Is it true the longer you talk to someone online,the harder it is when you meet?

[hippychick11]

As you all know, I am meeting my online friend very soon and I've been reading a lot of stories from other people saying that you should always meet your online friend asap rather than talking for a long time and building up an unrealistic view of them in your mind which leads to high expectations.

I've been talking to him online for 3 years and I'm worried that it could be really uncomfortable in person because I may not like to admit it, but I have got an image in my mind of who he is after all this time.

So do you think it is true that communicating with a person online for years can make the actual meeting more awkward?

[hippychick11]

Also, is it possible that meeting in person can enhance the relationship if you click? My friend and I get on incredibly well online, we're so much alike that it's scary sometimes. I just find it hard to believe that it could be better than it is now? seeing him in person could be even more exciting?

[OptomisticGirl]

My fiance and I had been dating 4 months when we met in person. It didn't make things harder, no. It was awkward for about 20 mins but then we feel into the same routine we had had online, only it was in person. I think when you have talked for as long as you guys have you will have an expectation in your head. I had one of my fiance but he met mine and I met his - it's always a case by case bases. Meeting in person always enhances the relationship, it gives it a sense of normalcy - you just aren't words on a screen to each other or a voice on the phone or a image on the computer - you are a living, breathing, human being.

[Oneironaut]

Maybe some people build up an unrealistic fantasy and expectation, but that wasn't a problem for me and my boyfriend. We talked online for 9 months before we finally met, and within 5 minutes of meeting, we were kissing in the parking lot outside the mall, lol...the fact that we had talked for so long via AIM and Skype meant we were totally comfortable by the time we met, and frankly, that's how I'd prefer it. I wasn't worried about my safety, or that we'd have a problem finding things to talk about because we already knew each other so well.

 

But, everyone is different. Whatever works. *Shrug*

[ibu]

When I met my online friend we had been talking online for about 1.5 years. We admitted to mutual feelings after about 10 months of contact (I met him on a non-dating site, he was a penpal, no feelings in the very beginning), and then due to circumstances couldn't meet until another half a year later or so. But we had had webcam chats, phone calls, sent each other pictures and videos of everything and anything, e-mailed and texted daily, etc...

 

When I finally met him, I was nervous for about 5 seconds, he took my hand, said "hi" and "welcome to my country" (I was the one who travelled) and then it was like I had known him my whole life. No awkwardness at all. And like Oneironaut said, an hour later we were also making out and all that follows in my hotel room, lol. Good times!!

 

I think it all depends on how much contact you had before meeting in terms of webcam chats, phone calls, etc...., not so much on the amount of time passed.

If you're very comfortable with each other through online contact, and you have realistic expectations meeting him, I think it'll be fine.

 

And meeting IRL will definitely enhance the relationship. It was just sooooo much better to continue talk to him, but also to be able to see his smile in person, to touch him, hug him, kiss him, etc... I felt I had a huuuuuge crush on my bf before I met him and was completely attracted to him, but when I met him, I knew for certain I was completely head over heels in love with him.

 

Good luck meeting him!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It really depends on the two people involved. For some people things didn't work out once they met in person because they had indeed built up a fantasy. However, for many people the feelings were indeed real and finally meeting the person confirmed the feelings. The key to carrying a relationship online until it is possible to meet is that both sides have to be open, honest and sincere in their communication. They have to divulge their real self to the other person just like they would face to face.

[kelless]

There is no absolute blueprint here for what works and what doesn't. I personally just think it's more suitable for me if my online interest and I meet earlier so that there will be no preconceived ideas. If you have already been connected to each other for a long period of time, there is always the pressure to "make things work".

 

In any case, OP ... don't think too much about meeting your "online friend". The more natural you allow the process to be the better. I know it is hard, but it's just something you have to do if you don't want to have unrealistic expectations.

[OptomisticGirl]

Wow 3 years is a long time to be in an online relationship with no physical contact. I don't recall ever reading a story about an LDR that went that long. The problem is you just never know how you're really going to feel about a person, whether there's chemistry and attraction, that sort of thing, until you're face to face. If you hit it off, then the relationship will certainly be enhanced going forward, but if there's a disappointment on either end then it's going to be a tough pill to swallow after investing so much time, effort and emotion.

