a much different light to as I saw him while I was with him.

 

I don't think this dog has a lot of time left in her and she is just a loyal and loving pet, I'd like to enjoy what time I might have with her which is what I should have done with my female friends. When I really think it out, despite the fact that I'm missing her (the border collie) a lot, I'm not ready for ANY contact involving the ex. I will wait for some time, and am committed to absolute NC for at least one month. I have a dog, 2 cats and 2 ponies who give me great joy, companionship and love.

 

Originally, I had very LC with my ex, and this mostly was related to some of my property which is still in his home. When we last spoke, I put on hold taking any more of it away from his home. It is too distressing for me right now, but I just told him that with my pending interstate trip and things I need to do, I would prefer to wait until I came back. He suggested that at some point, he could bring it to my home and that it would be 4 car loads. He did give me various options, and it was me who had said I should take all of my things so he hasn't been nasty about it. It's definitely something I will have to do at some point.

 

I almost made it through yesterday without crying, but then last night on my way home from work, I had a good cry. I'm fairly certain this is because usually I would either see him after work, stay the night or at least we would telephone each other. Also, the music on the radio or my current CD collection makes me teary. I'll go through my CD collection today and pull out some dance music. Trying to think out some other things I can do to fill the void left at that time of the evening I used to spend with him.

 

Embarrassingly, I woke up this morning, wishing I was with him and that all was like it was in our much happier times. Fairly certain I dreamed about him. I can definitely distinguish the difference between my heart and head talking to me and try and step back a bit when the head talk starts. So this morning, it was my heart.

 

 

I'm going to read and think out what Budhism says about unhealthy attachments. This morning, I'm aware of still having an attachment to him, and also that attachment is not something which is healthy for me as a person. I think I might also benefit from the Budhist principles of "letting go" and "letting people go on their own journey".

[Silverbirch]

My BEAUTIFUL friend Helen who passed away from lymphoma recently, had chosen to have this read at her funeral. I love it, and it's very relevant for me and lots here, not just in relation to losing Helen, but with regard to relationships and loss.

 

 

 

People Come Into Your Life For A Reason

 

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.


When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.



 

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.



 

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end......

Sometimes they die.... Sometimes they walk away.... Sometimes they act up and force you to take stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.


 

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season .



 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.



 

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

[Silverbirch]

I'm trying really hard, but right now it's a struggle. I am feeling so engulfed with grief and can't seem to accept it's over. What's even worse is the thought that he maybe never loved me or certainly doesn't anymore. I'm trying to remind myself that emotions are transient. I likely won't feel this way forever even though right now it feels like I will never get over this break-up. Don't feel at risk of NC. God, I wouldn't want him to see me like this.

[Silverbirch]

Last night felt as though I had made 2 steps forward and 5 back. This morning I decided that it's time I formally make that list of his good and bad points so that I can see things with clarity and refer back to it when I'm feeling down. Last night, was even hoping for a reconciliation. Well when I began to write the list this morning, it reminded me of what a difficult person he is, and how it is only his superficial relationships which seem okay. Everyone who has been close to him has been subjected to his misery and his outright refusal to ever look at, let alone acknowledge his contribution to disharmony in relationships.

 

I made contact with friends last night, and meeting Anne on Saturday. She is a good friend of Helen's and struggling to come to terms with Helen's death. I'm positive that Helen would be so glad that Anne and I are in contact and have offered to help each other through the sadness of Helen's passing. I first met Anne around 20 years ago. She also was a good friend of Helen's, and I really just saw her when Helen and friends got together. We do have a lot in common though. Anne has been given some small items belonging to Helen - books and ornaments and wants me to select what I would like to keep. Also, Helen was a gifted artist, and had planned to exhibit her work, but it didn't happen before she passed away. Her daughter is going ahead with it. Anne and I and other friends of Helen's are going to do what we can to help make it a success. Helen would be so chuffed!

 

I also contacted 2 other friends of Helen's - Rose, who she had gone to teacher's college with and Helen K. who I just having been able to get a hold of. Rose was pleased I rang. She got a bad flu the day after Helen's funeral, and I know Helen K. is struggling. Helen K and I have been friends a long time. In fact, I introduced the 2 Helen's to each other. Those 2 were true partners in crime - both very outgoing and flamboyant.

 

Wish I didn't have to go to work today, but I have so much to do there. At least I don't have to work over the weekend.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Wager and Wilyone. Not sure what happened to your posts!! But a big thank you. Could I have done something or could there be something on my settings causing them not to show. I saw them here around an hour ago?

[Wager]

Hi! This is typed from my phone so please excuse the typos sure to result I think maybe what is happening is that you're seeing your posts all together and as a result, possibly thinking there are replies on one thread that might be found on another. At least that's my guess as I do not typically post in a blog, so I am thinking mine is elsewhere. In fact, I will delete this one off your blog as soon as we get this figured out! Hope you are doing well! Rooting for you, as always! Wager

[Silverbirch]

Yes, you are right Wager. I was confused between the 2 posts. Will it be okay to post on this one now. I just posted on the other one but will do a copy, post it here and try to stay over here. Thanks and hope you have a nice Easter.

[Silverbirch]

I did really open my heart to this man. That was after he professed his undying love for me. I'd had what I thought was a friendship with him and was ready to move out of his world to pursue other things. If he ever did love me, then he has certainly fallen "out of love". The love I understand has more depth than what he is demonstrating. He was with his ex-wife for 26 years. He claims to have been "in love" with her for the first couple of years. Guess what, he claims all of the problems in the marriage were her fault. I never heard him say that he missed her, but I heard a lot of complaints about his change in lifestyle - his ex-wife had a lot of money, and took it all with her when she left. He freely says that he took for granted just being able to go out and buy what he wanted without having to think too much about money when he was married. He currently has financial problems he likely won't be able to ever resolve.

 

I recall that before I entered the relationship with him, there was a possible red flag I thought about and discussed with him. That was that he had begun a career in law, then left saying he was disillusioned with law, and moved into psychology. I remember thinking that if I was to ever clash with him, I would be up against a person very skilled in arguing, who also had high abilities in understanding how people tic. I knew that there was, and will be, in every relationship he has, the potential for overwhelming psychological and emotional power imbalance in his "favor."

 

At the risk of sounding like someone from a soap opera, the lyrics of an old favourite song spring to mind "Those of us who win the game lose the love they sought to gain."

 

I've been a bit up and down. Definitely better at work although I'm often wishing I could go home when I'm there. I've got this ache in my chest and the top of my back is sore. If it wasn't a holiday season here with many of the stores closed, I'd go and have a massage.

 

I know I'm whinging a lot. In one of my more positive moments last night, I was thinking about all of the good things I have in my life - there are many. I should write a list and read them every day. i really don't want to succumb to depression and hopelessness.

[Silverbirch]

I was on my way to work today when a really nice text came through on my phone. It was from a friend named David. He is my farrier, and excellent horseman and horse handler. He's one of those people who the animals follow. He had been coming out to care for my horses over the last year, and a friendship started to develop a couple of months ago through chatting together while he was working on the horses. My housemate Harry and his girlfriend Karen joke that "David has the hots for me" which I take more as their style of good-naturedness in trying to cheer me up, with Karen adding "You could do a lot worse than him - he's alright!" Harry and Karen said that it should only take David around 40 minutes to work on my horses, but when he comes out here, he's here for a couple of hours. David does howwever call me "Mate" which I somehow don't think is an indicator that he has any type of romantic interest in me. When he was last out here maybe 2 weeks ago, he knew something was wrong by my red eyes, and he talked to me. Funny that he rang me out of the blue a couple of days after the ex dumped me saying just to say hello as I'm a friend and all and to see how I am. I didn't tell him of course what had happened, but it almost seemed clairvoyant as I really was in a bad way.

 

Since I last saw him, he has texted and emailed me a couple of times. I'm not saying I'm interested in him or anyone else, but he is certainly appearing to be a much nicer friend to me than the ex. He goes out and does work on "Rescue Ponies" - ones which have been badly neglected and their hooves are in a very bad way, and are suffering from a potentially condition called laminitis (similar to diabetes in humans). Usually, these ponies are difficult to handle because firstly, their hooves are very painful, and also they often haven't had human handling for some time. He was saying to me a while back that it would be good to have an extra set of hands to help him when he goes out to certain new "patients" - someone to calm and soothe them while he works on their hooves. Of course I immediately volunteered to help! He shows me photos on his mobile (cell) phone of horses and ponies he is working with as well as his own each time he comes out. I really enjoy his visits. He was also telling me last time that one of his hobbies is flying - he has a pilots licence. Well, I've decided if he invites me out for a joy flight, I'm going.

