Mental Illness, slowly ruining relationship?

[Lauren8785]

How do you feel about his dishonesty in not telling you about his illness before you made this commitment? What is his justification for hiding this from you? Given his allowing you to make this huge commitment without telling you this it seems unlikely he will be willing to do the work it takes to get the help he needs. Especially if you want a family some day at the very least I would move out and date and see if he gets the therapy and meds he needs -you can reevaluate in a year.

 

I never thought of him being dishonest, I mean who dates and all of a sudden just brings up they have a mental illness? I doubt many people talk about something like that while they're dating and I certainly wouldn't just ask someone, " Hey do you have a mental illness?" cause if so I don't want to date you.....not a topic people talk about on dates. I remember him telling me he was scared to tell me about this at all because he didn't want me to judge him and he was afraid I would make fun of him for being that way. Which if I had a mental illness maybe I would feel the same way and not want to talk about it or be afraid someone would make fun of me too. So that's understandable.

 

He was going to a psychologist for a couple visits until he found out that his insurance doesn't cover it so he had to stop going, why he didn't find that out before hand, I do not know, but at least that showed me he does care and knows he needs help and made an effort to. Right now as I mentioned in the beginning, he doesn't know if his current insurance covers that type of thing, he needs to find that out first and if not we can't afford to go to one, so as someone posted on here for me- a website for low income or free services, we will check that out. He said he is willing to get help its just a matter of money, as with anything else in life.

 

Maybe, I will move out not sure yet right now don't have any where to go, so I need to stick it out for a while.

[Batya33]

When people are seriously dating and discussing a future (as you and your fiance presumably did) it is very unusual not to share whether you have any chronic illnesses whether mental or physical. I agree that most people who go on a handful of dates won't ask that or discuss it but this is a man you agreed to marry and live with - I find it very strange -and dishonest -that he didn't share this information with you before he asked you to make such a serious commitment. Sounds to me like you are in a bit of denial and that your reasons for staying have at least somewhat to do with a fear of being on your own. There is always somewhere to go -please don't fall into the trap of staying in a relationship -particularly where you've promised to marry the person- out of convenience. Your relationship will be far healthier if you live apart so he can work on his issues in a more effective way and so you can both get breathing room from each other.

[Lauren8785]

He did tell me he has a mental illness before he purposed to me, but again that wasn't until we lived together. What am I denying? If I had somewhere to live, I surely would be out already and I certainly am not afraid to be alone I am very independent! I'm not staying just cause he promised to marry me. I can't afford a place on my own. My parents don't have room for me and certainly don't want to move back there anyway, and my friend isn't allowed to have friends live with her. So I don't have a place to go really. I understand being a part from each other might help but right now we can't do that. I am hoping that once we check into these services someone provided, and he gets the help he needs we can work on it together.

[Lauren8785]

He did tell me he has a mental illness before he purposed to me, but again that wasn't until we lived together. What am I denying? If I had somewhere to live, I surely would be out already and I certainly am not afraid to be alone I am very independent! I'm not staying just cause he promised to marry me. I can't afford a place on my own. My parents don't have room for me and certainly don't want to move back there anyway, and my friend isn't allowed to have friends live with her. So I don't have a place to go really. I understand being a part from each other might help but right now we can't do that. I am hoping that once we check into these services someone provided, and he gets the help he needs we can work on it together.

 

I am just venting and seeking the advice and suggestions from others. It helps me deal with this right now by talking and venting about it.

[Lauren8785]

Besides his episodes... he is a great guy and everything I been looking for in a guy. I love him a lot and I want to be with him but sometimes I just get so fusterated by his illness that I do want to leave and just end it but I know if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't want someone to leave me just cause I have problems. I understand nobody is perfect and everyone is going to have there ups and downs and he does need serious help, we both know that but I just hope once he does get help things will be a lot better between us.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you have weighed the pros and cons of being with someone with a mental illness and you have decided that you want to stay. What I would do or what anyone would do is irrelevant. I don't agree with your analysis - I wouldn't compare a mental illness just to someone "having problems" particularly given his behavior towards you -and I wouldn't have your mindset about your ability financially to move out - but those are your values, your standards and your choices. Thanks for clarifying that you just needed to vent.

I will add that I have very personal experience with the issue you discuss here (not in my own marriage) -with the difference being that I have seen what it does to a family over a 40 year time span. I urge you to talk to professionals and to read books by professionals in the field about what likely will occur if you continue in this relationship and the challenges and struggles you likely will face while it is not too late to decide to be his close,supportive friend rather than his immediate family - especially if you want a family with him someday. That's not to say it will change your mind but it sounds like you need to learn more about his illness and its impact on you and your potential family.

[brknhearted]

I just came accross your post, how are or did things turn out? I am going through something similar too with my fiance.