My heart is breaking

[troublegirl]

My fiance and I were supposed to get married November of this year. I just graduated from law school and moved back home to start a job. He lives two hours from me. I would see him on the weekends. We were both under a lot of stress with planning the wedding, careers, long distance relationship.

 

We had previously discussed many important issues and promised to always work through differences. We were very good about avoiding conflict by talking out any problems. Two weeks ago I started blowing up at him for the littlest things. I am not sure why this happened and it hasn't ever happened to me before. We had a fight that continued for a few days.

 

He was trying to tell me that he couldn't fight about it anymore and that he was beginning to feel like he couldn't talk to me. I was hurt because we had had such a great relationship up to that point. He had always been expressive about his feelings and I felt like a failure. I responded in the worst way imaginable. I was so angry I said things I didn't mean and left and told him I didn't want to get married if he really felt that way.

 

I totally realized my mistake and drove back the 2 hours later that evening. I know that it was irrational and wrong. I don't normally handle stress that way. There is no excuse for my behavior and I wouldn't want him to have to live with that if I was going to be that way all the time.

 

I apologized and told him that I obviously wasn't handling all the stress well so I started to see a therapist to ensure that I didn't ever do that again. I wanted to take responsibility for my flaws and actions. I really do love him and want to make a life with him. He said that he coudln't do it. He loved me more than any woman he had ever been with but he had lost trust in me. He said that he would always remember the hurtful things I said and how bad it hurt when I walked out. He said he would always be afraid that I would do it again in a fight.

 

I totally understand his fears and I am not trying to reduce my responsibility. I miss him so much and I know that I messed up. He was married before and with his ex-wife a total of 12 years (dating plus marriage). She cheated on him and treated him poorly. He kept trying with her until it was impossible. I imagine that he is thinking that the first sign of "crazy" is a red flag and he needs to get out.

 

I am human and I made a mistake. It wasn't a pretty one. His friends are surprised that he had given up because they know that we had a unique relationship. Some have told me to hang in there that he may come around. I know he is just hurting right now.

 

He told me not to think about us or him just to focus on me. I know that is good advice. All of my things were still at his house, furniture, computer, christmas ornaments etc. We were also in the process of putting his house on the market so he could move here after the wedding. He moved my things into the downstairs front room so it would be easier for me to get to them. I couldn't come the weekend he wanted me to so he just moved them into storage and sent me the key. The real estate agent was coming the next day to take pictures so he had to clear it out.

 

The last time I talked to him he told me that he was still planning on selling the house. My plan is to continue to go to therapy and work on me. I am not going to contact him by mail, e-mail, or phone. I am just going to give him some time and space. I am hoping he will come around.

 

He stated that he thinks I may be under too much stress right now to be in a relationship. My dress came in this week and the other things for the wedding still have to be paid for. I know that he is the one for me and I would do anything within reason to make this work. However, I know that if he doesn't want to make it work then it won't matter.

 

Thanks for any support

[Cecelius]

It sounds like whatever you said probably hit him pretty hard. The meaner it was the worse the effect(and if it revealed too many hidden thoughts you might have had about him).

 

Also, he may have been feeling poorly about the relationship anyway and the mean comments just confirmed his belief about what he needed to do.

[ggm]

First, a big hug.....you need it.

You are human and you made a mistake. You are admitting you made a mistake and taking steps to help yourself. Kudos to you for the mature way you are handling this.

I can't say the same for the ex. It appears he may have been looking for an out and you gave him the perfect one. I know this is painful to hear, especially when you thought you and he had a good relationship. However, I am speaking from experience.

Being in a marriage where you can't be yourself won't work. All marriages and LTR include rough times. Appartently you were going through a rough time. You had an ourburst, you apologized...o.k. this kind of stuff is going to happen...it is part of marriage or any LTR. It appears he can't handle this and he bailed on you. It does not appear this man could handle the pressure/ ups and downs of married life. The entire success of the marriage would lie upon YOUR shoulder. That is a tough job.

The rough part is going to be the next few months...getting your stuff back....getting past the date which would have been your wedding. Do you have friends/family who can help you with this?

You are doing good with NC...do rememeber that NC rules can be broken. However, you must wait 2 or so months before establishing contact. There are several posts on how to go about it, if you decide to contact him again.

Currently, try to concentrate on yourself. Pick up a new hobby or something that will make you feel better about yourself.

Good luck.....remember you are not alone on this!!

[bubspsu]

My fiancee and I were suppose to get married this sept. However she and I had been fighting for weeks straight. The fighting was because she said she had no passion for me, wanted to see other people (because we have been together for so long(7 years)), needed her space, and all that stuff. While we would argue though she would say I love you and I want to marry you just not right now. The thing is I think she was ready she was just scared. Scared that she would hurt me in the long run like her mother did to her father in their divorce. She rattled off so many reasons why she did not want to get married, but to be truthful to this day I still don't know why we broke up. She too is seeking therapy and getting guidance for her life. I am supporting her to do that and part of me feels like we did the right thing for calling everything off and breaking up. If both people are not ready to get married or anyone has doubts, its not the right thing to do. To this day I hope that her and I can work things out, but to be honest I am going to use this time to think about what I want for myself, instead of always thinking about what's best for her and our relationship. So my advice to you guys is to both take the time to see if this is really who you want to be with and spend the rest of your life with. Perhaps you just have some unfinished business to take care of before you start your lives together. Just a thought. I wish you guys good luck as I too feel sad that this happened to me, but I am also taking this from an optimistic point of view and saying that this is a perfect time to reflect on my life and what I want without her in the picture.

[lunatic]

It does sound like your ex was looking for a way to get out. I am sorry that your in pain and I personally know the feeling. I went through the same type of thing about five years ago when I was engaged. We had everything in place (hall, dj, video/photographer, ect. ect) and she told me that she no longer wanted to marry me. I was in such pain for a long time over her.

 

Not that this man is the same person or that he has any bad intent here. Maybe he is scared because of the way you exploded. You did mention that he was married before and his ex was mean to him. That would explain alot to me atleast about why he is walking away from you.

 

Give him some space and time to think about your relationship. If it is meant to be then he will come back. In the meantime, keep going with the self improvments because that is a sign of a mature adult who is comitted to improving herself.

 

If things don't work out between you two then your on the right road for a happy future. Some luck man will benefit from the steps your taking now in the future. You need to be with someone who is not afraid of facing lifes ups and downs with you. Everyone loses it once and a while because we are all human. Life can be unfair but, your making the most out of your situation from what I have read. BRAVO =D>

 

Give him the space he needs and everything will work out for the best in the long run.

 

Good luck,

 

Hubman 8)