 

I haven't heard from the ex. There isn't an arrangement of NC, but I decided I won't contact him. When he told me that he decided he wanted a "break to consider our relationship objectively to see if there is a future in it", he gave all the bull about me being his best friend and how he still wanted me, not only in his life, but very prominently in his life (yeah sure, especially if he doesn't find another "better" woman), he hasn't contacted me for quite some time now - maybe 3 weeks. He knows about Helen passing away. I've decided that if he doesn't make any contact with me over Easter, it will be much easier to WIPE him. I know that he will for sure be contacting and texting other people,and if I don't figure in his life enough for that then I won't WANT to figure in his life.

 

Yesterday, I was at the shops for something quite mundane. I walked past this ladies clothing store when I saw this red dress out the front of the store. Even though I'm a paddock girl, my sisters and I (I have 3 sisters) have always been women who love nice clothes. I didn't resist the temptation to try it on. It looked good, but I decided not to buy it just yet. I am after all saving to go home and for a trip at the end of the year. Still, I knew when I tried that dress on, that one day, maybe not a long time in the future, I'm going to want to get dressed up and go out again, and there's a chance that I'm going to smile and be happy again!

 

Well, if I don't have contact with any of you again before Easter, I hope you all have a peaceful and contented Easter.

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch!

 

To address your question first about posting – it is completely up to you. I will happily respect whichever direction you wish to go. If you want to keep your journal unremarked upon, I can easily turn my comments to the other thread. If you do not mind feedback inside your blog postings, I will continue to place mine here. Whatever works for you works for me!

 

In the interim, I will post here for the sake of keeping it simple. I have avidly followed your comments from my phone even when I was unable to comment on them. I think you are doing fabulously, absolutely smashingly, and I would not falsely encourage you if I were not sincerely impressed.

 

You are such a scrapper! No matter what has been put in your path, you continue to solider on, fiercely and fearlessly. This is not to say you have not had moments of repose that brought you pain or pause, and while I am unendingly sympathetic to you, I include those spells as well in noting you as a true inspiration. If you did not experience them, as I have stated before, I would be worried that you were not dealing with them. Instead, you are facing them head-on, reacting genuinely and organically to them, and then moving right along, precisely as you should do!

 

You are unmistakably a person with a great and generous heart, who loved truly and deeply, regardless if that devotion was deserved by its recipient. It cannot be expected of you, then, that you could merely flip a switch and shut off your passion and the emotions inherent to it simply because the beneficiary does not warrant your effort and consideration. I loathe that you must suffer even a moment of doubt and misery, but I cannot see a way around such feelings, either, unfortunately.

 

The best we can hope for is that you are strong enough to endure the pain and frustration that will inescapably plague you until you have purged this person from your heart, mind and life, and I am so proud of you to see that you are already showing every sign of weathering this wretched period, and coming out on the other side of it healthier and happier than ever before!

 

You deserve every credit for this strength and perseverance. It is not that you are uncaring and unaffected by this regrettable behavior from your ex, or impervious to the havoc he has wreaked in your life. You are immensely impacted by the unadulterated disappointment and frustration of another person taking and taking of your gracious and wondrous soul and giving naught now but strife and sorrow in return. But you do not let it defeat you, and for this, I find your reaction remarkable and laudable. Did you know how strong you really were? Did you realize how heroic you would be in championing yourself and your survival? Have you taken the time to clap yourself on the back for both? If not, do it straightaway!

 

And, what the heck, do it with that red dress. Whether or not you don it this weekend or a year from now, buy it and hang it up where you will catch sight of it often. You deserve it and all it represents. I realize you have the commendable plan to save your money to see yourself off for a well-merited holiday and a trip home, but you should be rewarded for your strength of spirit and exceptional endurance, and I dig the idea of you having this darling dress with which to do it. Get yourself the dress, and I’ll leave off haranguing you to add some exotic perfume and some sparkly earrings to the package for at least… a month.

 

Onto the farrier! (No pun intended, I swear it ) I can absolutely see why you would be drawn to this man even as nothing more than a kindred spirit for his noble enterprise of helping those poor ponies, and a fellow animal-loving friend. I would have significant respect for someone who spends his time and energy helping those who cannot help themselves, and especially those mistreated ponies (we have similar volunteer organizations where I am, including a heartbreaking campaign – heartbreaking because it is such an uphill battle – to save wild mustangs from being slaughtered for meat and to rid them from ranch-land that I am very much involved with, and I am automatically biased in favor of someone who exerts his or her efforts on such a worthy cause).

 

I appreciate that you are not merely using him as a stand-in for your ex, and that you are taking your time before getting involved with anyone beyond a platonic relationship, and I endorse this idea earnestly. I think you are extremely wise and prudently cautious to be aware of such potential pitfalls and to take steps to avoid them. Because you are so shrewd and intuitive about these factors – which is commendable in and of itself, because even the most intelligent person can be blind to such hazards when they are suffering and vulnerable from a recent broken relationship – I encourage you to thoroughly enjoy and even deepen if you care to this friendship with the farrier. I am exceptionally taken with the idea of you soaring high above the landscape, leaving your troubles behind you both literally and figuratively if even for a brief period as you break the bonds of earth. If things are going well between you two as comfortable friends and you are taking pleasure from his company, I would suggest you invite yourself on that flight, without waiting for him to offer. He’s likely looking for an excuse to take to the skies, and what a way to spend a morning or afternoon for both of you!

 

I am mildly concerned – not even that, concerned is too strong a word – my ears perked, really – to read the passage about it being easier to wipe your ex if he does not contact you this Easter weekend. What is it about the Easter weekend that has such significance to you? Please do know I am not in any disrespectful fashion demanding you explain yourself – I just want to better understand your circumstances and this brought a question up for me. If you would not mind, I would impose on you for clarity on this – but I am not jumping to any conclusions about your comment – I only want to make sure I am following you completely.

 

Now, having said that, which I mean sincerely, I do want to gently submit to you the idea – or reinforce the idea, since you have already surmised it for yourself – that he has already disappointed you in his supposed commitment to remaining close friends. That he did not even contact you to check on you or offer his condolences with the passing of your beautiful friend Helen is wildly offensive to my sense of friendship and even basic human compassion (if I read you correctly, that is. If he was in contact about that, I grudgingly give him credit for at least being considerate). Complications from his dastardly behavior are not an excuse for eschewing even the most fundamental, rudimentary humane interaction in the face of your loss and resulting grief, in my estimation.

 

The story you shared at the beginning of your blog really resonated with me. Remember Chapter Five. Re-read it every day if it would be useful to you. A friend of mine seizes every opportunity I give her to remind me of one of her favorite sayings: “You have to stop going to a Chinese Food Restaurant and expecting to get pizza.” He strikes me as a person who is patently self-absorbed and self-serving. I could easily see him not contacting you until or unless he needs something, without thought or care as to whether or not you do, case in point being your dear friend passing away – but even without that terrible tragedy, any and all of his behavior that saw you bereft of affection and understanding, prior to the ultimate break up and certainly in its aftermath.

 

You deserve someone who will stand steadfastly by you, whether or not you are having a bad hair day, much less suffering the considerable blow of the loss of a beloved soul-sister. You should not have to chase after him to show you the attention, support and encouragement you richly warrant as his partner. I have no doubt in the world that you continuously and magnanimously showered him with such support in any of his many battles with the world. You have every right to expect that support to be reciprocal and proffered you without reservation or restriction. What’s more – you deserve such respect and backing and I implore you not to settle for anything less.

 

I hope this finds you doing well, in general and better than ever with everything you have going on right now. Please keep making your interesting and insightful entries. I am rooting for you, as ever, and keen to know how you are faring. My very, very best to you!

 

Wager

[Silverbirch]

Hi Wager, you are just so amazingly supportive! I couldn't have come this far without your posts which I read when I get home late at night or wake up in the mornings. Please do post on the thread!

