maron muses here

[maron]

please let this hope die by being here. i want to move on.

[maron]

my response to LadyArbanville: if you maintain contact with him, you have to have the discipline to not be bothered by this outwardly to him. no snide comments, snide remarks... you have to have some semblance of control over your jealousy (which is totally normal to feel) by reacting opposite to how you're feeling and give their relationship space to grow. limit your interactions with him. leave the freak out moments to your vent sessions w/ good friends. even if they're dating it doesn't mean they're going to get married. at the same time, if he's dating this girl it means she's a potential life partner, so be ready for the possibility (not probability) that he may marry her. if you're going to keep interacting with him, i would suggest giving yourself checkpoints and assessments of your intentions regularly. "how important is this to me? is it worth it? even if he's not reacting in the way i want to, what am i going to keep giving? will i give up soon?" you say you want him back at this present time, but maybe when you interact with him while he's with someone else, you'll lose feelings for him in the process.

 

keep your head cool. when your heart's breaking like crazy, that's the time when you really don't want to talk to him. no e-mails, no chat, no texts, nothing. keep yourself occupied so when he asks why you're distant all of a sudden, you're not lying to him by saying "i became busy" or "i'm busy" or whatever. if this situation turns out that he's really dating the girl, you can keep your class and dignity by not showing him what we'd expect from people in situations where they're led on. you may not be able to help how you feel, but you definitely can control what other people see and hear from you.

 

these are my suggestions for the situation where you decide you're going to stay in touch with him and that girl is his new special someone. i've found that having to do these things is what turns people off from maintaining contact with an ex because it's too difficult. it is. you have to watch yourself very, very closely when you just want to let loose and have fun and be real. having to be vigilant is a tough exercise and most decide it's not worth it. we really can't tell you what to do because you're going to decide what you think is best for you and because you know him+your situation better than any of us do.

 

good luck, sister. your situation with your ex is exactly what i've avoided with mine. here's my pattern: i reach out when i feel like it and he responds, then i respond to him, then no response from him. i know my contact doesn't bother him and i know he won't ignore me when i reach out. i used to mind this, but then i thought about it & now, i don't take it personally because not very many people are good with e-mails (not even my own good friends, lol!) and even when we were together, he's sucked at e-mails. so yeah it used to make me feel sad, but his lack of response's really not unfamiliar. now i just reach out when i feel like it and if i'm thinking about my e-mail to him too much, then i don't send it. i realized my fear all along was really rejection at any level of contact from me, and i was wrong. in your case, you're actively communicating with your ex, but now you've found yourself in a place where he might be interested in someone else and you've "read" the situation wrong. that is tough. it's what i have been avoiding with my ex because it's hard to have to realize that i will have to find someone else and he does deserve to explore his attraction to other girls. it's easier to accept that when i'm not very emotionally invested and with my current holding pattern, i've avoided that.

[maron]

this belief is an illusion. it happens for some people and it makes me so happy to see that, but it will not happen to me - no matter how much i wish for it.

 

gotta let it go, maron. let this illusion go so you can be at peace.

[maron]

happy birthday. i'll wait for a few days before i write you that. i feel a little too excited to do so for my own comfort.

[maron]

you responded? i'm really surprised right now.

[maron]

girl: STOP. stop stop stop.

[maron]

third person:

 

maron, you need some tough love.

 

you are now on the same side as your friends were, asking for advice and wondering about how come and if they said things correctly, etc. i will tell you this to remind you of what your friends have said and what you have told some of those friends too.

 

you reached out. you know your intentions and your intentions are good. a non-response is not something you have control over and most likely, it's more about him and not "what you said 'wrong'." his reasons for not responding is not so much about not wanting to talk to you because you're annoying, insecure, etc. you have not stalked him. he likes to hear from you and he has said that more than once. while you know people change, there are characteristics and behaviors that do not or stick around for a long, long time. he is an introvert. what do they do? you grew up with one. what does that introvert in your life do?

 

it's nothing personal. you can always pick up the conversation again and more likely than not, he will respond to you - as he has before. what if he doesn't? well... that's on him. not you.

 

don't take his non-response personally. do not, do not.

[maron]

you're done, maron. no more. no more. you're done.

 

don't wait anymore.