CrazyMiner Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Hi everyone! Basically around 4 weeks ago my ex girlfriend told me that she wanted to separate. It came as a real shock and seemed completely out of the blue. I'm 23 (she's 22) and we had been together permanently for 8 years. Around 6 months ago we purchased a house together and everything just seemed perfect. Apparently the catalist was that one evening about a week before we broke up she started talking online and on Skype to a guy that she used to know back home. But when I say talking, they would be speaking for hours... I was pretty unwell at the time and wanted her to come up to bed so I went down after they had been speaking for around 3 - 4 hours and asked if she was coming up. Basically we argued and she then slept in the spare room. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this guy - they haven't had any contact for at least 5 years and when we knew him then he was openly gay. My ex still tells me that he is gay but I don't know what to believe. The weirdest thing though is that after only speaking for a few nights and not having talked for years she was inviting him to visit her (this was before we broke up). I know that she did have a bit of a school girl crush on him back then... plus I've just seen some photos on FaceBook of them in a club with a few of her kissing him on the cheek (her main profile pic is now one of these). She works away most of the week (she is a Doctor) and so we didn't see each other for a few days after that argument, but when we did catch up we went for a meal and at the end she told me that she wanted to split. I was a bit taken aback obviously as she had just been to have her hair done and said on the phone she wanted to show it off to me. She then went off on a holiday that we had booked only a few weeks early (her mum lives abroad and we were going to stay with her) and I went down to visit my parents as I had already booked the time off work. I feel I should add here that trust has been an issue for a couple of years. I got very ill around 5 years ago and started talking to a guy online, just chatting away. This then turned to a sexual conversation, and she found the emails. We did stay together, but trust has always been a problem since then. I have regretted what happened ever since and apologised so many times for it... I didn't even really have feelings for what we were discussing I was just in a bad place at the time. I'm having a really difficult time at the moment. Even though it has been over a month since the separation I just can't stop thinking of anything else. I want to be back with her so badly but at the moment the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. We are trying to be friends... meeting every 10 days or so to grab some food and have a catch up. She has said quite a few times things along the lines of "perhaps in 6 months we could try it again, but it would have to be as the new people we have become not a repeat of the old us" and that she "will always love me, but isn't 'in love' with me at the moment - I just don't know what to make of those sorts of statements, is that her trying to let me down gently or could she perhaps just have itchy feet? I mean, because we were a couple from a young age she/we never had the opportunity to be 'young, free and single'. We may have become a bit 'comfy' with buying the house etc, but she now goes out a lot more than she did before, but I suppose this may have something to do with the fact that she is now not having to divide her time between the two cities. In these sorts of situations, do couples ever get back together? I've tried (and failed) at phoning her, letting her know how I feel etc. I put some songs on her Spotify account and at first she text me to say that I got points for creativity but not to add anymore songs, however she then phoned an hour later and we had an argument because it upset her listening "to those types of songs". I just don't know what to do. She has asked for space and I'm now able to give her this, I let her phone me rather than calling her and try to keep all communication to a minimum (all though my heart is wrenching inside by doing this). The other issue is that we had a lot of 'couple friends' that have fizzled out since we broke up, at least towards me. I'm trying to go to socialising events and get back into sport which is all stuff that I let slide after a few years due to work and us being together etc, plus I work from home so my social life at the moment is pretty shocking. Any advice would be appreciated! Link to comment
kingofatlantis Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Looks like Classic GIGS to me since you guys were together for so long and since you were so young she probably has wondered what else is out there and it usually happens to people in their 20's the only thing you can really do is give her space and let her figure herself out pushing and pressuring her will only make things work. you seem to have a good head between your shoulders and you seem to be taking the issue pretty well good job! Don't put your life on hold her for her you are now single and she is likely dating so go out and date as well who knows maybe you'll find someone better. and you said your social life isn't great well nows the time to get back in there champ! Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Hi kingofatlantis, thanks for the reply, it made me smile! I might write as if I am handling it well but if I'm honest it hurts every day! I mean, only a few months ago we bought a house for £160,000 so a separation was the last thing I was expecting! When we purchased the house I naturally thought that things like the trust issue had finally calmed down. About 2 weeks ago I turned down a promotion which would have involved me moving away, mostly because I knew through a friend that she was pretty upset about the thought of me moving away and us not having a chance to potentially get back to get in the future. She came round to visit a few days after I was offered the promotion and said that if we did ever get back together she would be up for moving to that particular city, so I felt that there was some hope. However, we fell out on the phone about a week later and she said that she "knew what she was saying" when she said that, which I assume to mean that she was probably just trying to get me to take the job so that I would move away and she would feel more space. Or am I reading too much into that? Link to comment