 

Well, I didn't consciously connect the Easter thing, but I realise it's mostly because he brought me into his family at Easter. Most years,he has family and friends at his home. He never works at Easter and generally at Easter and Xmas, will contact family and close friends. In the past, I was usually very involved with him and his family with this (nearly all of my own family live interstate). At Xmas time and sometimes Easter, I would make confectionary with his children and we would give it to family.

 

When he first informed me of the break, and I asked what he meant, weeks, months, how long, he rolled his eyes and got very annoyed with me as though I was being exceptionally demanding to want to know. Then when later I told him about going home interstate and then overseas at the end of the year, he told me last 2 times we spoke how his holiday for the year will be only spending overnight with his mother and siblings at sisters holiday home. I think he saves his misery for me and his family. He's so charming to people outside of that circle.

 

One of my other women friends has contacted me. She has to hang about for some furniture to arrive and has also had a bad flu and asked if I want to pop around for a coffee. I'm off to meet up with Anne and then I will see her.

 

It's great not to have to work today. There are lots of mini-dramas where I work, and I'm often contacted at home for things I can't even do anything about.

 

Yes, I think I will get that dress or for sure something equally as nice, and a lady at work has actually ordered me some crystal earrings on Ebay as a gift! How nice!

 

Have a great day!

[Silverbirch]

For my reference. Must read regularly. Dramallamas Breaking Up NC Guide

 

 

 

 

[Wager]

Hi, Silverbirch! You are most welcome! I hope you realize how positive and thoughtful your own posts are, even as you struggle with what you have dubbed set-backs, or general unhappiness (justified and quite normal unhappiness, at that), as you do continue to struggle, to think, to reflect, to expose your very personal, very painful experience so that others may learn and grow with you. I think what you are doing here is commendable, both for your own sake and the countless others you will unknowingly aid in their own grief and healing.

 

You are a fighter, a survivor, and frankly, from all I see and even including those flaws we all have inherently as human beings, a wonderful person of value and worth. I am glad to have met you, and I genuinely think your ex is a fool. What a waste he has made of his own romantic future. People like you are rare and precious, and should be cherished and nurtured, not taken advantage of and run off. But I expect he will come to find this out for himself, painfully and clearly, and I do not feel the slightest pity for his coming awakening. He had more than one opportunity to correct his poor choices and learn from his past mistakes, and he squandered them. But I digress!

 

I was immensely gratified to read you plan to reward yourself with that dress or something similar – I literally cheered aloud! Good on you! I am holding you to that. I am also pleased as pie at your friend who ordered you the gift – happy and unexpected events are the absolute best kind to experience right now, and I hope ardently that there are many more coming your way, in all forms.

 

I am not surprised to learn there is a good reason you give special consideration to the upcoming holiday. I knew there would be; it’s why I did not jump to any conclusions about Easter. I think it is all to the good, discomfiting as it must be, to contemplate the details of your thoughts and reactions, to see from where they stem and why. I find it a better way to live one’s life, in general, to be introspective and pensive, but in particular when trying to restore oneself and heal from a traumatic event, understanding every element feasible is invaluable.

 

So much doubt and fear lurks in the unknown, gaining unearned weight and momentum simply because they can skulk about in the shadows of your brain, rattling their chains and spooking you out of confidence and progression. Shine the light of your shrewd perception in every last dark corner of your mind that you possibly can, catch what you find there and drag it squealing and protesting into the illumination of your most fair-minded evaluation and appraisal. Rob it of its power to haunt you as an unknown. Even if you address a particularly influential idea and find it disturbing and disagreeable, you still assume control of it to some degree because you are confronting it. There is no small worth in this action and in your bravery in performing it. And if you cannot excise a disturbing notion or memory, entirely, you can still triumph over it by facing it head-on, acknowledging your response to it, and showing it the door, anyway.

 

In terms of handling this upcoming Easter holiday, specifically, I suggest you do everything you can to engage in as many positive interactions as possible. I am sure the children loved receiving your thoughtful and tasty treats – and there are plenty of children out there that would benefit greatly from such kind attention – at shelters, for instance, or under-privileged playgroups. If this is not immediately available to you in your community (or even if it is), what about animal shelters? Would you find it appealing to bake up some animal-safe cookies (there are loads of recipes available online and I would be most happy to help you find some) and deliver them to a local shelter?

 

These are fairly involved plans, I realize and I am not proposing you whip up a batch of your yummy cooking to deliver within the hour – but what about spending this particular holiday planning such an undertaking for the immediate future? This way, you keep yourself hopefully happily occupied doing good for someone else, something that seems to be important to you (another reason I admire you) – you could even enlist the help of the friends you are going to see – or others as an excuse to see them – or both. Make a party out of it!

 

Even in your understandable and justified grief at current losses in your life, there is no reason you cannot celebrate yourself and pursue your own happiness – in point of fact, I urge you heartily to do both at any opportunity you have or can possibly create – exceptionally so by seeking to provide celebration and happiness for others.

 

His affected exasperation at your very legitimate questions is aggravating! He sounds exceedingly egocentric, and I would imagine he processes any and all information through the lens of how it affects him, first and foremost. Oh, puleese – let me run and fetch my violin to play for him that he will be spending his holiday so meagerly. I think that firmly falls into a ‘his problem’ category. He likely would not know what to do with himself if everything went wonderfully for him and he had nothing to complain about. If he wanted to improve his lot in life, he could do so, same as anyone else strives to do. Same as you are striving to do now, and in the wake of serious hindrance that is in part from his own bad behavior. Does he expect that everything should be done for him, by everyone else? I do not envy his family having to entertain him on his holiday. Without you on whom to take out his frustrations and failings, I am sure they are in for even worse behavior than usual.

 

It may be an opportunity for you to breathe a sigh of relief that you no longer have to put up with such behavior – I know you would not rejoice in your own gain at someone else’s expense, of course, but it is not your fault nor responsibility to save his family from him, and any and all occasions you have to appraise and appreciate what you have gained as opposed to anything you have lost is to the positive, I believe.

 

I am sorry and sympathetic to read you have to deal with drama at work on top of everything else you are sorting through! Is there any way you can grant yourself a total reprieve from dealing with that nonsense when you are home and ‘off,’ especially when there is nothing you can do regarding whatever they are contacting you about? It seems unreasonable to me that they expect to be able to impose upon your well-earned break at will and without purpose, in the first place.

 

You absolutely deserve pure and unspoiled time to yourself, free and unfettered by strife of any kind, from drama between people to havoc with strictly work-related issues. Is there a way you can firmly excuse yourself from being forced to deal with any chaos once you have gone home? If even only for a few hours a night, or days during a weekend or holiday?

 

If not, is there something we can think of to minimize the impact such intrusions have on your psyche overall – like your idea about getting a massage? The shops were closed that day, if I remember correctly, but can you write yourself a chit to focus on when dealing with difficulty at work? “If I can get through this – I get a massage on Monday evening and I will not think of anything during that time,” for instance. Something positive to counteract even small negatives, for the latter adds up and the former is usually underrated and far too often overlooked.

 

I will be checking eagerly for updates and as always, I wish you the very best! I hope you thoroughly enjoy your Easter. If hurt or disappointment creeps in to disturb you this weekend, I implore you to not let it stop you from that overall enjoyment of yourself, your friends and your plans. You have every right to take back your happiness, your freedom and your future. Keep fighting the good fight!

 

Rooting for you –

 

Wager

[Silverbirch]

Happy Easter All! I've been trying to upload an image here, from Photobucket and also my computer, but not having much luck today.

 

Be back later. Have a nice day!

[Silverbirch]

link removed

[Silverbirch]

Was okay today. Then when I realised wasn't going to hear from him, I fell apart. I deleted his from my contact lists in my telephone and emailing. I was deleting mail from my phone. Came accross one of him had sent prior weeks prior to the break-up, just saying "I love and miss

[Silverbirch]

Last night was one of my worst nights. I woke through the night and just lie there thinking, this is real, he really doesn't want to be with me or care. I was reading through his older text messages as I planned to delete them. There were ones just 3 weeks prior to being dumped saying "I love and miss you" (I was at work), and "I love and adore you". I've felt very angry towards his family last night. They just won't let the previous marriage and all the hatred it carries with it go. Not long before I got dumped, the ex's 20 year old son who regularly told the ex about all the things which go on in the mother's house had told him some horrible things. The story I have been told is that she told her son that she did not want him to attend the big family parties because he upsets his sister. His sister has said that his physical mannerisms remind her of her father, and she can't bear it. I can't know for sure if she said this, but I do know that she is one of the most manipulative people I have ever known. Whilst the ex has more than his share of baggage and selfishness, I really did see a change in him after he was told this. When I lived with the ex, I put my foot down about the teenage children talking unnecessarily about things their mother said - mostly how much she hates their father. The son has got a counsellor he sees, and basically, the whole family is just so self-absorbed and toxic.

