Ex in-laws

[Tanzi]

My ex-husband and I split up 3.5 years ago now. His family were all extremely supportive in the aftermath of the split. As I had moved away from my own parents I appreciated their support.

 

To cut a long story short, he left me for another woman and, due to his selfish behaviour at this time, his relationship with his family, and his own children, hit an all-time low. Eventually his family stopped having much to do with him and his new gf. If there was a family function (of which there were many) it was me and the children who would were invited, not my ex-h.

 

Eventually my ex-h left this woman and he has since rebuilt his relationship with his family and children. Fast forward to the present and these relationships are now totally back on track. He also has a new gf who has a daughter. Now it is he who is the one invited to these family functions. I am now not included in any of these family gatherings. Now don't get me wrong, I don't see that as a problem. I understand that life moves on. I understand this goes with the territory and I have a bf with whom I am extremely happy and my life is now with him.

 

However, over the last year I haven't seen my nieces and nephew at all. Although I'm not one to read too much into Facebook (but, nevertheless, it is fact) there have been many things written on there that have hurt me a little. Things like ....

 

"I have the best daughter-in-law in the world"

"I have the best sister-in-law in the world"

"I have the best auntie in the world"

 

... or words to that effect.

 

I used to be all of these things (not necessarily the best of course). Now I am none of these things. Even my niece and nephew don't see me as their auntie anymore. The last time I saw them I felt like I didn't know them at all and neither they me. (Technically, I guess, I'm not their auntie anymore.) None of this is their fault but should it be this way? Should I be making more of an effort with them? My ex-h takes our children to see them so my children do spend time with their cousins ... but should I be doing more? They don't miss me at all and, sad though it is, I really don't feel a connection with them anymore. There is now too much distance. I feel terribly guilty for that but the last visits I had with them (with any of them) were just so awkward.

 

This past year, as money has been tight, I decided that I would stop with the birthday visits and presents for the adults and stick with buying for the children. However it is my ex-h who will take the chidren to see their cousins on their birthdays and they give them the presents, not me.

 

Also the last time I visited my mother-in-law I didn't feel overly welcome. Again, there is now a distance betweem us. It is Mother's Day here in the UK soon. After my ex-h and I split up I would still visit her and send her a card. I guess it is time to stop this now? That isn't really fair on my ex-h's new gf.

 

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who is in a similar position and how the situation is with them ... or from anyone who has any opinions on this matter. I really don't know what role I am supposed to play in any of their lives ... if one at all ... especially regarding my nieces and nephew.

[Seraphim]

I do not keep up with my aunt by marriage. My uncle and her broke up some 20 years ago now. I might have kept up with her had she acted better, but she was an immoral sleaze bag that committed stuff like on the Jerry Springer show. This does not apply to you obviously, at the same time though I think it is hard to keep up with ex in law family members because as you said people move onto new relationships. It makes things SO confusing especially for the kids..this is your aunt and this is also your aunt but she is not really your aunt anymore...yada yada....I am sure you understand that. At the same time I can see why you would be hurt because they were once your family. I see nothing wrong with sending your ex mother in law a card. My mother still did that with her ex mother in law and she still has her ex father in law over once a year but only because her husband agrees to it. My grandfather is old almost 92 and he wants to make peace with the people he hurt and my mom was one of those people, so she allows him to make peace with her. All in all though if you are happy in your life now, I would stay in your present life.

[Tanzi]

Thanks Victoria. I am happy with my new life, I guess that is why it has been so easy to pull away. My relationship with my ex-h is in the past. I have totally moved on from it and its hard trying to enjoy a new life when still clinging on to parts of your past ... ex in-laws included. My relationship with my bf is totally unassociated to my past life and I would much rather focus on what I NOW have than what I DID have. It wouldn't be fair on him for me to be involved so closely with my in-laws and subsequently he too, especially with the presence of my ex-h looming over us. Lets face it, if there weren't any children involved then I certainly wouldn't be in contact with my ex-h anymore so, in that respect, it wouldn't work to stay in touch with the in-laws either.

 

I just feel so damn guilty. Like I am the one that has left them behind for my new life. I can imagine my sister-in-law being mad at me for not making more of an effort with my niece and nephew but turning up when I know I am not really wanted or when my ex-h and his gf might make an appearamce is not something I want to keep putting myself through. I get along with my ex-h, I have to for the sake of the children, but to spend any more time with him than is necesssary is really not something I want to do.

 

Today is my ex-father-in-laws birthday. I know everyone will pop in after school. I would have done the same too ... in the past, even after my ex-h and I broke up. Yet today, very early this morning, I posted the cards through the letter box and walked away. I feel terrible for not wanting to spend time with them but this is the way I feel it has to be.

[Seraphim]

I know, we all want to keep up with everyone in our life,I understand that guilt, but in reality we can't, you know?