JerkBrokeMe Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Today would have been my 4th day of NC but he just called and I answered. I'm so disappointed in myself. He asked me if I wanted to hang out this week and I said maybe, I'm not sure. So I'm at least proud I didn't jump at the chance. He wasn't too phased by that and said he'll call me tomorrow and let me know what his day off is and I can decide then. Maybe I won't answer. The joke will probably be on me and he'll end up not even calling. This is only the second time he's called me in the 6 weeks since he broke up with me and both times were after I hadn't contacted him for 4 days. Meaning no facebook, no emails, no texting, no bumping into him (which is way too easy, he works 2 blocks from my house) Talking to him made me feel crappy though. He has this whole new life with his new friends. He was telling me about how on Saturday he did a short comedy routine (he's always wanted to try stand up) to introduce his friend for something and how it went so well and he got lots of laughs and everyone told him he did such a great job. All I could think about was "and you couldn't invite the girl that loved you and supported you for 9 years when you made a dream of yours come true??" but I didn't say anything like that. He did mention that now he's thinking of writing a full routine and would I come see him if he did. And then he said the one thing in the whole conversation that made me feel like I matter. He said "I'll probably be staring at you the whole time cause I'll be so nervous" I can't believe how different he is now. He spends all his time with people he's known and didn't give a crap about for 2 years and asks me to hang out MAYBE once a week. I guess this is all typical dumper behavior but I can't help take it personally, he seems like he's totally moved on sometimes. Anytime he sounds happy, it hurts. I didn't show him that I was upset though and after about 15 mins I just said I'm gonna get going now. And that was that. I'm sure all of it was so insignificant to him yet I can't stop crying. I still don't know if I should hang out with him. When we do and I keep my emotions in check it seems to draw him back in and he looks at me the way he used to and says things that make me feel like he might come back. I hate not knowing how to run my own life. Link to comment
TheJerseyKid Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Honestly, it sounds like you are in a toxic situation that is going to leave you constantly hurting and keep giving him all the power in the situation. If you're broken up... why are you guys talking at all? Why hang out? Hate to be brutal it sounds to me like he's done with you and hes just slowly weaning himself off you, might want to just walk away with your pride and dignity and go strict NC from here on out. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Don't do it. You're not in a place to hang out with him and you know it. You might be able to be friends after a few years of NC, but not now. Keep repeating that to yourself. Text message him and say that you think it's best for space from one another for good so that you can both move on. If he misses you enough he will text message you that he misses you and wants to try again (the "I want to try again" part is what you need to be looking for.) Other than that, realise that he's made his decision, he's happy with his life - he went through those emotions a long time ago and was already detached by the time he dumped you - and you need to heal so you can be happy in yours. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hate to be brutal it sounds to me like he's done with you and hes just slowly weaning himself off you, This is what ALL dumpers are doing when they stay in touch. And you are helping them move on if you stay in touch, not to mention you are CHOOSING to be stuck in one place while they are out there living and moving on. The dumper can only play with you and keep in touch if you LET THEM. You have all of the power. You are not the victim. Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 What both of you are saying is completely valid to me. However I feel like i read just as many reconciliation stories involving remaining in contact as I do no contact. I'm too scared of making such a bold move of telling him I no longer want contact from him. I love him and want him back. That's my one and only goal in being here. And I'm so conflicted as to how to approach it. I thought the fact that I was making him come to me (he called, he asked to hang out..hasn't happened much since we broke up) was a positive thing. There is no one size fits all remedy for getting back together. But I get where you guys are coming from. I don't know if I can do it though. Or if it's right for my specific situation. Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 why are you guys talking at all? Why hang out? We were together for 9 years and still love each other very much. We were fighting too much and he ended it due to that. It didn't change the fact that we love each other. It changed the way we now behave around each other. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 NC is not to get them back. If that happens, then consider it a bonus. No Contact is to help you heal. It was over between you a long time ago. You have not accepted it. You will only accept it when you take control and ask that he respect your need for space if he does not want to be with you. The reason why you think it's a bold move is because you are scared that you will never hear from him again. Well, that's the whole point! He needs time to miss you, and you need indefinate time to move on. If after a while he doesn't come back and chase after you, then consider it a blessing in disguise that you are not still in touch and pining and analysing someone that didn't see a future with you. You must let go, and you have not yet. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I know you still love one another, but that is in the past now. How long are you going to let this limbo go on for? The thing is, if he realises he's made a mistake, HE WILL go after YOU to get you back. Take that chance. Take control. Right now you are making choices from a place of fear of losing him. But once you realise that you already lost him, then you will be able to move on and ask for space. Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 I know you still love one another, but that is in the past now. How long are you going to let this limbo go on for? The thing is, if he realises he's made a mistake, HE WILL go after YOU to get you back. Take that chance. Take control. Right now you are making choices from a place of fear of losing him. But once you realise that you already lost him, then you will be able to move on and ask for space. You've given me a lot to think about. And i will be for the next few days. I'm just not the type to make any rash decisions. I just thought I could do a little NC to clear my head and make him chase me a little. Because I had enough strength at least to officially decide to stop chasing him. My intent was never long term NC. But maybe I need to be even bolder. Like I said, you've given me a lot to think about. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 The benefits of NC are so many that I sometimes lose track. It will give him time to miss you and decide whether he has made a mistake, but unless he tells you otherwise you must assume he is happy without you and keep going. It will take months of NC before the fog begins to lift, and that is just the beginning. Link to comment