 

I know that I'm just sort of clutching at straws. If the ex wanted to be with me, he would. He didn't even bother to contact me over Easter, and I know that for him, that does mean that he considers me gone, zap, finnito. I know also that it is more than likely there is already another woman in his place.

 

Last night I was reading over at Baggage Reclaim, and there was a lot of sense there. I also spoke with my Mum who has been very sweet to me, and had sent me a cheque for a substantial amount of money. She is INSISTING I cash it. I can hardly wait to go home and see her.

 

My housemate and his girlfriend are urging me to get social with men. It's way too early, and frankly, it often feels that I don't ever want anything much to do with men.

 

I have to work today. It's a public holiday so I will earn a heap of money. For the first time in a long time, my bank account is growing. I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to keep reminding myself.

 

I hope your Easter was a good one.

[Silverbirch]

I had a few brief occasions today of feeling that I am losing my mind. I thought briefly of suicide, of how I could go. Then I thought of my son and knew I couldn't do that to him. I thought of making it look like natural causes, and then I thought of my pets, and who would look after them. My little dog is so happy when I come home sometimes that he howls or runs around in circles. Later I thought of my elderly mother, and if I did that, I would virtually be killing her too.

 

I find myself asking, "Is this real? Has this really happened?"

 

I think of G (my ex), and wonder what was really happening the whole time I was with him. Over and over in my head, "I really thought he loved me."

 

My son is coming over tonight. I wish I'd cleaned things more. My son hates seeing me cry. It makes him angry - well he just can't handle it.

 

My son thought that G was just the ants pants and that he was the right one for me. I remember him saying to me once, "if you can't make this work with G, you won't be able to make it work with anyone. I don't think you should have any more boyfriends if you can't make it

ith him.

 

I'm not trying to invalidate the young love here. There are very young ones pining over their relationships of 3 months, and sometimes of just a few weeks. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I've been in several relationships lasting years, always thinking each man was different to all the others, but they never were.

 

I bought a Himalayan salt lamp today and Tibetan prayer flags.

 

The people at work were good today. I took up a managers position about 5 months ago -- a lot of responsibility in a very challenging environment. Sometimes, I really put on the tough boss hat - only if somebody is being irresponsible to the detriment of clients. My team is understanding though when I've had to be tough - so far.

 

Son is here.

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch! I am so, so sorry that you are suffering such a miserable stage, right now. Your pain and utter bewilderment at this situation are tangible in your posts, and my heart absolutely aches for you.

 

However, I am not going to attempt to talk you out of it. It stinks on ice, it is unreservedly unfair, and as you well know, it is categorically debilitating at times in its weight and scope. There are times your grief will threaten to consume you whole and there will seem no reasonable, bearable way out of it – but to endure it. Much like you would sweat out a terrible fever, persist despite a dreadful flu.

 

Perhaps you need to scale back your expectations of yourself during that time, content yourself with merely triumphing over each day, and do not require more from yourself than that. Shore up with a good book, a cozy blanket, some comfort food, a reliable comedy for the DVD player and just get muddle through until you can breathe deeply and think straight once more. But you would not give up then and you cannot give up now.

 

It is not only a matter of who would mourn your loss and to what degree if you were to check out of existence, but all you would miss, as well. People do not simply like you – they need you. You improve their very lives simply by being part of them. And they have so much still to offer you, so many experiences to share with you, so many adventures to undertake with you – and not only do they need you and your special brand of wisdom and insight, your irreplaceable spirit and inspiring attitude at their sides to even embark on such incredible life events – you would be intolerably robbing yourself of these incomparable, incredible opportunities to grow, to feel, to take pleasure in, to learn and more.

 

You are essential. And you are deserving of the exhilaration and fulfillment that only you can afford the other special people in your life. To cheat yourself out of those experiences, as well as everyone else who must have you and only you to realize their own full potential is an injustice on a scale so profound and complete that one can scarcely set it down in words.

 

Your current feelings of despair and doubt are undeniably genuine and justified. But I promise you, they are temporary. This is not to say they will not rear their ugly, carping heads, again, but each time they do, you will find them more manageable, at some point even laughable, their impact less meaningful, less intimidating, until you are able to dismiss them at will, altogether. We just have to get you to that point.

 

I have no doubt at all you can and should get there. You deserve happiness. You deserve wholeness. You deserve to triumph over grief and uncertainty. You deserve to feel bliss. You deserve to be a healthy, helpful component to the lives of those you care for, and who care for you. You deserve to spend engaging, enjoyable time with your family and your friends. You deserve to relish all you do to contribute to their joy. You deserve to savor their delight in you. You deserve to live a long and harmonious life. You deserve to partake of those extraordinary, miraculous happenings such as your mother’s next birthday, your son’s first child, your own warm and waiting bed after a trying day, your pup’s exultant wag at seeing your beloved face first thing in the morning, your pony’s cheerful nicker at watching you bring in dinner. You deserve ecstasy at the big and the little events that make up a well-spent existence.

 

And no one, not even you, has the right to rob you of such things.

 

It is perfectly acceptable to suspend your pursuit of such things, even your total enjoyment of them, while you are hurting, while you are healing. If you are not presently able to let them in, permit them to even reach you fully, much less fill you, that is fine. Take a break, give yourself a breather, the same as you would if you were ill, if you were injured. Rest. Recover. Retreat. But do not surrender.

 

The time will come again, sooner than you think, that you will feel not only ready and receptive to seeking and feeling pleasure. Do not force it, any more than you would enter a race with a broken leg. Give yourself the appropriate and necessary opportunity to regroup and recuperate. But do not surrender. Never surrender.

 

This is the time, more than ever, when it is imperative that you be kind to yourself. Be generous to yourself. Be understanding and supportive. How would you treat a dear friend who was in your shoes? What would you advise her? What would you do to console and cheer her? How would you modulate your tone and attitude to convey to her your unconditional encouragement and backing? How would you collaborate with her to help her? These are not rhetorical questions. Let’s answer them, and then let’s apply those answers to you. You deserve the same care and attention you would give to another. Let’s put those plans in action, if even in small increments. What do you do first?

 

In the spirit of the above questions, I would like to propose two ideas to you that I would very much like to see you act upon. The first is to pick up and read a copy of The Four Agreements. Here is a link to the Wikipedia article about this work. I am unsure about the rules of eNotAlone about linking materials for sale, so I am going to err on the side of caution, and not post something that is ‘for sale,’ but there is no reason to buy it, anyway, until you have had time to explore and consider it, and see if it is for you. You can request it from your library, or a literary-sharing program online, or whatever works best for you.

 

link removed

 

It is crucial, in my opinion, that you take in Agreement Number Two, at this point, more than anything else. You are very understandably beginning (or in the throes of, already) to internalize this experience, to question and fault yourself, either specifically with remembered, real or imagined, transgressions, as well as in a very generalized fashion simply for the failure of the relationship. I think it is crucial that you see that this is not your fault or failure. This is not your doing and this is not a deserved result of your behavior or your character.

 

You are a remarkable, valuable, unique person. You make people’s lives richer for being in them. If the receiver does not or cannot appreciate, esteem and safeguard your indispensable and irreplaceable affection, it is their failing, not yours. It is a reflection of who they are, where they are at in their own lives and what they are capable of processing and protecting – not what you have to offer.

 

This is not to say the person who does not recognize you for the amazing person you are is some monster or completely irredeemable. This is only to say that there is something wrong with the way they are living or viewing their lives, and the people in them, that results in them pushing away their own potential happiness, if not outright ruining their chances for success and satisfaction because of whatever it is that is going wrong – not because of the people they hurt or abandon.

 

On the other hand, it may be that the person is an absolute ogre. Most likely, the truth lies somewhere in between. But no matter what it says about the other person, that person’s actions are never a reflection of the individual you are – only how they receive you. To interpret cues about your own character based on how someone else treats you is an exceedingly easy mistake to make – but a mistake, nonetheless.