 

I agree. My fiance and I started dating before we had met in person but we always had plans to meet and ended up meeting 5 months after we met online and 4 months into our relationship.

[hippychick11]

Okay well 3 weeks to go till my trip and my 'bf' still hasn't made any plans for us...

I keep thinking about that girl he met up with last year and how he went online and booked tickets for them to see a game, see there was a lot of pre-thinking that went into this, he picked a date and therefore had to meet her.

I don't want to pressure him and say 'you have to meet me or else!' because that is pathetic and desperate. Maybe 3 weeks is too far in advance for him to plan a date with me so I'm going to wait a week before and then suggest something. I myself probably wouldn't be able to foresee what i was doing in 3 weeks here so I think that's fair.

Sometimes I think, it's all going to be okay..I'm not going for him, I'm going for myself and he's just a small portion of my trip but then I start freaking out because I really want him to meet me and because he hasn't mentioned the trip much at all, he will blow me off when I get there.

I mean, if he said the other day 'there's a football game on TV, you might be here to find a sportsbar to watch it...' Do you think he meant watch it with me or that I should do this?

Sorry I just needed to vent, I'm having another freaking out moment

[superfox]

How did it go with this other girl he met? Maybe it was awful and he's terrified history will repeat. But again, go there for you, for your holiday, he's an afternoon distraction

[hippychick11]

I really didn't want to hear much about it after but I think he seemed pretty excited. I mean they did go to a game where his favourite team won and he had to tell me they got along well but he said there was no romantic chemistry there. I just figure that if he really liked this woman than he would be with her. I haven't seen or heard from her since she visited him last year.

[hippychick11]

and also thanks Superfox, that's a really great attitude and I agree, I'm going to have a really great time!

[ibu]

I'm still not sure that this "boyfriend" of yours is actually your boyfriend. I mean, it's only 3 weeks until the trip. Don't make excuses for him. If he was excited about seeing you, he'd DEFINITELY be planning stuff. My guy was already planning stuff WAY before 3 weeks before my arrival. More like 3 months. He searched and booked a hotel room, he looked into public transport and places to visit, and was overall pretty excited that I'd be coming to his country to meet him, etc etc. I mean, we'd be mailing each other and counting down the days with each mail.

That your bf isn't doing all that, is very telling, to say the least.

I hope your meeting with him will go fine. But I don't count on it. Sorry.

[hippychick11]

I'm not trying to defend his actions here but I do think that every person is different and the same goes for relationships. I don't want to get mad at him for being this way, it's just who he is and maybe having no pressure or expectations is a good thing. I think he also figures that since I'm the one forking out the money for this trip that I should be doing what I want and experiencing it for myself rather than him having a say.

I hope the meeting goes fine too but it's out of my control for now.

One more thing...what if he were to make all these grand plans, invite me to stay with him etc and then I don't like him physically (not to be shallow, im far from it...im just putting that out there), we might not be attracted to each other and so now I'm stuck with all these dates with a guy I'm not into...that could be worse.

[Starrgrl]

Yeah... hippychick I don't think he's all that excited or thrilled. Meh at least if you meet him that'll be be closure, then you can move on to guys who will love to spend time with you. I agree with Ibu, he should be at this point, looking up things, jumping for joy and like planning all these activities.... I mean you've been talking intensely for three whole freakin years. It's not 3 months, it's three years.

 

 

Just don't sell yourself short hippy... You deserve the best, don't settle.

[ibu]

I'm not trying to defend his actions here but I do think that every person is different and the same goes for relationships. I don't want to get mad at him for being this way, it's just who he is and maybe having no pressure or expectations is a good thing. I think he also figures that since I'm the one forking out the money for this trip that I should be doing what I want and experiencing it for myself rather than him having a say.

 

Seriously? That's more excuses, excuses, excuses.

He's not all that excited about you coming, it's clear from his actions. You seem to be in denial about. Like I said, I hope he'll surprise you in a positive way. But the way it's going now from what you described....not that big of a chance.

[hippychick11]

The other night he actually asked me about my trip and what days I am going to be in his city, he then specifically picked a couple of dates and asked me if I wanted to meet him then. He even did sound kind of excited and offered an evening to have dinner!

