Major setback after almost 5 months... please help

[sugarplum_pdx]

So, my boyfriend of 3+ years broke up with me in March, and he had also started to cheat on me. He claimed that the relationship was over in his mind, and that's why he started to see someone else, and just hadn't gotten the guts to tell me yet. I found out he was cheating and that's how it ended. I didn't take it well at all. For whatever reasons, I was still very in love with him, even though things had not been great for a while.

 

In the months since the breakup, I have tried to move on. I didn't completely cut contact, but I didn't pursue him or anything. I didn't check his online journal, I didn't try to find out about his life, I didn't call him over and over. He would contact me online fairly often ... never to talk about "us" or say anything meaningful, but just to make small talk.

 

I guess part of me has still been holding on to the fact that he said he knew he might be making a mistake when we broke up. He said he knew I was good to him and that he might not find anyone else as good as me. But he still went through with it and hasn't looked back.

 

Yesterday I was having a bad day because I have a medical issue right now and I wanted someone to lean on. I told him about it and he was sympathetic but just in a friendly way. I told him I missed him and that I was sorry for bugging him but I wanted to talk. He said it was okay, but he didn't respond to the "I miss you" part. I asked if he might be able to come over to see me, and he said "it depends on what you want out of it." He said if I just want to hang out and have fun, he would want to see me, but if I want to "dwell on the past," it would just be a "downer" and he doesn't want to deal with it.

 

So there's my answer ... all this time I've been wondering if he might come back to me after time passed, and he's now made it clear that his decision is still the same after 5 months. He doesn't want to be there for me, to be in my life the way I want him to be.

 

It just sucks so much. I am having so much trouble accepting this. I don't know how to move on.

[Brandell]

I am sorry to hear this but you know this is exactly why I have stuck with No Contact strictly. The last thing I want to have confirmed during my period of healing is that the ex. has moved on totally and might even say something hurtful and cutting (as yours did).

 

These are the pitfalls of keeping contact with someone. It really does keep you emotionally tied. You are always hoping, simply because they still talk to you now and again, that they may change their mind.

 

And when it is confirmed they have not changed their mind when you are still trying to heal? Well.... you are back at stage one.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[Brandell]

I am sorry to hear this but you know this is exactly why I have stuck with No Contact strictly. The last thing I want to have confirmed during my period of healing is that the ex. has moved on totally and might even say something hurtful and cutting (as yours did).

 

These are the pitfalls of keeping contact with someone. It really does keep you emotionally tied. You are always hoping, simply because they still talk to you now and again, that they may change their mind.

 

And when it is confirmed they have not changed their mind when you are still trying to heal? Well.... you are back at stage one.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[sugarplum_pdx]

Brandell, I know you're right. I thought I was doing the right thing because I was usually only responding to his contact, not initiating it. And sometimes we'd go a week or two without talking at all. But I suppose that little bit of contact did keep me hanging on. The truth is that I didn't really WANT to completely move on. If there was a chance he'd change his mind, I wanted to be there. I can't figure out WHY he is that important to me, other than the fact that he was my first serious relationship. All I can figure out is that I'm having a hard time letting go of someone I was with for so long, even though he has treated me terribly. We had a lot of good times, but I spent a lot of time feeling disappointed by him too. And I'm especially disappointed by the way he chose to end things.

 

I simply cannot figure out how to completely cut him out of my life and start over. It's all foreign territory to me. And I still miss him, despite everything.

[Brandell]

As hard as it may sound what you have to do is cut contact with him and if he asks why tell him it is better this way for you. Believe me you do have the advantage over me in one respect..after being in contact with him all these months and then cutting it I am sure he will wonder why and maybe after a period he might see you with new eyes. After all its easy for him now, he can move on and still have you as a friend, he doesn't have to deal with the guilt that way.

 

I could not do what you did though, maintain contact I mean. The pain would be too much, hearing from her, wanting her and all the time acting like a friend and controlling my emotions. I would never have even BEGUN to heal (and I have a long way to go as it is).

 

I am nearly 100% sure (anybody feel free to correct me) that instigating no contact and trying to move on and do things for YOU is the way to go at this time. It DOES get easier and as for the future... well, who knows... but you are bound to be a stronger person because of it.

