A question on how to let someone know you´re not interested

[SandyD]

I´d like to know your opinions on the best way to let someone know you´re not interested in pursuing anything with them.

 

Here´s the thing... I´m a single girl and I´ve been making out with a few guys I find attractive (nothing more), as single girls will do. I´m not interested in a relationship right now, at least until I find someone I really click with... so I´m taking my time and having fun.

 

Well... I usually give these guys my number and play a little phone tag with them. I usually see them once more in a group setting to see if I actually like them, but none of the boys I´ve met really do it for me... so I lose interest, yet they keep calling. And then they REALLY turn me off. One of the guys called me two weeks after I hadn´t returned his one call, and sounded really pissed because I didn´t seem interested. Another guy keeps calling and saying really cheesy things, and just really smothering me. When I think about him, and when I remember I actually kissed him, I almost want to throw up. (sorry)

 

I act friendly and truly don´t mean to lead anyone on, and I know I gave them my number, but I´m having a real hard time letting these guys know I am not interested in anything but a possible friendship with them. I don´t call, when they ask to get together I suggest group activities (I like them, just don´t want to get together again), I don´t feel like I should have to be blunt because it was just a kiss after all, it´s not a relationship for crying out loud! But I´m starting to get really angry. Especially because they seem to be getting angry AT ME! And I know I didn´t do anything!

 

Maybe I´m just being too sensitive. I don´t want to be on bad terms with anyone, I just don´t want people getting the wrong idea.

 

I am seeing one guy pretty regulary, and it´s not exclusive yet, and I´ve been freaking out on him a bit because I don´t want a relationship, but more than anything he is becoming a good friend so I cherish that. He says I´m confusing and don´t know what I want, and that I should just let things happen. I just get a little uptight about people getting attatched or having expectations of me that I have no intentions of fulfilling.

 

I don´t want to be a jerk, or to fear my phone. What are some good yet not blunt (cause I don´t like that and I don´t even think it´s appropriate) ways to let them know I´m not interested?

THANKS!!

[debaser]

Well, I don't really have any advice about your current situation, sorry...but I just wanted to say this.

 

I was doing things really similar when i was a bit younger and I met my fiance that way... but, please, be careful. There is nothing wrong with flirting and having fun, especially when you're young, but if you're not careful it can lead you into bad situations Trust me.

 

So please, take care, and I'm sure someone with better advice about your current situation will come along soon lol

[debbieh]

If you are not interested in a guy, just tell him. Honesty with this kind of thing is always the best policy.

 

Of course these guys will be angry with you, look at it from their point of view. They've met a girl they like, they hit it off and have a kiss or two, she gives them her number, they talk, they go out again, then she completely ignores them for no apparent reason. That's just confusing.

 

How would you feel if someone you liked did that to you. Yeah it might not be a serious relationship or anything, but people do still have feelings, I would find that rude coming from anyone, even a friend, let alone from someone i thought was a potential mate and lets face it, this is the vibe you are giving off.

 

I know you think you are trying to be nice by not hurting their feelings by outrightly rejecting them, but you are actually hurting their feelings more by letting them think something which is not true - ie that you like them back.

 

So that is what you should do, be honest, just say "Thank you for asking but I really am not interested in anything but friendship - nothing more."

[Meow18]

I agree with the other posters.

 

You are hurting these guys more by just ignoring them. You need to be honest with them. Just tell them that you aren't interested in them. Say something like "you are a cool guy & i think we could become good friends, but thats kind of all i would like." Yeah, you may hurt them, but they are going to be hurt more if you aren't honest. This is just the honest way that won't continue leading them on.

 

So what if it was just a kiss. Some people get emotionally involved when they make out with someone. If you don't like the situations you are getting yourself into, then maybe you should start controlling who you make out with & then who you give your number to. If you know after you make out with them that you aren't interested, then don't give them your number because most likely they will call.

 

When you make out with them, they automatically assume that you are interested. So, if you don't want to lead them on, then don't make out with them. If you are going to make out with them, then make sure they know that its not because you are interested in them, its just because you want to make out & possibly make a friend. Its that simple.