kingofatlantis Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 If that promotion is still open I would jump on it right now! you're definitely reading into it too much who cares really! if she made a mistake she'll surely let you know she wants you back and if she wants space give her more than enough, move away take that promotion start a new life. It will hurt for awhile especially due to the time together but it does get better! I was devastated when my ex left me and jumped into a relationship 2 weeks after but eventually you'll see how much happier you can be I've reconnected socially and realized a relationship will never beat your best friends. Enjoy being single being happy while alone is probably one of the greatest things someone can achieve. Do things you couldn't while together! we both know there were those activities you couldn't do just enjoy life and she'll end up a fond memory rather than a painful one. She left you and she is no longer your priority it is not your job to make her happy and base decisions around her anymore. Right now it is only about you and what will benefit you. Link to comment
PrettyGood Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Well she's using you as a friend with advantages. You know what I mean. I'm not talking about having sex, I'm talking that she's using you when she feels lonely or when she doesn't have what to do. Then she meets you, because she knows you well. It's very comfortable to have such kind of friend. How can she count the exact period of months when you will MAYBE get back together? It's impossible. If she doesn't love you at this moment, then she will have this friendship until these 6 months pass and she will MAYBE find a new boyfriend. Don't be stupid. Use this time to improve yourself as a person (your hobbies, your job, your time with friends...) Use this time for anything that you couldn't do while been with her. If you be next to her each day by day missing her, then one day will be the worst day for you - because you will learn nothing from this situation (and that's already happening. Ding! Ding!) Let HER miss you. I'm not suggesting not to see her or not to be friends (because you are already broken as a couple), but just use more time for yourself. And when she calls you next time to catch up, tell her that you have "some very interesting activity" (imagine some if you don't have one) and you can't meet her at the moment (change the game rules). For example softly tell her that you are going to meet one person. She will be interested if it's a women (female jealousy works!) and you say "Maybe, why asking?" Believe me, she will try to return you or if she doesn't love you at all, then she will leave you. And then - why would YOU need the one who doesn't need you? Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 Bit of an update: I met up with her last night to have a catch up and initially she was quite cold which is the complete opposite to her usual personality. When we have met up previously since we broke up she was always quite affectionate in that she would kiss me on the cheek when we left and give me a hug. This time she was a bit more distant, at first at least. It turns out that she was still annoyed at me for something I had done the week before where we ended up having an argument on the phone (basically I told her that I had been picking up mixed signals due to her over-affectionate manner, but she insisted that it was only meant in a friendly way and so we ended up having a bit of a sob and a falling out... she insists that if we can manage to be friends that we would be 'special friends', as in we have a large background etc). This did settle down though and she warmed up a bit after I apologised (we were sat in her bedroom at this point discussing house issues). Because I'm very close to her grand parents (basically treated them as my own as I never met my grand dads) we went accross to visit him in hospital as he had just had an operation. We bumped into her mum and grand mother and had a good chat before leaving for dinner. In the car on the way I did bring up the subject of no contact. I said that some people had suggested this and she said the same. But I could tell that this isn't what she wanted and obviously my heart keeps telling me the same. At the restaurant we had a good chat about what we'd been up to over the past 2 weeks, basically just normal friend chat. We ate there for a while but as we were sat by the door we both got pretty cold and decided to leave. She invited me in for tea and cakes (which I found odd as surely if she had no/little feelings for me, she could have just ended the night there rather than inviting me back in???) and chatted further for about another hour about anything and everything. She then went to the bathroom, and I did something I think I regret. I checked one of her text messages (SMS's) to this guy she talks to a lot... he is gay, he had visited her last weekend and insisted on taking her to gay bars etc and he was apparently annoyed that he hadn't been hit on by any men where as lesbians had been dancing with her. Basically, she had text him just before I arrived saying something along the lines of "here we go again. not sure I will ever get used to this" which I take to mean us catching up once a fortnight. Also, she had tried to cancel on me the previous evening stating she was busy etc