NC hand written letter - thoughts needed!

[CrazyMiner]

Hi everyone!

 

This is a NC letter that I am planning to hand write to my ex GF who I was with for 8 years. If you haven't read the story of all this you can find it by going via my profile and searching for my last posts.

 

I know now after a period of 5 - 6 weeks of being broken up we do need to have time apart, as at the moment we are meeting every 10 - 14 days for a catch up and I think that she is starting to feel a bit nervous meetings. I want to keep the door open for a second chance down the line but only after we have both healed and become the new me and the new her. Let me know if I am hitting the right sort of spots:

 

 

Hi Faith,

 

I hope everything is going alright with your granddads recovery and that he remembered to eat his grapes!

 

We were together for 8 years. Although we had some pretty tough times, we also had some fantastic ones. We grew up together, going from high school to University and then into our careers. We travelled, lived in some wonderful houses and apartments, and even got to stay a few times in a suite at the Waldorf Hilton!

 

But, something is wrong. I hope you know that I don’t blame you for the break up. Yes, it was a shock when you told me, but slowly I’m coming round to understanding all the reasons why. I agree, I think we became broken. We had trust issues which never really went away, and we became a bit stagnant / comfy.

 

I want you to know how proud I am of you – you’ve been enjoying yourself and starting to find out who you are as you rather than us, as we always were. I think it’s great that you’ve got these amazing friends to fall back on who have made things a lot easier for you by not bringing up the break up etc, and are getting back in contact with people you haven’t spoken to for a while... what a blast from the past!

 

In a way I want to thank you as well for making the brave move to make us separate... if I was observant enough I should have seen what was happening and not let you have to stress over finally telling me as you did and make that sort of move myself. I’m socialising a hell of a lot more; I’m starting to create a proper circle of acquaintances which are turning to friends which I is something that I’ve never really pursued previously, and I’m certainly finding that I don’t have to rely on blonde haired Ben for my sole social interaction anymore! I’ve found a badminton partner, signed up to a touch Rugby league and a team (after speaking to the guy I found out that it’s actually the Didsbury RFC, ironic huh?), and started running which is really allowing me to try new things and just enjoy life a bit more!

 

This next part is very hard for me to say, but as much as I love spending time with you and can’t imagine not having you in my life in some capacity, I think, to help both our healing processes, that we should try a proper period of not meeting and only really talking to discuss ‘business’ things like the house. You know how much I care for you, but for both our sakes I feel that it is needed and I hope that you understand where I am coming from with my, albeit rather scattered looking, thought process. The last thing I would ever want is for you or I to feel suffocated when we are trying to be friends, and I feel that without a proper period of time where we’ve taken a further step away from each other this is starting to happen, though correct me if I am wrong. I truly believe that it will be a positive and healthy move for the both of us, the chances of us being ‘super friends’ or even anything more in the future will potentially be marked with the ‘old us’ and our problems rather than allowing us to be the new Faith, and the new Phil, and seeing what happens from there.

 

We will still have to speak from time to time, but during this period of no face to face contact this can be over the phone or by email. Do remember though that if there are ever any real problems or emergencies that I will always be there to answer the phone if things go pear shaped!

 

Please excuse the fact that this has been delivered via your mum, think of it as a sort of Royal Faith postal service. I’ve always thought there is something quite quaint and special about hand written letters, and it allows me to get it all accross in a succinct manner and lets you read it over at your leisure. I would have posted it to Cleveleys but I know your Nan opens your mail and I didn’t think it would be the best thing for her to be reading at the moment!

 

 

It is almost finished, I'm just trying to work out the end bit. Thoughts please!

[endy]

Look at the example NC letter in this guide. Follow that, you are talking about too many feelings. I don't know what your intentions are reconciliation etc etc... but if you are going to go NC go all out on it. Hell read the whole thing and think about the guide too. Decide if it's what you really want. You really should do this right after a break up.

 

link removed

 

The NC letter example is near the end.

[CrazyMiner]

Look at the example NC letter in this guide. Follow that, you are talking about too many feelings. I don't know what your intentions are reconciliation etc etc... but if you are going to go NC go all out on it. Hell read the whole thing and think about the guide too. Decide if it's what you really want. You really should do this right after a break up.

 

link removed

 

The NC letter example is near the end.

 

 

Thanks for the reply Endy. To be honest, I don't think that the NC template letter that you suggested is the right sort of format for me... Ultimately I am looking for us to get back together, or at least have the chance of something in the future, with at the very least remaining friends after a period of NC. That template letter is looking for the opposite, a way of ensuring that you do not get your ex back.

[endy]

Why is it that you are not together anymore?

[CrazyMiner]

Why is it that you are not together anymore?

 

I've got a thread up which explains it, which can be found here:

 

 

 

I was going to write a brief discription but it wouldn't do it justice... if you could read over that and then pop back here it would be appreciated!

[ForumGuy]

Not going with the template is fine, but it is still too long. In your own words, you are looking to "hit the right sort of spots", which could be viewed as a form of manipulation (aka...looking for a specific result).

 

If you do decide to send it as-is, be sure to stick to your words.