[lisaria]

Brandell, you are absolutely right. sugarplum you have to cut all contact with this guy.

No more IMs. Block him.

Emails? Delete them. And if you have saved some (like I did), get rid of them.

Phone calls? Get caller ID and do not answer when it's him.

Do all of this for your sake. You will never heal if you are always waiting to hear from him. Sure it's hard, but this hurting is even harder. You have to start putting yourself and your feelings first. He's using you for some reason. Why is he still contacting you? If you must know, ask him and then No Contact.

It is amazing to me how selfish these dumpers can be. They don't think you're good enough as a g/f, but hey! Let's keep 'em hanging on just in case. That's bullsh#%!!!! It's cruel too. It keeps you waiting around in the hopes that they will change their mind, but damn it!!! they don't. Then six months down the line when you could have been halfway on the road to healing they decide that you're asking too much from them. How dare You??? To ask them for support and a little caring? You're just asking for too damned much. Sorry babe, can't do it. Crap.

It is painful when you've had your dreams and your wishes and they just get squashed flat like the bug on the windshield. How can you go on? It feels like you can't on those bad days. When you finally realized that they will never be there for you and it feels like your whole reason for anything has been blown away. Those days suck. You'll have them and then you'll have a good day where he doesn't seem to matter quite so much. Those are the days that will keep you going, because they will come again.

I hope sugarplum that this is just one of those bad days and that tomorrow you will see what a loser he was and feel better that you are no longer involved with him.

And remember that you have all of us up here who are going through or have gone through what you are experiencing. You aren't alone.

[kate111]

DearSugarplum,

 

You have to break contact with this guy because it seems that he is losing respect for you.

 

Reasons why:

 

1. You accepted his crappy justification for cheating on you.

2. You are hanging on to shreds of friendship even though he can probably sense that you want more.

 

He obviously feels he can walk all over you.

 

This guy seems like he doesn't have much of a sense of responsibility. First of all he breaks up with you WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU and second he refuses to even talk to you about your split.

 

My advice:

 

Break all contact for at least 2 months. Don't tell him you are doing this just start right now.

 

Leave him to WONDER. He might start thinking about why you suddenly don't want to talk to him. It will force him to really think about why this may have occurred.

 

In the meantime (in the 2 months til you speak to him) you must do the following:

 

1. Exercise regularly (yes really).

2. Read a couple of self help books or books on spiritual enlightenment.

3. Buy some new outfits.

4. Hookup with some old friend or make an effort to go out at least once a week.

 

 

Goodluck,

Kate

[auburnslp]

well I was going to post but then I read what Brandell and lisaria and others wrote, and well, I guess I have nothing else to say, except "ditto". All great advice, I will hope and pray you take it, for your sake...Michael

[sugarplum_pdx]

Thanks so much to all of you who replied! I really appreciate it. And you are all telling me what I needed to hear, even though I pretty much already knew it. He doesn't deserve to have me talking to him at all. And every time I do, he basically confirms that it's never going to be what I want it to be.

 

And I'm trying to remind myself... I can do better than him, anyway. Even during the best times of our relationship, things were never ideal. I was always sort of "settling" for less than what I wanted. He was never emotional toward me, and he never made me feel appreciated. I was always left wishing for more love from him than I was getting. So I know I should be setting my sights higher, not wishing to get him back.

 

Now I just need to remember to stick to this instead of slipping back again...

[lisaria]

It is so easy to fall back into that negative thinking. Way too easy.

Try to think of something you can do when you start thinking in the way that isn't good for you. Some people put a rubber band on their wrists and snap it when they think about the ex. Ouch!

I like to make myself get up and do some kind of exercise. Run in place or sit ups. Ok, I intend to do that when I think about the ex, sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it does, so maybe it will work for you.

Do you have any kind of hobby that you have always wanted to learn? Now is the time to start. What is the most fascinating subject you can think of? Start studying it. Mine was tarot. Anybody want a reading?

Keep a journal. I've had one since I was 12 and it has helped me through some rough times. It helps having somewhere to write down all of those nice and nasty thoughts you may have.

And of course, get up here and vent. It is a lifesaver.