 

You can only learn something about the other person from how they behave, not about yourself. I beseech you not to place worth or significance on someone else’s actions in terms of gleaning information about yourself from it. It is purely a relfection on that person, not you. If you learn anything from someone else’s conduct, it should only be information about that person’s character. It may feel precisely the opposite, especially when you are hurt, but it is never an indication of your own, true self.

 

My other strong suggestion is that you take yourself out to a local nursery and buy yourself a lovely little tree. (My personal favorite is the weeping cherry – it becomes the most beautiful creation, something like a cross between a graceful weeping willow and a cheerily blossoming cherry tree) Pick a sapling to adopt, bring it home, and plant it somewhere special to you, where you will see it often. This will be your tree of new beginnings. You will nurture and tend to it, and seek out its quiet, unassuming company whenever you need time to yourself. Its space will become your space, a place for peace and quiet for you.

 

Do not take your worries there. If you find yourself considering negative things when you are near your tree, stop. Shelve them, assure them you will see to them later, but give them no succor when you are by your tree. Your tree will only be a respite, a safe haven for spending time by yourself, with yourself and most importantly, celebrating yourself.

 

Exceptionally so when you are contemplating the worst, it is important to connect to another life, and a tree is an excellent option, in my opinion, for it will not place extreme demands on your already compromised time and energy.

 

But as it grows, as it strengthens and blooms, so too will you. The two of you will grow, together, taking care of each other in subtle, but vital ways. And as you see your tree mature, growing stronger and sturdier, you will see yourself follow suit, healing, recovering and eventually flourishing and standing tall and strong in the face of whatever life throws at you to weather.

 

What do you think?

 

I hope you do not mind – I would like to comment on a few of the incidents you remarked upon in your posts (I am not used to sharing thoughts on blogs, and I do not want to misstep. You will not offend me one bit if you want to keep your entries pristine and not hear feedback on them, I assure you. Please always feel free to speak candidly to me about what does and does not work for you and I will tailor my remarks accordingly!).

 

On Easter – I am ever so sorry that his behavior this holiday came as such a blow to you. You have every right to your feelings, however, I would gently submit to you that the value you place on Easter, including by proxy what significance you attribute Easter having to your ex based on his past behavior, you may not be able to read or interpret his actions unerringly simply because, as Agreement Two outlines, they are intrinsic to his character and current position in his life and as a result, logic and rationality goes out the window in trying to decipher his true motives and feelings.

 

In other words, though you think you know what Easter means to him after having spent previous Easters with him and even appositely inferring what the holiday meant to him from those you have shared with him – his feelings may have changed, or he may be trying to send an entirely different ‘message’ than you might guess at.

 

Perhaps, instead of meaning that, by letting Easter pass by without comment or contact from him, he does not care, he views it as a way to tell you that he is respecting your space by not imposing on you during a time period he assumes has special connotations to you. Perhaps he is simply being self-pitying, and hopes you will presume that, having not heard from him during this holiday, he is doing either very well or very poorly, and means to mess with your head a bit as to which it is. Perhaps he was so caught up in himself and the changes in his life that he did not even consider Easter, at all, as he has before, and let it pass by without contact because he sincerely did not care about it – not that he did not care about you.

 

The point is, it is impossible to know precisely what he was thinking and why, even with the benefit of having shared this holiday before, and knowing then what was in his mind. And because it is impossible to know these things for sure, it follows that it is then impossible to assign meaning or magnitude to his actions when you cannot know for certain what they signify to him. Whatever he is thinking or feeling or doing, it is utterly independent of you, even though it obviously affects you, because it is brought on by his own character (or lack thereof) and rationale and does not in any way reflect on you as a person or a partner.

 

To try to guess at what he is thinking or feeling or doing is ultimately a waste of your time and energy – not to mention the very real risk that trying to do so might drive you batty, and deplete your already put-upon resources – because he has already demonstrated that much of his motivation is selfish and morally and emotionally bankrupt. You deserve to be free of this draining, exhausting guessing game. I stoutly suggest to you that you do not dignify or validate his poor treatment of you in any way by contributing to his hold on your heart and psyche even in his physical absence.

 

When it comes to thinking about what he is trying to say to you, what he really means, what he is truly up to – I would stop. Shake your head. Roll your eyes. Hold up your hands. And say to yourself, “Really, it’s not my problem.” Whatever he is thinking or doing or feeling, it is not your problem. He surrendered the right to impose upon you and your energy when he mistreated you. Please do not allow him the power and the privilege of occupying your time and thoughts and energy when he does not deserve your attention and effort and when he repays you for them with thoughtless, selfish unkindness. You deserve better. And he does not deserve you.

 

Secondly, I wanted to comment on what you mentioned about your son. You said something I found extremely interesting and telling, and I am not sure if you have already put this together for yourself, but if not, I hope this helps you.

 

Your son obviously and rightly loves you very much. (He will not care if you cleaned, or not, not to worry! It’s one of those things you notice as easily as if there were a spotlight trained from the heavens upon every dust bunny bouncing by, but the other person could not notice or care even if each grain of dust was illuminated so. Besides, it gives him leave to be at ease and make a mess if he wants, without feeling like he is trespassing in some cold, well-arranged but not inviting museum of a house. Further, it gives him permission, as it were, to have you to his place when he hasn’t vacuumed every corner within an inch of its life, himself – all these things are only to the good)

 

However, he is a young man, and the intrinsic nature of good young men, as you likely know, is a pretty simple and straightforward policy, for the most part and it goes something like this: ‘I am a fixer. If I can fix this for you, I will hold you down and sit on your chest to do so, whether or not you protest, because that is what I am and what I do, I fix things. If I cannot fix something, I will probably ignore it. If I cannot fix it and I cannot ignore it, it will make me supremely uncomfortable, and the modern warrior within me will attack it. I might hit you by accident in my urgency to attack and banish it. I won’t mean to, but I’ve got more heart than I have subtlety, and sometimes my need to vanquish whatever is bothering you is overwhelming. And if I inadvertently strike you while I am lashing out, I will fix you, and if I cannot then fix you…’ rinse, repeat.

 

What he said to you about making it work with the ex I fervently believe was a reflection (again, it is not personal, even from someone who dearly loves you and enjoys being loved by you) of his own need to see you happy and settled, not because of a sincere, inflexible idea that you need to be with this particular person. I do not think for a moment that he wants to see you with the ex at the expense of your authentic happiness or well-being. He is just an impatient young warrior, and he wants his mother settled and happy, whether or not he wants to force a round peg into a square space to see it happen.

 

It’s not because he does not profoundly and whole-heartedly care about you and what becomes of you, of course, only that, from his own perspective, this is what makes sense to him. He is a fighter (in the sense of a survivor not some bad-tempered lout) and a fixer, and based solely on his own perspective, which is limited somewhat simply by his age and life-experience, he applies his approach to everything and everyone. Fight, fix, be happy.

 

It would probably astonish him to fully appreciate why this may not always work – it likely astonishes him in his own life when he cannot render happiness out of this tried and true formula, but he will learn as life goes on, as we all do, and he will come to see that it is usually not that simple or forthright, and that other people disappoint and frustrate you sometimes too much to rely upon them for your own contentment. He will come to understand you and your particular circumstances, in time.

 

For now, my best advice is to hear his underlying sentiment rather than his actual words. He loves you completely. He wants you to be happy. He doesn’t know how to fix things for you. He doesn’t comprehend that you really don’t expect him or anyone to do such a thing, anyway. He is impatient and eager for you to be recovered and on the mend. It’s okay to let him see you wounded.

 

It’s okay to take what comfort and encouragement you can from him, whether or not that comes in a verbal, direct form, or simply from his company and the joy of doing something, anything, with him. It’s more than okay – it’s right and helpful, to both of you. It’s an important lesson to him, about his mother, about women, about a fellow human being and about himself, both in how he reacts to you and what he can take away from this to apply to his own life, when the inevitable happens to him. It’s okay not to be perfect and infallible before him. It’s a sort of perfection, in and of itself.

 

You take such pains and effort to look after everyone else. I beg you to turn that energy inward, as well. You deserve it as much as anyone. And you cannot continue to care for everyone else if you are not whole, yourself.

