Silverbirch and Fellow-Travellers Journey

[Silverbirch]

Hello and THANK YOU again Wager. Firstly, even if I don't reply to all of your comments, doesn't mean I don't read or try to heed them. I read your posts over and over. I had posted again here this morning, but had a power cut at home and lost the post so brought my laptop into work and posting here now around midnight. I've officially finished work for the night, but doing a sleepover and will start again early tomorrow morning.

 

I was thinking today, and did something which others may disagree with, but I did it for my own peace of mind and because I genuinely have loved this man, and still do. I spoke with 2 female friends today. They each said different things about his behaviour, and they thought they knew what motivated him. I don't really need to go into it, but I decided to text his sister telling her that I have concerns for his well-being and his depression, and requested that she keep in regular contact with him and see that he is okay. I'm not expecting any reply from her, but I did that firstly because if you genuinely love a person, you don't stop just like that. Secondly, I wanted to do the right thing. If anything did happen to him and I had just been caught up in my own wounded ego, I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. Around 20 years ago, a friend of my ex-husband's was very mean to me without any obvious provocation. Not long after that, he suicided. Like you point out, we can't know what is going on in another's head, but we do have choices about our own behaviours and actions. I am glad that I was not vindictive towards my ex-husbands friends, and I think it very likely that throughout your life, you too, would have seen occasions when a person has done very mean things to others, and then something happens later which does explain some things about what may have motivated that behaviour.

 

I'm still very up and down, but making arrangements with various female friends to meet with them not too far from where I live. It is lovely countryside with nice little outdoor cafes and shops and good walkings spots - lots of trees. BTW, I meant to say to you, that I used to make a point of sitting under trees to feel revived from the energy I felt from them. Especially, I used to like to sit under the lilac flowered jacaranda trees as I had my lunch, and I would go back to work with the flowers fallen through my hair - a long time ago - we don't have many of those trees where I live now - it's too cold for them. Lady at work who is getting me the crystal earrings gave me a big hug when I got to work today and it felt so good!

 

I realised also a significance with silver birch trees in my life. I've lived in a couple of places where we had them and always loved them. There was one in my exes yard when I moved in with him which was dying. I did a lot of things to try to save it to no avail! I am thinking of taking your advice about getting tree where I live now, but wondered would it be okay if I got a Royal Cape/Cape Cod blue flowering climbing shrub instead. I planted one here last year, and it has grown very well despite me never having luck with them in the past. I'd like to plant another.

 

When I spoke with my friend Helen K. today, she said to me that she believes that I am in love with love and being in love. She says she believes it isn't G I genuinely love, just love that I love. I know I do love love. I do love G and I find it hard to believe that he will ever meet anyone who will love him as much as I do even though I'm doing my best to move on and leave him on his journey without me.

 

Found out my mum has been in hospital these last 2 days, and I'm very keen to go home and see her. I was thinking today of how when I was a little girl, I loved to play hairdressers with my mum. I would make her sit in a chair, and I would brush and play with her lovely long, thick, dark hair. When I see her next, I'm going to do that again.

 

I hope you are well Wager, many thanks, and I'm looking forward to hearing from you again. Warmest wishes.

[Silverbirch]

Today was mostly one foot in front of the other. It was perfect weather. I finished work mid-morning, and went to one of those street cafes I had mentioned earlier. By coincidence, it was called the "All Seasons Cafe." I also went to a nice, but very reasonably priced gift store next to it. Bought some gifts for close friends and a lovely necklace for myself - multiple fine strands of chains with lots of small shiny pink crystals worn high on the neck. It felt nice to have some sparkle, even if it wasn't from within. I also went looking at new furniture - well not brand new, but very good second-hand.

 

G's sister texted me back a nice message with kisses. I wished her well and told her I was moving away on my journey and leaving G to his. Wished her well.

 

I'm hoping to be able to take tomorrow off work and will sort through the bags of my things which G left for me on the patio. It's apparent, he has just gotten the drawers in the bedroom and tipped all of my things into big bags. So obviously there will be things not worth hanging onto.

 

Work is still a bit stressful, but not quite as bad. Unfortunately, I caught 2 workers out having done the wrong thing which had some negative consequences for others. I only moved into a management position 5 months ago, and have had to adapt to making some decisions which have the potential to make me unpopular, but I owe it to others to carry through. It's going to mean those people stand to lose their jobs. It will be good to get a break from work.

[Silverbirch]

Toda I want to return to the Land of the Living. Where to start???

[Silverbirch]

I used a day's sick pay today. Went to the doc who says to just come back if I keep losing weight. Have lost around 6kgs in the last 6 weeks and probs eating. I organised with work to take 10 days off from the 5th May, and will fly up to stay with my mum for a week or so on the 7th. Trying to get things done before I go. I can hardly wait to be gone.