 

In cases where I have been the dumper, and have been sent long letters like this, I usually don't even read them.

[LoveHearts21]

I personally think the letter is too long and too much detail. I would keep the letter very short and brief otherwise you may find she won't reply or not even read it at all.

[O-shen]

Mate i like your letter and it is the same kind of thing i would right.

 

But i think if you make it shorter, strip it back to the important parts, it will have far more impact. I like the fact you make a few lighthearted jokes to ease the tension, but if you want to make an impact, you want every sentence to be powerful, to take your breath away. And you have it there my friend, you do, you just need to strip away all the light hearted talk.

So that when she reads it and gets to the end it's like " .....woah...."

 

The meaning will still be the same, but with much more impact. Either way, its a good letter mate and best of luck.

[CrazyMiner]

Mate i like your letter and it is the same kind of thing i would right.

 

But i think if you make it shorter, strip it back to the important parts, it will have far more impact. I like the fact you make a few lighthearted jokes to ease the tension, but if you want to make an impact, you want every sentence to be powerful, to take your breath away. And you have it there my friend, you do, you just need to strip away all the light hearted talk.

So that when she reads it and gets to the end it's like " .....woah...."

 

The meaning will still be the same, but with much more impact. Either way, its a good letter mate and best of luck.

 

Thanks Rockhopper, I'm going to work on it over the weekend to get it right. Is there anything you think I should take out or add? Perhaps the bit about being proud of her? I thought it might just sound a bit odd but on the other hand I do mean it. We were together for such a long time I can't really help but say how I feel.

 

Also, can you recommend any particular sentences that could be shortened for that ".....woah....." factor? I was hoping that for the most part she would smile and remember the good memories after reading this rather than the standard NC email/letter which is basically "don't call me at all".

[endy]

Sorry to say this but after reading that post it looks like the trust is gone. I want you to understand that people that love each other grow together, but some relationships naturally grow apart and this is what it looks like to me. You are both young, and you already have learned the lesson of what happens when trust is broken. It is almost impossible to repair. If I were you, sure send the letter, go NC until you learn, heal and grow as a person and then see what happens. Do not initiate contact after that letter is sent.

 

Ultimately you are going to do what you are going to do. You are thinking with your heart right now. The only way you are going to begin thinking with your head is to go NC for a long bit. The hardest thing to do is usually the right one.

[ForumGuy]

I just went and read your original post about your break-up.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this letter makes you appear needy. Your ex is having fun right now, as most dumpers do initially when they free themselves from a relationship. The last thing they want is to be bothered with the hassles of the old relationship. She told you, "maybe later we will be back together" (or something close to that). She said this because she is not completely sure of her decision yet and wants to keep you around in case she regrets it. You have to give her the time and space to regret it. Being needy is not the way to do this. Good luck with the letter and I hope it works for you, I really do.

Do not initiate contact after that letter is sent

This is what I meant about backing up your words. You will be in far worse shape, from both her end and your end, if you send the letter and then contact her.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks ForumGuy. So do you mean do not initiate contact at all after I send the letter, or just keep the odd phone conversation purely business? Obviously we will still need to talk from time to time due to the house... it will take time to rent it out etc or perhaps sell it etc.

[ForumGuy]

I'm just saying you have to mean what you say and stick to it. Therefore, be careful what you say, and I know you are being very careful. If contact cannot be avoided, then yes, keep any necessary contact strictly to business. If a person says they are going NC and then breaks it, respect from the other party goes downhill real fast.

 

You should consider carefully that the reality here is that your ex is newly single and out having fun.....it is harsh, but there is nothing you can do about this. I would guess that you have already let her know that you don't want the break-up and that you will always be there if she needs you. If so, then that was enough.

 

You will look much more powerful and in control to her, as well as start to build your own self esteem back up if you get tough and experience the pain of the break-up without involving her with this letter. I have been around a long time and most of my break-ups have been me being the dumper....I hate it when these kinds of letters are sent to me. It adds to her "nervousness" as you put it. Dumpers want to be free of the relationship and all to do with it....sometimes it is temporary, sometimes forever.

[CrazyMiner]

Yea I know what you're getting at in terms of making sure that I stick to what I say, I am now past the tearful phone calls asking for her back or bring back up the relationship as after reading some of the comments I can see how this probably made me look to her.

 

Do you think that I need to state a definite period of NC, say 2 - 3 months? We will have been separated then for over 4 months and I would like to leave the option open to restart the odd phone based catch up after this period, with the ball in her court of course.

 

One of the reasons for sending the letter is that we agreed to meet again in about 10 days. I saw the letter as a way of cancelling that whilst also getting the NC message accross.

[kingofatlantis]

No need to state a period just state that you're going NC don't attach any time limits. Take the time you need to heal. and the letter is too long make it short and get to the point, Unless the meeting is about the house or something important or reconciliation cancel it you don't need a meeting you haven't left her alone yet how can she miss you? its time you live your own life and stop giving her the best of both worlds.

 

Stick to your guns like forumguy said show her you don't need her in life but rather you want to share it with her.