Question about the dreaded friend zone

[JerkBrokeMe]

I just posted this in the post I've been keeping about my breakup because I've been trying to keep everything in one place but I thought I might get a better response as a new thread. All the ups and downs leading me to this question are in the other post for anyone interested.

 

 

I have a question about peoples' opinion on being "friendzoned". He says we're just friends but insists on paying for everything, our goodnights take forever with lots of kisses goodnight (sometimes passionately, sometimes more gentle but always on the lips) and hugging. He still holds my hand sometimes and in general is just very sweet. On the rarest of occasion when we actually tip toe about discussing the breakup and getting back together, he no longer says there's no chance. He'll say something like "who knows what will happen in the future". So, not that I'm going to see him soon (I'm taking a break for myself) could spending time with him in that capacity still friendzone me?

 

I thought it was helping him come back to me when I first started posting here, but then I got too emotional and too many expectations (because he DID seem like he was starting to want me again). I started to push him away by having expectations again. That's why I'm doing this sort of temporary NC, so I can get my head together before I start spending time with him again. But also so I can make it somewhat on my terms as well.

[Mr Flibble]

Sounds like he wants friends-with-benefits? Unless that's what you want, then you might want to get an actual commitment from him before going far enough that you'll get hurt or feel used. Otherwise, he's having a pretty good time as it is without the commitment. Doesn't mean that you reject him in a mean way or necessarily confront him in a way that will generate high stress, but just set boundaries and explain to him that he can't cross them until you're more certain of his long-term intentions toward you. If you want him, keep him a little bit hungry!

[JerkBrokeMe]

He definitely doesn't want friends with benefits. He won't do anything else on principle saying he doesn't want to lead me on. He literally forced himself to stop when it was getting out of hand the one and only time we were doing more than kissing. Its just when we're saying goodbye we can't help but be that way. I don't know, maybe I'm delusional, but the goodnights feel more romantic than sleazy to me. He'll whisper lots of sweet things in my ear and hold my hands. It's not so much about the kissing.

 

It makes me feel loved, at a time when he's too shut down to talk about any feelings (he won't talk about ANYTHING upsetting - not the break up, not family stuff, nothing. he says its too hard for him. I firmly believe he's going through a deep depression and most that know him agree with me.), but you think I should put an end to it? I have a feeling thats what most will say. =/ I guess I just feel like its the one thing that keeps us from actually being "just friends".

[Mr Flibble]

Ah, good--that makes it a little bit easier! I think you get the dreaded "it all depends." You're getting just about what you want...for now. Would you go into a tailspin if the depression causes him to flake out or snap again (especially without warning)? If he won't talk about anything upsetting, then he's not in a place to communicate problems to you. My ex was like that; she'd just vanish for weeks and not communicate at all (or very slowly and tersely), and sometimes it had nothing to do with me! Or if it did, she wouldn't tell me. But even if it had nothing to do with me it still felt like I was being punished in a way that was soul-crushing and privately I was totally confused by it and resented it. I certainly couldn't count on her consistently having my back. Not quite the same situation as yours. But still, you may be tougher than me!

 

I know the position you're in: It feels so good when it's good. But if he's worth it and you're not sure of him, just take measures to protect yourself. If you doubt you could handle a sudden collapse, do what's right for you. I sure wish I did.

[capilot]

My take: he's totally into you, but doesn't want commitment. He holds back because he doesn't want to hurt you by making you think there's more there than he can give. Or maybe he just doesn't want the drama.

[JerkBrokeMe]

I feel like this level of depression didn't start until right before the breakup. So if the depression was just because he didn't want to be with me you would think he'd be relieved, right? It's still there. He can't think straight, can't talk about things, can't make decisions. Even small decisions like where to go eat. Its scary for me, and I want so badly to take care of him because he has no one else that loves him (not even family) but he's pushed me away for now. I guess I'm trying to do whats right for me right now by taking my own space for a little bit (4 days nc so far) because although I love our time together, the space in between hurts so much. But I don't know if the nc should be longer term or if I should just do it until I can keep my emotions in check and then continue spending time with him (but then the friend zone questions comes back to haunt..). Like I said, at one point the way we were doing things was for sure drawing him back towards me and then my emotions got in the way and he started distancing again. I wish there was an answer..

 

Thanks for your input though.

[JerkBrokeMe]

My take: he's totally into you, but doesn't want commitment. He holds back because he doesn't want to hurt you by making you think there's more there than he can give. Or maybe he just doesn't want the drama.

 

Well I definitely like the part about him being totally into me and hope its true. I agree with what you're saying. I just don't understand why after 9 years he has to hold back and couldn't just talk to me about things like we always have, instead of just breaking them off. So, your opinion, not friend zone behavior?