with her grand dad and couldn't come to my city. I offered to go to her as I was pretty near with work that day anyway, however there was another text between her and this gay guy the previous evening saying "my plan worked, he is coming to Preston!!! (the city she lives in)... But he never really did understand my communication" which I have taken to mean that perhaps she was actually trying to cancel on me for the sake of cancelling rather than being busy where as I was simply trying to solve a problem and make it easier for her. When she got back from the bathroom, I didn't mentioned I had seen the texts but basically said to her that, although I loved spending time with her, if it was causing too much upset or if she was just meeting up for me and not because she actually wanted to, that I was happy to go with what she wanted to do (here I was trying to judge whether there would ever be any chance of a 'second chance'). Even though I gave her the option, she said that she had had a good time tonight as well as the last time we met and basically that she was happy to keep meeting every 10 days to 2 weeks or so. The last thing we discussed was the house again before I left. We've sort of decided to rent it out fully rather than me stay in it and find a lodger for one of the other rooms as it works out better financially for the two of us. I asked her how long she wanted to rent it out for, as in short term or longer term, and the first thing she came back with was "well if we did ever get back together we wouldn't be staying in the house anyway (due to our jobs and where their located) so lets rent it out long term"... does this sort of statement suggest that somewhere in her mind there is the possibility of us getting back together some time? It just seemed an odd thing to say if not, especially coupled with the fact that we went back to her for tea and cakes after the meal (she suggested this). Link to comment
kingofatlantis Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Whether there is a possibility of reconciliation or not you cannot let her drag you along with statements like "well if we did ever get back together we wouldn't be staying in the house anyway (due to our jobs and where their located) so lets rent it out long term" forget this she seems to be trying to lead you on or keep you as a safety net/fall back and you shouldn't have snooped on the phone but curiosity happens so I don't blame you. She said she'll never get used to it well help her get used to you being just a friend by disappearing. Honestly I would detach as much history as you guys have had you need time for yourself she and her family are no longer a priority a visit here and there wont hurt though (to her grand parents) stop seeing each other for dates go NC and disappear let her know its to move on and heal, that there are no hard feelings attached. When she left you she chose to remove you as someone who is always there for her. Let her figure out what she wants she seems to want to reconcile but doesn't want to at the same time. This confusion and mixed signals will only play to hurt you in the long run so please do yourself a favor and get out and disappear so you can heal that way if reconciliation does occur it will happen in a new light! Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 Hi again Kingofatlantis and thanks for the reply. You are correct that I want nothing more than for us to be back together, but I am starting to get very worried that I am going about everything the wrong way. As we have been together for over 8 years and we met at the age of 15, neither of us has broken up from a relationship before in the past. The main tie we have at the moment between us is the house we purchased 6 months ago - unfortunately this isn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon. How can I go NC if we have something to consider/talk about such as this? You've mentioned a few times that you think we could still get back together, but how do I go about this? Link to comment
kingofatlantis Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 By NC i mean don't be contacting her about anything trivial but rather only about issues that pertain to both of you such as the house, other than that give her space and let her think about the relationship. You can let her know how you feel that you're open to reconcile but the dates have to end because you are trying to heal and its causing you pain and false hopes. Tell her to not contact you unless it has to do with a serious issue or reconciliation. Then drop off the face of the earth and do your own thing, you put the ball in her court this way and its all up to her. We all know you can't make someone like you or take you back they have to do it themselves. however if this isn't your piece of cake Low contact is optional but be warned many who do it end up hurt in the end when the ex gets in a new relationship or starts talking about their new fling and life etc. There was a wise man named superdave who was once on this forum and I remember this "If you do nothing, you can do nothing wrong" or something along those lines and its very true. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 Thanks man. I really do appreciate your advice. I've been thinking about the sort of non-trivial NC that you mentioned and have a thread going for a NC letter that I'm putting together. If you could have a look there and post your comments it would be really appreciated too! Link to comment
gallop30 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 you guys were together forever,so let it be Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 you guys were together forever,so let it be Sorry, I don't really understand what you mean by that? Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 So you're saying I should just let her leave my life because we were together for a long time? Link to comment
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