 

Now, if you aren't sure if you are interested in them so you give them your number to hang out more to see if you like them, then once you find out that you aren't interested, you should let them know. I know you don't want to lead them on, but you really will. You just got to be honest.

 

As the first poster said, just be careful. I'm sure you don't need to hear it because its obvious that you should be careful, but there are some crazy people out there. Be careful of who you give your number to. Sorry for the lecture, I know you know how to take care of yourself, but seriously, just be careful.

[Matt01]

i agree with the others ...... maybe you stop leading guys on and that would solve your problems.

[Spirits Away]

What can i say SandyD... I don't even know why you posted this but I think all guys will dislike your nature and how you handle things

 

I know many males, knowing the female likes them, who would actually sacrifice their repu tation (word restricted) by acting like they're players so that the girl would hate them rather than getting hurt over him. YOU on the other hand... hmm... Haha, well it's funny

 

Lead them on, and then not call them, afterwards when the guy calls you, you "get turned off", and then claims that we're the one who are WRONG when we get emotional and that further turns you off... lol...

Check your own message out

 

they REALLY turn me off. One of the guys called me two weeks after I hadn´t returned his one call, and sounded really pissed because I didn´t seem interested. Another guy keeps calling and saying really cheesy things, and just really smothering me. When I think about him, and when I remember I actually kissed him, I almost want to throw up.

 

I need not say more

 

Lets ignore the fact that you're leading them on. If you REALLY want to "try", you should pick your next victim who has the same value as you. When it comes to relationship, some are beginners, some have a bit of an experience, and some are full of experiences. Ones with no experiences or even a bit of experience, have high hopes when it comes to relationship. They are actually looking forward, as well as loyal to a relationship. You have this tendency to destroy their innocence. Most of us are not like you. They actually want to love and got hurt because of some careless Ditch..er

[Santa]

 

If you don't want to be this situation, don't be so nasty to these guys in the first place, by leading them on like you have.

My personal advice is that you should stop behaving like this, and show people some respect. Sorry.

[Scout]

Gee Sandy...I was surprised to read this post from you, too, because I remember you were not too happy recently with a guy who you felt was playing you.

 

I know you don't mean to be thoughtless. And hey, we all regret every now and then giving our number to someone in hindsight. I also think there is nothing wrong in lightly dating several people. But - if you are having a situation where there are a few guys that are hounding you and you wish they wouldn't, you might want to slightly revise your dating strategy to emphasize quality rather than quantity.

 

And don't forget...karma has a nasty bite. So do go into these situations with a little more foresight, if possible.

 

- Scout

[SandyD]

Thanks you guys... I guess I needed to hear all of that.

 

I am not nasty to these guys, I do like them, I just have it in my head that kisses are just for fun and don´t necessarily mean anything. I guess I should revise that. I guess kissing someone sometimes means more than you intend it to, and I should be clearer about my intentions instead of just playing friendly and messing people up.

 

I guess I am acting like a player. I have been played before and it seems like so many guys I meet are players that I just almost assumed it was normal to behave this way. Maybe that´s why I´m angry at the guys I´ve been dating, because they somehow called me on it.

 

I just want to be able to casually date people and not be involved, but I somehow forgot that I have to mention this to people. I know... stupid! Sorry if this post seemed weird to all of you... it was an honest question though. Thanks for putting my feet back on the ground!

[Meow18]

I'm glad to hear that our advice helped you.

 

Just in case you are wondering how to go about making these guys realize that you aren't quite sure if you want to have an actual relationship with them just yet, I would suggest that when they ask for your number, give it to them if you want to. Sometime when you are giving them your number be like "So, you should definantly call me sometime & we can hang out & get to know each other more, because I think at the least we could make good friends."