[Tokyorose]

I've never heard this before. My boyfriend and I knew each other online for almost 7 years before we met. Though we did not become an official couple until a few weeks after we met, we had feelings for each other pretty much the entire time. Our meeting wasnt awkward at all.

[Patrick974]

From my own point of view, having had many cyber-relationship, it isn't.

 

The problem is you can't avoid it nowadays, it's convenient, cheap, and fast. But still is ambiguous which make it addictive. Some of my "cybergirlfriends" told me before I went too far into the MSN/FB thing and acted as we'd already be together, when we sometimes haven't met in the end.

 

3 years is a lot. The longest "e-date" I have ever had was like 4 months, almost chatting every evening and it seemed we both got tired after a while. Despite some nice phone call.

 

Hurry up in my opinion.

[ibu]

The other night he actually asked me about my trip and what days I am going to be in his city, he then specifically picked a couple of dates and asked me if I wanted to meet him then. He even did sound kind of excited and offered an evening to have dinner!

 

That sounds much better than "maybe just a coffee".

[hippychick11]

Okay I really need some advice - I just had a fight with this guy (we might have actually broken up) because... and I don't know if it's me being too clingy and overreacting but I basically found out he is still talking to his 'ex' which is the woman he went to the sporting event last year (I had also found out they he kissed her and whatever else...).

I had a really terrible time last year because this woman would constantly message me and telling me that he's telling her the same things as me, that he's in love with her and being intimate. I confronted him about this and he said it wasn't true, that he can't help she still has feelings for him.

 

Theres been massive dramas over this and I've broken up with him before. I was so tired of his ex messaging me and then ontop of that her current boyfriend was messaging me too and saying how upset he was over all this, that she's strining him a long for this guy.

 

I ended up deleting both of them from messenger, it made my life so much happier and less stressful.

 

Things just had been going so well at the moment between us and I thought he wasn't talking to her anymore but apparently he is and I feel really hurt by it. When I saw him online with her I messaged him and basically told him to f* off.

 

I have spent 3 whole years of my life on this guy and it's so sad because and this isn't his fault at all, I'm not saying it is but I am so young, Im only in my early 20s and I feel like by waiting for him that I've missed out on meeting someone who possibly may have really liked me and treated me well.

 

I have a plane ticket to his city in a couple of weeks and I have lost all motivation to go.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I just feel like, if he really liked me and was looking forward to meeting me in person that he wouldn't need this other woman, that he wouldn't want to lose me over it.

[Starrgrl]

Oh hun =( I'm so sorry to hear that. It must be quite a shock and you must feel awful. You know what? Since you have this ticket, just go over to his city and have fun, you don't need to meet him. It's pretty obvious he uses you as an emotional clutch, you know something to fill part of his void. Somebody to keep his ego pimped.

 

I just think it's time to let this guy go. If you allow this to continue, it'll be like you saying 'it's alright tht you treat me badly, it's alright that I'm on the backburner. Doesn't matter bc you're worth it'

 

Is he? Course not, you're young, you can find somebody who will be honest with you. And obviously this guy ain't being honest. Oh and the fact you let it slide last time with the whole ex thing... Sigh. It's the whole shame on me if you fool me once..... isn't it?

 

 

Stay broken up with him. Don't let him play you for a fool. Don't let him toy with your heart. You are precious, and you should find yourself who treats you like a jewel!

 

Be strong ok? Don't give in to him.

[Starrgrl]

You don't want to still have this 'thing' with him and have all this continue and then have the same things happen in half a years time. It's been three years, don't waste anymore time on him.

[hippychick11]

Thanks Starrgrl I'm going to take your advice and just go on this trip anyway. You probably think I'm crazy but if he wants, I'm still going to meet up with him just so I can get closure and because I must say, I'm extremely curious to know what he's like, I mean I have talked to him for 3 years. I'm going to be very aloof and not take this relationship as seriously, he obviously doesn't. At least I'll know if there was anything there and I can finally move on.

[hippychick11]

Also just one last thing, He sent me a message the other day to say that I was 'all he wants' and 'talk to you soon if im lucky'. I'm still so mad about him talking to his ex that I feel like I'd be degrading myself by just forgiving him and pretending everything is okay, however, I am going to his country in 2 weeks and I would like to just meet him so I don't want to stop talking to him all together.

How should I act until then?