 

When I went to doc today, I didn't have my usual GP and had to explain things to him, which was a bit distressing, but probably good for me. As I heard myself speak, I thought how shallow, immature and despicable my ex must have sounded.

 

I went and bought those rugs for my living area, and I think my place is going to come up nicely. I will have a couple of days at home when I come back from Mum's so hopefully get some things done then, and hoping son will be able to come out too.

 

Well, extending my warmest wishes to all here, especially to anyone and everyone going through a hard time right now.

[Silverbirch]

Tonight I became a madwoman and went around to G's place to tell him what I thought. When I unpacked the bags, I found all sorts of things which I hadn't expected. He hadn't even officially told me the relationship was over, and as I mentioned, I wasn't supposed to get my things for a few weeks at his suggestion as he knew I was very emotional, partly due to us "having a break" and also Helen M's passing away. I'd asked for one of my computer accessories to be left out on his patio and I would collect. He has packed my toilettries and pyjammas, and even sanitary products. It was hurtful and humiliating.

 

I bawled and then snapped and got in my car, drove to his place to demand he have the courage and decency to actually tell me it was over and not carry on with his lies and deceit. He wasn't home - his car wasn't there after I checked, but the lights were on and there were about 30 candles lit in the living room and chocolates and lollies on the coffee table just like he used to do for me. Well, obviously he's doing that for somebody else now.

 

I was going to wait in my car for him to come home. I thought it likely he had popped out to get a bottle of wine for the "special occasio". I rang Helen K who lives down the road. She insisted I come to her place for a coffee and to maintain my dignity by not knocking on his door. She had been there done that so I went and had a coffee with her and we shared madwoman stories. We cried and laughed and cried together. We talked about our ex's not having anything in the looks department but how we loved them so intensely for the beautiful people we thought we knew they were. It was the same with both of us - men constantly telling us how much they loved and adored us blah, blah, blah, and then we both find ourselves suddenly discarded for other women. I told her about a lot of pressure he had put on me with regard to sex. Initially it had been 5 times a day, but I couldn't keep that up and hold down a job and do everything else. Then with sickness, ah that was another failing of mine he complained about when he gave me the time apart spiel, I could not be as sexually available as a working woman in a brothel.

 

I feel old and plain and not good about myself right now although I know I need to adjust my thinking. I fantasise that one day he will come back and say he made a mistake, but I will have moved on and be happy, and won't even WANT to be back with him. I so hope one day I can feel that way.

[Silverbirch]

I think I'm now understanding how it feels to have some type of manic mental illness. I cried most of today. I felt utterly defeated. In my misery, I conceded to myself that despite G's faults and the things he has done, I truly love him, and cannot imagine how I will be able to live happily without him or get over this. I'm exhausted. The worst part is acknowledging to myself that he does not love me.

 

As I had to work today, the things of mine he put in bags on his patio is half-unpacked. I can't seem to finish it - because it's too hard for me to face. hinking of going down there later and binning most of it - well, I'll need to put it in a pile and take it to the tip.

[Silverbirch]

PS Wager, I forgot to mention that I got an email from David today saying "we should meet up for coffee and go for a joyflight over the valley when the time suits."

 

He's been busy on his property out on his tractor every day of late, but has been flying of late also and very busy with his equine studies.

[Silverbirch]

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[Silverbirch]

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[Silverbirch]

A lot of crying and sadness these last couple of days. Tonight is my last shift at work before taking 10 days leave and going home to my family in another state for a week.

 

This morning, I cleaned up a lot of the mess from unpacking my things which G had dumped on his patio. This site has been a real lifesaver.

 

I really need to be doing a major de-clutter of my home and putting away things which G gave me or which remind me of him. I also need to write a list of goals for the next 6 months.

 

I'll see if I can find one of those flowering shrubs today and over the next couple of days. Garden could do with a good weed too. It's late autumn here, and the weeds will slow down. Hopefully, I'll do a bit before I go. Thursday I have to take my dog for clipping and visiting Anne, a friend that same day, but I have so much to do before I go that I won't get much of a chance to see anyone before I get back.

 

Yesterday, I bought a piece of furniture. It's very nice - a large entertainment stand for my television and stereo and has several cupboards, including 2 leadl light doors. It's large - 8 feet lot and nearly 5 feet high. It's being delivered on Friday night. Once I get this de-cluttering and cleaning done, I can make a start on the more creative and fun things.

 

I'll also go through my wardrobe and stuff, and try to look nice. One of the things which G put on the patio was a beautiful designer evening gown which I haven't fitted into since shortly after getting together with him. I tried it on this morning, and don't need to lose much weight now to get back into it. I'm not a big person, but I used to be told all the time that I had a lovely figure, and I want to get that back and get into that dress - and of course go somewhere to wear it.

