how is nc maniputating?

[ferna3069]

ok so i was looking up no contact to see where people are at in healing. i found varies post saying that no contact is manipulating. i found a site saying the same thing. out of a guy who started a ebook.now im wondering because i dont want to seem manipulating.

 

after a month of the break up. i told my ex that i need time to heal.in my head i was thinking she is just giving me mixed signals. i need to heal. but thinking about it she got mad at me at first. then she started to cry because she said i promised to always be her friend. which i actuly said i wasnt sure i could be friends. i did not tell her only contact me if you want to get back.i just told her i need to heal. but after reading the post im wondering if it looked like i was manipulating her. to me no contact is not only healing. but its the true test. because if they love you they will come back. if there feelings wernt that strong atleast i started the healing process. she did want to talk but knowing i wanted to be with her . i thought it would of been a bad idea.some people say the oppiste that its wrong not tlking to her

[Kev0s1983]

There is NO WAY you are being manipulative. You clearly state - "i told my ex that i need time to heal".

 

...

 

Nuff said. Stick with your guns - you are doing the right thing for you and thats what its all about.

[dramallama]

It's not manipulating. If anything, an ex dumping you but still expecting YOU to hang around and not move on is manipulating. NC can be broken down like this. Your ex dumps you. So you tell them that you respect their decision but it's not in your best interests to keep in contact. Your expectations of each other are not matching so it's best for both of you to part ways. If anything, it takes courage and self esteem to go NC. It is not childish at all.

 

NC can ONLY be seen as manipulating if you are using it to get your ex back. If your ex comes back, that is a SIDE EFFECT (one that doesn't happen too often, but it might) but not the goal of NC. Never feel guilty for taking steps to move on when your ex has told you they don't want you in their future.

 

It was THEIR choice not to be with you, not yours, so let them live with that choice, but more importantly, do it for yourself so that you can completely heal.

[ferna3069]

yeah i see what you both mean. i did not want to seem like i pas pressuring her when she broke up with me. she told me she wanted to be friends. when i told her im not sure i can be friends. her mom over heard me and got mad. screaming you cant even be her friend?!!!!i never once told her its all or nothing because to me it seems more manipulating. i wonder why her mom would get mad. by the way im 21 she was 22 when this happened. turned 23 three days later

[dramallama]

Her mum was probably feeling protective of her daughter, but it really isn't any of her business, TBH.

[Sjan]

*It was THEIR choice not to be with you, not yours, so let them live with that choice, but more importantly, do it for yourself so that you can completely heal.*

 

I LIKE this one!

[Hollyj]

Her mother had no right saying that, especially since her daughter dumped you!

 

NC is only a manipulation if it is done with intention of getting the ex back.

 

You CANNOT be friends with someone you care about, it doesn't work. i tried this, and it made me further deplete my self-esteem and caused unnecessary pain.

The only way you will find some peace and heal is to go NC.

 

Good luck!

[ferna3069]

it was a bad break up. her mom even told me off. my family deleted my ex and her mom .at first i deleted her mom to. my ex was real mad saying its bull. then i told her to stop with the attitude or il delete her. i deleted her. and she was mad with me

[ferna3069]

I LIKE this one!

 

what you mean by that?

[dramallama]

Are you in NC now ferna?

[ferna3069]

yeah actualy i am. i havent contacted her because im scared that she will hurt me more. i never had a break up like this

[greywolf]

It depends on the reasons. A lot of people start NC not because they need time to heal and move on but because they're trying to get their ex back.

[Hollyj]

The mother sounds like a nut!

[ferna3069]

The mother sounds like a nut!

 

you have no idea. when i met her for the first time she was a real nice lady. i started to think of her as a mother. but after the break up she was a complelty different person. my ex never had a bf before me.her mom actualy would talk about her. and i was there for my ex telling her everything was going to be ok. after the break up she became over protective. it was weird to me because they would always fight

[ForumGuy]

NC is only manipulating (a game) if you keep going back and forth with it because you aren't getting the "results" you want.

[ferna3069]

i dont know what in going to tell her if she calls when the month is over. because i told her to give me a month

[dramallama]

You are not even going to ready to be friends in a month. SHE should be conacting YOU to let you know that she wants to come back. You can't say "I'll do NC for a month then she'll want to be back with me, or then she'll change her mind." You need to do NC for yourself forever - to heal from someone that has ALREADY rejected you. It won't end well if you go back to her. You are playing with fire if you go back.

[ferna3069]

thats the thing im not going to call her. i just wonder if i should answer the phone if she calls

[dramallama]

Well, that's something that you need to decide now. Get some confidence and stop allowing HER to control what happens.