Ugh...when can the snooping end?

[TomboyMS]

There's no trust. So get rid of him and stop making yourself and him miserable.

[Maroney555]

Thanks for the input here everybody. Despite the continued advice to just leave him, that isn't an option. I am not giving up on my marriage over something that is possible to fix and work out between us.

 

For those who have been supportive in providing input, I think you.

[Miss Firecracker]

Thanks for the input here everybody. Despite the continued advice to just leave him, that isn't an option. I am not giving up on my marriage over something that is possible to fix and work out between us.

 

For those who have been supportive in providing input, I think you.

 

Good luck, Maroney...from one snoop to another.

[TomboyMS]

So what would he have to do to satisfy you? I can almost guarantee you that he isn't going to stop communicating with other people. You have no right to ask him to.

 

Thanks for the input here everybody. Despite the continued advice to just leave him, that isn't an option. I am not giving up on my marriage over something that is possible to fix and work out between us.

 

For those who have been supportive in providing input, I think you.

[penelope13]

Thanks for the input here everybody. Despite the continued advice to just leave him, that isn't an option. I am not giving up on my marriage over something that is possible to fix and work out between us.

 

Are you saying you wouldn't leave him, even if you found something by snooping? - What is the benefit of snooping then? It is just hurting you, either by driving you crazy, because you don't find anything so you are worried he has hidden it better, or by knowing everything he is up to in secret which of course will drive you crazy.

 

But I am not sure if you are talking about past indiscretions on his part or ongoing things? If he has 'misbehaved' in the past and you have decided to have forgiven him (after all you are still with him), you also have to learn to forget about it. Again the person you are hurting most with this is yourself.

 

Despite your snooping you can't control his behavior. If he is so inclined, he will always find another way, create an account that you are not aware of in order to deceive you.

 

The decision you can take is either to accept him the way he is and trust him that he will not further betray you, or you have to leave him.

 

Counseling (as a couple or an individual) may indeed help you with learning better tools how to deal with the past and the trust issue

[Maroney555]

So what would he have to do to satisfy you? I can almost guarantee you that he isn't going to stop communicating with other people. You have no right to ask him to.

 

and i completely agree with you. this is something that i have to work on within myself. i feel as though im projecting my insecurities out on him and letting little, ridiculous things get in the way of what could be an amazing marriage. i have some thoughts to siphon through...

[Maroney555]

if i found something worth ending the relationship over, then yes...i would leave him.

[TomboyMS]

I'm not judging you by any means. I actually would like to understand. My most recent ex thought it was ok to snoop on me. I HATED it. I'm naturally a private person. I started protecting my phone not because I had anything to hide, but because she could find a reason to make an issue out of any little thing. Of course this led to more accusations. I got tired of being accused. It made me feel like she was saying that I will have sex with any and everybody. To me that's very hurtful (not to mention ridiculous and unnecessary). We are broken up now (we have broken up other times for similar reasons) because she accused me of someone. There was absolutely NOTHING going on with me and that person. She broke up with me because she said I was a liar when I denied it. I told her, "Fine then". I haven't spoken to her since.

and i completely agree with you. this is something that i have to work on within myself. i feel as though im projecting my insecurities out on him and letting little, ridiculous things get in the way of what could be an amazing marriage. i have some thoughts to siphon through...

[Maroney555]

I am sorry if I've been putting up defenses. It's just so frustrating for me, so I can only imagine where he's at in the whole situation and I am genuinely scared of losing him. It's a weird concept, because I don't feel like I trust him, but at the same time I know he wouldn't mess around or screw up our relationship. I have been gaining weight and he pointed it out, so I feel like he doesn't find me attractive and would rather find someone else.

 

It's going to be a matter of building my self-esteem and confidence back. I just want to work on not lashing out at him. My best friend is a closet jealous person but she's good at holding it in and not acting on every emotion. I, on the other hand, am very emotional. I don't know what's worse....bottling it up or lashing out.