 

Darn it, there is more that I wanted to address, but I am going to have to suspend this now and come back to it. I hope anything I have said provides you even a little help. I will be thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best, as ever. Take great care and please update us as to how you are doing. Until later –

 

Wager

[Silverbirch]

Thank you once again Wager. I apologise about my posting on my fleeting thoughts of suicide. I promise I won't. It would be a cowardly way out, and I would hurt so many people.

 

I'm reading and re-reading your post and I will go and read the Four Agreements now.

 

My son came over last night. I tried so hard not to cry that I was unable to eat. He asked me if I am seeing somebody professionally, ie a counsellor. Told him I am not and don't know it could do any good, and inferred that there are just things I have to do and overcome, that nobody can do it for me. He said to me that if I was speaking to G to tell him he doesn't hold anything against him, that he is a really great guy. Son said that these things happen, sometimes people just grow apart, and that he knows G has an incredible amount on his plate, and he could understand why he would feel depressed.

 

I think son was a bit shocked to see the state of my living room and insisted on helping me tidy it up. This was a big help to me as I barely knew where to start, and it doesn't look too bad today. There are other things which need to be done which I cannot do on my own - light bulbs needing to be replaced on very high ceilings which I can't reach even standing on a ladder. He's coming back in 2 weeks to help me with these things. Told me to write a list of what needs to be done, and he will do them. After these tasks are completed, the plan is to do some decorating.

 

I'm hardly even thinking today. I have work this evening. I feel mentally very tired. My dialogue in my head barely stopped last night. I was even wondering if G was in the hospital as he was last year. I think you are right about me being careful at forming conclusions as to why he hasn't attempted to contact me. I am likely to never know, and there seems little point in torturing myself like this.

 

Thank you once again for your kindness. It has been a godsend. I will go and read your links now. Very warmest wishes, and I hope you Easter was happy and contented.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Wager if you are there. I'm not sure if this counts as breaking NC, but I sent a very brief, but polite text to G today asking if it would be alright if he left some accessories for my computer and camera on his patio as I would collect them when I finished work late tonight. He answered about an hour later with another brief text saying that would be fine and that he would leave my things in some bags. The items I had requested (2) were not very large items, so I suspected when he mentioned the bags that something was going on. When I got there tonight around 10.30pm, the house was in darkness so I went to the patio and he had put a whole heap of my stuff there - maybe all of it. It barely fitted in my car.

 

When he last spoke with me, I had thought it was mutually decided, partly through his suggestion that I collect all of my things after I came back from seeing my mother as he knew it was very distressing for me. He had offered to drive it to my place, and I recall him saying at the time he thought it was around 4 carloads. (I don't think that it quite the case). I know there is a large mirror that he hadn't packed, but that may be because he forgot.

 

I shed so many tears yesterday. In fact, I didn't think it was possible for me to cry so much. Tonight, I am very dry-eyed, and talked to myself in the car on the way home (btw, I bought a new CD too to play in my car so I don't have to listen to love songs - got songs on it like "I Feel Good" and "Mustang Sally). Anyway, I told myself that he wasn't worth shedding another tear over. Maybe I'm making assumptions, but to me, he's giving me a very clear message by placing all of my things there like that.

 

I admit that with me breaking the NC, I was partly motivated with the thought that he might be in hospital and that wasn't why he hadn't contacted me. (He was in hospital last year). Well, of course, he wasn't in the hospital.

 

I'm still sad, but more through disappointment. How could anyone with any self-respect go back to someone who has discarded them so cruelly as he has. Of course, I don't delude myself by thinking he would want me back. He is the type that when he is finished with a woman or anyone for that matter, he is finished, end of story. Between his divorce and me, he had 2 girlfriends, and from what I can make out, he got rid of them pretty quickly once they asked for anything for themselves. He used to tell me he wasn't in love with them the way he was with me, and admittedly he was with me much longer than he was with them.

 

I feel very used by him, and so does his ex-wife. Even though he often was grumpy and demanding, I never really saw the cold side to him which I have seen in the last couple of weeks, except I did think that he didn't treat his youngest brother well, and had on occasion tried to speak with him about it.

 

I am going to start re-reading Co-Dependent No More tonight. I've seen other posters here highly recommend it.

 

I'm feeling more grounded right at this moment, and I hope this lasts for a while.

 

Thanks again Wager and everyone here.

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch! I have been thinking about you and your current situation a lot, and wondering how you were faring.

 

This is not going to be my most coherent post, for I have a number of things I would like to address, and I am conscious of not running out of time; please bear with me.

 

Do not apologize for your thoughts, no matter how grim. This is a cruelly difficult time for you, at the moment. You are going to experience any number of emotions and entertain ideas that you would never have imagined you would even consider, if you had not been thrown into such turmoil and utter mayhem.

 

These ideas are in no way telling of you as a person, your character nor your following actions, regardless how persuasive and malevolently tempting them may seem at the point of consideration – so long as you are actively guarded against them and prepared to fight for yourself.

 

And you are. You are stronger than you know, Silverbirch. You are a fighter. You are a scrapper. You are a survivor.

 

You may get mentally winded, from time to time, and even, strange as it sounds, sincerely curious about exploring any and all options available to you. There is nothing wrong with this. You are an intelligent, cerebral person. You are going to contemplate, evaluate (and I trust in you, ultimately dismiss) even the most unimaginable choices, and that is quite alright. It is how you work. If you were to try to shackle your brain, and limit it to consider only the most pleasant, positive notions, I suspect that restriction would make you feel as inherently discomfited as any of the ideas, themselves.

 

But considering them, even in those bleak and lonely moments in which they shimmer with the erroneous gleam of some abominable mirage, is not in and of itself a setback, though I can certainly see how you might be concerned. The key element here is whether or not you are tougher than those grisly enticements. Without a doubt, you are.

 

You thought about them in thinking about everything, without hobbling your mind or imposing upon it arbitrary constraints regarding what it may and may not delve into. And your overwhelming response to this macabre inspiration was to shut it down swiftly. You turned your thoughts selflessly and faithfully to your friends and family. Now that, to me, is what is telling about you.

 

Even in your private thoughts, even in your darker hours, you are a woman of integrity and loyalty. You put aside your own profound pain and acute uncertainty to concentrate on how such an act, no matter how seemingly enticing or temporarily attractive it may appear, would affect those you love and who love you. You put your own needs and feelings second to theirs; your first impulse even at a time when you are most discouraged and disheartened is to look out for those around you. And you were strong enough to do it. I knew you would be.

 

But do not chastise yourself for your thoughts. You have nothing to be embarrassed by or ashamed of. You should be proud of yourself for how you responded to those thoughts, not for failing to operate some mental gulag, in which you can only think certain, pre-approved ideas. I am proud of you! It does not matter what notions appear in your head, what matters is how you handle them once there – and you did precisely as you should have. I say good on you.

 

Though you are a grown woman, impressively and remarkably emotionally mature, the sort of havoc your ex has thrown you into has a horrific trick of returning you to the most vulnerable, susceptible and defenseless state. It is akin to transforming you into a helpless child, almost, alone and frightened in the darkness of your fear and dejection. The idea of ending it all becomes a monster under your intellectual bed. You are forced to take a deep breath, summon all of your courage and lean over to check. Use your considerable logic and rationality to thrust the light of your comprehension and defiance of terror into every shadowed corner. Confront that ‘monster’ and discover it is only a jumble of cast-off memories and emotional debris, long forgotten and essentially of no threat, once exposed and examined without its crafty ability to cloak itself in worry and fear. And then breathe a sigh of relief and return to your rest. You deserve the reprieve.

 

This is a tremendously, exhaustively grueling, challenging time. I wish I could spare you any and all anguish involved, but it simply is not possible. All I can do is to be here for you, through every post, with every entry, and I will happily, sympathetically do that. All anyone can do who cares for you is to undertake this journey with you, and you, in turn, are obligated to let them come, even if you would wish to save them the trek.

 

I was going to touch on this, already, in my intended comments yesterday, and after reading about your visit with your son, it seems more applicable than ever. Not only are you obligated to let those who care about you accompany you on your return to happiness and wholeness, you may not realize just how valuable this allowance is, nor what an priceless gift it is you are giving by welcoming their company and inviting their input, however it is delivered and in whatever increment.

