maron muses here

[maron]

i think i need to learn how to self-soothe better.

[maron]

found something else that i really enjoyed reading.

[maron]

i don't believe i've written in all-caps before on this thread but i think i'll do it now. hopefully the message will stick because i emphasized it.

 

FACEBOOK IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE THING.

 

THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS ANYMORE. JUST MAINTAIN YOUR SILENCE. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN TALK TO THEM, YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF.

 

that felt good. i'll feel even better when i see the emphases.

[maron]

see, my investments in this thread are paying off. i'm seeing a lot of perspectives, even if i picked out ones that sounded good to me. there's enough of a balance between ena's standard warnings and then some of this.

 

it's really not a good idea to be friends with them, huh? i can only imagine how it will be like when i hang on, thinking that we have a shot because he still wants to hear from me and to talk to me, but then hearing that he's found someone else. my natural reaction will be to stop talking to him because of the new girl. i know she won't like it in the same way i didn't like it that he was still very good friends with his ex. i'll feel worse because i'll have to "break up" with him all over again.

 

sh*t man. lose/lose either way.

[maron]

i'll keep this in mind, too:

[maron]

from catfeeder's current sig:

 

Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone.

 

that's so true, omg.

[maron]

i feel so much happier, happier, that i don't have to deal with wondering if you're still holding a torch for your ex who you claim to be completely platonic with.

 

that makes me feel so happy. no more drama of that kind. you both can have each other - oh wait, you already do.

[maron]

in the past few months, i've received more private number calls than i ever have in the past. my phone bill does not lie.

 

i decided to take the call when i got one today, at around 2:30 a.m. i didn't expect anyone to say anything on the other line, but i did hear the sound of a rushing car and not the muffled sounds of a "butt dial." most "butt dials" go straight to voicemail anyway if the dialer's unaware of the call, but i didn't get any 3-min. long voice messages.

 

i couldn't help it. i wondered if it was you.

 

i still do.

 

i just have to keep reminding myself "I will not pursue contact with the person who left me." i will repeat that to myself until i'm sick and tired of saying it and when i get over that sickness, i will say it again.

[maron]

Perhaps you should seek out some help to better understand why you compare her being in a relationship while you are single, as being more successful or better than you.

 

i need to remember that, too. the truth. the truth!

[maron]

to a certain eNA poster,

 

i wish i wasn't passive-aggressive in doing this, but you are dumb. you are the one who broke up with your ex. is it any wonder that your ex is hot/cold w/ you for the duration that you're broken up? you don't regret breaking up with your ex, but you never left the person alone either. you stress that you care. you care, that's why you stayed in contact and supported your ex; you did so because because your ex wants to be friends, but come on.

 

do you just not have resolve? it's not as easy i know, since most are on the same boat, but you're the one who wants the break up. what's the problem? enforce your decision for leaving your ex and stop being spineless.

just let your ex go. you are the one that left. geez.

[maron]

haven't gotten any mysterious private calls since i left. it could've been anyone, i guess.

 

i really dislike that you're still in my head. you don't know this, but one of my friends has an ex that came back to her, in spite of her being in a relationship. she isn't going to break up with her current boyfriend and her ex has not brought up anything about getting back together or any suggestions about reconciling at all, but still. just to see it happening makes me wonder if you've thought about reaching out at all, in spite of what i've said in the beginning.

 

sometimes i think i want to hear from you, then sometimes i think that it's better that i don't hear from you at all. because i am having a great time here. whenever i'm sad and i miss you, i look at what i've accomplished in these few months since you left me and i've done quite a bit for myself. i can't help but feel like i'm awesome.

 

then i wonder if i'm so awesome, why did you leave? i take that as my insecurity talking and i self-soothe myself.

[maron]

man... today, you were in my head more than i liked. i don't like having thoughts of you in my head at all, actually. so even having you in my head for 5 minutes is more than i like. what i like is having you in my head for 0 minutes.

 

i've made progress with that. problem is... today, i thought of you more than i liked. and missed you a lot. i was so relieved that my roommate was taking a nap because otherwise, she would've seen me cry.

 

i remember the posts that i read from here and the odds of you reacting unfavorably to my contact is more likely. i don't want to be the butt of your jokes with your friends. you know, that one ex that could never let go.

 

i don't want to be that joke. so i just have to endure missing you until i get over you.

[maron]

you haven't deleted me from your facebook.

 

so i did it for you.

[maron]

another scenario that i keep in mind: if i contact you and you're already with someone else, i will definitely be that "crazy" ex that can't let go.

 

realizing my mistakes comes in phases. i just need to remember that it's my dish to eat and i can't share anything more with you.

 

i'm doing my best. i can't ask more than that.

[maron]

i mean, things have got to be much better without me now, right?

 

i keep that in mind. my friend's leaving her s.o. and hearing her say things, even though her situation is 100% different, i can't help it. her words start sounding like your words and how happy she sounds and how much she feels sorry for her ex and she wishes him nothing but the best and...

 

i can't hear that from you. i can't hear that cool, polite detachment in your voice. i just can't. it will hurt.

[maron]

i need to remind myself of this: in this new phase of my life, there are only a few people i can depend on who do care about my well-being as i do theirs.

 

i absolutely cannot let everyone in, though. i must maintain my composure as well as i'm able because i can spot a few people who would love a good new gossip to talk about and i will not allow that vulnerability. they are practically strangers to me and i know who has seen my worse and still accept me in spite of that.

 

i'm still making a lot of assumptions and it is a very hard habit to break. perhaps a re-read of don miguel ruiz's book will set the path straight and clear for me again.

 

and a vent: girl, if you're still toying with him & he's letting himself, YOU CAN HAVE HIM. as good as you look "mr. rodent," i just need to stop this flip flop of emotions and stay put in one place. it's just really difficult when i'm so attracted to you.

[maron]

i missed you today and i absolutely disliked it.

 

it's been distracting. i have A LOT of things to do. a lot. and most of the time, i spent looking through eNA to remind myself why i must not contact you.

[maron]

can i just get you out of my head? because i'm still thinking of you and i don't like it.

[maron]

yup, got another unknown call in february. no number, either. it just read "unknown" on my screen. i thought it might be you but you haven't tried to reach out in other ways, so that split second i thought it was you disappeared and replaced by "WHO THE HECK IS THIS???"

 

it's annoying. really annoying.

[maron]

sometimes i feel like i never really moved on and that scares me.

 

i want to fall in love again.

[maron]

can't help it. i'm over it and us, but i still miss you. it doesn't interfere with anything in my life but love is love, i suppose. no fighting the feeling.

 

i have control over what i do though. i'm happy i never acted like some desperate fool or something like that that would amplify whatever bad feelings you have left about me and about us. i've forgotten most of that too, already.

[maron]

i can't reveal why i'm saying this, because the details will out me to friends who may possibly end up on this site for 1 reason or the other, but i'd like to say it anyway because this is my venting journal.

 

facebook. you are not the business right now. not at all.

[maron]

note to self

 

don't let them know that hearing his name still affects you. hide it well. they will tell him.

[maron]

actually? fail on that last one, but it's hard to regret asking because now you know some things you didn't know before.

 

... and i'm not devastated by the knowledge at all. you wouldn't feel like this if you hadn't asked.

[maron]

To the pretty girl crying in the coffee shop I'm studying in right now:

 

you are very lucky that your significant other is with you, supporting you through your tears. and he hasn't walked away from you. i really hope you work things out with him and that you will stop crying by tomorrow.

 

i miss him still. it's been a roller coaster and i wish i didn't miss him. you still have yours. i hope you will see through your problems and that you will still have each other after tonight.