 

If I get time, I will go to another place Wednesday to see if I can come in part way through the term to a Latin dance/exercise workout about a 15 minute drive away.

 

Doggie is barking so I'd better get back to things.

 

I so want the place to be tidy when my son comes

[Silverbirch]

Tonight I visited Helen K on my way home from work. I drove past G's place on my way home from Helen's. As I drove past, I saw that there was a woman sitting in the front room at the computer. It would have been after 10.30pm. She had shoulder length blonde hair, and looked younger than me. He used to often say how much he liked my shoulder length blonde hair. It wasn't anybody I recognised. I just felt sick. If he dumped me for another woman, and dumped me in such a callous way, I am so much better off without him. It hurt more to know that the hurt and devastation I have felt would mean nothing to him if there is another woman. He would likely have not given me another thought. Mind you, in my madwoman mode, it occurred to me that when he was with me in the early days, I would not have been sitting at the computer late at night because he could not keep his hands off me, and we barely left the bedroom except to eat and bath.

 

My ex ex also dumped me suddenly. There was another woman (and probably more than one). When I confronted him, he denied, denied, denied, but when I was proven right, he blamed me for his philandering. I actually believed it and nearly had a breakdown, and tried so hard to change anything about myself which he criticised. Then a year later, I caught him out again with another woman and told her she could have him. That didn't work out,he was leaving cards and flowers on my doorstep, and then rang me within an hour of his mother dying. He wanted me to go to the funeral with him. Told him I couldn't. He put an add in the newspaper for his mother's death and funeral and named me as "loving daughter-in-law." We had never married and nobody in his family ever contacted me after he dumped me. They used to tell me how much they all loved me and howw I was the best thing to happen to him. I hadn't been with him for a year. He rang me from the funeral and then afterwards. I wasn't cruel - I couldn't be to anyone in that situation, but I just texted him wishing him well. When he continued texting, I didn't reply and have never heard from him since. I don't want to either.

 

When I met G., I thought he was so different, and so did my son. I thought G. was unlike anyone I had ever met, and was my soulmate. He used to tell me I was his.

 

I have a friend named Leanne who believes she is psychic. I know that she has told women I know that they have been pregnant before they have known themselves. She is insisting that G does not have another woman, that he doesn't know what he wants,and that he put my things on the patio because he is angry with me, the world and with his situation. She believes that G will contact me in 4-6 months and explain some things to me. I hope if this does happen that I am over him by then.

[Silverbirch]

I haven't cried since I saw that woman, but I have had heartburn which woke me all through the night. It's still with me so I will get some antacid for it soon. I have so much to do here before I go away.

 

I feel so disgusted and revolted and bitter.

[Silverbirch]

I have a tremor now and getting headaches which I think might be related to not being able to eat. My Mum wants me to see a professsional when I go home

because every time I speak with her I am crying. I cried a lot yesterday from the afternoon onwward. Yesterday felt like my worst day ever. I did goto a beauty salon and had some things done and bought some very good hair products (made from Morroccan Oil). At least my hair looks good if nothing else.

 

I'm going to see Anne this morning and get my doggie clipped.

[Silverbirch]

G contacted me today by text asking if he could ring which then led to me meeting with him. It's officially over. I'm okay. I'm going to learn from this and move on in my life. I wrote about what happened in another post. I'm not sorry I met with him, but want to add that a large part of me knew that a large part of me didn't ever want to go back to him because of how he treated me, and also because the people who love me, my family and friends told me honestly he was no good for me and that I needed to walk away from him. It was sort of weird because when he was talking to me, I was aware of emotional surges of wanting to be back with him, but intellectually, I knew this to be some type of emotional phenomena I don't fully understand, but my gut instinct told me not to take those emotional surges at face value. I think the surges are something like breaking an attachment and part of the heart is saying, no, no, it hurts, but the stronger part says grit your teeth for a minute - like when you need to pull off a bandage of a hairy part of your body.

 

Anyway, it's all here. I'm proud of myself and grateful to my friends, especially Kevin, Helen K, Helen M. who recently passed away and my lovely Mum.

 

 

[Silverbirch]

I've woken up feeling really, really revolted. My self-esteem doesn't feel too great today.I'm feeling like I will never be able to trust again, and that I'm only ever going to be used - not just for sex, but for a lot of things. Certain now that reasons G pursued me were to care for his children, help him pay his mortgage, really, anything he could get. I've been thinking about the nice things he used to say to me which I foolishly believed he meant. I know my confidence and self-esteem are not meant to come from others, but I'm feeling so screwed up and screwed over this morning, I hardly know where to start. I'm going to be busy getting everything ready to go away tomorrow.

[Silverbirch]

Some crazy moments. I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. I wish it would all go away.