 

When you permit someone to help you, you give them a rare and precious opportunity to present you with their love in a tangible and corporeal form. To be able to aid you in small or substantial ways is to be able to show you their feeling for you, to grant them the chance to repay you your own kindness and compassion to them. It is exceedingly important, for them as much as for you, if not more so, depending on the situation. To request your son swap out a broken light bulb for you may be a little thing to you, but for him, it is the chance to be useful, to benefit you, and for a ‘fixer,’ it is an appreciable occasion to demonstrate his love and care.

 

I hope you make a long list of tasks for him to tackle. With each chore checked off, he is afforded the opportunity to demonstrate his concern and care for you in a fashion which makes the most sense to him, and has a tangible, noticeable impact. You are not imposing upon him – you are proffering him the ability to show you he cares, you are giving him the chance to be helpful and look after you, for a change, you are allowing him the incalculably invaluable prospect of repaying you for all of your own considerate, compassionate care-taking over the years.

 

Letting someone love you is far more difficult than loving them, passively or actively. Especially now, in your state of heightened vulnerability and bewilderment. I beseech you to provide as many people as much such opportunity as you possibly can, from your son, to your mother, to your dear friends. You have spent a great deal of your time, effort and energy looking after others. Be compassionate to their need to return the favor, and receptive to their desire to provide evidence to you that they truly care. You will serve them as well as they will bolster you – if not more, by your gracious acquiescence to their assistance.

 

I am not going to comment on NC, at this point, unless you have a question specifically for me about it, as I do not personally subscribe to the concept – however, and I cannot stress this strongly enough – I am an avid proponent of making whatever works for you work for you. I do not recommend NC or LC because it would not work from my perspective, but my feeling is only that, what works for my personality based on my perspective. If you are successful with it, then I am all for it, for you.

 

I am ever so disappointed on your behalf to learn you were disappointed with your ex’s recent actions. But I cannot say I am surprised. I do think he is sending you a message, but I believe the meaning of that message begins and ends with clarification on his behavior, his mentality and where he is at with this situation. I do not believe for an instant that it says anything about you as a person or a partner.

 

Of course, that is far easier for me to say than for you to feel. And that is precisely why I push so hard for you not to personalize his (or anyone’s) behavior. It is just too easy to let your fears and insecurities take the wheel and steer you to ugly and unfounded conclusions about yourself, your worth and what you may or may not have done ‘wrong’ to ‘deserve’ such reaction. But this is specious reasoning, born of doubt and dread, not to mention hurt and confusion. You will not be able to separate what is actually being conveyed to you from what you fear the implications may be. And even if you could, you cannot know with certainty what that meaning truly is, nor from where it stems, and why.

 

This is why it is crucial that you do not internalize or personalize his behavior, either in thought or deed. Whatever he does or does not do, it is absolutely because of whom he is and where he is in this process and in life, in general. You could be the most incredible, beautiful (inside and out), intelligent, witty, sensual, exotic, erotic creature every to have been placed on this earth, and you certainly strike me as being of that caliber, and he could simply be the kind of person, too bitter, too self-centered, too short-sighted to see it.

 

Does his acknowledgement of your worth make or break that value? Emphatically, the answer is no. Does his recognition of your value cause that worth to rise or fall based upon his appreciation of it? Categorically, the answer is no.

 

Does it feel like how he appraises you and what he does in the face of that assessment denotes how special and significant you really are? Of course it does.

 

If someone you cherish and esteem treats you as though he could take or leave you, live blissfully without you, move on without seemingly blinking an eye with the loss of you, how can it not force you to question yourself? We are social creatures, even those among us who are solitary and introverted or aloof. We take our cues about our appeal and self-worth from other’s reactions to us from birth. As we age and develop, almost every single one of our self-awareness and self-assessment tools is derived from the signals and implications of other people’s reactions to us, and how we judge ourselves to fare in the collective societal scheme of things.

 

This is not an irredeemably poor approach. There is a good reason we develop and progress in this fashion. I will not waste your time here droning on about my theories on the merit of assessing and processing communal cues, but there are too many compelling reasons to cultivate favorable feedback from those with whom we share the planet, and you have spent many years operating under these predisposed beliefs, likely without ever before questioning their merit or meaning (and there is certainly nothing wrong with that – why should you have thought to wonder after such things, previously? You have had more than a full plate with all that you do, as a mother, as a partner, as a working woman, as a daughter, a friend, and so on. It is not as though you have been cloistered in a cell atop a solitary mountain, with nothing to do but think idly for hours on end).

 

To expect you now to simply shrug off such ideas and their implications is wholly impractical, and unreasonable, besides. However, I am asking you to dig in your heels, to halt yourself in your tracks, and to begin, from this point on, to question, to probe, to examine precisely what you are being asked to concur with before you do so. This is the time to begin to query, to present yourself the power to doubt. This is the prime opportunity for you to unshackle yourself from the bonds of other people’s expectations, and to free yourself from the idea that their dissatisfaction is a reflection of you, and not their own failings.

 

It will not come easily, but you have every right to slip your yoke of complacency and the demands of others that you be effectively silent and pleasing, and to challenge any and all ideas that you should conform yourself and your ideas to anyone else’s expectations and demands. Take the time and expend the energy to ask yourself – what does this person want from me? Why do they want it? What do they give, in turn? Is it what I want for myself?

 

You know, of course, not to settle, but do you know with certainty what all constitutes that settling? Have you given yourself full support and encouragement to confront and contest the requests and requirements of others, and to confirm with yourself that these demands are actually agreeable to you? In all of your compassion and consideration for those around you, have you granted yourself not only the leave, but the opportunity to doubt, to question, to demand a degree of reciprocation in what you so graciously and generously give of yourself?

 

How often do you conclude ‘I need more,’ ‘I have requirements and expectations that are not being met,’ ‘I deserve more than I am given,’ or ‘I will not settle for less’? My guess is that the answer falls somewhere on the side of not often enough – or worse, closer to never. This is not right. You deserve more. You should demand it. And you should not be content – either of your own conclusion, or bullied into the acceptance by the behavior of others, to stand for less.

 

However, having been someone who sacrifices much of herself for the greater good and for the benefit of others in specific cases, such as your ex and the perpetual, pervasive poor conduct he displayed prior to the break-up, much less after it, I would bet that it is difficult for you to even contemplate taking such a stand in response to such poor conduct – without even taking into consideration tackling the notion that someone else’s opinion of you or evaluation is nothing more than an indication of who they are and where they are at in their life, and not at all informative or revealing of you as a person or a partner.

 

And yet, I staunchly submit to you that now you must do both. It will be foreign and uncomfortable, and easy to slip back into past behavior and approach, but you must draw a line in the sand, not only between you and your ex, but between you and even the people you are most appreciative of and closest to. Though you are wounded, though you are vulnerable, though you are hurting and confused, and it must seem like anything but – this is the perfect time, unequivocally the best time, for you to begin reshaping and reforming your ideas about the world, the people in it, what you want and deserve from those people, and what their response to your expectations and demands says about you (nothing) and them (everything).

 

It is impossible to know every nuance of someone else’s thinking, motivations, agenda, perception and every little thing that goes into making a decision, from the smallest to the biggest, from the most seemingly basic to the most insurmountably complex. The old idiom about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes is beyond applicable, here. How arduous is it to fully understand yourself, for instance? How could you ever hope to truly comprehend, take in and work out every detail of someone else’s beliefs, much less their behavior?

 

Say you see a man on one side of a rickety bridge, and on the other bank is a burning house. Why does he stand there, doing nothing? Is he afraid of the unstable bridge? Has he had some horrifying experience with such a construction, in the past? Does he fear he will hazard a step upon it, only to have it dissolve beneath his footing, and dump him into the raging river below? Does he know something about that bridge that you do not? That it is only good for one more passage, perhaps, and a fire brigade is coming, better served to cross and combat the fire than he would be, without training or resources on him to deal with the fire? Is it even his house? Is it his house, but he knows no one is home, and values his safety more than his material possessions? Is it his house, his family sleeping perilously unaware inside, and he cannot summon the courage within him to save them? Did he set the fire, himself?

 

Even if you had all the answers to the above speculations, there are innumerable questions to follow. I am sure you know your ex as well as anyone could, maybe even better than he knows himself, and feel confident that you can predict future behavior based on past examples – but when circumstances and experiences change, how can you be certain? Look at how much has changed so dramatically and radically in the relatively short time that you two have been broken up. How many things has he done or said that have stunned you, frustrated you, baffled and disappointed you? How many of them did you see coming?

