JerkBrokeMe Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Well my posts and a journal of sorts about the break up are already on here but to recap: together for 9 years, we were fighting too much (mostly my fault), he was a great boyfriend, and he dumped me after our last fight saying it was too hard. Ok so that was 7 weeks ago today. We hang out about once a week, I don't initiate contact, and I'm considering NC but am not there yet. Now in the past couple weeks he has been going out A LOT, drinking A LOT, and smoking pot A LOT. This past Saturday that I spent with him he drank almost an entire bottle of wine in about 20 minutes. And we weren't even out doing anything. We were just hanging out at his house and he was drinking alone. When he sobered up a little bit I told him how much he had had to drink and he said "thats what I always do" I told him that wasn't good for him and he said "I don't plan on living more than a couple more years anyway". I started to cry and then he said "no no I was just joking, don't cry". But he seemed serious when he said it. In the beginning of the breakup he spoke a lot about needing to get his life together, to find a real career path, and move forward in life (why that had to be without me, I don't quite understand, but not the point). In the first few weeks it seemed like thats what he was doing. He would go out a few nights a week, but also stayed home and read books on his career choice, things like that. Now he goes out almost every night and he told me he stayed out until 5 am 2 nights in a row (he starts work at 7 am) and called out sick 2 days in a row. These are just a few examples. He gets wasted or smokes tons of pot every day. I feel like he's doing it to numb the pain of the breakup, but maybe thats just in my head. I know when his brother died he behaved the same way with drinking and smoking and literally would not let himself feel any pain. I don't know how to handle the situation. I can't be the one to talk to him because then I become "nagging girlfriend" even though we're no longer together. But there is no one else in his life that cares for him. Not a single friend or family member. The people he's hanging out with now have only been hanging out with him since we broke up, and are probably part of the problem, not people that are going to help him. I don't know what to do. Theres the selfish part of me in this thats upset because how will he come back to me if he won't let himself feel anything? But more importantly I'm so worried about him. Now I'm really scared to do NC for different reasons. I'm afraid, as the only person whose ever shown love and cared for him, refusing to talk to him will just make him spiral down further. Link to comment
Karma20 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 What about yourself? How is keeping in contact helping you? I know you love and worry about him but you have to love and worry about yourself. Being in contact with someone you love but can't have is hard and you'll never move forward if you don't break contact. Link to comment
NANsense Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 You need to do what's right for you--and that means separating yourself from a destructive person! There's nothing you can do or say to get him to make healthy choices! This is his track record and the reason he doesn't have anyone loving in his life--NOT the other way around! If he doesn't get that, and change his ways, then this is the life he will lead...and by "getting that" I don't mean by you explaining it--that will only feed his continuing to self-destruct IMO. What he is doing now is his way of gaining your attention and sympathy--much like a child throwing a temper tantrum & if you run to play the savior every time he does this--he will just keep doing it cos he's getting the attention he's looking for--you are enabling him! I know it's hard to watch someone do this to themself--this is why ppl go NC Take care of yourself hun! Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 NANsense - But he's not trying to get my attention. He's doing it whether I'm around him or not. He's not playing games, this is very serious. He's self medicating his pain whether its the break up or something else. How can I just wash my hands of it when I care for him and it could push him further down. I would feel responsible. Karma - I don't know how its helping me. It's probably not but theres still a lot of love between us and I feel good when I'm around him. I may not be making the best decisions for myself, but I hold out hope that if I do NIC and let him see all the work I've been doing on myself, he'll come back. I miss my best friend.. Link to comment
NANsense Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 You are NOT responsible hun--HE IS! this is how women get sucked into trying to help--or "fix" men. society grooms us to be nurturers and men with destructive behaviors seek us to care for them! He was trying to get your attention when he said "I'll be dead soon anyway" and "ooo don't cry for me" He also hasn't hidden the fact from you that he has done this in the past--and is drinking, smoking dope, not going to work, and numbing himself again.....you didn't find these things out by hanging out with him once a week, right? He knew exactly how to push your buttons and he did so! My advice to you would be to go to seek out an al-anon meeting for sibling/spouces/X's...they have support groups specifically geared to tough love and not getting pulled down along with your X Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I guess its hard to explain to someone who doesn't know him. He is a very kind, genuine person. He's not trying to play games with me. He's hurting about something. A few months after his brother died his drinking died down, and the smoking became more recreational. He returned more or less back to normal as far as the destructive behavior goes. He's hurting very badly about something. I don't have enough of an ego to declare its over me. I just know when it started. I understand what you're saying. And you're right its not good for ME. But I'm more concerned with him right now and what this could lead to, knowing his drug history from before he met me was way more serious. And I actually did find out about almost all of this in one day. The extent of his drinking and the fact that he wasnt even making it into work anyway. Link to comment
NANsense Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 So you can decide to try and help--and what helping could entail: 1. tell him you are concerned and: a. ask him to go to a counselor b. ask him to go to AA (and go with him if you wish) 2. ask him if there is a family member you could call or bring him to talk too (when he's sober) 3. ask if he would talk to a pastor/priest/etc 4. Ask if there is a family friend or mentor he would speak too? 5. tell him you care (or love him) but you don't know what else to say/do Link to comment
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