long, but please respond...im so confused!

[Manda2113]

My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months and broke up about a month ago. I'm 18 going off to college, and he is a 23-year-old police officer. Although there was an obvious age difference, both of our parents were ok w/ it, and we are very similar in many ways. My boyfriend had a 3 yr relationship before ours in which he was about to marry the girl, she hurt him many times, and they broke up...he has been very hurt by this experience. Anyhow, about 5 months into our relationship, we began to argue...about little stupid things...we were both going through some stressful times and I think my insecurities also played a role in these arguments. During the duration of our relationship I did 3 stupid things that caused most of our arguments:

1. went out w/ a guy friend to the movies (totally innocent, i swear!)

2. got mad at him for cancelling our plans after he got in a car accident (although on the phone he made it out to be 'no big deal')

3. questioned him when he told me he loved me, b/c he said it for the first time while we were having sex

So, w/ that, we had a talk and acknowledged that things were shaky but we wanted to work things out...after this talk we went on two more dates that went very well...things were looking up for us. However, on our second date, I confused seeing 'the movie' with my boyfriend and not my guy friend...in front of a friend of mine. That was the final straw and he broke up w/ me...and while he was breaking up, i told him i agreed and it was mutual (it wasnt, i was just FREAKING out).

After that, i called him the next day and poured my heart out on his answering machine...he texted me the next day saying, "thanks for the kind words, but it cannot be right now." I waited a week and called him...the conversation went horrible...we argued b/c he had no clue how he felt or why we broke up and i wanted answers. the next day i wrote him a very personal, honest letter. I didnt hear from him in two weeks so I sent him a text asking if he'd gotten a chance to think about my letter...and he called me saying he never got it!! at this point, we talked a bit on the phone, he still sounded pretty confused, but told me he still cared for me and wanted to read the letter, and asked me to send it again...i told him i needed his address, and he told me he would text it to me later on. he never did, so the next night, i texted him saying that id been thinking about him alot since we last talked and rewrote the letter for him. so thats where things stand. at this point, after all the emotional stress ive gone through, im beginning to doubt everything...i want to get back together, but at what cost? i know i was in the wrong, but at the same time, if he loves me, and wants to get back together, wouldnt he be making more of an attempt? i dont know what to think...after a month of emotional strain, i dont even think that im thinking properly anymore!

[Manda2113]

i forgot to add something i think is important (its so hard to pick and choose important details!)

during our first, bad phone conversation after our break up, he told me that if i hadnt agreed w/ him and called our break up mutual, we'd prob still be together.

[ForAnother]

Yeah, I know how it can be. I would say to just pass by this guy. I am sure you have been told that "Your going to college, you will find another fish." I was told that too, however me and my gf got back together. I don't think this guy is worth your time. I was like him earlier in my relationship (very concerned if she went out with a bunch of guys). Now that I have worked it out, and kind of relaxed... I don't mind if she goes out to the movies with her best guy friend. Hell I have gotten so relaxed, she slept at his house the other night... I don't mind one bit, because I know now how pure my love is for her, and how much I trust her. Without that much trust I don't think we would be dating again.

 

Building trust is key to get this relationship started again. Trust doesn't come without time. I believe you would have to be his friend again to consider dating him. You have to wait until each other cools down, says sorry, and doesn't even consider getting back together... until you CAN consider getting back together. (kinda odd eh? thats just the way I guess it works).

 

As a guy, I would probable not want to go back to a girl after all that has happened. Sure I would have feelings, but I would not have them in the same way as before.

 

ForAnother

[Manda2113]

ive sent him two messages- one saying i re wrote the letter, the second one being more blunt (ie i need ur address)...i havent heard back so i think during my lunch break im going to call and lay it all down...ill either read him the letter on the phone or ask to meet tonight. i feel like he is playing mind games w/ me...saying he cares and wants to hear me out and read my letter, but then not following through w/ his address...at a certain point, and i think im just about there i guess you have to wake up and smell the roses and say, 'enough is enough.' i wanted to be pacient and wait, but its been a month...and i just cant take the pain anymore...am i being selffish or is it ok to call him today and put everything out on the table?