 

Are you possibly expecting an unreasonable amount of mind-reading from yourself to think you could brace and protect yourself from his behavior? I gently suggest to you that you are. You seem to me to be demanding of yourself that you be able to understand his incomprehensible behavior, to be able to grasp his destructive and callous cruelty toward you, and further – and even more unreasonable and unkind to yourself, that you should be able to decipher his messages, his motives and his meaning from his actions which are wholly self-serving and mystifying (and in my estimation, purposefully so on his part to keep you off-balance at firmly at the disadvantage in this) – all this places an incredibly costly and wearing burden on you, and ultimately leaves you more weary and troubled and worse off than you were even before. There is no benefit to you from engaging in this practice, only detriment, and it is to his advantage and his advantage, alone.

 

If he wanted to make himself clear and understood by you, he could easily do so. At the very least, he could try his best to do so. He does not. He teases at your potential recovery and healing with mixed messages, with unnecessarily cold responses, with seemingly unfeeling, inconsiderate, compassionless lack of contact. Why is he doing these things? We cannot know. What should you take away from them? Nothing about yourself as a person or a partner.

 

But you should see from them, in my rigorous opinion, what your next step should be – and that is any step you can take away from him, literally and figuratively speaking. In your heart, in your mind, in your thoughts, in your actions, separate yourself from him. Move away from him. Move past him. Move beyond him. Move toward a future in which you are happy and healthy and whole. Do not let him hold you back, exceptionally so when he progresses on his own, with only his own needs and desires and feelings in mind. Move on.

 

Whatever his motivations for it, he has left you behind. Do not remain there, stuck in the quagmire of his selfishly trying – or apathetically not trying – to leave you muddled and wounded. Do not allow him to believe he can keep you there, behind him, hurting and halted, waiting for him to return to you to rescue you at the point of his choosing, that you will simply stay there, defeated and dejected, if or until he decides to come back for you. Strive forward, seek more and better for yourself. Your future is not dependant on what he does or does not do, only what you do or do not do, now. Do, then, for yourself, as much as you can. He has made a grave mistake in dismissing you from his life. Do not make yourself the one to pay for it.

 

He is that man at the bridge. Is he a villain? Possibly. Is he scared? Probably. Is he hurting, remorseful, regretful? Doubtful, at least at this point. Will we ever know with infallible surety what he is doing, much less why? Never. Does any of it matter? Not one bit.

 

Of course, it matters to you, in that you are bearing the brunt of the pain and incomprehension of it all. But in the end, it does not matter in that you will not let it stop you. You will not let it so grievously alter the course of your life as to end it. You will not let it destroy you as a person nor as a future partner (when you are ready, and I agree with you that despite the very sweet intentions of your housemates, it is too soon. ‘Fixers’ are lovely people, and I am glad for the world of their existence, but they can be a bit trying to handle, at times, well-meaning as they are). You will not let it define who you are or what you do from here on out. You will not let yourself. Your family and friends will not let you. I will not let you. And you will triumph. I have no doubt.

 

This does not mean you are impervious to misery and uncertainty. You must not chastise yourself for not being able to strong-arm your heart into listening to your brain, at this juncture. You ask how any self-respecting person can wish to go back to someone who has discarded them so cruelly. My answer to this goes to the very core of Agreement Number Two.

 

What he has done, has not done, will or will not do in the future says absolutely nothing, nothing about you. It speaks only of him, his thinking, his character, his position in life. How hard to believe this must be. How difficult not to question, to worry and wonder that, having been discarded by someone you loved so deeply, it must mean that you are not worth keeping. But this is simply, intensely, overpoweringly untrue.

 

If he does not value you, it does not mean you are a person who is not valuable. It means only that he is a person incapable of recognizing, validating and protecting a person of value. If he rejects you, it does not mean you are someone who is not worthy of absolute worship, it means solely that he is someone who does not have the capacity to revere you.

 

It is immensely difficult to not personalize or internalize rejection in any form, but it is the crux of understanding human behavior and yourself. If someone cannot support and nurture, protect and provide for someone as special as you are, that is in no way a reflection of how special you in fact are, but purely what he is capable of recognizing and sustaining.

 

You are worthwhile, whether or not he substantiates this fact with his behavior in the face of it. He cannot lessen your worth or value. He can only appreciate the enormous gift of it or cost himself the benefit of it by failing to do so. It will never be a commentary of how important and special you are – it will only ever be a commentary about how capable he is of recognizing that worth and what he does with the gift of it. If he fails, as he has, to cherish and safeguard it, it does not lessen the miracle of it. It only shortchanges him on enjoying and flourishing in the face of it.

 

His horrifically disappointing behavior will hurt you. How can it not? But it cannot change you. It cannot take away from you the amazing person you are, unless you agree with it and work in collusion with it to lower your own worth. Do not let your sorrow and grief trick you into thinking this is a viable option. And do not let it confuse you into believing it is your only option. It absolutely is not. You can hurt, you can mourn, but you do not have to agree with this treatment. You can absolutely recover from it, and move on to bigger and better things, taking your special self with you. Do not leave it behind where he dropped it. It is worth far more than that. You are worth far more than that. Regardless whether or not he is capable of seeing it.

 

Your reaction to his behavior is telling, but of what? Are you a fool? Are you lean-witted? No, no, one thousand times no. You are a woman who loves deeply and fully and without reservation. You are able to give of yourself and your heart despite past disappointments. You will be able to do so, again, when the time is right and you feel ready.

 

Just as your worth and value does not change depending on someone else’s capacity to recognize it, so too does your heart not so easily vacillate between being ‘on’ or ‘off’ depending on how you are treated – at least in an immediate fashion.

 

Your emotions are earnest and genuine. You do not feel them lightly or thoughtlessly. Your heart is not fickle or self-interested. You do not grant your care and concern based on what the last thing done for you was, or how well it was done. Why would you expect to be able to toggle off your love like a light-switch? This is not how you give your love and so it is not how you can withdraw it.

 

Whether or not the object of your affection deserves that affection, you need time to reconcile yourself with such profound changes because your love, itself, is so profound. This says a great deal about who you are and the strength and breadth of your moral fiber, but it says nothing at all about your intelligence or self-esteem. You have every right to expect reciprocal, respectful and reliable devotion – and if it is not returned, you will require time to process and cope with such acute disappointment. This only makes sense.

 

You love deeply, you feel deeply – and if betrayed, you will hurt deeply. Some part of you will seek reconciliation simply to avoid that unfathomable hurt. Some part of you will be unable, at least for a time, to take in what has happened, because it is not what you would do to someone, and so is inherently alien and inconceivable an idea that someone – especially someone who was loved so well by you – could possibly do it to you.

 

Your faithfulness, your support, your devotion and ardor for your lover is magnificently, meaningfully multi-faceted – how could your grief over the abrupt end, through no choice of your own, to that relationship not provoke the very same intricate and complicated process?

 

You cannot have one without the other – and though your ex proved to be ultimately undeserving of your glorious, complex passions and dedication, that feeling and romantic philosophy is very much warranted and worthwhile. One day, you might find someone who truly justifies it. And in the meantime, you certainly do.

 

To give up on it is to give up on yourself, for it is who you are. To expect you to merely flip it off, walk away unscathed, never to consider, much less suffer in the wake of its loss is to expect you not to be the beautiful, complex and exceptional person you are. And what a loss that would be.

 

I am endlessly sorry you are suffering. But I am profoundly moved by your ability to feel so deeply, to love so truly and to experience heights (and so, sadly, inevitably the depths, as well) that most people cannot even comprehend of, much less encounter. Though I can see why it would not feel so at this moment, your style, your brave choices, are the far better alternative. Anything less is too much just that – less. And you deserve, with this and with anything, everything, more. Another case in point in which you cannot settle.

 

I am so sorry that you are suffering so severely right now. You have every right to your feelings and your pain and disappointment. I am not going to attempt to talk you out of them. But I do not want to leave you to endure them alone and without glimpse of escape routes, and why you deserve to employ them. You may not feel like this is so, but I think you are still doing an incredible job! You are still striving. You are still fighting. And though it may not seem so at this very moment, you are winning. The race is long and hard, but I think without doubt you will be victorious. And I am rooting you on now more than ever.

 

Please continue to update us with what you are thinking and feeling, as well as what you are doing and what is happening in your life. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well, as always. Where’s your new dress?

 

Wager