 

That way it will be a hint that you are at that point interested in getting to know them more, but not totally wanting to jump into a serious relationship yet. But at the same time, it still leaves the possibility of a serious relationship later down the road. But then definantly, if at some point, you realize that you really don't want to be more than friends, but still want to be friends, & you have a feeling they are looking to become more than friends, let them know how you are feeling.

[ocean9]

If you don't want them to call you, don't give them your number.

Instead, get their numbers, and call them when (if) you want to see them.

Slow it down a little with these guys.

Play it safe.

[mb37kids]

You might not be leading them on but they might see it that way unfortunately. Be honest and say up front and say that thye are not your type or that you just aren't interested. Don't insult their intelligence by saying "I like you as a friend"! Friends don't normally get hot and heavy together.

Another really good way to stop this would be to NOT give out your number but rather get their number instead. You are then in control of the situation and could pass yours on at a later date

[tiger_lilies]

I have a story to tell you SandyD because I am in a similar situation as you.

 

Recently I was "picked up" by a man who I met on the street while walking home from work. He approched me and we had a decent conversation. He ended up walking with me for another 4 blocks trying hard to get my number...I reluctanly gave it to him because I felt guilt tripped into it. I was trying to be nice, but this small mistake got me into a whole lot of trouble.

 

To make a long story short, he's been calling me, I politely turned him down a number of times. Never even had a longer than 30 second chat with him over the phone and now he's left a harassing message on my voice mail. Let me say that the message is sexually sick, perverted and disgusting.

 

I've made a report to the police. I am scared now because I know that his office is very close to my work. I'm even more afraid of him seeing me from his office as I walk past his work to and from home.

 

After this experience, I will never give my number out so easily again. Did I lead him on? I don't know, I don't think so...but obviously he is perverted enough to think that he can leave a sexual message on my voice mail...to someone he hardly knows! Who does that??? Only sickos to!

 

So be careful SandyD. Don't end up giving your digits out to some weirdo like I did.

[Scout]

That is so weird. I had a similar experience recently, but I met the guy at a concert. He seemed normal enough, and we talked about tennis. He said he liked to play, and at the end of our conversation I gave him my phone number. He called me THAT NIGHT but said he was just connecting to make a firm date for tennis, which we did. I went to bed, and was woken up when at one thirty in the morning, my phone rang again. I didn't answer it, but checked the message after. Same guy, and he left a very sick, sexual message as well. I was so stunned I immediately deleted the message. I regret doing so, I should have saved it and reported it to the police.

 

So yeah, I'm going to be a lot more descriminating about who I give my number too, as well. There's some real scum out there.

[Spirits Away]

SandyD, since you plan on changing, this message is not intended to in any way go against you

 

Guys read the first post

 

I´ve been making out with a few guys I find attractive

I act friendly and truly don´t mean to lead anyone on

What are some good yet not blunt ways to let them know I´m not interested?

 

and now read this

 

mb37kids

You might not be leading them on but they might see it that way unfortunately

 

Making out, to guys who are moderately experienced or less and also have high moral, means relationship. I'm with a group of 10 people, we're all 21. 8/10 will believe it means RELATIONSHIP. So if you really got nothing better to do and have a hobby of kissing attractive guys, do it to ones who will not think like the 80% of the males.

 

I don't think you guys know male species too much. As much as we act like we're corrupted, most of us are born good. If you can't see through that, you'd assume that the guys who act like jerks or talk dirty will have your uninhibited lifestyle. If we had a choice of getting into a serious relationship or dating many girls, 95% of male will choose serious relationship. I really don't know what concept you guys instilled into your mind about guys and girls nowadays, but if you call making out not "leading them on" and that when the guy calls you, you "get turned off" and blame us for being too serious, you are very close to becoming a player.

[Matt01]

im sry im posting so late but i cant stand this.....

You guys go around kissing and making out thinking its all fun and games. A few months ago I got really screwed over by a girl like you sandy...i will never be the same. Like spirit said, you lose a sense of innocence and hope. Now, I dont even look for relationships because I dont want to go through that bull again. Im friendly to women but theres always that voice in the back of your head never to pursue anything....whatever............