22n32 Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 i failed yesterday after 2 weeks.. and sent my ex a text message... Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 Well this is what I wrote him, but I don't know if I can send it. I feel like just disappearing from his world instead. Drama, is there a reason why you believe it has to be stated so bluntly? Doesn't not answering, not contacting, not engaging achieve the same purpose? Couldn't it even be more effective to keep him wondering? I know this is a long, drawn out letter, but I feel like it could be my last chance to let him know my feelings. The feelings that I've been keeping locked away as to not upset him in hopes that he'll come back. Dear xxxx, Please read this entire letter. I'm sorry I'm too weak and emotional to say this to you in person or even over the phone but the last 6 weeks have broken me. I still cant make sense of it. You were still showing me so much love just days before it ended. I honestly don't know what you're doing with me. I've told you multiple times that I can't just be your friend, yet you still take me out once a week, insist on paying for things, tell me you're still IN love with me, hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, tell me I'm beautiful, tell me I'm the most amazing girl you've ever met and follow it all with "but I don't want to lead you on". When I ask you if we could ever try again I get vague answers like "who knows what will happen in the future" and "I'll think about therapy but I'm not ready yet" all the while expecting me to be your friend. I'm sorry but I can't be your friend. I feel used. I feel like you're just using me to transition from the breakup because you know, besides your mother, I'm the only person on this planet that loves you and you're afraid to lose that entirely. What do you think is going to happen to me when you start dating? Do you consider my feelings about anything? It seems like now all you think about is you. When we first broke up I thought the fact that you were spending all this time with people from work and barely talking to me was just to fill the void and heal. I thought eventually you would start making me a part of your life again. But it now feels clear that you genuinely prefer others' company to mine and you don't even invite me to join. Somehow you've forgotten all about the girl you claimed to love and shared everything with for 9 years in 6 short weeks. I don't know if you even care about what this has done to me. You know that I was blindsided and devastated by this. You and I both know that we were going through a major rough patch but that most of it was easily fixable if we had just talked about it and the rest should have been handled in therapy. I don't like to think that you just stopped loving me, but if you still did we would be in therapy together right now. The day before you broke up with me, we had such an amazing time together. And then it was just over?? No trying, no real explanations of why you no longer wanted to try to make things work with the girl you supposedly love and would do anything for. We were supposed to be forever and when things got hard you just ran away, without giving me a chance. Things got hard with you too, you know. Since your brother died life hasn't been easy, with you always getting shut down. But I never once thought of giving up on you. I just wanted you to get help. I don't know if you're genuinely happy now or if its some kind of act but when you call me to tell me all the fun you're having now it kills me. You've always wanted to do comedy and the fact that i wasn't even invited to your first performance hurt me so much. I hung up the phone and cried. I can't stress this enough: I cannot just be your friend. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. I had a prince. You really were a wonderful boyfriend and within a week of breaking up with me you turned into a very selfish and careless person. A person that could kiss another girl the day after promising me ample time to heal first and less than 3 hours after kissing me. I could care less about how drunk you were and how "it didn't mean anything". It meant everything to me. You knew I would be sitting alone in my room, crying, day and night and while thats not your responsibility, I never pictured a time in our lives where you wouldn't care. You've chosen this new meaningless life of going to bars, smoking pot in public and acting like you're 17 over saving something real. And no one ever said you needed to choose between the two. You can try to push it out of our mind all you want but we had real love and were building a future. That's not easy to find. Any relationship of nearly 10 years will have problems, and you're going to live a very sad life if you run away without even warning the person every time it gets there. The crazy thing is i see the way we still spark, I see the way you still look at me, I KNOW you still feel for me but you refuse to let yourself go there. I don't know what you're afraid of. I don't know why you're scared to see how great we could be again. And if it's because you think I'll keep you from your new friends, I know better than that. I wouldn't do that, I have worked on myself a lot in these last weeks. Without you. We needed a wake up call and I got mine. I love you so much and will never be able to move on with my life if we continue in this limbo. I love the small amount of time we spend together but in the end it's what's making me cling to what is most likely false hope. I'm sorry, but I don't think we should be in contact anymore. Again, as the only person who loves you, I will be there if you need me on May 13 (his brothers birthday a hard time for him every year) or July 13 (anniversary of his brother's death -- an even harder time for him). I hope that you will be there for me if I need more surgery. But other than things like those, unless you feel you want to work on getting back together, please do not contact me anymore. I'm sorry it had to come to this.. Maybe someday, a long time from now, when I reflect back on how you've treated me during this breakup it will feel clear to me that you're no longer the person I was in love with and it will be possible to start a friendship. Who knows. Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 i failed yesterday after 2 weeks.. and sent my ex a text message... I take it wasn't a positive experience? Link to comment
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