My Girlfriend is Depressed...It's starting to get too much.

[tuatara]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for 5 years now (we are both 25).

 

She has had anxiety/depression the entire time, but she managed well (most of the time) with anti-depressants.

 

However 2 months ago she decided she doesn't want to take them anymore.

 

She is having a trouble finding a job straight out of university and is beating herself about it every single day. Which snowballs into being down about life in general.

 

I've suggested she go to the doctors and ask for an alternative for anti-depressants. She says no, she knows they are just going to try put her back on them or get or to go to a councilor (she been to a few councilors before which didn't seem to help).

 

So no go on any medical advice.

 

I went overseas for this past month to for a family holiday (it's normal we have been away from each other for months at a time over our 5 year relationship).

 

Everyday since I've been away we have talked online. Her depression and problem getting a job that she wants is the focus of every conversation. I feel I'm very patient and have been very supportive with her over the past 5 years. But I'm just running out of steam now. Every conversation I dread more and more as I know what it will turn into.

 

She has mentioned she doesn't want to do life anymore, which scares me.

 

I don't know what options I have at the moment.

 

I feel stuck.

 

I want her to get better. I would stick around then.

 

But if she doesn't I don't know how long I can stuck around for plus I'm scared if I leave her she might hurt herself and be in an even worse position.

[longdist]

I think she probably needs to get back on the meds until things in life start going better. It may help if you mention that she can always get back off of them once things in life start looking better. I'm new to dealing with depression, but a key is to watch yourself and stop it before it amplifies... and I think she failed to see the problem.

[tuatara]

I wish it was that easy.

 

She is stubborn and been on and off them before. She took them when things were tough and when things looked easier she stopped.

 

But it seems she prefers knowing that she is not taking them. She gets frustrated any time anyone mentions anti-depressants.

[longdist]

I don't think she has many other options. There are some natural anti-depressants, but it sounds like she might have it pretty bad. There's a stigma about being depressed and anti-depressents are the proof that you're depressed, so taking them is admitting that you're depressed. However, there's a physiological reason for depression, not a weakness in your partner, so she may need to accept that. Anti-depressents really make someone more natural than when they are off them because it helps balance out chemicals in the brain. If blood pressure is out of wack, you take blood pressure medicine. It's the same idea. Anyhow, I don't think your partner has many other options.

[Aether]

I'm not sure if it would help in her case, but I'm having Acupuncture for depression and anxiety, it is definitely working and has no side effects. I've seen a lot of people describe their feelings when on anti depressants as "fake", I've never been on them myself so I can't really explain any more than that, I think sometimes that feeling is not what people want to experience...

[tuatara]

Yeah I guess she is blinded by all the negatives of anti depressants. E.g the burden coming off them, if she takes them she admits her depression isn't improving, she likes being a passionate person where she gets very happy or very sad, those feelings are taken away from here with the pills.

 

I've tried all angles of talking to her.

 

I mean I feel like the only way to MAYBE get her to take them is get her to choose me or no pills. But I couldn't do that.

[Aether]

I think those are the reasons why I always stayed away from them, have you approached her about the alternative route?

[moonsky]

I wish it was that easy.

 

She is stubborn and been on and off them before. She took them when things were tough and when things looked easier she stopped.

[corrin]

I say stick with her and help her stay off all the meds. It has only been two months since she went off them after being on them for five years. Her body is still re-regulating itself. Give her time.

 

Not having a job can be a huge issue for some people. She's not in school anymore. She is looking for something to define her life. This would be a big deal for most people. Throw her stress and anxiety into the equation along with withdrawals from the meds she's been on and, wallah, she's going to be way down.

 

I know others will say this is the very reason that she should go back on her meds. But she's going to have to come off of them and go through this at some point.

 

Right now, she needs your help. Stress and anxiety do not have to be lifelong conditions. Help her work through the problem. Putting her back on meds will only postpone the problem. Eventually she is going to have to get off of the drugs. You have invested five years into your relationship. Hang in there.

[tuatara]

I'm happy to stick in here...till a point.

 

I feel like sometimes I'm too "Mr Nice Guy" which is making her very dependent on me consoling her and fixing her problems. There is only a certain amount I can give. Then I start thinking what exactly am I getting out of this relationship anymore.

 

Wish there was a solution...

[Stay_home]

Been there, done that and don't want to ride that train again. I dated a woman with some serious anxiety and depression issues. She stopped taking her medications and would go friggin' nuts sometimes. It got to be scary so I bailed out while it was still early.

[corrin]

I'm happy to stick in here...till a point.

 

I feel like sometimes I'm too "Mr Nice Guy" which is making her very dependent on me consoling her and fixing her problems. There is only a certain amount I can give. Then I start thinking what exactly am I getting out of this relationship anymore.

 

Wish there was a solution...

 

Okay, I'll give you my non-medical thoughts. I do not know anyone that was able to successfully address their depression and/or anxiety through medication. It seems like the meds are ways to cope with the effects of the conditions. But they do not treat the problem. The only people that I know that were able to work through their issues and normalize their lives are the ones that threw their meds in the garbage and tackled their issues head-on. I am one of these people. My doctor put me on anti-depressants and sleeping pills to address my "anxiety disorder." The medication did nothing to treat my issues. It was only after I got off of them and fought through the underlying issues that I finally got better. That was more than two years ago. I still have stress like everyone else. And I deal with it like everyone else. Contrast this with my mother who passed her anxiety issue along to me. She's been on meds most of her adult life and cannot function without them. She practically has a Pez-xanax dispenser.

 

Give your girlfriend some time post-meds. It might take a year. But she will be better off in the long run and so will your relationship.

 

Just my thoughts.

[shes2smart]

Here's the thing - and this is coming from someone who has had to manage depression my entire adult life...have been on (and off) meds several times and been in therapy more often than not in the last 20 or so years - so, here's the thing:

 

You are not her therapist.

 

When I was about your age and with my college bf (dated 2 years, lived together for 5 years) I was dealing with depression and an eating disorder. Fortunately (?) my college bf was a Psych major and initially didn't particularly mind "playing therapist." But over time, it torpedoed the relationship between us.

 

Looking back on it now, I can see where I had some very unrealistic (and very unfair) expectations about what he, as my boyfriend, "should" be doing to help me with my depression/eating issues. I seriously do not know how he put up with me back then. I mean, he had/has his own issues with being a "helper" but that's another topic altogether.

 

I did not start to see any significant improvement until I really understood that management and treatment of my depression was primarily (and often times solely) MY responsibility. *I* had to haul my butt to a doc and/or counselor, *I* had to deal with my crap head-on, *I* had to change the way I was thinking, *I* had to go exercise or take antidepressants or whatever...even if I didn't want to...because it was the right thing to do to take proper care of myself. No one could do these things for me (or make me do them for myself)...even if I thought they should or had every expectation that they would.

 

Once I took full responsibility for myself, that changed...oh, everything...lol.

 

So, I say again: You are not her therapist. You cannot fix this for her. If she is not ready to do the work herself, I doubt she is capable of being a full partner in a healthy relationship at this time in her life. She will continue to be dependent and drain you until you cannot give anymore.

 

Wanting to assist a partner is an admirable trait. In a healthy relationship, there is a lot of "helping" that will go on...but it's generally mutual...both partners give AND take. What you are describing - and what I lived through with my ex-college bf - is a very one sided, unbalanced relationship with one partner doing the majority of the taking (and often demanding more than is reasonable) and the other doing the majority of the giving (until they are worn out, worn down and depleted).