[ForAnother]

hey hey, wait watch out. Don't lay it on him if you haven't talked to him in a bit. If you lay it on him and haven't talked to him in like 2 weeks or so, then he is going to laugh at you and say "you are still thinking about this??" because to me it seems he is already done with the situation.... I would just be careful before throwing it all down... it typically doesn't go so well, in my experiences however.

 

ForAnother

[Manda2113]

hey thanks for your advice, however...i got it a little too late...he decided that he wanted to meet up...so we met last night...it was SO GOOD to see him...he was wearing these DORKY shorts, and on anyone else they'd be such a turnoff- but on him, they were absolutely adorable...

 

ANYHOW, i was just planning on chatting and catching up, then giving him the letter to read at home...that way our meeting would be light and pleasant lol...so, after a little chit chat, he brought stuff up, and wanted to read the letter then and there...so he did, and after responded, "that came from the heart...i dont know what to say"....so i told him he should just sleep on and give it some thought...he didnt need to say anything right away...

 

but before he left, i said, "hey i dont want to push it, like i dont need a response to the letter or anything, but do u know what you're thinking or feeling at all?" and he just said he was really tired and not thinking straight, and didnt know...his famous last words these days.

 

well, i know that what ive done is all i can do...if its not good enough, its just not good enough...ive been doing a lot of praying b/c i know its out of my hands now. just waiting for that call....

[ForAnother]

wow thats great. (I would have suggested you not say those last few words, but its ok). Yeah let him sit on it. Cool, he seems like a good guy saying "i want to read it." Kinda means that he cares about what your thinking.

 

Keep it up.

 

ForAnother

[Manda2113]

thanx foranother for keepin up w/ me...it is appreciated! ill letcha know when he calls!

[Manda2113]

hmm...he didnt call last night, i was assuming he would...he was off yesterday, so he had the whole day to think about it! i guess im REALLY assuming he'll call tonight then (today is his last day off before he goes back to work for the weekend). do you think its a bad sign i didnt get a call last night?

[ForAnother]

hmm... I wouldn't think "bet" on when he calls. Its tough waiting, infact I think that its one of the hardest things to do during relationships. However, I think that you should try and do something else, so when he calls you can be 'doing something' which will get him thinking some more. Seriously, its silly, but dating is like a game, you have to find ways to win as much as possible for you to have the extra bit of control.

 

Going out also will keep your mind off of "IS HE GONNA CALL." going out will pass the time. Just have to exclude it from your mind at the moment.

 

Keep on posting, I am curious how it turns out. (if you have a copy, I would love to read that letter. If you uncomfortable putting it here, feel free to PM me if willing to share it, t'would love to read it)

 

ForAnother

[Manda2113]

HE CALLED LAST NIGHT!! (thats 5 days i waited!!) so i guess ur wondering if it was good or bad...well so am i lol. at first it wasnt going too well, he told me that he didnt think it could work out etc...but then we started talking more and more, and he started sounding more and more like he really didnt feel like it couldnt work out...so i asked him if he was sure that this was what he wanted, and he just kinda whispered, ' i dont know. ' so then he told me how much he misses me and wishes he could see me, and how the feelings are all still there...but then the next min he'd say that while i wait i should try to move on, and well he was just all over the place. it sounded like his 3 main setbacks as to getting back together are: 1. his past 3 yr relationship 2. his job (he said he has these dreams where he's being shot and really thinks something mite happen to him, and he doesnt want me to have to go through that...iunno if thats him being dramatic or a lame excuse lol) 3. inconvenience/my parents (who arent thrilled w/ him now as they see how he's broken my heart, and never cared for me dating a cop to begin w/) but we talked for like an hour just joking and catching up...it felt so good, and i could tell he thought the same thing....wat is this boy thinking? why is he holding back?? he seems like he really wants us to work, but almost forcing himself to make a different decision. anyhow, do you think i should text him while i wait again? i did last time, and it seemed to work out alright...didnt push him away as i see it, besides he's kinda ADD...maybe he needs some texts to remind him and focus him on making a decision! o and also, i told him that evertime he makes me wait, it hurts me more, so while he's making up his mind, he should keep how im feeling in mind...and he told me he really didnt mean to hurt me and he's sorry. ok well...let me know waht you can gather from all this mumble jumble lol