Help! I started behaving like a stalker

[HummingBird]

I realized I was behaving in a way I can't even recognize after my break up and I'm getting scared. I'll really appreciate some advice from anyone since I'm losing my mind here.

 

My ex and I mutually agreed to break up last week. We were serious but also realized there are some incompatabilties between us. He was the one who initiated the break up, and since I'd been having doubt about our relationship for a while I agreed to end it. Though deep down I still wished he would reconsider but I was too proud to ask. My logical mind kept telling me that I should just forget about him and move on. But I still frequently experience the urge to get him back. I've been talking to a lot of my friends about my break up as part of te healing process. I found out from a mutual friend that my ex used to be on an online dating site called lavalife before he met me. Out of curiosity, I got on and searched for profiles that fit his personal description. And I almost freaked out when I saw his profile that said he last updated his profile 2 months ago when we were still together and the relationship was going well that time. Eventhough I know I cannot conclude that he intended to meet girls online just based on the fact that he updated his profile, but I still feel so betrayed. I feel like confronting him but the relationship is over, what's the point? Then I realized I'm behaving like a stalker and I hated myself for doing that. But yet, my impulse beats my logical mind and I can't control myself. He claimed that he was serious with me, and a lot of signs pointed toward that (I was the first girl he brought home after his last serious relationship which ended 5 yrs ago). Now I'm obessed with the thought that he was thinking about meeting other girls while we were together and I'm deeply hurt.

 

Please, somebody please advice me and put some senses into my head. Do I have a reason to feel hurt? How can I stop my obssesive behaviour and start focusing on myself again?

[hurtbylove]

No one can stop this behavior but you.

 

It will take time to learn self-control. I was the same way, I wanted to know all sorts of tid-bits about my ex even after we weren't together anymore.

 

Trust me, whatever you find out will just end up hurting you.

 

It is human nature to be curious about them... How they are faring without you.. do they care about you anymore ..

 

It's all about self control.

 

If you do not stop this obsessive behavior, you will never heal properly and prolong your pain.

 

It takes a lot of time to start to "forget" about your ex. Months even. Resist every attempt to find out more about your ex, cut him out of your life.

[fantasia2004]

Stalking should only be regarded if you go to the extreme of visiting at unknown unwelcome hours at their job, school, place of work etc.

 

Just harassing with calls is bad but understandable but if it continues a restraining order could be issued against you.

 

Control the behavior before it controls you.

[birdgirl]

I think it's normal to have gone to that site and to have felt hurt. If that's the only thing you're doing, it's not so bad. If you're sitting outside his house at night, that's a different story.

 

Of course you're hurt, but at least you're out of the relationship and not being cheated on.

[jmh1216]

Out of curiosity.... Why do we always do things out of curiosity and end up getting hurt? I KNOW I'm going to be hurt every time I read my ex-fiancee's online journal but I do it anyway. I hate that.

[HummingBird]

Thanks so much for everyone who replied. I really need your support to get through this tough time.

 

Yes, if we know we're gonna get hurt by engaging in some meaningless and irrational actions, why do we still do it? I can usually rationalize a lot of things, but when it comes to relationships, I acted so foolishly and can't seem to stay logical. This feeling of betrayal is so overwhelming that I almost phoned him to confront him. I really can't explain my behaviour. If I could maybe I wouldn't feel as hurt. I don't know why I bothered searching for his profile especially now the relationship is over. I guess I rather believe that we ended the relationship due to incompatibilties but not because he has lost interest in me. But it is over between us, why should I care how and why it ended? And another funny thing is, I used to trust him 100% and could never think he's the unfaithful type. Why all of a sudden I lost all my trust in him? I really hope I knew the answer. Perhaps I have low self-esteem problem and just look for the reasons to get hurt subconsciously? If anyone can provide their words of wisdom, it would really be a great help.

 

I hate myself for losing control. But I can't seem to control myself!

[kate111]

Dear Hummingbird,

 

Of course you feel betrayed. He was looking for other women while he was supposedly committed to you.

 

You are by no means a stalker. In fact you seem to have been remarkably rational about this whole thing.

 

If you want to have some fun then you could answer his profile yourself and see if he is attracted/knows it is you. That would be funny.

[HummingBird]

Update. My irrational mind finally took over and I did a horrible thing. I got curious with that site and decided to browse other members. While I was browsing for memebers who're currently online, I saw his profile. I don't know what got into me I decided to IM him. I said "I cannot believe you're here. How long has this been going on?"..no reply.. so I sent another msg "I'm surprised to see your profile here. Talk to me. I'm not mad at you. I guess you've been having doubts for a while. I respected your decision". I even called his cell. Of course he didn't answer.

 

The minute I sent him the msg I started to regret it right away. Ok. Now I'm officially a stalker! Or at least he will think I am. I was making progress in my healing and now this! I guess this incident will really cut any secret hope for us to get back together in the future. What is done is done. At least i my mind I can really move on without thinking if we still have a chance. But the problem now is, not only that I have healing to do, I also have to live with the shame for acting in such disrespectful way. Why do smart women do foolish things? I feel so ashamed....

[hurtbylove]

We do these things because we still want to feel like we are a part of their life.

 

When reality is that we have been cut out and left behind.

 

We read and find these things out to feel close to them.

 

Most of us should be doing no contact. For those relationships that ended amicably, it may be different. But for the rest of us who want our ex's back, this behavior becomes torture.

 

Trust me when I say that the mind and the heart are two very distinct and often opposing entities. The heart will do what it wants, even when the mind knows it to be wrong.

 

I knew I should stop this behavior, "Get over her", all these things in my mind. I could tell others to do the same. But the most difficult is to take your own advice. It takes time. You will make mistakes, but now that I'm at the ending leg of the journey of breakup, im still here. The pain has dulled, but I have for the most part, forgiven.

 

I do not believe the pain fully ever leaves, but it becomes quite bearable. There are still the times of sadness, but keep moving forward

 

It's all we ever can do.

 

Don't feel ashamed. We have all done the stupid behavior trying to get our ex's back, the begging, checking up on what they're up to.. give yourself a break too. Your ex has been a huge part of your life and now they're gone. There is a huge void. Someday that void will be filled with love again ....

[kate111]

Dear Hummingbird,

 

Who cares what he thinks of you. You were mad and got it out of your system.

 

He won't hold this against you. It was a natural reaction.

 

Now that you have communicated to him your anger over this just be silent.

 

Silence speaks VOLUMES.

 

Believe me it won't give you the immediate gratification that calling him would, but it will be best now.

 

It will show your disapproval and he will RESPECT you.

 

Then after no contact for a month or two, you can be friendly again.

 

Oh and by the way, getting angry at someone because they were semi-cheating on you during your relationship is NOT stalking.

[HummingBird]

Thank you guys so much again for all the advice. I was tossing and turning couldn't go to sleep last night. I didn't feel like crying. Just feeling hurt and hatred. Hurt by betrayal. Hurt that I foolishly believed that he was serious with me. And hate him for acting like a nice guy when we broke up and hasn't been honest with me all these time. I don't care anymore if I acted like a stalker. I had to channel out my rage... but this is as much as I can do. I know rest is up to me. I realized that I may need external help so I just called a therapist. Bloody expensive but I hope it's worth it.

 

Thank you again for the support!

[saren]

Consider it an 'investment in yourself'. No better thing to invest in.

[fantasia2004]

You will be just fine . Just think about you!