[generaldiscord]

You know you have a problem, that's the first step. The second is making a commitment to change it. Then you can go about reading the advice and forming a plan.

 

Basically, what you look for you will find. You're basically asking your husband to lie if you forbid him from having a good time with a coworker he carpools with. You know he changes his passwords once a month... do you also know that lots of people do that as a matter of course?

 

Then address the way you view your husband. If you're constantly suspicious and looking for faults, not only will you make yourself miserable, you'll make him miserable as well. It's just not a good idea. Stop snooping.

[Starrgrl]

Eh.... You really shouldn't have married this guy. It's most likely he is fooling around, or has in the past. =/

[chrissyhall]

I dont care what anyone says if they have reason to snoop they will. You can be in a relationship or marriage and need reassurance that your mates is being real. I would not like a stranger or even some of my friends going though my computer and I have nothing to hide from the-- but my husband-- and him me-- if i can be held responsible for his finiancial decisions and things such as that the there is no privacy in a marriage-- when 2 people become one there is no reason or should be no reason to hide things. I have snooped and everytime time I have found something that is a deal breaker but i am hanging in there because i believe there are reasons for his stupid behavior. I believe when it's time for me to move on then God will do that for me but he didnt say be stupid.

[hexaemeron]

I'm a little concerned you don't see a possible correlation between you believing your husband has no privacy, and the fact that his behavior shows he wants some. Maybe you should think about that.

[bichin]

Snooping crosses boundaries which can only increase relationship strife. The real issue should always be how is your partner treating you and you don't need snooping to figure that out simply awareness will suffice.

[xyzzzz]

im like you OP. but i wasnt a snooper. with my ex i never wanted to snoop on him but with my current bf..i did that twice.cuz once it was just out of boredem but i found flirty messages. though he said it was just jokes and he even said he would delete such accounts for me. but i didnt ask him to and i regreted it now.cuz second time i got suspicious and snooped again and found out he's still sending flirty msg. though he "thought" they were just playful banter. and lots of peopel here say i should dump him but i cant leave him just like you cant leave your hubby. but why should i put up with everything.cuz after all he wasnt that innocent either. he should take some sacrifise too. so i asked him to get rid of his connection to those "female friends" completely,to which he agreed. so OP i think you should ask him to stop whatever it is going on with his ex or co-workers.

[Tresha]

We just aren't meant to know everything our partners do. It is not healthy, and there seems to be a whole huge demographic that needs to know everything and be connected 24/7 or there is something horribly wrong. That's just a codependent, controlling, chaotic mess! I love my mother, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. However, I have hurt her many times in my life. The act of living means that you will step on someone's toes at some point, and the people's toes you step on the most are the ones you are closest to. Husbands are no different. He is not an extension of me. He is his own person! I don't have a right to all of his secrets or feelings or time or attention or whatever. We become one family, but we do not become one person.

 

I also don't believe everyone will snoop, even if given reason. Some people really really don't mind their partner being an individual with some privacy and space of their own. Some people like privacy and space themselves. Are there no more introverts in the world? Is no one secure in themselves at all?

 

I don't snoop, period. It has nothing to do with the other person, whether they have given any signals, whether I have any reason to suspect them. It has to do with me, how I react, how I view myself and my partner. I respect him as well as love him. Out of respect for him, I come to him with any concerns and take what he says at face value. If trust is ever broken (it gets bent from time to time, we all have different perceptions), I'll deal with it when it happens. If he's untrustworthy, you'll know soon enough without snooping. If he's trustworthy, you may have just killed a good relationship.

 

I just can't live a suspicious life, too much anxiety and stress and self-doubt/partner-doubt. Half the stuff people "find" when snooping is just mountain out of a mole hill stuff. People expect to find something so they keep looking until they find something they can interpret or twist a certain way. If they aren't ready to leave the relationship, it is explained away and the snooper feels more anxiety and a stronger urge to snoop "just to be sure." If they are ready to leave the relationship, there is really no need to snoop to find the excuse.